I find it difficult to cope with people who talk too much

I tend to tell stories and had a talk to myself about keeping quiet! I do ask others about events in their lives as I make a mental note before I meet them about what has been happening to them. Last time I met friends I put a plaster on my finger to remind me to let others talk!

Lyn246

As someone who s a better listener than talker I can empathise with anyone who finds people who talk too much annoying. But what about people who are interruptive, breaking into what someone else is saying and taking over the conversation, as happens frequently with a friend of mine!

But what about people who are interruptive, breaking into what someone else is saying...

That is also one of the problems with somebody with ADHD. It takes quite a lot of energy to remember all the rules in conversation when your brain is telling you to get the information out now! Both my son and I are blurters but we do try not to be and as soon as we realise we are doing it, we are full of apologies. Sometimes the things other people find easy are quite hard for the ND.

Maybe new rules can be set in the groups you are in. You have something to hold such as a wooden spoon, and you can only speak if you are holding the item. Just an idea.

As someone who s a better listener than talker I can empathise with anyone who finds people who talk too much annoying. But what about people who are interruptive, breaking into what someone else is saying and taking over the conversation, as happens frequently with a friend of mine!

I love good conversation where it is a two way street but for years I have listened to my oldest friend yapping on and bragging about everything. I am tired listening now and rarely talk to her at all and have become monosyllabic with her. I meet up with others and talk quite normally to them because none of us dominate the conversation. I don't like myself for this but the continual talking wears me down

Singingnutty poses an interesting question.
I met a guy, a fellow dog walker and we got into conversation. He said he had read on the net that for our health we should aim for 10 -12 daily social interactions. We bumped into each other again the next day and he had achieved 8 interactions the previous day whereas I had only manged 3.
Loulou23 quote from Harvard Business Review above is IMO very apt and made me think that if an interaction is not a 2-way conversation it doesn't count because it's of no benefit to the listener. (Talking to my dog doesn't count either!!)
I have a friend who lives with her husband and her only subjects of conversation are housework and her health which is actually good.. It's a boring monologue. I got fed up with it, decided to see her less often and for shorter times and I feel better for it.
So Singingnutty I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling somewhat irritated by peoples non-stop talking.
However I do think the pandemic changed some people in that the isolation made them more "inward" for want of a better word. Let's hope things get better.

Me too 😡

Oh gosh yes, this is something I have just experienced. I actually have been very upset about this the last few days. I had contact with the wife of a pastor who both shunned me years ago when my husband had a moral failing and I stopped attending church due to my depression. I let them know how much it hurt me and affected my life at that time to be cast aside. Rather than apologize or ask about it, this woman talked about a book she is writing, about how her calling was to help her husband (hint!), how she held on to a scripture for 40 years regarding her daughter who ran away at 14 (she told me that after 40 years, her daughter turning to drugs and spending time in prison, that the daughter is back in her life. In my mind that is a long time of suffering for this child. I suspect their rigid beliefs pushed her down that path.) From that conversation I was basically told that my husband failed because I did not take seriously the call to be his helpmate, that if I would have held on to a bible verse and waited perhaps he would have returned. Gosh maybe I too might now after 40 years be writing a book. No apology. No empathy. No interest in asking about my experience or feelings. I share my story because you are NOT ALONE. I realized years after working for these Pastors, that they were narcissists. Now that does not mean everyone who does not have good conversational and listening skills is one. But it is true that talking about oneself activates the same areas of the brain that light up when eating good food, taking drugs, and even having sex. Simply put, self-disclosure is gratifying. It gives people a neurological buzz. On the other end are people who are highly empathetic - who listen intently, who respond, who encourage, who listen and give feedback to other people during a conversation. Because when you genuinely care about what people say, they’ll probably want to reciprocate, right? Not always! Very often, many people never listen during a conversation. Instead, they’re just trying to come up with a reply. This is from an article I recently read from Harvard Business Review:

“It can be stated, with practically no qualification, that people in general do not know how to listen. They have ears that hear very well, but seldom have they acquired the necessary aural skills which would allow those ears to be used effectively for what is called listening.”
Good, respectful communication means you take turns to talk, and everyone feels heard. That is good communication. Would your group of friends do the same if it was just the two of you? If I am in a group I am usually listening and giving feedback. That is my personality. With this woman I spoke about it was just her and I. You would think it would have been a two way conversation. It was not. I was dealing with someone who needed to control. It sounds like your friends don't realize they are dominating the conversation and using the time to chit chat because it is the only time they have to be around a group of like minded ladies. Should you be irritated? It sounds like you might need more from a group conversation. If these ladies are your friends, then it might be valuable to you in another way to get together with them AND find someone or another group you can have more two way conversation. I don't think you're wrong to be irritated. The question is whether the group is worth continuing for you. For me I will never speak to the woman I mentioned again. It was draining and reopened an old wound from many years of healing from that time in my life. However I know there are people who are not that way and with that knowledge I know I can find genuine and real people with whom I can have a reciprocal and encouraging conversation with. Today they are here on Gransnet! Thank goodness. Coffee anyone?

singingnutty you have a perfect right to feel what you feel, and much damage is done to mental health by people trying not to 'feel' things! What you choose to do is a different matter, and some poor souls need listening to, others are being self-indulgent and do not. Others, like my husband, do not notice whether you're listening or not, as they drone on about boats and tractors and machines, and...

I feel the same - and think it’s getting worse as I get older - it also drives me mad when people speak very loudly dominating the whole room! Today I stopped for a coffee and read of paper in town - the two women next to me also having s coffee had a very loud conversation oblivious to everyone else in the room and oblivious to the fact that they were speaking so loudly- and braying with laughter - it was all I could do not to tell than to Shhh!!! …. Definitely getting old!!!

Whitewavemark2,

We may disagree politically, but I can see what a kind, caring woman you are. Many elderly people are alone 24/7 and need to chat to others. It helps to deal with the loneliness to talk to people. Dogs do help. Many people chat to their animals or take their dogs for a walk and chat to others doing the same. I can see that elderly people repeat themselves or talk in consequentially, but we need to be more patient.Many grans still have husbands / partners but will be more understanding when they are left alone. The loss of a loved one can be devastating. The silence can be intolerable so that the radio and audiobooks etc fill the yawning gap. Or going out for a walk to meet people!

sharon103

I have two relatives like this. One phones me every night and talks about the same things. Mainly about the covid vaccines and what it has done to people health wise. I've had enough of it. If don't answer the phone she will keep ringing until I do answer. Just recently she phoned at one o'clock in the morning!
I'm running out of excuses.
The other, I can't get a word in edgeways.
It's draining.

With avachats ( that’s what I call them ) I make out the connection is breaking up.

I don't know how people find so much to say - I often find conversation with people I don't know very well quite excruciating. There are some people I just "click" with on first meeting, and others who, no matter how long I have known them, leave me searching for something to talk about.

I do know a few people who talk about their own lives quite a lot but immediately "switch off" when I mention something in my own life. It can be quite annoying. But sometimes people who chatter on and on are quite useful when others in the group are not great conversationalists.

*Whitewave" You're so kind.

icanhandthemback

Theexwife

I wonder if it is same when writing? Some people on here write lengthy posts full of detail and comment several times on the same post, it is not a critisism just an observation.

I am not a lengthy speaker and when writing can come across as quite abrupt as I keep it as brief as possible.

Guilty!

Ditto!

Theexwife

I wonder if it is same when writing? Some people on here write lengthy posts full of detail and comment several times on the same post, it is not a critisism just an observation.

I am not a lengthy speaker and when writing can come across as quite abrupt as I keep it as brief as possible.

Guilty!

I wonder if it is same when writing? Some people on here write lengthy posts full of detail and comment several times on the same post, it is not a critisism just an observation.

I am not a lengthy speaker and when writing can come across as quite abrupt as I keep it as brief as possible.

Sometimes people talk about themselves in order to share their experience of a question asked. Personally in my opinion that's much more than someone talking about themselves. It's interesting to read these experiences and how they differ. I'd be more than interested if someone wrote war and peace about their experience if it was related to a question I'd posted. People get too ar*ey these days over every silly little thing. That's my take it on it anyway!

I am pretty chatty myself, however I am also good at getting quieter members of a group to talk. I don't mind people talking a lot, providing they are interesting. I'll admit I am not a fan of people who just drone on about themselves and their problems constantly.

I hate it when the serial yakkers talk over someone who is quiet but when they do speak they have an interesting point to make. Most of the time I am more of a listener than a talker unless I have had a glass of wine.

M0nica

I sometimes think we should form a group of neurally diverse older people on GN.

We will all have grown up at a time when these problems were not recognised and where we were either considered odd, I ceratinly was by both adults and other children, or were always in trouble for our 'failings'.

I have dyspraxia (diagnosed) as well as ADHD. This was revealed when I was seeking help for my DS when he was a child. We were referred to a private therapist, who, when I commented sometime in to DS's therapy, that I had similar problems, turned round and said 'Yes, I had noticed'. At school I was always in trouble because my handwriting was so bad and my work so messy.

There is a strong genetic element in neural diversity and my DS drew my attention to my being ADHD some decades ago when he was struggling with problems he had and both he and my DGS are both awaiting assessment.

I have dyspraxia which was diagnosed when my son was diagnosed. The same son is going for ADHD diagnosis because although the signs were there, the Ed Psych was influenced by the school who seemed to want to minimise his problems despite our private Ed Psych alerting them to a potential problem. Their attitude was that he was bright enough to read and spell. He was in fact in very percentiles for maths, reading and verbal skills. He was in the lowest percentile for writing and spacial awareness. Although he fidgeted all the time (so do I) we weren't hyperactive in that we slept reasonably well as children. We know so much more than we ever did and I hope that he can get the help he needs. Neurodiversity runs deep in our family with many of the younger members being diagnosed as ASD and ADHD but when I look at my Aunts and Uncles, they were obviously ND. We used to look at them and remark what a funny family they were not realising we were thought of as odd too!

I sometimes think we should form a group of neurally diverse older people on GN.

We will all have grown up at a time when these problems were not recognised and where we were either considered odd, I ceratinly was by both adults and other children, or were always in trouble for our 'failings'.

I have dyspraxia (diagnosed) as well as ADHD. This was revealed when I was seeking help for my DS when he was a child. We were referred to a private therapist, who, when I commented sometime in to DS's therapy, that I had similar problems, turned round and said 'Yes, I had noticed'. At school I was always in trouble because my handwriting was so bad and my work so messy.

There is a strong genetic element in neural diversity and my DS drew my attention to my being ADHD some decades ago when he was struggling with problems he had and both he and my DGS are both awaiting assessment.

Romola a late diagnosis of ADHD can be very comforting for somebody who has always felt like a square peg in a round hole or wonders why they can't manage what other people do. I haven't had a diagnosis but it is clear to everybody who knows me that I have a grasshopper brain, a mouth which blurts out without engaging brain, and many of the other traits that occur with ADHD. I can't afford a diagnosis and the NHS doesn't take on those over 60 so it is likely I will die not knowing for sure but it makes so much sense to me and I am relieved in a way as I realise I cannot help being who I am.

Thank you, M0nica and Mama2020 fo your comments about ADHD.
I've got a dear friend, we were at school together, now both widowed and in our late 70s. She has recently been diagnosed with ADHD (why, at that age?) and also she is also mildly demented. She's always been a bit of a chatterbox, but an interested and interesting person. Now, she chats away constantly, repeating herself and worrying about it, her short-term memory not so good now.
It is a bit of a strain being with her, but the friendship is important and I hate the thought that I might lose the real peson. Sometimes it's onward and downwards, so sad.

Sometimes it’s kinder to say it as it is. I tell my partner he is boring when he shows endless photos of his grandchildren and deceased pets. Things that are important in our own lives often mean little to others!

I must say I fine myself exhausted listening to people these days! They ask me a question and I get one sentence out and then find they only asked because they want to talk about the subject ,all about them!! I find I could easily not see any friends at all and be quite content. I'd love to just hang up on them! One person speaks so much I put her on loud speaker and just say mmm every now and then!!