Family who don’t bother

The old saying, ‘A son is a son till he takes a wife.’ is often very true.
My brother was difficult his entire life, with a chip on his shoulder, which was only made worse when he met his wife, who in spite of being welcomed into the family, and actually being quite spoiled in many ways, decided to use her power over my brother, to create a family split, which lasted until my parents’ deaths. What the two of them put our parents and us through, would fill a book with very unpleasant reading and I feel intensely bitter about it, even though my brother has now passed on himself. Sadly, my mum just gradually had to accept the situation and make the most of what she had with the rest of the family, but I know it broke her heart.
Sometimes keeping yourself right and considering your own life and feelings, is the only option and I’ve found letting go of the stress of it all, is by far the best way forward…you can only do so much giving, if others are not prepared to give a little back.

Seems to me they don’t want to be involved or are interested
In keeping in touch
There choice! So why keep pushing them into a relationship they obviously don’t want ?

I think there is heartache in a lot of families. I had it from one of my children from age 14, then from one of my grandchildren from age 14 to 22.

Wouldn't bother. Your brother may be happy but I guess he's sleepwalking to the tune of his fiancee. It happens frequently - many men surrender social responsibility, family ties and who know what else to the woman in their lives. This is probably because they think they are doing the 'right' thing. That's what my eldest son was thinking, apparently, when he sort of disappeared from me with his cold, manipulative, controlling wife. Now thankfully he's left her, and sees things very differently. Your brother may wake up, or he may be happy anyway. Very little can be done I feel, in these situations.

By constantly contacting them - and you know what the answer will be - you’re only making matters worse.

Give up on this. Your brother is an adult and has chosen this life. At least for now. You don’t know what the future holds.

Also tell mother that you will no longer pursue this. If you’re doing this to soothe her, you’ve tried. Now you’re done.

Send birthday, Christmas cards if you wish but do not write pleading sentiments. The more you do the further away you’re pushing him.

Sometimes silence is the answer - you don’t want to burn the very last bridge. He knows where to find you if his circumstances change.
USA Gundy

You've done your best Beth.
It's not what you want but if it were me I would give up trying.
For whatever reason there might be for not wanting to be involved in family, I think you have to accept it.
Just send birthday and Christmas cards with a little note to say you think of them and hope they are all well and that they are welcome anytime.
Sometimes people keep problems to themselves.
People with anxiety and depression just want to be left alone.
Some have controlling partners.
Just keep it simple.

My son got into a relationship with what seemed a lovely woman and she was when she was at my house and pregnant with my granddaughter. Then he moved in with with and that’s when it changed. He hardly visited if he did she was always on phone. Me and his brother had to book an appointment to visit. She would time him leaving work you get the picture. I noticed he was losing weight and he popped into work one day to see me and I said to him you will always have a bed at my house until my last breath. He said I’m fine but we knew he wasn’t few days later he came home with what he could carry. That’s when I saw bruises. Both my sons were taught not to lift your hands to women. We never expected to be the other way. She was a control freak. In the process of him leaving we lost contact with my granddaughter. That was 7yrs ago he’s getting married in July next year. She is definitely nothing like his ex. I’d say don’t lose touch with your brother if he replies or not he still knows you are there. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

i tried for around 5 years to 'connect' with a difficult family member,was it worth it? no, would i do it again ,no.It is not normal behaviour on their part, give up, if they want to come round let them if thy don't leave them alone.

If they are busy and do not realize, that is no excuse. They are plain rude, thoughtless and self-centred. We English used to pride ourselves on our good manners. Has that all gone the North American way, by the wayside now, I wonder?

Your brother is a grown adult doing as he wishes. Leave him be.

I was saddened to hear your story. It tugged at my heart strings. It reminded me of a similar even more serious situation I too have, living here in Toronto (I am English, from Yorkshire). I am Nana to 2 lovely granddaughters, who get along with me and my eldest daughter (who lives with me) extremely well. We have not seen our 'girls' in a year now. It started a few years back, even before pandemic. My youngest daughter, their mum, is just 'so busy.' We used to spend every Christmas together - the past 4 never! Being "too busy", I have to tell you is not an excuse or a polite answer. My daughter never returns calls, and now she never calls. I believe their household environment is just disorganized. It was always like 'chaos' at their house whenever we did get to visit or attend functions. What really hurts about this neglect, is that my daughter was always on the phone, keeping us up to date on what is happening. She would call and talk for hours. Then, we realized it was always when hubby was not home. One day I came to realize this and it was whenever she had a problem and needed to talk to me. When we were all living together, the 3 of us, this daughter was always in my pocket and always did things with me. I believe some people just cannot be loyal to more than one person at a time, but there is more to it I am sure. They obviously do not do family life so well. Theirs is always a chaotic household and noisy. She never grew up this way. They need to think about the children, my grandchildren. I have only seen Zoe once since she was 10 and she will be 13 on October 20th. My son-in-law is a systems engineer. He earns more money than some physicians. He is mostly working from home but does get to travel. The 2 of them have travelled the world since they met. Too many of the young people have more money than sense now. We used to living in a kind of pecking order, a cycle of life experience before, where the next generation would profit from the hard work of their elders, their ancestors and they needed to work their way up. That's all gone, in this materialistic world. Sorry, I get quite emotional on this topic. Btw, I still work and have been a mover and shaker myself. But I always remember family. I am very patient and perhaps even too tolerant sometimes. This is a sad situation when your family is are influenced deeply by their home environment and cannot take time to remember their kith and kind. We don't have another family here now, or other relatives to back up on the problem. If we did, I would encourage them to all tackle this issue with us, together; go and meet with the ones who ignoring them. Kind regards to you all.

Just keep in touch periodically,so he knows you care as he is not actually married maybe it won’t last for ever or they may just be very busy & happy doing their own thing——-if they work full time & have hobbies at the weekends time flies by,also usually women make the social arrangements & if she has decided to avoid family due to her experiences that’s what’s happening.

I don’t see my sons and grandchildren a lot. I had shoulder surgery and one son only came to me once in 3 months, he never asked if I needed anything at all. What is wrong with them.

Seems a shame the you g cousins don’t connect, maybe they’re too young.
What about hand written letter from your youngsters to theirs may encourage cousins to connect.

Families are odd thngs.
My daughter - I'm lucky to see once or twice a year
My son, calls in, or texts practically every day, even when I tell him not to worry as I know he and his partner are busy people.
She's equally caring and very kind. A lovely couple.

Some families for whatever reason don't have a need to be in the family fold your brother and partner may be one of those. It's probably not anything to do with you and I wouldn't concern my self about it.
My husbands sister and family are like that but from time to time they will ring and have a chat and nothings changed.
Just get on with your life and don't worry.

They are not married, only engaged, have a child together. Will you be upset if you or your mother are not invited to the wedding? That will give you a huge insight into your brother's view of his relationship with your family. He doesn't make any effort to keep contact, yes, he may have a controlling fiancé but he can leave, no marriage to undo if he wasn't prepared to put up with the situation. Seems the old adage of you can pick your friends but not your relations applies. Leave him to his life.

Just because they don’t want to socialise with the family that doesn’t mean that your brother or his family are unhappy. Lots of people like to keep theirselves to theirselves, nothing wrong with that , sometimes it’s better to be independent as they are .
Leave them alone , how they conduct their lives is really none of your business. Just accept that your brother obviously thinks differently to yourself.

My husband’s brother rarely answers emails and we meet every 10-15 years if we are lucky. The last time we met we said it was probably our last visit to the uk. He didn’t even invite us to his home but met us in a cafe for an hour. They have never had a fight , he is just uninterested in us and totally apathetic. I don’t care but it hurts my husband that he is like this. If we ask after our nephews he doesn’t answer though we have found that they are both successful Oxford graduates and one is married - through internet connections. We have just come to accept it over the years, they obviously have no family feelings whatsoever .

Another one saying just leave it be. The partner may be just overwhelmed - or bored - by a large and close family. Your brother may be no longer interested in it, especially if family get togethers are more about the family than the individual, which can be oppressive.