Expecting grandchildren to tidy toys.

It’s lovely seeing the family but you are not being unreasonable about the mess and I would feel the same . If the children don’t see the parents clearing up they certainly won’t either.
I think you might speak to your adult children and tell them how you feel. Tactfully of course. Good luck.

I'm afraid the clue is in "like their parents" - they don't know any different. Did you get your child(ren) to tidy up when they were at home|?
My grandchildren (5 & 2) are encouraged to tidy up at home and do so at our house too (with help).We make it into a game, eg put all the red cars away, can you tidy quicker than nanny etc

I think you need to do more than suggest. You should insist on them tidying up, help with the chores etc. Perhaps a quiet word with your son or daughter and say it’s all to much - you’re not fully enjoying their visits because of the amount of stress and work, say you’re getting too old to do everything and they need to pull their weight.

Why do you allow it, is my question.

Yes, my sons were always taught to tidy up and we always lived as a family, with them helping with chores etc. But I think tbh my daughter in law has the upper hand here….and my son I admit, is at fault, but I think he doesn’t challenge her, to try not to rock the boat too much. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he was brought up by us! (Thankfully my other son is completely different). It was especially bad this time, and my husband is also exhausted with it all

Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…

I think instead of suggesting, you need to start telling.
Personally, I’d lay down the law prior to the next visit

I make sure DGS1 makes an effort to tidy up, although I do insist jigsaws and games are put away in the box as soon as they’ve been played with. I help him, so it’s a fun thing to line it all up or whatever.
2yr old DGS2 likes to tidy up - I think it’s something they’re encouraged to do at Nursery.
DDs will pitch in too if they’re here and always try to straighten up the kitchen before they leave.

They are obviously treating staying with you as an opportunity for a rest...

I would just make my expectations clear next time they wanted to stay

"Hi, I have to be honest, as much as I loved seeing you last time, cooking and cleaning up after everyone left me exhausted. I would love to have you stay again but I can't manage unless you help me"

retiredlady

Yes, my sons were always taught to tidy up and we always lived as a family, with them helping with chores etc. But I think tbh my daughter in law has the upper hand here….and my son I admit, is at fault, but I think he doesn’t challenge her, to try not to rock the boat too much. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he was brought up by us! (Thankfully my other son is completely different). It was especially bad this time, and my husband is also exhausted with it all

Please don’t solely blame your DIL. If your son knows your expectations, then he is failing in implementing them.

It’s too easy to blame your son being controlled

I'd expect the parents to take the lead here, not an 8 year old and 5 year old.

Your son is perfectly able to show his children how to help tidy up and is perfectly capable of helping you too even if your DIL was brought up differently.

I too think you need to talk to your son and daughter in law about this. . Explain how the mess is making you tired and stressed and they need to help. It's quite disrespectful to treat your home in this way and certainly not a good example for the children.

Thank you for the comments. At least I can see that it’s not just me! And yes, I’m fed up of making excuses for my son. I agree that he should intervene. I’m sure they do treat it as a rest time, with us taking care of everything. I think we’re actually too hospitable providing ample food and drink etc and they take advantage of us.They won’t be staying again until Christmas….and I need to do some thinking about how to handle that.

Even if your dil isn’t doing anything that doesn’t stop your son helping, he can also tell his children to clear up after themselves. Have a word with them both but don’t blame your dil.

So you announce at breakfast:
I am cooking tonight, you (son/daughter in law) are doing the dishes.. reverse tomorrow night.. whichever one is free is bathing and getting kids to bed AFTER the toys are put away.
Give a BIG smile and move on.
You lie down long enough somebody WILL walk all over you!
Be firm. Be clear. And hold them to it.
Have a lovely family Christmas!

retiredlady

Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…

Is that a real possibility? It can be with some families.

We have a playroom upstairs and a Cory of the sitting room with books and puzzles.

As long as the family is happy and not disrespectful of our home, I/we go with the flow.

Memories are more important than tidy homes.

*Cory? should read corner

When I was a child I was not allowed to get a fresh toy out until I had tidied the previous one away. If I was doing my homework on the kitchen table my mother would fearfully glance at the clock when she knew my father was due home and make me put my books away and clear the space. She knew that he would go ballistic if he saw me hogging the table when he wanted his meal.

Its a habit that has stuck. When I finish a task I try to put everything away before I begin another job. If items Ive been using belong in another room I stack them neatly together so they can conveniently be carried there next time I go into that room.

Parents now seem afraid to discipline their children to be neat and tidy - almost as if its an infringement of their human rights,

No need to make a big deal or be confrontational. Just ask directly for help with a specific task as needed eg please set the table, you wash and I'll dry etc etc.
Your son doesn't need to challenge his partner, nothing to stop him helping you and showing his children how to tidy up,
Good luck!

Ours are round often, I like happy.

They've a playroom/library/sitting room, I tidy when they leave.

I can’t imagine the scenario. You wouldn’t be able to move in my small house if toys were not cleared up after use.
Since it doesn’t occur to the young parents to take the initiative, you have to ( cheerfully) assert some authority. It is all part of the day’s arrangements. Eg
Activities on the table need to be cleared away so we can sit down for the next meal.
And if nobody washes up or unloads the dishwasher, there is nothing to eat off.
When the floor is clear we can all watch a film etc.
I’ll make a drink whilst you tidy the crayons away.
We’ll go to the park once the games are put in their boxes.

I had a similar situation with son and family who visit a couple of times a year from abroad. When children were younger, parents would take all the pillows in the house, re-arrange furniture in the bedrooms and generally turn the place upside down. Like you retiredlady I seemed to spend all the time when they were here cooking and clearing up.

This probably wouldn't work for you, but last summer we decided to go away for a few days, while they were here, leaving them the house so they could invite their own friends ( and do their own cooking etc). It worked quite well and was less stressful. The previous summer, as they were leaving, they said "see you at Christmas ". I was dreading it, as previous Christmas visits had been particularly hard. Fortunately Covid intervened and they had to cancel.

Last summer, anticipating that they would want to come at Christmas, I bit the bullet and explained, truthfully, that I find it very stressful and the rest of the family were staying in their own houses for Christmas, so they were welcome any other time. They took it well and it was a great relief. They came at Easter instead and again recently.

After the recent visit, the place was a tip again, but once the sitting room is sorted, I leave the bedrooms with toys till I feel like tackling them!

I suppose my main point is being honest about how you feel can be helpful.

Quit hinting and suggesting, and start making your needs known.

Two things: a call or text, “love seeing you guys! Next time, we’re going to have to make sure things are tidy before you leave, it looked like an explosion in a toy factory 🤣”

Then when they’re present, ask for help. Direct it to your son, “I need a hand with the dishes, please.” “Will you help the children tidy?” “Please strip your beds and throw them in the wash before you leave.”

I say to direct it to him because a) he’s your son and therefore the primary relationship b) no reason he shouldn’t be helping.

I called my older brother out for similar behaviour at my parents. He and his wife sat around waiting to be served while Mom, my younger brothers and I were hustling to get things done. He tried to send his wife, and I told him, “She’s not your servant. Get off your butt and help.”

We were all raised doing chores, there wasn’t any gender division. But somehow, he got it into his head that he was now excused. Nope. My mother would complain behind his back for days after about him not helping, but never said anything to him.

He helped out after that.