Absolutely miserable after yet another social gathering...

I think your partner sounds insecure and out of his depth, and probably people were trying to avoid him.

You could be right there Sara1954.

(So many posters saying 'husband' although the OP said 'partner')

From my experience most people love to talk about themselves and unless they are socially adept they are not particularly with you or your life! We went to a wedding recently and the man sitting next to my husband sat looking at his phone throughout the meal. My husband laughed about it and said he initially asked the general polite questions eg how do you know bride/groom, where do you live/isn’t the hall lovely etc etc and then he gave up as the man couldn’t be bothered.
You are not alone. Don’t go if you don’t know anybody there apart from your husband - he should go there by himself.

I'm the same nw - if you're happy with a book, a walk on the beach and a glass of wine, then do it!

Sadly, I can no longer hold a book, walk further than my car nor drink alcohol, and as \I don't actually manage to 'do' anything much, neither do I have much to talk about other than my health, which is boring after the first 2 minutes!

Just enjoy doing those, while you can is my advice xx

Oooolohhhh. A walk along the beach - any day over a social. Sit down, read a book on the beach, take a coffee/ something a little stronger, walk back as the sun sets watching the waves run along the sand and disappear back into the sea.
Heavenly.

Where can I sign up?

I too find social events extremely stressful and actually avoid as many as I politely can. After years of not understanding why, I undertook a psychology degree with the Open University. During this time and the amount of personality testing it became apparent that I am a true introvert. I'm feeling that you maybe on that spectrum too. I would recommend a book 'the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' by Susan Cain. I found your husband's behaviour abhorrent but then his insecurities are his problem, not yours. Continue being you a good, thoughtful human being

Hi Teaandcakes ,
I don't think that you are the only one who finds socialising disappointing . I used to be a happy go lucky social butterfly .

I look forward to going out , get dressed up and then find myself being interrogated and lectured about my father's care .

I absolutely hate it .

Now when I do my routine shop - I deliberately avoid certain people .

I like to talk about other things and forget .

In your case , your husband is causing you stress .

Either completely ignore him or do it to him and see
how he likes a taste of his own medicine .

If you love doing something -watercolours , flower arranging , swimming cake decorating -whatever indulge in your own hobby and let the silly man carry on with his crisis .

Some of my friends are going through this with their husbands .

They are tired of hearing about past sexual exploits or hearing about some attractive lady that they are plainly having erotic thoughts about .

Their husbands are poor company indoors and out .

I'm sorry to write this , but let's be frank - if he's talking like this it sounds as though he's having sexual problems - lack of arousal -failure to have an erection , maintain an erection and /or ejaculate .
And he needs to get medical advice .

Take a deep breath and develop your own interests .

Don't let him undermine you .

You sound very like me Teaandcakes. It took me many years to recognise and admit that I am an introvert. I dislike social gatherings, particularly when it’s all small talk. I now do not attend anything like that. My husband is a complete opposite. He is highly social and loves people interaction, which simply drains me. I do love people but in small doses and with my choice of company. I wish someone had advised me years ago that it’s ok to be who I am. Not everyone wants to party with strangers. If he haven’t already, you could read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. Life changing. Good luck x

I agree with pascal30. Find your own tribe. Join a book club or University of the Third Age or similar and give the gym bunnies a miss.

I too don't think you are at fault here.

Basically, your partner is feeling his age and bolstering himself up by silly remarks, jokes about his sexual attraction etc. Most men do this when they feel old and have a chip on their shoulder about it.

If you can; ignore it, It will pass.

You could stop going to these things with him, but this is really only an option if you are quite, quite sure that he is only talking and won't get off with another woman if you are not there.

The advice to get him to tell you beforehand about the people who are his particular friends is good. If this doesn't work for him or you, you could try a gambit such as, "Are you the lady who is so good at xwy?" or something similar. Or ask more forthrightly, "What do you do when you are not at the gym?" signally that you, not being a member find other things more exhilerating.

I said I don't think you are doing anything wrong, but was it perhaps not a little unrealistic to expect a conversation at a do of this kind to last for more than ten minutes? I don't think I have ever spoken to a total stranger for more than a couple of minutes at such an event, unless we suddenly discovered a mutual interest.

It takes a bit of courage, but if you feel no-one has noticed you are there, walk over to someone, patently also on their own and introduce yourself along the lines of "I'm Jane, Roger's partner, are you a member or are you like me, brought along for the occasion?"

Its not you, you were perfectly sociable and as far as I can see you did all the right things. I like to think I can talk easily to anybody but as I have got older I realise that time is passing and I dont want to waste any of it making small talk with people I am unlikely to see again or even want to! These events are always a bit of a bore to me so yes, decline the invite, get the book out, pour a glass of wine and put your feet up, you know it makes sense!!

grandrante
The OP walked over to someone on their own.
She scooted over to a group that were talking about saunas and spinning but couldn’t join in ( I assume) because neither of which I know anything about
The OP doesn’t appear to be shy about joining people she doesn’t know.

Lots and lots of us just don’t like social gatherings anymore - I have a small long-standing circle of friends, met across lots of different areas so most of them don’t know each other, I like to socialise with them one or two at a time. Very rarely go to huge gatherings unless a wedding or a “special” birthday and tend to leave earlier than others. Honestly, if you don’t enjoy them just don’t go !

I have never liked "parties" and found myself a bit of an observer whenever I did go to one. My late husband was good in these situations and always was there for me so I feel cross your husband was no help at all. Next time he starts on about past conquests in his younger days agree with him and sympathise with the facts that he is no longer young, a bit podgy, perhaps, then start telling hime about your past successes. Make them up if they didn't happen but make sure to emphasise that they looked like film stars and had bodies like Arnie S.
Sympathise with the fact that your husband is now older; in fact kill him with kindness!

I remember the saying 'people give you the greatest pleasure but the greatest pain' i don't like gatherings anymore,lots of false smiles etc i prefer a small select groups of friends nowadays

Teaandcakes
I read a nice saying recently for when you feel you don't fit in with a particular set of people (or get turned down for a job or rejected in some other way):
Remember you can be the right package delivered to the wrong address.

I take it that your “partner” is NOT your husband. Please pardon me if I misread.

Partner is a boor!!! Not a bore, but he could be that too. He sounds insecure and needs to puff himself up (all the time?)
Who needs that???

I always say I’d rather be alone than to suffer through another evening, event with needy people. They absolutely suck the lifeblood out of you. Don’t be so desperate for companionship when your time and life could have some quality peace and quiet.
USA Gundy

Teaandcakes. Well, you made the effort and obviously it was not at all enjoyable. Why spend time with people you have no interest in? Our time is too precious. Next time your partner suggests going to a social gathering of his ‘friends’, just say you’d not enjoy it, so pointless to make the effort. He can go, if he wants to, and you can pour yourself a large glass of wine and curl up, in comfort, with your book, after a lovely long walk along the beach. 🥂🏖️💐

I absolutely dread social occasions as I’ve got older and avoid them if I possibly can. I certainly would if I had a husband who behaved like yours to accompany me.

I find large groups of people intimidating. I think maybe lots of people do but can hide it more effectively. There are always a few people who are able to strike up conversations quite naturally with people they don't know. But I expect there are many more people who have attended such events and have felt awkward and uncomfortable, and have come away feeling dispirited. I know I have, so you are not alone.

Perhaps you manage better with smaller groups. I find that at first I am fairly quiet but once I get to know people better I feel more comfortable to chat. Again, I think that is probably true of a lot of people. It always helps, I think, to have one fairly extrovert person in a group because they take the pressure off everybody else, even when their chatter is fairly inane. Possibly, you found yourself talking to someone else who was feeling equally uncomfortable and that is why conversation was rather stilted.

Your husband's pointed remarks about the other woman didn't help, but maybe indicates that he doesn't feel so good about himself and is trying to boost his own confidence. Don't like it affect your own self-esteem. I would be tempted to just raise my eyes heavenwards, or just totally ignore it.

Just not your social scene, don't bother going next time, instead go to social events where you have something in common and I imagine you'll have a better time. Gyms can be competitive and not particularly friendly imho.

Thanks FHN. I forgot the 'Quiet' for the name of the book. Like you I found it to be life changing

You sounded like a fish out of water on the evening out. Having little in common with a lot of participants certainly would not have helped. Your DH seemed more involved with the event and he should have escorted you doing introductions to those he knew. Seems a bit selfish and rather self centred given his behaviour towards the gym female. Think I'd be giving occasions he is involved in a miss. You tried to socialise and it must have felt awful when no one tried to include you in conversations. Not your fault, just self centred group.

Nothing wrong with you,you were just with the wrong people,
just go out with true friends & have fun——— I think as we age we realize some people are not as interesting to be with & we enjoy our own company.Sorry you had such an uncomfortable evening,not helped by your Partner,ignore his comments,you sound very sensible,so now make a list of all the things you like to do & just do them in order & treat yourself kindly.

I have always hated social occasions. When my husband was still working I was obliged to attend many dinner dances as they were called then. The situation was that he knew everyone and I knew no-one. He would usually wander off to talk to a friend and I would be sitting at a table with strangers. It is a joy to me that we only socialise with family now. I now embrace being an introvert. Nothing to be ashamed of.

You sound like a gracious person with impeccable manners. It seems your self confidence has been somewhat shaken and your partner's attitude is partially responsible. I hear what you're saying: you tried your best at this social occasion, but it was not your thing. You did nothing wrong; this setting and these people are just not to your taste.

Your partner is having a crisis of personality; harping back wistfully to the old days of his youth. You clearly do not share these kinds of feelings; you have grown into your adult self and are happy with your own company and the simpler things, like a good book or a walk on the beach. Life is too short to be unhappy. You should each follow your own pursuits. Time apart from each other is healthy and we certainly should not live in each other's pockets.

However, if you feel his need for the attention of other women is going too far, you will have to address that issue separately.