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Friend poaching other friend

(125 Posts)
Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 13:41:31

I don’t have a large circle of friends but the ones I have are dear to me. So I’ve got two couples, who’ve met each other at my house, or weddings, christenings, through the years. Now it seems one couple have invited the other to stay with them. My family and I are not included in this invitation. And it’s not been mentioned to me by the couple who did the inviting. Am I being over sensitive? I’m trying to be an adult about it but I’m struggling.

Doodledog Mon 03-Jul-23 13:46:07

I would struggle too, whether that is an adult response or not.

Did that sort of thing happen in your childhood? My sister used to invite herself along with my friends, and then befriend them herself t, and I think that feeling stays with you.

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 13:49:28

Possibly. I can’t remember. But here we are in our sixties and we’ve been friends for over thirty years and suddenly I’m being sidelined!

BlueBelle Mon 03-Jul-23 13:49:51

It’s pretty nasty if you’re used to all doing things together I have close friends who do things with other friends who I know but am not close to, and that feels fine but if we were used to doing things all together and suddenly you were sidelined I d feel miffed too

Marydoll Mon 03-Jul-23 14:39:55

This happened to me years ago, I remember how hurt I was.

Oreo Mon 03-Jul-23 14:48:43

They probably can’t accommodate two couple coming to stay at their house together, that would be a lot of work wouldn’t it?
Do they never invite you to stay? Do they come and stay with you?
I would let them know that you know about this, done in a friendly way.They like you, and they like this other couple too.
If they realise you know, and then they never invite you, that's when you have to think hard about it.

pascal30 Mon 03-Jul-23 14:53:59

I don't think I'd be upset that they'd arranged to spend time together but I would be hurt if they'd deliberately not told me about their plans.. maybe you can establish what their true intentions are?

AGAA4 Mon 03-Jul-23 15:00:16

I'm not sure about this. If the two couples have found they enjoy each others company then why shouldn't they spend time together. If they both cease to be friends with you then that's a different matter.

Norah Mon 03-Jul-23 15:01:23

Seems too much of a crowd to invite two couple to stay over at once. Perhaps attempt happy to be well away from too many people?

From a "happy alone" point of view. Opinions may vary.

fancythat Mon 03-Jul-23 15:10:43

At first glance I thought I would be miffed too.

At second glance, I wasn't so sure.
I think I would need to know a bit more.

Things like
The people who did the inviting, was there a reason for not telling you?
How far apart do you all live?
Was there a special reason why this might have happened. Type thing.

AmberSpyglass Mon 03-Jul-23 15:16:55

But their friendship doesn’t affect your friendship. It’s not an either or - they get along, why wouldn’t they want to spend time together? It doesn’t take anything away from you, it’s a separate thing. They must have lots of other friends they’d invite to stay without you feeling like you’ve been excluded.

NanaDana Mon 03-Jul-23 15:21:18

I don't see what the problem is. Why shouldn't your friends stay with another couple, and why would the couple who did the inviting feel the need to tell you? Your idea of friendship seems rather over-proprietary to me, and smacks more of how juveniles sometimes operate. You say yourself that you're trying to be adult about it. Maybe try a little harder?

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:25:13

We do and stay with them. And likewise. They’re old family friends. The other couple ar former neighbours. We are close to both families but not together unless we are celebrating an occasion. It’s just weird. We were supposed to spend this coming weekend with them but they pulled out. We stay about once a year. Double booked, which happens. Now I’m wondering who they double booked with! I’ve sort of lost my confidence. I need to know how to adapt.

AmberSpyglass Mon 03-Jul-23 15:32:52

Why is it weird? They clearly get along. And why shouldn’t they mention it, why hide it from you?

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:34:32

Woah. That’s a bit judge y. I think most of us have circles of friends and then, close friends. Who are dear to us. They don’t link. It’s not a friendly group, which we are all part of. I respect other people’s boundaries.

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:38:08

They live hours away. Not a bump into each other at the shops. The fact that they didn’t tell me is perhaps upsetting.

Norah Mon 03-Jul-23 15:43:29


They live hours away. Not a bump into each other at the shops. The fact that they didn’t tell me is perhaps upsetting.

If I may ask, how/why did you learn of their staying together?

I may have missed in reading your posts, I'm at loss why it matters.

HappyLife Mon 03-Jul-23 15:43:51

This is why I stopped mixing up groups of friends years ago. I have consistently found that as soon as you have three couples/friends the minute two couples decide to do something together the uninvited couple becomes upset and it always ends in tears. This issue has reared its head twice in my life and caused all sorts of problems. It aso brought about situations where people were feeling the need to keep their plans secret.
I don't blame you for feeling upset and left out but somehow you have to accept that sometimes people want a small gathering for whatever reason.

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:45:17

My former neighbour told me

LRavenscroft Mon 03-Jul-23 15:45:23

No offense to you but from experience, I sometimes think people put too much emphasis on couple friendships. People change, other people come along, nothing is set in stone. It is when they stop contacting you and suddenly go silent is the time to worry. They may all have a common interest which you don't share. I would just do my own thing till either couple contacts you and then join in light heartedly if you want to. Don't forget you have choices too.

AmberSpyglass Mon 03-Jul-23 15:47:31

You can’t control who spends time with whom, though. People aren’t off limits just because they’re friends with you. I find that really strange!

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:47:42

A month later

Sharina Mon 03-Jul-23 15:49:20

Do you? I wouldn’t go out with my friend’s friend unless it was part of a group. Am I wrong?

nadateturbe Mon 03-Jul-23 15:59:42


Do you? I wouldn’t go out with my friend’s friend unless it was part of a group. Am I wrong?

I'm with you Sharina. My best friend who is very sociable, has lots of couple friends and she's introduced us to each other at get togethers she plans.. None of us would dream of meeting up without her. Its a no no. Just not the done thing. But that's us. Other folk may disagree, but I'm with you.

NanaDana Mon 03-Jul-23 16:06:40


Do you? I wouldn’t go out with my friend’s friend unless it was part of a group. Am I wrong?

Sorry, but I truly don't understand this idea of friendship. Why do you think that going out with a friend's friend is wrong? Is the friendship really so fragile that that would endanger it? If so, that certainly isn't friendship as I understand it, and it's just my opinion, but it seems rather unhealthy. What you're describing all seems very strange to me, and is totally outside my own experience. Surely a true friend would be happy and content that you were enjoying the company of other people? Don't you feel that way?