Gransnet forums

AIBU

AIBU To Say No

(60 Posts)
Moonwatcher1904 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:07:21

My DD aged 44 has rung me up and after sofa surfing for several months is trying to get a flat. She's had many flats over the years and has struggled with jobs as she's trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD. She has her post directed here for safety and she asks me to open them and Whatsapp them to her. A couple of months ago several letters came demanding money e.g. bank, local authority for council tax and a couple of other things. She has asked me today to be a guarantor to get a flat and my DH is not happy. We are both retired and don't have the money if things go wrong. She said she has always paid her rent which may well be the case but we're still not happy about this. I risk two things saying no and her being ok about it or her kicking off and being horrible again. I had my birthday a couple of weeks ago and she sent me a couple of unpleasant texts because she came here to pick some papers up and saw a birthday card from her sister who she doesn't speak to. I'm having to pluck up courage to ring her and say no. What would you advise me to say?

Aveline Wed 26-Jul-23 17:10:45

Be honest. Say you can't guarantee to be able to guarantee if she defaults.

Hithere Wed 26-Jul-23 17:18:46

Yanbu

GrannyGravy13 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:24:15

If you can afford to lose the money go ahead with being a guarantor if not you have to say no.

Smileless2012 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:24:22

It's a risk Moonwatcher and if you are to consider it, it should be because you're confident she wont default and leave you with the financial burden, and not because you think if you say no, she'll kick off and be horrible.

The latter is emotional blackmail, even if it hasn't actually been threatened.

welbeck Wed 26-Jul-23 17:29:29

just
say
no

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:29:30

Thanks ladies. Well I made the call and was sorry but had to say no. She was ok about it but it seems landlords want a guarantor nowadays. It's a sorry state for anyone trying to find somewhere to live. It will not get any better for people.

fancythat Wed 26-Jul-23 17:29:33

Dont think I have quoted a bible verse on GN before, but in this case I am happy to.
Up to you whether you choose to take the advice

Proverbs 22:26-27 -- Be not one of those who give pledges, who put up security for debts. If you have nothing with which to pay, why should your bed be taken from under you?

Wyllow3 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:31:50

GrannyGravy13

If you can afford to lose the money go ahead with being a guarantor if not you have to say no.

This, but if you can manage this one more time talk it over with DH and both say OK, but after this we literally cannot support you anymore.

I'm not over optimistic if this is a long term pattern that this boundary will be easy to hold but needs must, you aren't getting any younger and needs increase.
How distressing for you flowers

Wyllow3 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:32:59

(ah, see you have decided).

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 26-Jul-23 17:36:42

I’m glad you’ve refused. Someone should only act as a guarantor if they have the money to pay if the guarantee is called on, and can afford to lose that money. If she were to take a 12months let and fail to pay the rent after a couple of months you’d be on the hook for the remainder of the tenancy.

She will doubtless have to provide a deposit against damages too.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 26-Jul-23 17:39:34

fancythat...I like your quote.

I can always rely on GN to come up with sound advice.

BlueBelle Wed 26-Jul-23 17:50:03

I m glad she’s taken it ok as it’s a difficult one we all want to help our kids how ever old or however many problems
Perhaps you can help in other ways like keeping your ears open for any flats, being genuinely caring about her trying etc, giving praise where it’s due etc etc and if she has a mental health problem she is obviously trying to keep it together and that’s not easy
I hope the relationship stays ok

Norah Wed 26-Jul-23 17:54:00

Please forgive me if I'm being petty - could happen.

I have ADD, I don't use my ADD as an excuse for any of my own behaviour. I also never was never unpleasant to mum because she had a relationship with someone I disapproved.
Those 2 things alone, and doubtless you have other worries, make me quite glad you said no.

Continue saying no to unreasonable requests. Time, at 44, for her to take responsibility for her own life - no blaming, just do it.

Norah Wed 26-Jul-23 17:55:00

Rubbish format, sorry.

Germanshepherdsmum Wed 26-Jul-23 18:15:10

Not at all Norah. You speak from experience and that’s always valuable. I agree that people have to learn to take responsibility for their own lives, difficult though it may be, because sadly their parents can’t be there forever. I expect at 44 we all thought our parents would live forever unless they had a serious illness, closed our eyes to the uncomfortable obvious.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 26-Jul-23 18:25:51

I appreciate all your comments. Bluebelle your words are lovely so thanks for that. I will have a look to see if there is anywhere I can get help for her.

welbeck Wed 26-Jul-23 18:30:08

will she apply for housing benefit; sometimes the local authority can help with deposit, esp if she has health problems.
it's worth asking them.
does she have a social worker or CPN.

Oregano Wed 26-Jul-23 18:34:09

I just wanted to say that I don't think you would be able to be a guarantor if you're retired anyway. My son asked me a few years ago to be a guarantor for him and his girlfriend wanting to rent a new flat. When we looked at the paperwork it was impossible as I wasn't earning enough to cover the rent if there was a problem, I'm also widowed. In the end he had to ask my brother who kindly did it for him, luckily there weren't any problems anyway. You could use this as a get out clause without causing too much of a rift. I hope things work themselves out for her in the future.

lyleLyle Wed 26-Jul-23 18:38:52

Say ‘no’. She is an adult. Not a young adult, but a middle aged adult. Her life is her responsibility. Her unpleasant texts are neither here nor there. She could be as pleasant as the sun is warm and the fact would remain that her life is her own responsibility at this point. I really don’t feel it is beneficial to coddle adults. I feel it hurts them to have them reliant on us when we ourselves are in the latter years of life. We will not be around forever. They must learn to live without the crutch of elderly parents.

Theexwife Wed 26-Jul-23 19:42:14

There are companies that, for a fee will be a guarantor.

coco12 Wed 26-Jul-23 19:58:18

I think you did the right thing. Huge respect as that must have been tough. Glad it went OK though and you can help in other ways.

Moonwatcher1904 Wed 26-Jul-23 22:09:24

I feel for her as she has now decided to sell her car. I told her she will miss it but she can always get another one later on if she finds herself in a more stable position.
Why do we worry about our children even when they are in their 40's?
It never ends does it?

BlueBelle Wed 26-Jul-23 22:18:32

No it never ends moonwatcher it’s called love it doesn’t matter how old they are they still capture our hearts and it’s only natural to want to help you have done the right thing but help her in other ways she is obviously trying herself
Support doesn’t just come with money

nadateturbe Wed 26-Jul-23 22:49:17

So true Moonwatcher.
Being a supportive parent never ends.
You can help in other ways.