Expecting grandchildren to tidy toys.

Op
Speak up!

Grandparents have so much more at grannies these days, I have enough to stock a small toy shop.
When my children were little, the grandparents may have had a few books, a couple of old toys, so the situation didn’t arise.
But I tell you what, I would have tidied it up anyway, my parents would have expected it for sure.

Whitewavemark2

My grandchildren are grown now, but i was/am always thrilled to spend time with them, and tidying the house is the last thing on my mind when we had so much to do or play or talk about.

The result is that we now have grandchildren who bring their latest/permanent partners and they reminisce about the times we had together, the “stuff” we made, the holidays we had. Laughing at something grandad did - riding the cart they made together.

That is what is so important - not a tidy house. No one in their death bed ever says “l wish my house had been tidier”

The house is tidy now, but our little grandchildren are grown.

Never stand in judgement on the way your offspring are bringing up their own children - it is none of your business and those who cast the first stones etc.

Relax and enjoy would be my advice. Your relationship with your own children can only benefit.

Much as I understand your points and agree that a tidy house is not the most important thing, special times and relationships are ...I also can see that the OPs exhaustion and it all being too much is a problem that cant be ignored. Plus potential risks with stuff left on the floor etc when older people are around. So I do think a conversation needs to be had

Why should your grandchildren tidy up their toys if you do it for them?
It need not involve a confrontation - they can be made to learn HOW to do it - especially if there is no example set at home. Nobody really likes tidying up but the feeling of satisfaction once achieved is undeniable.
You can make a game or race out of it. Make it more structured by providing labelled containers especially for the small toys. Also appoint an "outdoor toy" and "indoor toy monitor" . Don't have all the toys out at once- seeing them all, especially mixed up can be a daunting sight.
I think if you approach it constructively you can teach them an invaluable lesson for later life

Summerlove

retiredlady

Yes, my sons were always taught to tidy up and we always lived as a family, with them helping with chores etc. But I think tbh my daughter in law has the upper hand here….and my son I admit, is at fault, but I think he doesn’t challenge her, to try not to rock the boat too much. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he was brought up by us! (Thankfully my other son is completely different). It was especially bad this time, and my husband is also exhausted with it all

Please don’t solely blame your DIL. If your son knows your expectations, then he is failing in implementing them.

It’s too easy to blame your son being controlled

Please don't blame yourself, I have two DD's and I was a teacher so my two were taught by me when you are finished playing with one thing it's put away before you choose something else.
My DH on the other hand when left to babysit just tipped the boxes out and they sat in all the mess. MIL said I was too organised.
Now when I have visitors one DD's children do what I taught them the other does what DH did.
One helps with the cooking and clearing ,even shopping when visiting.
The other sees it as her holiday ,brings loads of little thoughtful presents and cakes etc but as her sister puts it she sits like a Queen bee on her backside. It does not matter how many times she is told nothing changes.
When my BIL visited with his children they behaved just like DH and the second daughter.
It's not just your training it's others influences as well.
I tell every visit I will need help and very rarely have both at the same time these days. I ration the amount of toys that are allowed out, keep spare small basket and tell them to put everything at the end of the day. Tough Luck if they can't find the pieces that match.
It is exhausting and makes you feel so drained just don't blame yourself and don't sort the toys for their next visit just present them with the jumble they made.I also stopped getting things like paints and glue out.Just toys that can be put in a basket or box. With BIL family felt tips are banned as well or if warm used outside You will feel an ogre but you will not be as tired or upset.

M0nica

^Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…^

Unless there is something you are not telling us, this sounds ridiculous. All you have to do is say to the children in a quiet decisive voice. 'Right time to clear the table for tea. Johnny, you pick up all the pencils and put them in this box and Sally, you gather up the papers.' Initially they may need a lot of supervision, you working with them, giving instructions etc, always in a kind friendly, but firm voice, they will get the hang of it.

The other thing, introduce that well known GN reccomendation Grandma's Rules. In Mummy and Daddy's house, Mummy and Daddy's rules apply. In Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply - and these include tidying up toys and so on.

Unless you have indulged your son from infancy, so that he never lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand and foot, I cannot see why this action should elad to estrangement.

I was going post my opinion on this but M0nica has expressed my views exactly.

Well said.

I think the rules tend to change depending how often you see them. We see one grandchild often and he knows where his stuff lives and is happy to put things away. We only see the others 3 or 4 times a year when they come to stay for a number of days. Yes the house is a mess while they are here but I'm not going to waste precious time with them getting bothered about it. I used to rush to tidy as soon as they left. Now, as they drive off I sit down with a cuppa and then start tackling it slowly. It really doesn't matter if it takes several days

PS My back doesn't let me pick things off the floor now I'm in my 70s. We are all getting older. I'm happy to cook and clear, but the tidying is not my job. I tidied before they arrived!

If parents aren't there, it's my house, my rules. If parents are there, you sweetly say to parents 'Can you get them to put the paints away before they get the Lego out please?'

Maybe you could start by just having a very limited selection of toys out for them to play with. Then the thought of putting them away won't be quite so daunting. So, after they've played and have to get ready to go home, or come to the table for a meal, the few items that are out are quickly replaced in their box.

Then you can say "Well done, doesn't that look tidy!". If the mood is right, maybe do a little dance together to celebrate the free floor space (make this look spontaneous!)

Just some ideas to place the emphasis on the advantages of tidying up and away from the actual chore.

Whitewavemark2

My grandchildren are grown now, but i was/am always thrilled to spend time with them, and tidying the house is the last thing on my mind when we had so much to do or play or talk about.

The result is that we now have grandchildren who bring their latest/permanent partners and they reminisce about the times we had together, the “stuff” we made, the holidays we had. Laughing at something grandad did - riding the cart they made together.

That is what is so important - not a tidy house. No one in their death bed ever says “l wish my house had been tidier”

The house is tidy now, but our little grandchildren are grown.

Never stand in judgement on the way your offspring are bringing up their own children - it is none of your business and those who cast the first stones etc.

Relax and enjoy would be my advice. Your relationship with your own children can only benefit.

very wise words..

It makes me feel so ‘put upon’ and they leave with the house completely trashed

Tell them! Don't put up with it.

Say that you'll get lunch/dinner ready when everyone has helped tidy up the mess they've made.

Or, as my gran-with-a-sailor-father used to say: "Time to scrub the decks! Jump to it, everyone!"

I'm not even a fussy housekeeper (ask soop 😁) and I wouldn't put up with the kind of thoughtlessness that's described.

We looked after two of our grandchildren from age 6 months until they each started senior school, two days a week, plus emergencies. They learned to clear up toys. It was their job to always clear the table. When picked up by one of their parents, that parent made them clear up their toys before they left.

Now aged 13 and 16 they each have their own chores at home including before school. Dogs to be let out and fed. Their task to clear the kitchen after dinner. They each are responsible for the day to day cleanliness of a bathroom/toilet. One every two weeks their bedroom is to be properly cleaned.
They sometimes have a wee moan but to no avail. They know their chores and they are done.
They are thoughtful and respectful teens and a pleasure to be with.

My daughter has a good idea for my granddaughter. She has to do certain jobs everyday - for example tidy toys away, clean her teeth twice a day, stay in her big girl bed at night ( call Mummy or Daddy if needed). She gets stars for doing these, if after a week she has done them all she gets £2 for her money box and she saves up for toys - at the moment it’s a Little Mermaid Tonie for her Tony box!
I look after her twice a week and the rule is to get her star she tidies her toys away at my house. Last month she wanted an umbrella with her money, she asked her Mum to buy me one as Nanny sometimes helps tidy the toys. She is very sweet.

Teach them , gradually, to put things away before they get something else out. It'll take time.

Our DS was told that anything not put away would go in the bin.

VioletSky

They are obviously treating staying with you as an opportunity for a rest...

I would just make my expectations clear next time they wanted to stay

"Hi, I have to be honest, as much as I loved seeing you last time, cooking and cleaning up after everyone left me exhausted. I would love to have you stay again but I can't manage unless you help me"

This is a good suggestion for how to make expectations clear. Surely that wont cause a problem. Its not confrontational just honest whilst being positive about seeing them

I was never the tidiest of people when my own children were younger, but toys were always put away, bikes etc never left out of doors overnight.

My own DD was always tidy, DS never was.

Now I’m retired, and it’s just DH and me at home, the house is tidy and things in place, not obsessively so, but makes life easier.

DS and DIL’s lifestyle isn’t mine, the main house is tidy but the GC (18 and 15) have chaotic bedrooms, same as their parents, although toys etc were put away when they were younger.

As for DD, although she is still tidy, her own children, now more or less grown up, also have chaotic bedrooms, and she seems to be the only one who blitzes them as it is just easier than nagging them all the time.

I wonder how they will all eventually look after their own homes, when mum isn’t there to do it for them.

( I apologise for digressing from the original issue, which was about sorting away toys).

When DD1's kids come round they are bad for "leave it at their backside and haul something else out" but they are asked by me clear it up and put it back, so one game goes away before game two comes out. Their house looks like somebody had tipped it upside down, shaken it, and turned it right way up again with everything all over the floor, every inch of everywhere is covered in goodness nows what, nothing is ever put away - but these children are much more pleasurable to have as they do what they are asked first time of asking because mum is like me and won't stand for nonsense. No means no in their house.
DD2's children are much neater and tidier and put things away when they are finished without being asked most of the time. But they are such hard work because in their house no means if you scream shout and temper tantrum for half an hour no will become "Oh go on then " and that really does my head in. Last time she was here I said to her about it, not in front of the children, and was bluntly told "they are my kids, I will do it my way, and its me that has to live with them". So I shut my mouth. When their mum is not here they do what they are asked as they know with me no means no.
So both my girls were brought up the same and both live different lives and have different styles of parenting and I love all the grandchildren equally.
I think having them staying for a week is hard work as we are all set in our routines and having extra people in the house does make it more cluttered and untidy looking. DD1's kids live round the corner and come for a few hrs. DD2's live over 100 miles away and come for a week at a time.

Well you can start by telling the children that ‘it’s time to pack up now’ and actually stand over them until they do it, because whatever was going to happen next, won’t happen.

Then it’s down to your son, tell him to help you, or to wash up, or whatever, there is no excuse for him to sit and let you do any of it let alone all of the work, leave the DIL out of it, speak directly to your son, treat him as your pair of extra pair of hands. That way your house will be as tidy as you want is all of the time and especially when they leave as you will have told him or asked him nicely to strip all of the beds.

When my GCs were small I did it all and didn’t mind because I was 20 yrs younger than I am now, I certainly wouldn’t be able to do it now. Your son has to realise that he is wearing you out.

My GC were taught by their parents to put toys back in their box before they can play with more.
I have two boxes of toys that they play with and they put everything back before they leave. My Dil always makes sure they tidy up and so does my DD.
My twin grandchildren sorted out toys they consider are too young for them now and put them in a bag for charity.

That's very true Dickens the clutter can easily become a trip hazard... and then what!

My smallest DGC behave a bit like a demolition squad. The last time they came it was a flying visit so there wasn't time to tidy away. only to get the toys out I know it's important to train them but it's DD in my case so I feel responsible.

All 3 DDiL are much tidier than I am and up to a point, they have trained my sons.. One house is like a show house, everything spotless.

Wish I had a pic of it, but I once sent a birthday card with a picture of a man slumped, looking shattered, in a chair, the room in complete chaos.

Woman in the doorway, with a 😱 expression - ‘Have we been burgled?’

Man: ‘No, the grandchildren have just been.’

Elegran

Several people have said that the grandchildren have a playroom, or a toy corner. But how about those of us who DON'T have an extra room where we can shut the door on chaos, or whose rooms are too small to give one part of a living-room over to be strewn with toys? Or thsoe who are less steady on their feet than they used to be, and who find it very stressful to pick their way round a floor covered with toy hazards?

Quite!

It's easy to be casual about the chaos if you don't have to manoeuvre your way around it every time you need to walk from A to B.

I don't think anyone expects military-precision in stowing away the toys, but a floor left covered with them, plus the odd shoe and maybe socks, discarded drinks, biscuits trodden into the carpet after mum and dad have sloped off to bed... no, that's not on.

You tidy and clear it all up - and before you've even had time to put the kettle on the next morning - the kids are down playing and beginning the whole process again.

It happened to me - once - fortunately, the family live abroad so the visits are rare, and now the kids are grown up. But, that experience left me feeling ill and exhausted.

It's just pure laziness on the part of the parents. I know they often work hard and have busy lives. Well so did I back in the 70s, but I never thought it was OK to let my son create chaos in someone else's home.

Yes exactly , MercuryQueen, just say ‘Right, I need some help with …..’ . And ‘Let’s get started with ……..

Our sitting room does almost invariably resemble a bomb site after Gdcs have been staying (without their parents) but TBH it only takes about 10 minutes to put it straight again.

Their own house is rarely if ever anything like tidy - both parents working more or less full time -but the children are healthy, happy, and (apart from tidying up!) a pleasure - polite and well behaved, so I can’t get too steamed up about it.

Funnily enough, despite the usual carnage (as dd puts it) at their house, they seem to have a constant stream of visitors/guests, who are evidently entirely happy with the chilled atmosphere.