Expecting grandchildren to tidy toys.

Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…

Unless there is something you are not telling us, this sounds ridiculous. All you have to do is say to the children in a quiet decisive voice. 'Right time to clear the table for tea. Johnny, you pick up all the pencils and put them in this box and Sally, you gather up the papers.' Initially they may need a lot of supervision, you working with them, giving instructions etc, always in a kind friendly, but firm voice, they will get the hang of it.

The other thing, introduce that well known GN reccomendation Grandma's Rules. In Mummy and Daddy's house, Mummy and Daddy's rules apply. In Grandma's house, Grandma's rules apply - and these include tidying up toys and so on.

Unless you have indulged your son from infancy, so that he never lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand and foot, I cannot see why this action should elad to estrangement.

Several people have said that the grandchildren have a playroom, or a toy corner. But how about those of us who DON'T have an extra room where we can shut the door on chaos, or whose rooms are too small to give one part of a living-room over to be strewn with toys? Or thsoe who are less steady on their feet than they used to be, and who find it very stressful to pick their way round a floor covered with toy hazards?

I expect you started it by saying the first time they stayed, 'Oh, don't bother, leave it, have a rest and I'll do it after you have gone' which is what I did when I was first retired and the family came to stay.
They took me absolutely at my word, and although some now help others don't. (No names, no pack drill).
But the children who visit are told pretty sharply by their parents to clear away and help tidy up.
It just isn't fair to leave everything in a mess and expect you to cook, clean and tidy constantly during your stay. Can you just say breezily but very firmly, "well, you wash up whilst I help the children tidy up their toys, other wise it will be midnight before I get it all done" and make it clear you expect them to do so? (Harder than it seems.)
Part of the trouble with young children at school is that teachers now instruct the children to leave all their activities, 'the TAs will clear it away' whilst they are rushed onto the next activity, without making the slightest attempt to take responsibility for their mess. Consequently they resent being expected to sort out jigsaws and plasticine, put books in a tidy pile, and collect pens, pencils rulers etc and place in suitably labelled containers, all part of early years education.
We have made a rod for our own back!

We are fortunate to have a playroom, but even so, I always say we need to tidy one thing away before we start on another.
I’m not totally strict, I have the youngest one day a week now, and don’t want to spend it nagging her.
But I sympathise, either have to toughen up, or just let it go, and do a massive tidy up when they leave.

Keeping their surroundings reasonable clear and tidy is part of life, and the sooner it becomes automatic the better. I wouldn't go so far as to insist that each toy is played with in isolation and put away before the next is used - using Lego to make a home for Action Man and then having him launch rescues from its roof to save Weebles trapped in a "burning" garage building is an using their imagination and not to be discouraged.

There is good advice on here on how to dangle the carrot of what can be done once the place is tidier. Be a bit devious! And don't just do it all yourself because the hints fall on deaf ears. Say straight out that X can help the children clear the floor while Y sets the table, and you finish cooking - and make a great fuss when your furniture isn't respected and looked after. Remind them that it is real wood and not plastic.

My grandchildren are grown now, but i was/am always thrilled to spend time with them, and tidying the house is the last thing on my mind when we had so much to do or play or talk about.

The result is that we now have grandchildren who bring their latest/permanent partners and they reminisce about the times we had together, the “stuff” we made, the holidays we had. Laughing at something grandad did - riding the cart they made together.

That is what is so important - not a tidy house. No one in their death bed ever says “l wish my house had been tidier”

The house is tidy now, but our little grandchildren are grown.

Never stand in judgement on the way your offspring are bringing up their own children - it is none of your business and those who cast the first stones etc.

Relax and enjoy would be my advice. Your relationship with your own children can only benefit.

At Grandmas it’s not hard to have a toy box and train the children to put them away when they leave, just start young. What they do at home is no interest of yours, at your place it’s different.

We taught our children to clear away their toys before bedtime or if we where going out. I have 3 large boxes of toys and a box of Duplo for my grandson's they put everything away before they leave and even put them back in the place I keep them. They are 5 and 2.5 after putting away the toys even the little on insists on helping carrying the boxes .

They have to put away their toys at home and at their other grandparents.

Even at school and nursery the children have to put away things . At nursery there is a tidy up song.

Quit hinting and suggesting, and start making your needs known.

Two things: a call or text, “love seeing you guys! Next time, we’re going to have to make sure things are tidy before you leave, it looked like an explosion in a toy factory 🤣”

Then when they’re present, ask for help. Direct it to your son, “I need a hand with the dishes, please.” “Will you help the children tidy?” “Please strip your beds and throw them in the wash before you leave.”

I say to direct it to him because a) he’s your son and therefore the primary relationship b) no reason he shouldn’t be helping.

I called my older brother out for similar behaviour at my parents. He and his wife sat around waiting to be served while Mom, my younger brothers and I were hustling to get things done. He tried to send his wife, and I told him, “She’s not your servant. Get off your butt and help.”

We were all raised doing chores, there wasn’t any gender division. But somehow, he got it into his head that he was now excused. Nope. My mother would complain behind his back for days after about him not helping, but never said anything to him.

He helped out after that.

I had a similar situation with son and family who visit a couple of times a year from abroad. When children were younger, parents would take all the pillows in the house, re-arrange furniture in the bedrooms and generally turn the place upside down. Like you retiredlady I seemed to spend all the time when they were here cooking and clearing up.

This probably wouldn't work for you, but last summer we decided to go away for a few days, while they were here, leaving them the house so they could invite their own friends ( and do their own cooking etc). It worked quite well and was less stressful. The previous summer, as they were leaving, they said "see you at Christmas ". I was dreading it, as previous Christmas visits had been particularly hard. Fortunately Covid intervened and they had to cancel.

Last summer, anticipating that they would want to come at Christmas, I bit the bullet and explained, truthfully, that I find it very stressful and the rest of the family were staying in their own houses for Christmas, so they were welcome any other time. They took it well and it was a great relief. They came at Easter instead and again recently.

After the recent visit, the place was a tip again, but once the sitting room is sorted, I leave the bedrooms with toys till I feel like tackling them!

I suppose my main point is being honest about how you feel can be helpful.

I can’t imagine the scenario. You wouldn’t be able to move in my small house if toys were not cleared up after use.
Since it doesn’t occur to the young parents to take the initiative, you have to ( cheerfully) assert some authority. It is all part of the day’s arrangements. Eg
Activities on the table need to be cleared away so we can sit down for the next meal.
And if nobody washes up or unloads the dishwasher, there is nothing to eat off.
When the floor is clear we can all watch a film etc.
I’ll make a drink whilst you tidy the crayons away.
We’ll go to the park once the games are put in their boxes.

Ours are round often, I like happy.

They've a playroom/library/sitting room, I tidy when they leave.

No need to make a big deal or be confrontational. Just ask directly for help with a specific task as needed eg please set the table, you wash and I'll dry etc etc.
Your son doesn't need to challenge his partner, nothing to stop him helping you and showing his children how to tidy up,
Good luck!

When I was a child I was not allowed to get a fresh toy out until I had tidied the previous one away. If I was doing my homework on the kitchen table my mother would fearfully glance at the clock when she knew my father was due home and make me put my books away and clear the space. She knew that he would go ballistic if he saw me hogging the table when he wanted his meal.

Its a habit that has stuck. When I finish a task I try to put everything away before I begin another job. If items Ive been using belong in another room I stack them neatly together so they can conveniently be carried there next time I go into that room.

Parents now seem afraid to discipline their children to be neat and tidy - almost as if its an infringement of their human rights,

*Cory? should read corner

We have a playroom upstairs and a Cory of the sitting room with books and puzzles.

As long as the family is happy and not disrespectful of our home, I/we go with the flow.

Memories are more important than tidy homes.

retiredlady

Why do I allow it, is a good question! I think it’s because I fear a huge confrontation…and then not seeing the grandchildren at all….It’s crazy I know…

Is that a real possibility? It can be with some families.

So you announce at breakfast:
I am cooking tonight, you (son/daughter in law) are doing the dishes.. reverse tomorrow night.. whichever one is free is bathing and getting kids to bed AFTER the toys are put away.
Give a BIG smile and move on.
You lie down long enough somebody WILL walk all over you!
Be firm. Be clear. And hold them to it.
Have a lovely family Christmas!

Even if your dil isn’t doing anything that doesn’t stop your son helping, he can also tell his children to clear up after themselves. Have a word with them both but don’t blame your dil.

Thank you for the comments. At least I can see that it’s not just me! And yes, I’m fed up of making excuses for my son. I agree that he should intervene. I’m sure they do treat it as a rest time, with us taking care of everything. I think we’re actually too hospitable providing ample food and drink etc and they take advantage of us.They won’t be staying again until Christmas….and I need to do some thinking about how to handle that.

I too think you need to talk to your son and daughter in law about this. . Explain how the mess is making you tired and stressed and they need to help. It's quite disrespectful to treat your home in this way and certainly not a good example for the children.

I'd expect the parents to take the lead here, not an 8 year old and 5 year old.

Your son is perfectly able to show his children how to help tidy up and is perfectly capable of helping you too even if your DIL was brought up differently.

retiredlady

Yes, my sons were always taught to tidy up and we always lived as a family, with them helping with chores etc. But I think tbh my daughter in law has the upper hand here….and my son I admit, is at fault, but I think he doesn’t challenge her, to try not to rock the boat too much. Sometimes I can hardly believe that he was brought up by us! (Thankfully my other son is completely different). It was especially bad this time, and my husband is also exhausted with it all

Please don’t solely blame your DIL. If your son knows your expectations, then he is failing in implementing them.

It’s too easy to blame your son being controlled

They are obviously treating staying with you as an opportunity for a rest...

I would just make my expectations clear next time they wanted to stay

"Hi, I have to be honest, as much as I loved seeing you last time, cooking and cleaning up after everyone left me exhausted. I would love to have you stay again but I can't manage unless you help me"

I make sure DGS1 makes an effort to tidy up, although I do insist jigsaws and games are put away in the box as soon as they’ve been played with. I help him, so it’s a fun thing to line it all up or whatever.
2yr old DGS2 likes to tidy up - I think it’s something they’re encouraged to do at Nursery.
DDs will pitch in too if they’re here and always try to straighten up the kitchen before they leave.