Confused and sensitive

When there is an OP like the one here it’s generally assumed that the poster is the one who has been hard done by.

I have a very close friend who could have posted on the terrible problems she has with her daughter. She would have told you how financially generous she is, how she’s always there to help: all true, but she won’t tell you it’s her way or the highway.

Sheian62

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

TBH Sheian62 I think it's almost impossible to get any real unbiased advice or help on matters like yours - related to family problems.

Obviously, you can only tell us so much. You want to remain anonymous - you can't give too much detail, but have to give sufficient so that we get a good idea of the problem, and that's a difficult balance. Also, of course, we don't know the background to any of this. So people will take what you write at face value - apart from the one who was determined to read between the lines and basically 'condemned' you for your choice of words! I think that was rather unfair.

Constructive criticism is always useful, so I'd weed out the posts that you think are genuinely trying to be helpful, and not take too personally the rather judgemental ones... it's the nature of social media.

being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it

Well, posters can only answer with the information you have given, which you say is only half of it.

I too find the way you refer to your family as rather strange - extended family?
Extended family to me would mean your DC's parents-in-law, brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, ie your son-in-law's family.

What about your other DC, do they communicate several times a day? Are you comparing your DD with them?

If there are problems that have been pointed out with the bits you have told us, then those are things you can personally work on and improve for the sake of your relationship

If you are the sort of person who cannot self reflect on your own thoughts and words, I don't think things will get better and that is such a shame

Op

Of course we do not know 30+ years of your story!

We can only give feedback on your posts

Good luck!

I could write a lot more, but some people on here are unbelievable in their opinions, being very judgemental when they don’t know half of it. I suppose I shouldn’t use the forum for advice because it’s impossible to explain in detail what has been going on for 30+ years and people are pulling my words apart in the belief that they have sussed out the truth. My last words in this are you don’t know me, or my life or the truth at all and I regret visiting the forum to expect sympathy. How silly of me. I suppose I am a fool, but thanks to those who have given me some support. I appreciate it

Harris27

I’m lucky if I get one text a week off my sons!

That often😬

i can never get my daughter to answer her phone, she is always busy with her 2year old
That one sentence says it all. Who refers to their daughters child, her grandchild, as her 2 year old
Always read between the lines. That’s where the truth lies.

I don't think either you - or your daughter - are doing anything "wrong".

You just both live in different worlds. And our world is not their world, so neither will quite fall in with the other.

I think some have been a bit harsh on you with their replies. Depending on the severity of your medical problems, a "how are you Mum?" isn't asking too much. And although the 90-year old grandfather hasn't been in touch, it wouldn't hurt her to at least ask you how he's getting on. Maybe he doesn't get in touch because he doesn't want to bother her with a 'phone call and texting might not be his thing.

TBH, I think some of our adult children can be quite self-centred at times - but of course they are often very busy working and managing a family... however, they are not infrequently very speedy at getting in touch when they want something!

As others have said, less is more. Hang back a bit - maybe just a text to her now and again with a "hope all's well with you and the family - must dash, off to lunch now" with a smiley emoji... indicating that you don't need a reply.

I talked to a psychotherapist about this sort of generational family communication problem and in essence was told that we parents should expect to receive whatever our ACs share but not expect them to want to hear about our lives in detail. If they ask and show interest it’s a bonus. I know it sounds unfair but our kids are part of the social media world and everything is shared superficially with everyone and anyone. So, we have to accept all those annoying texts and minute info about nothing much but don’t try to return the favour. Tell your friends, tell your own siblings or close relatives but not your kids. It’s hard to accept, I know, but it’s better than trying to force them into behaving how you want them to be, it will end in grief.

I’m lucky if I get one text a week off my sons!

Please help me see where I am going wrong.

Well that is where you are going wrong, - you are blaming yourself. You have as you say, a difficult daughter. As others have said, stand back, do less, get less involved. You are doing nothing wrong.

Do you have any outside interests, do you and your DH have a life together, involving the two of you doing things you enjoy.

What you need to do is ration your daughter and DGS. Limit your texting to just telling her things she needs to know. Do not bombard her for texts. When her husband is away. Invite her round to your house and make it clear going places is not on the agenda. Have some, toys, not too many inyour house for your DGS to play with, pens and paper, a few books to read, some lego. That is all that is needed. Other times you could go out, but only if you feel well enough and can afford it. If you cannot do something she wants because you and your DH are ill, then say so and ignore all her persuasions otherwise.

When your DD gets all wound up wants to have rows with you or do things she wants to do that are too much for you, walk away, quite literally turn your back and walk out. I have a daughter who used to get wound up and want rows. I simply refused to do so, I changed the subject, I made snuffling little non-noises, if all else failed I sat and let her rant without responding or I walked away. It got worse before it got better, but once she realised I wasn't going to have rows with her, she stopped trying. Now she rings me when she is upset, and uses me as a sounding board, but we do not have rows.

Good idea Primrose do a 👍 or a 🫶in reply to her many texts if you haven't got an "acceptable type" reply to them.
..I think most of us do that.

I might sometimes say "looks great" " wow she's so fast/careful/like hed daddy" or similar. I tag messages 😍 or 💕 quite often.

All fairly normal I think.

If you can find some joy in what she's doing I think things will improve.

Praise your daughter for taking the little one out, for whatever. "You are such a good mum, you are so patient/ adventurous/fun with him..." She is doing her best and maybe would like to hear you appreciate what she's doing. I am not always excited about (for example) trips to Disneyland 🙄 - but I do try to be excited for/with them. 😬

Good luck.

Some really harsh comments on here! You’re not being over sensitive Sheian. Your daughter sounds to me to be very self centred and totally obsessed with entertaining her son, above all else. Her childish comments regarding her very elderly grandfather are hurtful. The fact that she is uninterested in her parents’ well-being is very unkind. As others have suggested, just respond to her messages with a 👍 or something appropriate. I would cease to text her for a while and wait to see what her reaction is. 💐

Good advice from Grandtante.
I've learnt to step back and zip up.

Lathyrus

When she says you bombard her with texts, how often do you text her? Once a day would be plenty if you feel the need for daily contact.
How often does she send photos etc. Would you prefer that to be less often?

Frankly nobody wants conversations about medical stuff unless it’s to talk about their own!

I don’t know anyone under 60 who has conversations on the phone anymore.

Do you think you might be a bit too dependent on contact with her instead of an interesting life of your own.

I wish that was the case that people under 60 don't call. I am in a coffee shop, man opposite possibly 30's talking loadly on the phone and laughing like a hyena.
OP I think you are right in texting her less and asking how she is. My friends Mother always says she does not call often, but as my friend says, her Mother is retired and she is busy working.

Just do a 👍 or a 🫶in reply to her texts and leave it at that.

My late Mum used to get a bit upset sometimes that her granddaughters couldn’t very often find time to come and see her with their kids despite living locally. She idolised them all and sewed lovely quilts, knitted baby clothes and toys for the grandchildren when they were small and then the great grandchildren. She did once say they only come when it’s around a birthday time and I have heard that many times from older people.

Expectations are the culprit all over again - you and your daughter are not on the same page at all

You clearly do not think highly of tour daughter and clearly disapprove of how she has organized her life

Her priority is her nuclear family and not what you think she should do - I can read your resentment

Why would she call her grandfather if he doesn't contact her at all? Team daughter

Please do not label her with a serious mental illness because she seems to get mad at you- that would create a bigger rift in the relationship

Be thankful she includes you so much in her life - one way those pictures and videos may stop

I do not think you are being over sensitive. It is the way of the world not many phone calls, just text when they can be bothered.

I have had to come to terms with various things and accept it is their way or no way. I would never have treated my DM like that.

A friend once said to me about her DD - just think of yourself as a chest of drawers which her DD opened when she needed something and then kept it shut when they did not! Harsh, but true!

I think you need to accept that young mothers today do tend to let EVERYTHING depend on what they are doing with or for their child or children.

Bombarding you with photos of her son, refusing to visit in your home because the child will be bored - I have heard all of this and more from young mothers in the past ten years or so.

And yes, their children are to our mind unbearably spoiled and will have a hard time learning to live in the adult world - but hang on a second! My grandmothers said that about me!

Don't bother answering all your daughter's texts or photos about her wonderful child - send a message once a week thanking her for this last batch and give her an update on what is going on in your life.

Sheian62
Strange to use extended family she’s your daughter, your immediate family.

I don’t think you’re getting a lot of sympathy here !
I don’t think you are being over sensitive.If you feel this then you feel this.
Why does it always have to be the way of the youth of today .No consideration of how people used to relate .
It isn’t rocket science .

Sheian as you say, less is more .

Sheian

You don't seem to think very highly of your daughter, and she doesn't really seem to be doing much wrong except not communicating in a way you prefer and having a life with her child you couldn't afford.

Your daughter will sense this, she grew up with you, she will sense your feelings if she hasn't directly heard your thoughts on how she parents and lives.

You have so far said you think she is spoiling her child and overcompensating for working. You can't spoil a child with time and attention and most mums need to work these days.

No one owes any family members relationships and it really is a case of, you get put what you put in. So if she isn't close to her grandfather, she just isn't

Why don't you try asking her how she is? Maybe that is what you will then get back. Maybe she is used to this type of relationship from you as you are the mother and she is the daughter. She is obviously doing things differently with her own child and maybe if you could be happy for her, it will change the dynamic between you

I don't like txting except when absolutely necessary. Nothing beats a face to face conversation, so why don't you concentrate on the times when she does meet up with you and make them special for yourself.. cut down dramatically on the txts as they appear to frustrate you.. and fill your days with activities you really like, maybe even only look at the phone once a day.. we all lived quite happily without mobiles in the past