NotSpaghetti
I don't consider it cheating- but adult children probably would. That's what I meant.
Sorry just seen your explanation ...please ignore my question above! 😏
Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢
Gransnet forums
AIBU
Adult DC potentially making me choose between them and partner
(114 Posts)Sorry for the long post
I’m a 57yo widow with 3 adult children all in their late 20’s/early 30’s, all of them have children.
My DH died 3.5 years ago, just before lockdown, from a heart attack. He was 55 and up until then, healthy - it was a huge shock for us all.
Digressing a bit - our marriage wasn’t easy when the kids were little. We both worked, but he did absolutely none of the raising of the kids. I did everything - cooking, bedtimes, cleaning, story time, school run, nativities etc. He would play dinosaurs or some fun game for 30 minutes of an evening and they thought he was the best thing ever while boring mummy was always cleaning. I used to beg him to chip in more but he refused - he was a bit of a chauvinist and I never left because, well, frankly I didn’t want the kids to be from a broken home. This is probably the story of so many women my age. I really hid, and still do hide, just how awful, lazy and unkind he could be. He was rubbish at parenting - the 30 minutes of being a dinosaur on an eveNing was usually too much for him. I did it all - the emotional and physical labour. He was tight with money, always treated himself and never me (my wages went into the many thing he didn’t realise kids cost such as sports clubs, shoes, school uniform etc). Even after I had major surgery I was still expected to pack lunches and do laundry - even when my stitches burst as a result. He just found it all very annoying that I wasn’t doing better at ‘Mumming’ even when on death’s door. He had some truly horrible moments. Anyway, it got better after the kids left home and we really found our spark again. But I would never, ever want my kids to be treated the way I was and in hindsight genre was too much I put up with.
This is relevant because they have always, but especially since his death put him - and our marriage - on a pedestal. They always talk to their partners about how me and DH were ‘couple goals’. My DD2 tells her boyfriend (who she met after DH died) that we were the perfect couple. I can only say I must have hidden our problems well for them to think that.
Anyway, I haven’t dated since his death. I’ve thrown myself into looking after my 5 grandchildren (I work PT 2 days a week and the other 3 days I have the 3 nursery aged one so my DC can save on childcare fees) which I absolutely love. I also do a lot of sleepovers so my kids can have date night. I am close to my DC and their partners, they all moved back home with me for the 1st lockdown as we’d just lost DH and we all really needed that time together. After they moved out I did feel lonelier than I thought, and have relied on friendships for company. As well as doing childcare, I help all the DC financially in various ways, including paying nursery fees for 2 DGC on days I work, DD1 gets money every month as something of an early inheritance and they’ve all had deposits/weddings etc paid for. Which I really don’t mind doing, especially as they always make the effort to see me.
Anyway, 6 months ago I ran into a man I haven’t seen in two decades. We were colleagues and really good friends. It was platonic as we were both married. We naturally drifted apart after he left the company. But running into him, there was a real spark and he has somehow got even better looking than he was. he’s been divorced a few years now and so we met up for a drink….and the rest is history.
Honestly, even for DH, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. DP is kind, attentive, generous and we have a really good laugh - and fantastic sex, something I was worried I’d never find again. I’ve been happier in these last six months than I have for a very, very long time. We have said we love each other and we both want a future. I never want to be married again but I would like to live with him at some point. He has an adult DD, who I’ve met and she is really lovely and supportive of us. I feel so lucky to find this happiness after a huge loss. I feel like I’m 20 again!
I hadn’t told my DC - which isn’t ideal. But I wanted to just enjoy my new relationship for what it was without worrying about upsetting other people or without other people’s opinions. My friends have met DP and think he’s amazing. I feel no guilt at all - had I been the one to die 3.5 years ago, DH would probably have had a new girlfriend and moved her in within six months! I also think my marriage was so, so hard and hate-filled at times that I deserve to have an easy and loving relationship.
Anyway, DP was staying over one night last week. I WFH, so does he, so on the night before my working days (ie when I don’t have the GC the next day) he will stay the night and work in my spare room the next day.
So it was 8am and we were both in our nightwear (me in an oversized shirt thing and him in boxers) having coffee in the kitchen. In walks DD1 with DGC. She’d tried to contact me to say DGC was ill and couldn’t go to nursery and would I have her. My phone was upstairs so she just brought her round (she has a key) and saw me and DP.
I knew the kids wouldn’t take it well but to say that what followed was total pandemonium would be an understatement. You’d think I’d been caught cheating. DD1 hit the roof. DP left (at my request) and DD1 called DS and DD2. Before I knew it they both came over (you’d think they’d have bloody work to do!). DS was actually crying at one point. I explained what had been happening and why I didn’t tell them. They saw it as cheating on their dad. Which is ridiculous. DD2 was completely repulsed that I was sexually active at ‘my age’. They couldn’t understand how I could do this when I’d had such a good marriage. Probably because I was being defensive and I felt they were ganging up on me, but I told them that our marriage wasn’t perfect and he could be really unpleasant actually and the only reason they don’t know that is because I protected them from it. Not a very wise move, but I just got sick of the same old ‘perfect marriage’ shite
I have no expectations of them meeting DP anytime soon, I told them that, but I was clear: this is MY life and I will love whomever I choose and what I do in the privacy of my own home is my business. I explained they all had their partners, their lives and little families but they forget that I have been lonely and could spend another 40 years on this Earth and I don’t want to do that alone.
They absolutely cannot see reason. They have thrown back in my face the fact they lived here during COVID to support me. They said it felt like I was cheating on DH. They said they can’t, and never will, accept I have a DP. They’ve said I’ve ‘suddenly decided DH was horrible’ and that my new DP must be planting this idea in my head because they’d never heard me badmouth their dad before. DS even messaged me yesterday to say he’s so against me having a new DP that he ‘doesn’t want to make me choose’ but he ‘feels it’s getting that way’ and his sisters agree. Mind you - it didn’t stop all of them dropping their kids off here for childcare this week. When they do drop them off, they barely look at me let alone speak to me. DS’s lovely wife has been great and thinks he’s being a dick (and has told him as much) but sadly it’s not enough to help him see how awful he’s being to me. I have no idea what my SIL’s think but according to DD’s they’re in agreement with them.
I do get they’re still grieving - I really do. But this is nothing to do with their dad. They have no right to make me choose or make me feel bad.
DP has been amazing through all this - he is happy to take it as slow as I want but at the same time he’s obviously feeling really disgusted with their behaviour and is defensive of me and he isn’t saying that but I can feel it.
Anyway - AIBU to refuse to give up my relationship if my DC give me an ultimatum? I feel bullied. Their dad used to bully me with manipulation sometimes and it makes me physically sick that they take after him that way. I would of course (hypothetically) be heartbroken to lose them and DGC - but I really feel like this ultimatum is calling my bluff. I really can’t see them following through for more than a couple of days - then they will need childcare/money/a favour/a lift. It seems THEIR love is conditional except all the conditions fall on me and not them. And the conditions are that they get everything from me and I forgo my right to a private life of my own.
I’m utterly heartbroken. what the hell do I do?
Hithere
Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?
Why hiding she met a new partner?
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
Why hiding she met a new partner?
Perhaps she wanted to tell them when she was ready to talk about it?
Meeting and getting to know a new partner takes time - he's not a purchase you suddenly bring home.
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
She is an adult with agency over her own life. Once children become adults themselves and leave home, they lead their own lives, as do their parents.
Remember all the advice given to grandparents when their adult children have children of their own?.. their life, their rules? Well the same principle applies... her home, her life. She doesn't have to get their permission to live it how she sees fit.
Hithere
Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?
Why hiding she met a new partner?
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
1. Presumably financing to help out if they cant afford it. IF she imposed entitled expectations as a result of the financing, THAT would be unhealthy. But the OP has said nothing that suggests she has entitled expectations as a result of paying!
2. She has explained why she did not tell them immediately! Her reasons were not unhealthy! The choice MIGHT have been the wrong one as it turns out but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Callistemon21
Maureen if I were you I'd ignore the remarks about unhealthy behaviours
It was uncalled for and very unkind.
Yes it was!!
Hithere
Adults will struggle- whether you like it or not
You cannot save your kids from that and you should let them handle that
They chose to have kids - they have to handle all aspects, financial included.
They will cope and handle it very well
Let them fly
Helping them financially is NOT stopping them flying if all are truly happy with the arrangement. We can all choose to spend our money as we wish.
* Dickens Remember all the advice given to grandparents when their adult children have children of their own?.. their life, their rules? Well the same principle her home her life. She doesn't have to get their permission to live it how she sees fit.*
Spot on!! Adukts are adults whether in the context of AC or gge context of parents of AC!
EverybodyHatesMauree
n Thank you everyone.
I think calling a family meeting might be a good idea. I will say if they want to ditch me that’s their prerogative but I am continuing my relationship, of which I have no expectations from them other than ‘don’t give me a hard time’, and I will always be there for them and the GC but I’m reclaiming a lot of my weekends.
... you can do no more than that 'Maureen'. It's a sensible and logical thing to do.
How they handle it is up to them - as adults. It might have come as a shock - a shock that you had a private life - but they should be able to get over it and understand that you are more than the sum total of mother and grandmother.
I wish you all the happiness in your new relationship. Life is hard enough as you get older, so it's good to have an understanding and reliable partner to share the ups and downs.
Madgran77
but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Perhaps the most profound observation on this so far. Well said.
Hi Maureen. I Just want to support most of what has already been said and wish you and your DP well, you deserve it.
Hope the family meeting goes well, hold your ground, it’s your life and your children have to accept you have choices as do they.
You’ve spent your adult life doing your absolute best for your children. Now they must complete their growing-up and accept that you, their mother, are a real-life woman with many years ahead of you, and as entitled as they are to enjoy life. It takes absolutely nothing away from them.
Things often don’t go the way you would ideally like them to go, and that’s another lesson for them to learn - to get over life’s knocks and shocks and move on. It’s time they all grew up.
Enjoy life and don’t waste it feeling guilty.
I think it was probably a shock for your children to realise you had a life they didn’t know about, and a gorgeous man to share it with. I hope they come to realise that you deserve to be happy and a happy mum makes for happier children. Good luck with the relationship and I hope you have lots of very happy years together.
Wishing you all happiness with your new love, EHM.
Your AC ought to be delighted for you.
But... think carefully about marriage and the financial implications.
Dickens
Madgran77
but we are ALL entitled to choose how we share our information about ourselves and our lives. That includes AC to parents AND parents to AC!!!
Perhaps the most profound observation on this so far. Well said.
Thankuou \Dickens!
I'd not call a family meeting. Your new relationship really is none of their business and could end anyway. Less said, soonest mended.
My DD met someone in about the same time frame as you OP he was open with me about the relationship from day one. I never had a problem with it why should he be alone in later life didn’t he deserve to find happiness again. My DD and his wife spent around 15 years together and they enjoyed the time they had. She cared for him as dementia gradually took him away in a personal way that would have been more difficult for me and him. I now do the same for her now she is over 90 and needing more help. She does have her own family but my DD knew I would carry on supporting her.
Thank you all for your wonderful support.
Today is a babysitting day so DD & DS brought the GC round and were as off with me as they have been the last week. I told them it has to stop, I won’t be pressured into giving up a man who makes me happy and if they didn’t like it that’s their prerogative and I can’t help what action they choose from now but I certainly won’t be swaying them either way.
Im not convinced it worked. They just looked annoyed and said “Well that’s fine then”. I’m still babysitting tomorrow so they can’t have been that wedded to the idea of disowning me.
Also - this will sound petty - i think I have been ghosted by them on WhatsApp! We have a group me DC and their DPs and theyve barely posted since they found out about my DP. They used to post daily - mainly silly memes to each other - but it’s been radio silence except for drop-off instructions. I reckon they’ve got a new one without me.
My friend suggested I should add DP to the group just to be a shit but I think they’d never speak to me again 😂
In practical terms they need you much more than you need them.
I would suggest you give them to the end of the week to get over themselves, then lay down some firm new ground rules.
They are either civil, communicative and inclusive or you impose sanctions(!).... of your choice. But they will have to grow up either way.. adults do not get to behave like this without consequences...neither to adult children! 😉.
Stay strong. You have this.
My friend suggested I should add DP to the group just to be a shit but I think they’d never speak to me again 😂
That might be a red rag to already enraged bulls 😲
EverybodyHatesMauree
n Thank you all for your wonderful support.
Today is a babysitting day so DD & DS brought the GC round and were as off with me as they have been the last week. I told them it has to stop, I won’t be pressured into giving up a man who makes me happy and if they didn’t like it that’s their prerogative and I can’t help what action they choose from now but I certainly won’t be swaying them either way.
Im not convinced it worked. They just looked annoyed and said “Well that’s fine then”. I’m still babysitting tomorrow so they can’t have been that wedded to the idea of disowning me.
Also - this will sound petty - i think I have been ghosted by them on WhatsApp! We have a group me DC and their DPs and theyve barely posted since they found out about my DP. They used to post daily - mainly silly memes to each other - but it’s been radio silence except for drop-off instructions. I reckon they’ve got a new one without me.
My friend suggested I should add DP to the group just to be a shit but I think they’d never speak to me again 😂
Tempting as it must be don't add him to the group 
I expect you're right about the new WhatsApp group. Sneaky buggers! I think I'd be tempted to say I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all this discord so won't be available for babysitting next week, I know you'll understand, and only want what's best for me. Let them squirm out of that one. What happens if you're too poorly to care for their children? Everyone gets ill sometimes, I assume they have contingency plans?
I hope your DP is not after your money. Make sure your children’s inheritance is protected.
crazyH
I hope your DP is not after your money. Make sure your children’s inheritance is protected.
What a horrible thing to say! The way the 'children' are behaving, wanting mum to live a lonely, nun-like existence for the next 30 years plus, I'd say spend every penny on yourself, leave them nowt.
why do posters keep 'quoting other posts'?
just say what you want to say for goodness sake!
lemsip
why do posters keep 'quoting other posts'?
just say what you want to say for goodness sake!
Maybe to clarify what has prompted their reply? Too often it's not clear to whom someone is replying. Have you anything to add to the conversation or did you just come on to criticise?
lemsip
why do posters keep 'quoting other posts'?
just say what you want to say for goodness sake!
Just checked back and this is your first and only contribution to this thread. I wonder what the point was? Was there even a point?
lemsip
why do posters keep 'quoting other posts'?
just say what you want to say for goodness sake!
Because they feel it is relevant.
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