Overwhelmed

Tell them

Listen to how you feel, at breaking point. Only you can start to make the changes you need to pull back and not break down. What do you believe will help you most? Approach this calmly, reflect and start to put yourself first.
Can you take off for a couple of nights - if not, why not

You must look after yourself first! Tell your family how you feel, you can't go on trying to support everyone. If you were not around then they would have to find other sources of support and if you continue the way you are it is likely you will have a physical and or mental breakdown, then your family members will have to manage without you altogether.

It is a lot, lets separate all issues in one by one list

1. Your daughter - if she doesnt have proper MH support and medication/therapy - that would be the first step
2. Your husband- if he is another task to take care of and doesnt help you, you need to decide if the marriage is worth it
3. Your son and parents - who can help you there, for taking care of them, transportation, etc.

You are clearly a loving and born carer, and these things have collected to breaking point. I agree with Hithere about looking at each issue.

And I'm afraid, facing the reality of saying "no". they are all used to you responding: stop: it may be that your mum needs SSD intervention/help with the challenging behaviour.

Particularly it's very clear to me your daughter needs MH support from others. Sadly it's a system where if family take on the caring, MH services won't reach out.

But with her you need to look at it this way - you won't be around forever, she needs to have that MH support. I know how difficult it is with P Disorders - hard to treat and the person can refuse to call out to MH services as she wants You you have always been there but sadly therefore its only you who can set the boundaries as she won't.

You dont say a lot about your DH: surely he can take son to appointments? Does he know how you feel? have you talked it through?

I really don’t understand why your husband isn’t helping you out. Making him step up to the plate would be the first thing I did. He is either the father or stepfather of your son and daughter and he is your parents’ son in law. Time for him to accept his share of the burden. And to do his share of household tasks too.

why do you have to take son to appts ?
can't he get a taxi ?
or your husband take him.
you have got into a role that everyone depends on/ takes advantage of.
esp husband. what attracted you to him.
it's obvious that you were a good catch for him.
you can't change other people.
but you can stop doing what you do.
to some extent anyway.

Exactly welbeck.

i thought you put it more felicitously, GSM.

😊

You are clearly a very warm and loving person who has many challenges on her plate. Your family is so very lucky to have you, but you do need to consider your own mental health and well being as being equally important as theirs. Sending you empathy and strength x

Thanks everyone, it's been really helpful x

I see this time and time again that women are the family shock absorbers. When I found myself in that situation, I went to my GP and he said to just do the essentials for the most needy in the family.

deedeedoe16 DH has to step up to a certain extent.

I'm supposing it's possible (I'm not saying he's right) he feels you are doing things overmuch for others and won't join in. Son taking a taxi a good idea tho. He may be used to mum stepping up but it's one of the things that could go. Unless he is disabled...he's a big boy now....

I think you need to address the elderly side in a serious long term way, things won't get better and other help will be needed. Start planning, and say no to Mum when she wants you to magic her ills yet maybe get some care in for stepfather?

I often wonder about all these people who expect to be driven about like celebrities. Have they never heard of taxis? May not be suitable for someone who eg needs a wheelchair to take them from the vehicle into the hospital. However many people can shift for themselves once they get there. Admittedly waiting in a hospital can be a bit boring but thats what smart phones, kindals and tablets are for.

This cannot continue as you have enough to deal with in your NHS work. Can you sit your immediate family down and calmly make some joint decisions on how to move forward? If your daughter is on the correct medication for bipolar then surely she can speak to friends or join day hospital groups if she isn't working. I'm sure she is able to respect boundaries if asked to,and doesn't need to keep contacting you. You don't say why your son is off work but he could he catch a bus or have his father accompany him to appointments/or go be himself. .Your husband needs to be told that he must help you more with everything.. especially backing you up with requesting help from social services for your parents.. You are ,as you well know,currently enabling this situation and you CAN change it by refusing to be at everyone'beck and call. As someone who used to work in the NHS, though thankfully not throug covid, I know how hard you work .. your priority must be to look after yourself first...

My granny had a saying “The more you do the more you may.” Seems very appropriate here.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep them warm

You need to withdraw the level of support and only do a manageable amount. Look for other organisations who can pick up some of this

And speak to your partner about your needs

It's not clear, to me, if your daughter, son, and mum are in any way related to your husband - does he have his own people to care for?

Thanks for all the advice. No, my husband has a sister who does the lions share of caring for their parents. He will do anything when asked. Sometimes though it's easier to do it your self than explain to someone else how to do it. I m goo g to be making some changes.

going

Maybe have a weekly or monthly "planning" meeting with as many people who are available and discuss who is doing what and when, who needs help with what and when, what other options and help are available.

A couple of examples we recently had where my first thought was that I would have to do it myself:

My Dad (92) had a hospital appointment to go to. I'd already promised to childmind a little girl for the day, but a fellow c/m would have stepped in if I'd asked.
Instead I asked my Dad's care team and one of them took him to his appointment. She's friendly and chatty, and they had coffee and cake as well.
Dad paid for her time and a taxi.

My husband had an appointment at an eye clinic in the next town and would need drops, so was told not to drive himself.
I'd already accepted and paid for an invitation to a friend's birthday celebration at a hotel.
My husband has recently had his bus pass so I set him a challenge to go using public transport. He embraced it and used the bus (free) and train (£5 with his senior rail card) and had a very cheap trip compared to the diesel and car park charges if I'd taken him.

My point is that I facilitated an alternative to just doing everything myself, and actually they both had quite a sense of achievement and tales to tell about their days out!

It might seem easier in the short-term to do everything yourself, but not when it starts to overwhelm you.

Start by discussing the family issues with your husband- it is more than time that he took more responsibility for his son and daughter, and if possible for his mother-in-law too.

If he can't or won't do this, I hope he is in so well-paid a job that he can afford to pay for help. By which I mean someone chauffering your son and daughter when they need it, doing your mother's shopping and yours and keeping the house tidy.

I take it you are working full-time still? Can you take early retirement to care for your family (if you want to, that is)? A cousin of mine who held an administrative job in the NHS Scotland did so when her father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

If not, get a GP to certify that you are suffering from stress and need immediate sick leave of unspecified length as it will depend entirely on the progress you make when you will be fit to return.

If you don't get a proper breathing space you risk a complete breakdown due to stress.

I hope your husband is so used to you doing and coping with everything that he doesn't see the need to help. So specify exactly what you do need him to do when you discuss the issue with him.

Thanks everyone, so helpful. Had a bit of a wakeup call.