Separate bedrooms

BlueBelle

*When he realised he came in and demanded I get back into bed*
This I would find very concerning no man whether ‘frightened’ lonely, or whatever should be demanding where you sleep !!!

Exactly my thoughts too, BlueBelle, particularly as she was sleeping when he woke her.

We have found that twin beds is a good compromise solution, particularly as I'm quite a light sleeper, and even in the king-size bed we used to have, DH's occasional thrashing around and even light snoring was disrupting my sleep. So much better now, and we're both better-rested. We've also both occasionally chosen to sleep in the spare room, sometimes when one of us has been ill, or has even needed some post-op peace. There's a small telly in there too, so that also gives us another option if we're having one of those restless nights when we're struggling to reach the Land of Nod. Do whatever works for you, and is likely to deliver a good night's kip for both of you.

kittylester

It seems to me that there is a big difference between having separate rooms and sleeping separately.

Yes. I was unlucky enough to get breast cancer at the same time as going through the menopause. I used to cry with tiredness. So in the end we decided to sleep in separate rooms so that if and when I got to sleep I wasn’t disturbed by DH. We did it as a trial to see if we minded.

Never looked back!

I fully agree Bluebelle!!!

DH and I have our own rooms. We decided to sleep separately due to widely different working patterns. I worked permanent night shift, he got up at 03:30 to start his early morning job. He didn't want to disturb my sleep during my nights off.
When we retired we continued as we were it suits us. I like my own bed.
When we go on holiday we request a twin room.

When he realised he came in and demanded I get back into bed
This I would find very concerning no man whether ‘frightened’ lonely, or whatever should be demanding where you sleep !!!

We have had separate rooms for several years now. Initially because of my husband's health problems then we found it suited our sleep patterns. As someone else said I don't sleep any better but I can read with the light on and not disturb anyone. Our relationship remains happy & comfortable so I don't see any problem lippyqueen go for it.

lippyqueen, looks like lots of people like their own rooms . I am one of them , my DH is a very restless sleeper , tossing and turning throughout the night ! When we go away we ensure we have a king size bed or twin beds- problem solved. I think after 49 years of marriage we can cope with separate rooms !

Most of the older couples I know have separate bedrooms for exactly the same reasons. She is a light sleeper and he snores.

Due to a snoring issue, DH usually sleeps in the spare room, but he brings me a cuppa and a cuddle every morning. Our bedroom is still OUR bedroom; DH simply sleeps in the spare bed. (I agree with kittylester that sleeing apart isn't the same as having "separate bedrooms".)
When we have visitors we sleep together, which we both find OK in the short term!

Who cares what other people think, it is none of their business.

I do not always sleep well, so, depening on how I feel I start in the marital bed but when I wake in the night, if it is a wide awake wake, I slip into the bedroom next door, where I can sit and read , with lights on until I fall alseep and the book falls from my nerveless fingers.

The last two nights I have slept in the spare bedroom from the time I went to bed. The first night because DH was feeling a bit under the weather and expecting to be a restless sleeper, and it would bother him, if he thought he might be keeping me awake,. Last night because I was just feeling restless and for the same reason reversed, felt I would be better on my own.

We find hotel room double beds are usually quite wide, two single beds pushed together, or twin beds, so we do not disturb each other and if I wake I sit and read my kindle, without any lights on in the room and it does not disturb DH.

Not quite sure I get it kitty?

We love being in same room with our own beds, as we can hold hands and chat if we want to. I never put light on when I go to the loo, I know exactly where the door is... and I can toss and turn without disturbing him. I find it comforting to know we are together, but with our own comfort.

It seems to me that there is a big difference between having separate rooms and sleeping separately.

I went int the spare room when my late OH became such a problem to "sleep" with - some of his antics were caused by the medications that he was taking for PD. I had no peace or rest. He did not like me moving out. In the end he was in a single hospital bed and I slept in the double bed beside his. There was a lot of getting up in the night (he thought he was being attacked and would shout out) so it was better for me to be in the same room to look after him.

Before he became ill we always slept in the same bed - but latterly had a super king size bed which I loved. I still sleep in it on my own now and it is like my own world.

Dickens

Jackiest

I would take care even if your husband says he does not mind an accepts it. A friend chose to sleep separately, the husband said nothing but although still married they now live completely separate lives, not really a marriage at all.

Without knowing the background to their relationship, the fact they slept separately does not necessarily prove that it was the cause of them living separate lives.

No-one can function well on months / years of disturbed nights and broken sleep. That alone could cause friction in a marriage.

If my OH disturbed me night after night with his snoring, tossing and turning, jumping up to go to the loo and putting the bedside light on - and insisted I stay in the same bed when there is a spare bedroom... I'd not feel kindly disposed towards him!

They were very much a couple before and it was the start of them seperating. But as lots of other people have said it is OK for them. That is why I only said take care and did not say don't do it.

I’m mostly in a spare room with a king size bed nowadays - we’re both up and down in the night so were disturbing each other. If we need that room for guests I can manage a night or two with dh - at least it’s a lovely big bed.

I can’t say I sleep any better on my own - still up and down - but at least I’m not disturbing dh. And can read a book with the light on, as well as my Kindle.

If staying away, I must have at least a king size bed, but preferably separate rooms. Or at least twin beds.

I look back nostalgically to the days when dh and I could share a small double bed - not even a proper double - at my mother’s house - and both sleep very well all night!

Years ago, when I was married, the very day that one of our sons left home I took over his bedroom,- I completely decorated it first, new wallpaper, paint, bedding, lampshades etc, then had the best sleep for years.
I actually never have liked sharing a bedroom, even in more harmonious days.
On holidays we just have to put up with it, - unless you can afford to book separate rooms.
Maybe discuss it with your OH, lippyqueen. If you are happily married it could upset him. But your sleep is important, so I hope he understands that.

We have slept in separate rooms for quite a few years, due to husband’s snoring. He brings me a cup of tea every morning and our relationship hasn’t suffered at all (coy smile!). We opt for twin beds if we go away and that seems to work ok. We all need our sleep!

I haven't lived with a partner since I left my ex so most of my sleeping has been alone. To be honest, I've never enjoyed sleeping in the same bed as anyone else. I'm a really light sleeper and whoever it is I've shared the bed with has disturbed me. My partners have been offended by this but it's my preference. If I do sleep with someone, I inevitably have to move beds in the night due to their disturbing me.

We have found another compromise. When I had my first knee replaced, I could not get up and cope in our SKS double bed. So we moved into another bedroom which has 2 small doubles, en-suite. I could raise my bed, and have a overhead handle, and OH was in bed next to me. It worked so well that we still sleep in separate beds, but in same room. For us, perfect.

Oh how I would love to have a separate bedroom. I love to be in my own space in many things. Mr J always rolls over in his sleep and throws his arm over me, pinning me down. Or he rolls over the other way and takes the covers with him. And then he reaches behind him to find my hand to hold. Usually he's lying diagonally across the bed leaving me little room. Thankfully he rarely snores. He always wakes in the small hours to read, my eyes are very light sensitive so have to put on my shades. Once, when I was unable to sleep I went into the spare bed. When he realised he came in and demanded I get back into bed, waking me from a pleasant sleep. He was scared. I told him he was being ridiculous and he needed to go back to bed, he did. We never spoke about it. I never left the bed again. I accept he needs me there. In every other respect he is caring, thoughtful, kind etc. How much I do love to be staying in a hotel with a very large bed where I can create my own space.

Jackiest

I would take care even if your husband says he does not mind an accepts it. A friend chose to sleep separately, the husband said nothing but although still married they now live completely separate lives, not really a marriage at all.

Without knowing the background to their relationship, the fact they slept separately does not necessarily prove that it was the cause of them living separate lives.

No-one can function well on months / years of disturbed nights and broken sleep. That alone could cause friction in a marriage.

If my OH disturbed me night after night with his snoring, tossing and turning, jumping up to go to the loo and putting the bedside light on - and insisted I stay in the same bed when there is a spare bedroom... I'd not feel kindly disposed towards him!

I was helping with grand children up very early in the mornings. It was too much disturbance too early for dh as he was still working I went to sleep in another room occasionally.

My dh developed restless legs and was getting out of bed all night. We decided that it’s best for both of us to stay in separate rooms it works we enjoy our own space too.

After heart surgery dh recooperated in the spare bedroom. That was 8 years ago and he’s slept there ever since. I can now read in bed without someone complaining about the light, and if I am having a bad back night or just a sleepless night I am free to toss around without disturbing him. We can get up and go to bed at different times or even get up in the middle of the night. I do miss having him there if I’ve had a bad dream but all in all it has been beneficial for both of us. We share a bed on holiday but most hotels offer separate twin beds or joined together to make a super king.

Once it became obvious that one or other of us (usually DH) was moving beds in the night, we decided to make it formal and he now sleeps in one of the spare rooms.

As ginny said, it has made no difference at all to our relationship.