AIBU To Say No

We acted as guarantor for four years for my daughter away at Uni. She never once let us down and us now back home, with savings and working and building a decent credit rating for when she moves out again. She now almost 26.

Just be totally honest and make the decision which works for you both, you’ve done your best for your children, just be prepared for the fireworks and I’m sure she’ll get over it.

Can you think of any other practical solutions to help her ?

Good luck x

Say NO. I did it for my gd and lived to regret it.

Please say no. I said yes to my son and he defaulted and it cost me over £3000 to get out of the situation. I had court summonds and the threat of bailiffs - so I have to pay it.
Please say no! What she does with that no is her business, not yours.

She is trying to sort herself out but she knows we are here for her.

I've helped my two ACs a lot, although they didn't ask.

But, I would never act as guarantor - for anyone.🙂

Just say no because you are not in a financial position to stand as guarantor.

She is 44, she needs to learn to be an adult.

Whiff I'm sorry to hear about your mum and your DH. I never borrowed off my own parents. My younger DD has never asked for anything but she has been with her partner many years and they both have good jobs. My eldest is on her own and only has me. I can't keep funding her and my DH who is only her stepdad says we can't keep helping her. He is right.

Moonwatcher I acted as guarantor many years ago for my son and his girlfriend. But I knew they wouldn't let me down they where in their early 20's.

My son will be 36 next month and my daughter is 40. You can't switch off being a mom . My mom always worried about me until the dementia killed my mom long before her body died.

Being a parent is a live long committment . My husband died at 47 so I gave our children double love and support . But you bring them up to be adults and have to let them fly and make lives for themselves. But once adults it's up to them how they live their lives. And have to make their way in the world by themselves. My husband and I never had financial help from our parents and worked hard and did without luxuries to buy our first house. I hate the phrase the bank of mom and dad. What we got we did on our own. The way all children should once they become adult. Both my children married when they where 28 . Own their own houses and I have 5 grandson's.

If you want anything in life you have to work for it save and do without to achieve your goal no matter how old you are.

If she had a good credit rating she would not need a guarantor

But no, you never stop worrying about them x

So true Moonwatcher.
Being a supportive parent never ends.
You can help in other ways.

No it never ends moonwatcher it’s called love it doesn’t matter how old they are they still capture our hearts and it’s only natural to want to help you have done the right thing but help her in other ways she is obviously trying herself
Support doesn’t just come with money

I feel for her as she has now decided to sell her car. I told her she will miss it but she can always get another one later on if she finds herself in a more stable position.
Why do we worry about our children even when they are in their 40's?
It never ends does it?

I think you did the right thing. Huge respect as that must have been tough. Glad it went OK though and you can help in other ways.

There are companies that, for a fee will be a guarantor.

Say ‘no’. She is an adult. Not a young adult, but a middle aged adult. Her life is her responsibility. Her unpleasant texts are neither here nor there. She could be as pleasant as the sun is warm and the fact would remain that her life is her own responsibility at this point. I really don’t feel it is beneficial to coddle adults. I feel it hurts them to have them reliant on us when we ourselves are in the latter years of life. We will not be around forever. They must learn to live without the crutch of elderly parents.

I just wanted to say that I don't think you would be able to be a guarantor if you're retired anyway. My son asked me a few years ago to be a guarantor for him and his girlfriend wanting to rent a new flat. When we looked at the paperwork it was impossible as I wasn't earning enough to cover the rent if there was a problem, I'm also widowed. In the end he had to ask my brother who kindly did it for him, luckily there weren't any problems anyway. You could use this as a get out clause without causing too much of a rift. I hope things work themselves out for her in the future.

will she apply for housing benefit; sometimes the local authority can help with deposit, esp if she has health problems.
it's worth asking them.
does she have a social worker or CPN.

I appreciate all your comments. Bluebelle your words are lovely so thanks for that. I will have a look to see if there is anywhere I can get help for her.

Not at all Norah. You speak from experience and that’s always valuable. I agree that people have to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, difficult though it may be, because sadly their parents can’t be there forever. I expect at 44 we all thought our parents would live forever unless they had a serious illness, closed our eyes to the uncomfortable obvious.

Rubbish format, sorry.

Please forgive me if I'm being petty - could happen.

I have ADD, I don't use my ADD as an excuse for any of my own behaviour. I also never was never unpleasant to mum because she had a relationship with someone I disapproved.
Those 2 things alone, and doubtless you have other worries, make me quite glad you said no.

Continue saying no to unreasonable requests. Time, at 44, for her to take responsibility for her own life - no blaming, just do it.

I m glad she’s taken it ok as it’s a difficult one we all want to help our kids how ever old or however many problems
Perhaps you can help in other ways like keeping your ears open for any flats, being genuinely caring about her trying etc, giving praise where it’s due etc etc and if she has a mental health problem she is obviously trying to keep it together and that’s not easy
I hope the relationship stays ok

fancythat...I like your quote.

I can always rely on GN to come up with sound advice.

I’m glad you’ve refused. Someone should only act as a guarantor if they have the money to pay if the guarantee is called on, and can afford to lose that money. If she were to take a 12months let and fail to pay the rent after a couple of months you’d be on the hook for the remainder of the tenancy.

She will doubtless have to provide a deposit against damages too.