Why financing childcare for their AC, financially and babysitting?
Why hiding she met a new partner?
I don't see that as healthy behaviours
Sometimes it’s just the small things that press the bruise isn’t it? 😢
Gransnet forums
AIBU
Adult DC potentially making me choose between them and partner
(114 Posts)Sorry for the long post
I’m a 57yo widow with 3 adult children all in their late 20’s/early 30’s, all of them have children.
My DH died 3.5 years ago, just before lockdown, from a heart attack. He was 55 and up until then, healthy - it was a huge shock for us all.
Digressing a bit - our marriage wasn’t easy when the kids were little. We both worked, but he did absolutely none of the raising of the kids. I did everything - cooking, bedtimes, cleaning, story time, school run, nativities etc. He would play dinosaurs or some fun game for 30 minutes of an evening and they thought he was the best thing ever while boring mummy was always cleaning. I used to beg him to chip in more but he refused - he was a bit of a chauvinist and I never left because, well, frankly I didn’t want the kids to be from a broken home. This is probably the story of so many women my age. I really hid, and still do hide, just how awful, lazy and unkind he could be. He was rubbish at parenting - the 30 minutes of being a dinosaur on an eveNing was usually too much for him. I did it all - the emotional and physical labour. He was tight with money, always treated himself and never me (my wages went into the many thing he didn’t realise kids cost such as sports clubs, shoes, school uniform etc). Even after I had major surgery I was still expected to pack lunches and do laundry - even when my stitches burst as a result. He just found it all very annoying that I wasn’t doing better at ‘Mumming’ even when on death’s door. He had some truly horrible moments. Anyway, it got better after the kids left home and we really found our spark again. But I would never, ever want my kids to be treated the way I was and in hindsight genre was too much I put up with.
This is relevant because they have always, but especially since his death put him - and our marriage - on a pedestal. They always talk to their partners about how me and DH were ‘couple goals’. My DD2 tells her boyfriend (who she met after DH died) that we were the perfect couple. I can only say I must have hidden our problems well for them to think that.
Anyway, I haven’t dated since his death. I’ve thrown myself into looking after my 5 grandchildren (I work PT 2 days a week and the other 3 days I have the 3 nursery aged one so my DC can save on childcare fees) which I absolutely love. I also do a lot of sleepovers so my kids can have date night. I am close to my DC and their partners, they all moved back home with me for the 1st lockdown as we’d just lost DH and we all really needed that time together. After they moved out I did feel lonelier than I thought, and have relied on friendships for company. As well as doing childcare, I help all the DC financially in various ways, including paying nursery fees for 2 DGC on days I work, DD1 gets money every month as something of an early inheritance and they’ve all had deposits/weddings etc paid for. Which I really don’t mind doing, especially as they always make the effort to see me.
Anyway, 6 months ago I ran into a man I haven’t seen in two decades. We were colleagues and really good friends. It was platonic as we were both married. We naturally drifted apart after he left the company. But running into him, there was a real spark and he has somehow got even better looking than he was. he’s been divorced a few years now and so we met up for a drink….and the rest is history.
Honestly, even for DH, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way. DP is kind, attentive, generous and we have a really good laugh - and fantastic sex, something I was worried I’d never find again. I’ve been happier in these last six months than I have for a very, very long time. We have said we love each other and we both want a future. I never want to be married again but I would like to live with him at some point. He has an adult DD, who I’ve met and she is really lovely and supportive of us. I feel so lucky to find this happiness after a huge loss. I feel like I’m 20 again!
I hadn’t told my DC - which isn’t ideal. But I wanted to just enjoy my new relationship for what it was without worrying about upsetting other people or without other people’s opinions. My friends have met DP and think he’s amazing. I feel no guilt at all - had I been the one to die 3.5 years ago, DH would probably have had a new girlfriend and moved her in within six months! I also think my marriage was so, so hard and hate-filled at times that I deserve to have an easy and loving relationship.
Anyway, DP was staying over one night last week. I WFH, so does he, so on the night before my working days (ie when I don’t have the GC the next day) he will stay the night and work in my spare room the next day.
So it was 8am and we were both in our nightwear (me in an oversized shirt thing and him in boxers) having coffee in the kitchen. In walks DD1 with DGC. She’d tried to contact me to say DGC was ill and couldn’t go to nursery and would I have her. My phone was upstairs so she just brought her round (she has a key) and saw me and DP.
I knew the kids wouldn’t take it well but to say that what followed was total pandemonium would be an understatement. You’d think I’d been caught cheating. DD1 hit the roof. DP left (at my request) and DD1 called DS and DD2. Before I knew it they both came over (you’d think they’d have bloody work to do!). DS was actually crying at one point. I explained what had been happening and why I didn’t tell them. They saw it as cheating on their dad. Which is ridiculous. DD2 was completely repulsed that I was sexually active at ‘my age’. They couldn’t understand how I could do this when I’d had such a good marriage. Probably because I was being defensive and I felt they were ganging up on me, but I told them that our marriage wasn’t perfect and he could be really unpleasant actually and the only reason they don’t know that is because I protected them from it. Not a very wise move, but I just got sick of the same old ‘perfect marriage’ shite
I have no expectations of them meeting DP anytime soon, I told them that, but I was clear: this is MY life and I will love whomever I choose and what I do in the privacy of my own home is my business. I explained they all had their partners, their lives and little families but they forget that I have been lonely and could spend another 40 years on this Earth and I don’t want to do that alone.
They absolutely cannot see reason. They have thrown back in my face the fact they lived here during COVID to support me. They said it felt like I was cheating on DH. They said they can’t, and never will, accept I have a DP. They’ve said I’ve ‘suddenly decided DH was horrible’ and that my new DP must be planting this idea in my head because they’d never heard me badmouth their dad before. DS even messaged me yesterday to say he’s so against me having a new DP that he ‘doesn’t want to make me choose’ but he ‘feels it’s getting that way’ and his sisters agree. Mind you - it didn’t stop all of them dropping their kids off here for childcare this week. When they do drop them off, they barely look at me let alone speak to me. DS’s lovely wife has been great and thinks he’s being a dick (and has told him as much) but sadly it’s not enough to help him see how awful he’s being to me. I have no idea what my SIL’s think but according to DD’s they’re in agreement with them.
I do get they’re still grieving - I really do. But this is nothing to do with their dad. They have no right to make me choose or make me feel bad.
DP has been amazing through all this - he is happy to take it as slow as I want but at the same time he’s obviously feeling really disgusted with their behaviour and is defensive of me and he isn’t saying that but I can feel it.
Anyway - AIBU to refuse to give up my relationship if my DC give me an ultimatum? I feel bullied. Their dad used to bully me with manipulation sometimes and it makes me physically sick that they take after him that way. I would of course (hypothetically) be heartbroken to lose them and DGC - but I really feel like this ultimatum is calling my bluff. I really can’t see them following through for more than a couple of days - then they will need childcare/money/a favour/a lift. It seems THEIR love is conditional except all the conditions fall on me and not them. And the conditions are that they get everything from me and I forgo my right to a private life of my own.
I’m utterly heartbroken. what the hell do I do?
You have done nothing wrong apart from not bolting the door. Shocked or not, your adult children need to get a grip, accept you are entitled to behave as you like and let you get on with your life. Stand firm on this. Do not allow them to dictate the terms. It will take time but fill that time with your new happiness. They will come round, how long that takes is entirely up to them. Tell them all they better start using the doorbell.
There's nothing wrong in helping one's AC out financially and/or with childcare.
Do all AC tell their parents when they've met a new potential partner?
The only unhealthy behaviour I see here is the behaviour of Maureen's AC.
some people are much more private than others, I don;t see that as unhealthy - just how different we all are
Totally agree with every single word that Fleur20 has posted and I’m wishing you every happiness in the future x
My widowed niece remarried after 10 months.
My BIL met someone after 60 odd years and she moved in. AC children happily accepted.
Hold on to your new DP!
Maureen you are a widow your aren't dead. You have decades ahead of you. Grab every bit of happiness you can with both hands. And being with a loving partner what's wrong with that .
I was widowed when I was 45 . Over the years there have been chances for relationship my children no nothing but I decided when my husband died he was my one and only. But I had a very good and happy marriage . Yes we argued but nothing about anything important and he was a hands on dad. I had been with my husband when I was 16 and he was 18 he always knew I had health problems but he didn't care he wanted me. When my health got worst when our children were 4 and 6 months his attitude was we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. He keep his word to the day he died.
I was born disabled and it was my fit healthy husband who got Cancer and died aged 47. He didn't want me to live the rest of my life alone. That is my choice.
You didn't have a happy marriage he wasn't the other half of yourself. My husband was mine and haven't been whole since. But your new partner sounds like the other half of yourself and that is a rare and precious thing. If it's true love for you both then don't let go.
The problem I see with your children is you protected them from reality but they must have be blind not to see how their dad treated you. They just don't want to admit he wasn't a good dad. Plus you are giving them money and free childcare. And that's the top and bottom of it . They don't want to lose the money or free children.
The more I read on various threads of parents giving their children money I am glad I have never been in the position to do that. My children have achieved everything on their own. Both my children always had keys to my homes but never came without checking first yo see if it was alright to come.
Unfortunately 3 years ago my son decided to cut me out of their lives. He did it via email and follow up letter. Yes it hurt but it was his choice . I knew 2 of my grandsons with him and my daughter in law but I don't know the name or date of birth of their youngest. But I decided months ago I wouldn't let him hurt me anymore . Yes I miss him but I was allowing him to hurt me by wishing for something I couldn't have.
Have a very good relationship with my daughter,son in law and 2 grandson's. If they want me to look after one or both of the boys they ask in advance. As I live an independent life.
You have the change of decades of happiness if your children won't accept it and are making you choose them it seems to me they don't love you as they should and only see you as a bank and childcare .
They are adults with families of their own time they stood on their own feet. Sounds harsh but they are worried the money and childcare will dry up.
Time to show them you are a woman first and mom second . Must admit I do envy you the sex . But I made my choice to live the rest of my life alone.
Hold on to the happiness you have with your partner . And if your children truly love you they should be happy for you like your partner's child.
It sounds like you were meant to be working and your DD turned up unannounced with a sick child for you to look after? AND let herself in?
Wow.
I am all for helping but this is a grandma with no boundaries.
I would be making some very firm ones now if I were you.
Keys to be returned
No unannounced visitors (unless life or death emergency)
And absolutely no gifts/money/childcare until they apologise.
You are entitled to your own life outside of your kids/grandkids.
Whether you decide to tell them is entirely up to you.
You are a long time dead......
Maureen should have said I was widowed in 2004 I am now 65.
So, first of all - I am absolutely not leading a double life.
Double lives are where a person has 2 secret families they go between.
I have a partner and adult children. It’s not the same.
And I haven’t actually lied to my children. Yes I’ve omitted information but they’ve never asked if I’m seeing anyone. They never ask about my life - they ask ‘are you busy at the weekend’ as a pre-cursor to asking if I can babysit. But except for DIL who asks what I’ve been up to, how’s work etc I don’t get asked about what plans I have or who with.
yes it was a horrible shock for DD to walk in on us - but I had no idea she was coming over, she let herself in. In my view, it you do that in a person’s house don’t complain about what you find. It’s my house, if I want to have coffee wearing barely anything then I will. It was their childhood home and they all still have keys, I don’t plan to take the keys off them.
Re the living together in lockdown - someone asked whose idea it was. It was a joint decision as they’d been rotating staying with me anyway and helping with things you don’t even realise you need to do when your DH dies young and out of nowhere. So it seemed to make sense we all live together and the cousins (only 3 of them at the time!) had other kids to play with. I can’t remember who instigated it.
Yes it’s not healthy to hide my new partner but I’m hoping people can understand why I did. I don’t think financing adult DC is unhealthy - life is hard and expensive and I don’t want to see them struggle. I’m very fortunate to be comfortable after DH’s death and I don’t have a great deal to spend it on.
Anyway I’ve had a chat with DP today who took me out to a lovely lunch, something we rarely get to do on a weekend as I normally babysit on any given weekend at some point. He’s very patient about this as I don’t tend to make weekend plans with him because of it. I’ve really enjoyed today and I’m going to clamp down on babysitting on weekends, I will do say every other weekend. If they can pull the ‘we will threaten to pull away from you’ nonsense then so will I. I’m not going to be petty enough to threaten to pull away financial support or weekday childcare but I am digging my heels in and letting them know I have a life for myself that I plan to live as more than Chief Babysitter
To clarify - I have said to them there is no pressure to meet DP anytime soon and I will never make them before they’re ready.
Good for you, Maureen !
I feel bad for doing my DH something of a disservice as it wasn’t always misery - we had some very happy times but he didn’t suit fatherhood. It mad him miserable, he preferred an easy life. He did love them, and he stayed and out on an act rather than left. But Had we had no kids we’d have likely had a very happy marriage. I haven’t said this to the kids and never would but it’s true.
but being with DP who is such an unbelievable gentleman, and has been more attentive in the six months we’ve been together than the 30-odd years I was with DH - it’s made me realise I deserved so much better than what he was able to give me. Better late than never
Maureen if I were you I'd ignore the remarks about unhealthy behaviours
It was uncalled for and very unkind.
So many supportive posts. Most sincerely wishing you well with DP = and hoping your children gradually realise that you are allowed to make your own decisions.
Adults will struggle- whether you like it or not
You cannot save your kids from that and you should let them handle that
They chose to have kids - they have to handle all aspects, financial included.
They will cope and handle it very well
Let them fly
Your children overreacted and perhaps it didn’t help that you suddenly told them they hadn’t had the perfect father and you the perfect husband. Give them time to give their heads a wobble but carry on as you are. GoMaureen and have a great life with your DP!
I wish you well OP, enjoy life with your new man, and do something together every other weekend.
Your Adult children have more to lose than you if they decide to dig their heels in, and interfere with your relationship in a negative way.
Thank you everyone.
I think calling a family meeting might be a good idea. I will say if they want to ditch me that’s their prerogative but I am continuing my relationship, of which I have no expectations from them other than ‘don’t give me a hard time’, and I will always be there for them and the GC but I’m reclaiming a lot of my weekends.
Maureen, I suggest you give your AC this thread to read, especially your first post which, under the circumstances, was very honest and very measured. I hope for their sakes they decide to grow up and see sense. You have every right to a full and happy life and are so, so lucky to have been given a wonderful second chance at happiness, your DP sounds like a saint but could well lose patience in the end which would be a tragedy for both of you. Revel in being happy, you have done your bit for your children and now it is your time. If they can’t see that and be happy for you then that is their problem, don’t make it yours. Make some lovely weekend plans with your fella and let your AC sort themselves, their finances and their child care out. Have fun, you deserve it.
Maureen my husband made me promise to live my life to the full. I couldn't do that until I moved here . And now I do. I love this new and improved me.
You must live your life to the full your way. Your children live theirs.
If you do call a family meeting and they gang up on you then tell them to leave . You are their mom and not a punching bag.
I hope you have a long and happy relationship with your partner. And do things that you want to do together. Time to put yourself first and if it's true love then be happy you have the chance. And enjoy every minute as none of us know how long we will live. No what ifs grab life with both hands and have a ball.
Maureen, I’m a widow too and if I wanted a partner I’d have one, regardless of what AC said. You have one life and you need to live it. My kids are always saying to me to get on with life and do things for myself. That’s what you need to do, they will get over themselves eventually when they realise they are being unrealistic.
I think it’s worth mentioning that for all his faults my DH would not have wanted me to be lonely. He did talk about these things and we both know people who’ve been widowed and martyred themselves to loneliness and we both said we wouldn’t want the other to do that
The jaw dropping nerve of these grown up offspring is unbelievable. I assume they get EHMs approval for everything they are planning on doing before they do It! If not then they have to if they expect their mother to get their approval of what she is doing. Otherwise it is called hypocrisy! And to read there are some on here actually agreeing that these adults are entitled to castigate their mother beggars belief. You’ve served your time as a mother and wife and now it’s your turn so grab happiness with your new friend and see where it goes! I’m beyond envious and know if I were in your position my kids would say go for it mum because that’s how they’ve been brought up. They live their lives and we live ours.
The truth is, you have been caught cheating.
Why is this cheating?
Smileless2012
What an awful situation to be in EHM, I'm so sorry and am also sending you a virtual hug.
Your AC are being unbelievably selfish and immature and rather than resenting this new chapter in your life, should be pleased that you have found happiness and a new love.
IMO this isn't about their grief, it's about their desire to keep everything the same because it suits them to do so. Perhaps they worry that you wont be so available to provide all the support your currently give to them and your GC.
TBH, if my son had told me he didn't want to make me choose, I'd advise him to think very carefully before issuing that ultimatum because he may not like the choice I make.
It is perhaps unfortunate that you hadn't told them about your DP before the relationship was discovered, but I suspect you anticipated a negative reaction, although not one as bad as it's turned out.
You're 57 and have many years ahead in which to enjoy your life which you are entitled to do. I hope when your AC have calmed down they'll see how childish and OTT their reaction has been.
If you give this man up and were to meet someone else in the future, I suspect the reaction from your AC would be the same. You've raised your family, lost your H their father and now it's your time to make a new life for yourself.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
I agree with every word above! Wise comment Smileless
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