Being bullied by kindness (bullying)

I wouldn’t exactly call it (kindness) bullying - poor chap is just misguided in his judgements. He needs to be set straight.

Unless he’s a mean SOB and doing things his way then he is is not doing you any favors. But as a SIL you should be able to talk to him - even if it means telling him he can longer come to help, because he’s not following your directions! See how that works.

There’s always your daughter, who’s married to him, as a direct channel. I would think she’d be on your side.

Right now you just have to treat it as… it’s just grass. It will grow back.
USA Gundy

Hetty58

'Helping out' is offering to help, asking exactly what to do - and checking, often, that you're doing it right.

Bullying involves a power imbalance, the stronger one ignoring or excluding the weaker victim, ruling the roost, imposing their ways - so creating a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability.

absolutely bang on correct. Time for the Op to pull up her big girl pants and put her foot down.

Thank you all for your comments. This is not the first time he has done things his way. I have told him he is not to touch my garden trees for good reason but he still says oh “that one could come down a bit “. I worry I will come home one day and they will be gone. Yes I am grateful for his help but it is a bit overpowering.

Count your blessings .
I wish that I had someone to help me .
I'm waiting for a friend to help me lift some furniture .

My back and knee are both aching from lifting some boxes yesterday .

Okay , I understand about wanting wild flowers to grow on the grass verge - just tell him politely .
A mowing will stimulate growth so don't worry -particularly as we are about to have a deluge after a hot spell .

How contradictory people are. We are always getting threads from people like this gentleman or his sister saying how their aged parent cannot manage in the house, or is doing things all wrong or needs to change this and that in their lives to make them easier etc etc.

When we get these threads the person complaining is told in no uncertain terms that while they may think that the older person should do this that and the other, if the older person continues to chooses to do things differently, that is their right and we should not take away their dignity or instrumentality over their lives..

Now when it is one of these older people complaining because a younger family member is imtruding on their autonomy, everyone seems to be jumping to defend the younger person and telling the older person to knuckle under and be grateful.

Everyone 'does things differently', it is just the way we are. MrP puts the washing out different to me, he folds towels different to me, he plates up a meal different to me.............the list is endless and I am positive we are the only couple with these 'differences'. If my DD's or SILS's were helping I have no doubt they'd all do our household/gardening tasks differently.

BUT, I would be grateful for their help AND I am of a strong enough character to say 'it's ok, that particular job doesn't need doing'!

FranA should be grateful for her SIL's help but she should also:-

1. List the jobs she wants him to do prior to his next visit keeping the list short and workable and encourage him to sit with her and have a cuppa and a chat (he is family after all). This should ensure he doesn't overdo things.

2. Not get in a flap because he's done something slightly differently to how she or her DH would do it.

3. Explain to SIL why she doesn't want something done at all.

4. Not criticise his methods or motives.

We can all get very set in our ways and see other people methods as wrong. Be kind!!!!

'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way'

Just wondering what you have said?
Have you been explicit or have you perhaps been a bit softer 'maybe it would be nice if...' kind of thing.

Can you find a few jobs you would like help with and ask him to do those? And then, whilst thanking him, tell him how kind he is and how grateful tell him you felt disempowered when he did the things you didn’t want.

I think if it's a loving relationship he will understand.

Oh - send him over here. I would love to have someone like that to help. You should treasure him, he’s worth his weight in gold !

He sounds like a kind and thoughtful man, whose enthusiasm takes over a bit, I can’t see how anyone could call him a bully.
We aren’t yet at the stage of needing help, but I imagine one of my son in laws might be like this.
But he’s kind and decent, and we love him, so if the time comes I shall just be grateful that he cares enough to help.

He has even cut the council grass outside our property. I wanted the long grass and the insect habitat.

It's not really your decision to make whether the Council area of grass should be left to grow as an insect habitat.

Part of our front belongs to the Council but we have to maintain it in a neat and tidy condition.

Better that than a SIL, who doesn't care. Many would love a son in law, who is so thoughtful.
I agree, Elder Abuse is a bit of an exaggeration.

You may have to be blunt, if he doesn't listen. Then again, you may hurt his feelings.

merlotgran

We really need more details of the so-called bullying.

It's all rather vague.

"My SIL cut my lawn when I didn't want it cut"
Elder abuse?

Really? I could tell you instances of elder abuse and that is not it.

We really need more details of the so-called bullying.

BlueBelle

You have a strange idea of bullying Hithere
He might be behaving like a bull in a china shop by not asking what you want but he thinks he’s helping so his intentions are good You just have to be clearer about what you DONT want doing and praising about the jobs that he’s really being helpful with

Agree!

I wish I had someone to help me.

But - she has talked - 'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way' (apologies for repeating). This is bordering on elder abuse of the emotional kind, believe it or not (you won't, of course).

lemsip

well for goodness sake have a chat to him! where's your daughter.

so many estrangements on here I am shocked that you say you feel bullied by someone doing a good turn!

Well, yes.

Talk!

well for goodness sake have a chat to him! where's your daughter.

so many estrangements on here I am shocked that you say you feel bullied by someone doing a good turn!

'Helping out' is offering to help, asking exactly what to do - and checking, often, that you're doing it right.

Bullying involves a power imbalance, the stronger one ignoring or excluding the weaker victim, ruling the roost, imposing their ways - so creating a feeling of helplessness and vulnerability.

Oreo

Bullying?!
It’s called helping out and it’s what families do.

👏👏👏

Just talk to him!
The grass left for wilding and attracting insects has to be cut at least once a year, anyway, after the flowers have seeded.

It's cut then left until spring when you can ask him not to cut it again as it's a wild patch.

Otherwise just pay someone.

easybee:

'H come on, it isn't bullying. Bullying is doing something with intent to hurt, and doing it repeatedly.'

No, bullying is doing anything that makes a person feel bullied, intentional or not.

FranA says:

'Nothing I say can stop him doing it his way' - and yet several replies suggest that she talks to him.

We never ask fir help apart from
Cutting one bit of hedge once a year.
After 4 or 5 reminders through the past couple of summers we have given up. Would that he were willing.
Have s quiet word with him
but I wish we had willing help especially now we are both getting older,

FranA, You say perhaps there are more examples.

Could you give us a few more?

Wish I had a son-in-law like yours - how is an act of kindness be called ‘bullying’ ?

I am with FranA. It is killing by kindness and making her feel difficult and uncomfortable.

We hear a lot about older people being given autonomy and leading the lives they want to live, not the ones other people think they ought to live and this is a classic case of just that.

Not only that this SiL is running roughshod over the OP in insisting that not only will he help her, whether she wants it or not. He will help her in his way, even though it is not what she wants.

If she speaks to him, yes he may not help at all in future, but why should the OP have to have to accept unwanted and unhelpful assistance now, just because she might need his help in the future.

I am all with FranA on this.