Daughter starts horrendous arguments within minutes of speaking to me.

I agree with sending a carefully worded and loving letter with no apologies and no blame Colvillefly, simply explaining that the arguments are hurtful (you could say that they must be hurtful for her too) and in future if they start, you'll end the call.

It doesn't matter if she keeps hold of the letter because there'd be nothing wrong with it and as pascal's posted, a letter may give her the opportunity to think about how she's behaving and why.

You need to have boundaries to protect yourself and sometimes as upsetting as it is, you need to protect yourself from your own child, which you can do while remaining in contact.

Good luck .

I would not s

I would not write a letter it will be misinterpreted whatever you say. Been there.
Distancing yourself is the best way. Answer calls but keep them short, very short, don't give up
On her, we always return to our mothers, time and patience keeps you from regrets

I'm sorry your daughter is treating you like this Colvillefly it's very hard I know. I think the best thing to do is not to engage with her when she is being hurtful. You can tell her you love her and will help her but you are not prepared to tolerate her abuse and end the call. You have to look after yourself in this situation.

It sounds as though she is very unhappy , severely depressed. When my teenage son used to do this I used to tell him I loved him and leave the conversation .
Poor you , its an awful scenario because you do love her and because she loves you she's treating you like the punchbag .

I've sent you a pm .
You are not alone .

Esmay

I've sent you a pm .
You are not alone .

Me too!

This sounds very distressing and I would suggest, as others have, that you don't communicate with her directly. Ask one of your other DC to pass on information so that at least she cannot claim that you didn't keep her informed about her father. You have enough to deal with without this vitriol.

She does sound as if she needs professional help but she's an adult and this is not your responsibility. It would only make matters worse if you suggested it.

If it was me I would keep her informed and if she started a rant I would put the phone down, for social media just block her.

Whatever her problem dont let it get to you, thinking forward to bereavement and inheritance issues, a family member that is disruptive can cause chaos, make sure your wills are clear and concise, preferably mutual.

Katie59

If it was me I would keep her informed and if she started a rant I would put the phone down, for social media just block her.

Whatever her problem dont let it get to you, thinking forward to bereavement and inheritance issues, a family member that is disruptive can cause chaos, make sure your wills are clear and concise, preferably mutual.

Not that easy Katy59! This daughter is still her baby, just like all the others. If she does have mental health problems then she can’t help it and needs professional help.

Could you cut someone out of your Will because they had a disease or disability? Mental health is an illness.

What a horrible situation for you - it's not hard to see why you must feel so wretched. Good advice on here, as always; I hope you can get some sleep and then perhaps read through again and decide which course to take. We all tolerate more from our families than we would from others, but there is a limit, and you should not have to cope with such unkind and soul destroying behaviour - it sounds as if she does need help. Good luck.x

I have sent you a pm

Primrose53

Katie59

If it was me I would keep her informed and if she started a rant I would put the phone down, for social media just block her.

Whatever her problem dont let it get to you, thinking forward to bereavement and inheritance issues, a family member that is disruptive can cause chaos, make sure your wills are clear and concise, preferably mutual.

Not that easy Katy59! This daughter is still her baby, just like all the others. If she does have mental health problems then she can’t help it and needs professional help.

Could you cut someone out of your Will because they had a disease or disability? Mental health is an illness.

I wasnt thinking about Mental Illness , daughter sounds vindictive and disruptive for whatever reason, nor was I proposing cutting anyone out, that’s your assertion, disruptive relatives cause chaos when inheritance has to be dealt with.
Be prepared for it!.

Katie59

Primrose53

Katie59

If it was me I would keep her informed and if she started a rant I would put the phone down, for social media just block her.

Whatever her problem dont let it get to you, thinking forward to bereavement and inheritance issues, a family member that is disruptive can cause chaos, make sure your wills are clear and concise, preferably mutual.

Not that easy Katy59! This daughter is still her baby, just like all the others. If she does have mental health problems then she can’t help it and needs professional help.

Could you cut someone out of your Will because they had a disease or disability? Mental health is an illness.

I wasnt thinking about Mental Illness , daughter sounds vindictive and disruptive for whatever reason, nor was I proposing cutting anyone out, that’s your assertion, disruptive relatives cause chaos when inheritance has to be dealt with.
Be prepared for it!.

You mentioned bereavement and inheritance issues so I thought that was where you were heading. Sorry.

I know first hand what chaos relatives can cause where Wills are involved. 🤫

I can empathise. I go through similar disrespectful, entitled relationship with my daughter. You are not alone. I speak to others in the same situation. Sending love.

Is there, or has there ever been, an issue between your DD and her father which may add to her resentment when you've mentioned him?
Does everything set her off, or have you noticed any patterns?
Have you had a proper discussion with her siblings, could you have a sit down with them to discuss her properly?
How old is she, and when did you notice that she starts these arguments?
She may be trying to get your attention to something that she doesn't feel she can mention outright!!
Definitely have a discussion with her siblings to see what they have noticed!
Is there much difference in ages of them all, was she ever particularly close to any of her siblings and if so, has a gap widened between them?

Can I put in my 5p.. I’m a daughter with a child. Ever since giving birth my relationship with my mother has slowly deteriorated. And all the above she would have probably said about me. It came to a head when I took my daughter to see her to celebrate a big birthday, she was in France with family. She ignored me the whole time I was there. We got back to uk I wanted to discuss why she had ignored me, I already felt unwelcome on their holiday celebrations-but I didn’t want my daughter to miss out. - but she wouldn’t talk to me about it, eventually she sent me message saying that I’m bipolar and she will no longer engage with me. This has been building for years really. But her final push away from me has given me the full truth that I wish I had had the courage to see before. I am now reading toxic parenting and doing as much research as I can to understand my childhood and much of my failed adulthood. And her narcissistic parenting. It’s scary for me but something I have to admit and address.
I’m not saying this is the case here but wanted to give a daughters perspective. Yes sometimes people have mh but sometimes there is bad parenting as well. It’s not always obvious what is really going on. Hope no one minds me posting here. But just happened to see this tread.
And I’m not bipolar.
And I’m not ocd which I was also accused of. When we were travelling on a train once, we got talking to a man and my mum started to tell him I was ocd. He then started telling us about his real life ocd daughter and how difficult her life is. He was practically in tears with the heart break of her condition.

In the end you maye have to cut off an abusive relationship for your own sanity.

I had an abusive childhood due to my fathers violence - my sister was never touched. After I left home at 22 my parents showered financial help on my sister. They treated her like a heroine because she gave them two grandchildren but I was a sinner for remaining childfree. Anything I achieved (high status job, academic distinction) did not matter in comparison. When I did go to see them my mother constantly made catty remarks about my appearance and lack of a husband.

It all came to a head on the evening of my fathers funeral when I walked out of the house late evening, returned home and cut off my mother. I refused her phone calls and returned her letters marked "not accepted". I never saw her again and she died a year later while I was working abroad. No one knew how to reach me and fottunately there were no smart phones back then.

Yes. This is what I am realising now. Just wished I had seen it earlier.
Sorry you had a similar thing.
I also have a sibling that’s golden child and gets everything.
Abusive toxic relationships.
I now need to try and extricate myself from toxic financial situations too.

It does sound like your daughter as problems in her life whether it is health a relationship drug taking or something else. She could be in a relationship which you know nothing about, or a situation she as found herself in.
Unless your daughter is prepared to share her life experiences with you there is nothing you can do unless she asks.
When you next see her if she starts an argument for no reason just walk away, do this until she realizes that you are not playing her game.
When she leaves tell her you love her and give her a hug.
I'm sorry I can't offer any other advice.

Sorry for you and have been through similar maybe because I am easy going. Sometimes seems as though it is a form of counselling we are being used fir when they start dumping abuse like that ... some folk you just can’t get on with so unless she has a hormonal imbalance or similar which is not being addressed I would just give her a wide berth and set new boundaries...! Good luck 😉

I know how much it hurts...it is unbearable. Is she menopausal by any chance? I can't understand my daughter's occasional apparent loathing and yet her total loyalty and trust. I've toughened myself a bit and edit what I tell her a little but like you I don't know where it comes from. Except we become a dump bin because they know how deeply they are loved? I know my daughter suffers remorse I just wish she didn't do it. So hold on, I don't think you're at all alone. I've found that backing off and making myself a bit scarce is best. I think they really feel they are in the right... Perhaps they can't stand the closeness? Also, people tend to get away with what they canget away with so stoical withdrawal is necessary. But that is not easy, I remember when it started happening I'd break down crying and be treated even worse, although her remorse was worse. It takes time. I get accused of most odd things, like never saying sorry? everything being about me, being a drama queen...all things that in fact she was exhibiting. You'll get there. In a weird way, she wants you to be strong. It's a high price to pay. When I challenged my daughter on her apparent dislike of me she was astonished...I obviously need to improve and am just not good enough to be her mother! Luckily we both often laugh now when it happens because I have got braver.

I never understand, on threads like this, why an op never comes back, after the opening post.

I think your daughter may have problems in her life that you are not aware of.
Do keep in touch with her and if you ring make the phone call short but positive. Don't react to her sharp nasty comments just end the call with some excuse. Best of luck

Have you or her brothers and sisters tried asking her why she is so agrumentative?

Or simply said, "If we can't have a civil conversation, I shall ring off now." and put the phone down.

Obviously, something is bugging her, so try to find out what it is.

If she doesn't give you a civil reply, then tell her you will talk when her bad mood has blown over.

This sounds like sheer bad manners that you and the rest of the family are letting her get away with, rather than a personality disorder.