Friend poaching other friend

Dickens

VioletSky

I don't think you need to worry unless your friendship changes

I think you're right.

One couple being friendly with another couple in a group does not mean anything other than the fact they obviously get along well.

This is not about couples in a group this is about personal long time individual friends .

You say that you didn’t mind becoming friendly with one of your close long term friends but , would you then invite them to your place without even considering your other close long term friend ? Wouldn’t you think about their feelings ?

To find one good friend in life is not easy , even harder to find two , but for that one good friend to make arrangements with the other one of your other good friends , excluding oneself, that , in my opinion , is just plain hurtful and thoughtless .

My long-term friend introduced me to one of her long-time friends. We hit it off immediately and I spent a considerable amount of time with this new friend.

My original friend didn't mind at all - she said she introduced me to her because she knew we'd get along together. Our friendship didn't change, and we all met up together frequently afterwards.

We don't own people.

VioletSky

I don't think you need to worry unless your friendship changes

I think you're right.

One couple being friendly with another couple in a group does not mean anything other than the fact they obviously get along well.

I've experienced exactly the same.
Two friends of mine that I introduced, we all got on and did a lot together, including as couples as our husbands also all got on really well.

Gradually I became aware they were doing things without us: as an example there were photos on Facebook captioned "the four amigos" of them at the theatre.
My husband saw this and said,
"Didn't we want to go to this show?"
I said, "We weren't asked" and his face fell, he was really hurt.

I pulled away and left them to it.

If it was standard for us all to be friends with all the friends of all our friends, which is what is being suggested here, then we would all be friends with everyone in the entire world.

That's not how I read the situation here. These three ladies have been close, and socialise together as a group. It's not a matter of friends of friends.

The fact it was kept quiet, means they know that it is not right.

I know I would be hurt. As someone has already said it's no good telling you how you should feel because, obviously, you feel how you feel. If I've read it right you found out from your old neighbours .... the couple who have been invited over. I would definitely let the other couple know that you know about the invite. And unless you find out an acceptable reason for being left out I would never feel the same way about that couple again. Don't come on and tell me that is childish etc it's how I would feel

I would be hurt also . These two couples are not “just friends that you know” they are considered as close friends you’ve known for a very long time , each couple individually. For those two couples to then spend invited time together without you then I feel that’s rather mean of both couples as they both know that you are not including in their plans . It’s then made all the worse as the one doing the inviting does not feel the need to tell you also the invited couple feels the same , if the neighbour who told you had not said anything would your “ friends “ have told you after the event ? How awful and mean spirited of both couples to do that to you . I think I’d have to say something, in the nicest possible way , but then , that could lead to lots of bad feelings all around , unfortunately.

I would be hurt too. It maybe irrational but it is human nature.

If it was standard for us all to be friends with all the friends of all our friends, which is what is being suggested here, then we would all be friends with everyone in the entire world. Wouldn't that be a wonderfully friendly world?... But that's not how it actually works, is it? My friends have friends I've never met, and vice versa, and I'm happy that they have other people they get on well with. That's the world I live in. As for suggesting that we shouldn't be free to disagree or even to have a different opinion about a topic, what would be the point of any debate otherwise? People come here for advice, and yes, as we all have varying levels of sensitivity, that advice should always be framed in a thoughtful manner, and should aim to be helpful. Nevertheless, the OP may still sometimes be offered advice that they don't necessarily want to hear. That doesn't make the feedback any less valid, and we're all free to either take it on board or to reject it. What's important, is that we always remain within the GN parameters both in the content and in the manner in which we express ourselves.

Well said, Wyllow. There is no right and wrong way to feel about these things. We feel what we feel. Possibly shaped by previous experiences, but maybe not. It doesn't matter in the end - telling someone they are thinking the wrong way is pointless, specially at our age.

Marydoll and Bluebelle you put in words what I feel.

We are all here on gransnet so very different and some of us are sensitive NOT "over sensitive".

Therefore it hurts - but we also wouldn't do it to someone else.

It's not only with partners and family one feels attachments and sometimes being left out strongly. It's not "wrong" to feel it.

My way through it to try to have a wider group of acquaintances so's not to get too dependant in situations where this could easily happen. This may would be good to plan going ahead?

Also - since in some ways I'm starting up again post an abusive marriage - try to choose people where its possible to be honest to broach these things without getting heavy or to being seen as heavy, but natural to actually talk about feelings.

My friends are often people I have met through other friends. I couldn't possibly invite everyone to everything and I introduce people I know to others that I think they will get on with. I don't "own" any of these people, they do their own thing and have social lives that I am not a part of. Some become close and trusted, they move in and out of my life. tbh I think you are being a bit possessive .

But it’s not “a new friendship group”. It’s just…adults being friends.

I don't think you need to worry unless your friendship changes

Sharina

I don’t accept that my expectations from friendship is unhealthy st all. It’s not an intense friendship. They are however, like my sisters. If they want to start a new friendship group, without me, I’m hurt. Surely that is understandable?

I really feel for you, Sharina. 💐

I don’t accept that my expectations from friendship is unhealthy st all. It’s not an intense friendship. They are however, like my sisters. If they want to start a new friendship group, without me, I’m hurt. Surely that is understandable?

I would feel miffed too. I think it’s very rude and thoughtless.

I can see why you’d be upset. I wouldn’t dream of not inviting you. I think the not telling you either is even worse. You can only wait now and see what transpires. Surely they’ll feel embarrassed talking about their time away in front of you. Or am I too sensitive too. Some people have very thick skins.

BlueBelle, you have put it much better than I have!

Gosh I m beginning to lose track with whose with who and what where and why
A couple who are your friends (couple 1 ) have invited another couple (couple 2) who are also your friends to stay without telling you and they are only friends with (couple 2) through you so couple (1) are your original friends couple (2) have seemed to have overtaken you in the friendship stakes
Is that it ?
I think I d been upset that I hadn’t been told, that it had been done sort of secretly, so I totally see where you re coming from especially if couple (1) had been your friends a long time .
Yes I do see where you’re coming from and can understand how you feel

I’d be miffed.

Are you upset that you and the other couple were friends first and it looks to you as if the newer friend wants you friend to herself, to the exclusion of you?

The fact that it was kept secret and you found out by accident, says a lot.
I could never do that, asking one couple and not the other.

My impression is that you fear you may lose your longtime friend to this newer one.
We are not all emotionally robust and you sound quite sensitive, nothing wrong with that.

Then how do you meet people?!

Maybe they didn’t tell you as they knew you would be upset, you can tell from the thread title that you see them as only your friends.

They were likely to get along with each other as they are probably all the same type of people otherwise you would not be friends with both couples.

You must see each couple separately so why shouldn’t they?

Yup, over sensitive. You don’t own people. We all find people we have a stronger connection with or have interests in common with.
Done take things personally, life isn’t all about you! Or me for that matter.
Sounds a bit like schooldays to me!