Dancing partners

Why don't you volunteer to be a practice dance partner with one of the single men? See how that goes down.

Good one Scat.

When people question the OP's relationship with her OH by suggesting that she doesn't trust him, etc, they are not understanding that some women don't have that supreme confidence in themselves that allows them to have that trust.

I do - now. But there was a time when I didn't and would certainly have felt sidelined, as the OP is obviously feeling.

She suggested they join the beginners' class as a couple - to practise - and out of the blue her OH rushes off to volunteer himself and is now, it seems, partnered with another woman on a permanent basis.

And she's had it made clear to her by her OH and the teacher that she's a 'spare part'!

Confident as I am, I think I'd be miffed too.

I think a lot of us are unconfident when we first marry, in middle age, we gain confidence, we have been with our partners for a number of years and know we can trust them and that they do not take any notice of what other women are up to, call it familiarity, trust, or anything else.
If you have worked in a job that was mainly women you see and hear what they are up to. I know it takes two to make a partnership but some women set out to get a certain man. I worked with someone who was not happy unless she was in an affair and she set out to get the ones she wanted, the men were lambs to the slaughter.
When we get older and look at ourselves that confidence we had between 30 and fifty and then menaposel goes.
Husbands often look younger than wives, they are silver foxes, and we are the drab old lady who needs highlights and to lose some weight. We shouldn't feel like that but we do.
Thats when we become aware of situations that might arise. Why do attractive divorces and widows often find theselves left out of their social circle especially if they are still slim?
I would be defending my stand and insist on being there.

Sounds like the Curse of Strictly is making its way down to amateur levels.

Bella23

It takes two to tango, is she permanently going to be the other half? I'd be suspicious as well. I'm not blaming your husband I just think some men are not aware of what conniving women can get up to.

So it would be the ‘conniving’ woman’s fault for tempting the poor innocent husband?

I agree with you .
Your class was something that you did together as a couple - now you are left without a partner .
I certainly would say something .

FoghornLeghorn

Bella23

It takes two to tango, is she permanently going to be the other half? I'd be suspicious as well. I'm not blaming your husband I just think some men are not aware of what conniving women can get up to.

So it would be the ‘conniving’ woman’s fault for tempting the poor innocent husband?

I think in some cases it is and could name at least 3 whom I have known,2 actually went back to their wifes and one is in our extended family.
I also think the reverse is true and innocent women fall for Mr Nice who set out to catch them.

Dickens

From what you've written, it seems like your husband thought he'd be 'helping out' dancing with different women each week - not being partnered with one particular woman. And you thought it was an opportunity for you both to practise? So the wires are crossed immediately.

Judging by his reaction when you got out your dancing shoes, and that of the teacher - you were not expected to be there!

If it were me, I'd want him to clarify (a) why he didn't view this as an opportunity for you both to practise, and (b) if he intends to continue to partner this woman for the next year.

I wouldn't really be very happy with this situation either. But I wouldn't tag along as a 'spare' dance partner. I'd find another interest / hobby group of my own in addition and bugger off to that each week. If he's happy to exclude you - you can do the same. Although I realise this is 'game-playing' to some extent, but it's rather inconsiderate and hurtful that he just waltzes up and offers his 'services' without talking it through with you first.

Of course, there's always the possibility that he won't be happy to be partnered with this particular woman - especially if he thought he was going to dance with a variety of them!

I agree with Dickens.

Are you sure you have the right end of the stick? I used to go to dance classes (as did my husband - actually to different classes). They used more experienced and proficient dancers to support the teacher. So the experienced dancers would dance with many different partners. Personally I wouldn’t have a problem with that, but I suppose it depends on how much you trust your husband and whether he has ever given you reason not to. Hope you get it sorted out.

Hmmm! I too would be miffed, I think your Dh should have made it clear that he wanted to help out just the once. If that’s what he was offering, just for the first class, I can see where you alig99 are coming from, you didn’t expect this to happen and to find yourself on your ownsome when you have been dancing with your husband for 8 years and it’s obviously something you enjoy!

alig99 The fact that you are uncomfortable with this is a good reason for your husband not to do it. End of!

Is his eye not on the partners he'll have but on impressing the teacher

I will only say....
Look at all the Strictly Come Dancing contestants who 'fall' for their professional partners.

My husband and I also dance regularly.
I wouldn’t have an issue with him dancing with someone else if I didn’t want to dance but in your circumstances I’d be spitting bricks!

talk about rejection, being pushed out,sounds like you are being treated as second best.Get to the place and dance whoever it is with,also help out like your partner is doing.

No way, regular close contact with another woman is not bound to cause trouble - real or imaginary. Do you trust him?, all men are very easily seduced, wether the liaison lasts doesn’t matter the damage will have been done.

Why don't you take up another hobby where your husband will not go with you? And forbid him to go dancing with another woman. You will both be unhappy. Might be start of a new life!

Uschi

alig99 The fact that you are uncomfortable with this is a good reason for your husband not to do it. End of!

I agree!!

Hi I am a dancer and there is some sound and some not so sound advice here.
So you are both accomplished dancers after 8 years. Neither of you need to go to a beginners class. It sounds as though your husband rushed into offering his services to beginners. He didn't explain it properly to you. He wasn't clear of the expectations of his role. Your choices are: to go ( not to practice as you are already accomplished ) but to also offer your services to support other dancers. OR you stick with the advanced classes you and your husband attend. In Ballroom its not uncommon to allocate a helper to a lone woman attending but i know that i might prefer it NOT to be the same woman every week. I guess it depends on whether there are spare males and my guess is there aren't. ( which again might make you redundant as a helper or you will have to dance with another woman!!. So do you let your husband get on with the classes and leave him to it, do you join as a supporter . Do you accept that the advanced classes are for the two of you.Do you insist your husband isn't a supporter because you feel some jealousy ( unfounded or not ) . How would he react ? It doesn't feel like a threat to your relationship- but i can't feel what you feel .. The decisions are all yours to make with some adult and unemotional conversations to be had !!

I don’t dance, but I don’t get why, with 8 year’s experience, you would decide as a couple to go to a beginners class, unless you were prepared to demonstrate steps to new dancers, maybe partnering different ones.

But that is not what seems to be happening. If it were me, those are the terms I would accept, not a different arrangement that excludes me. A clear conversation is needed.

I do not like it. Not because of the close bodies and such like, but because you are both involved in dancing, and you already dance as a couple. Now, if your hobby was fencing, or bowling, and your husband went to dancing alone... that would have been different. This is a breach of trust. Have you asked him why he assumed you would not partner him?

I agree with Cabbie21. You are not happy with what’s happening. You were hoping for another evening of your husbands company; it’s not turning out that way. You are upset. Explain that and ask him to please change what he is doing and choose an activity with you, not apart from you. Your suggestion was to include him. Not to exclude you. Explain that.

Mamma66

Are you sure you have the right end of the stick? I used to go to dance classes (as did my husband - actually to different classes). They used more experienced and proficient dancers to support the teacher. So the experienced dancers would dance with many different partners. Personally I wouldn’t have a problem with that, but I suppose it depends on how much you trust your husband and whether he has ever given you reason not to. Hope you get it sorted out.

So the experienced dancers would dance with many different partners.

If you re-read the OP - he's not going to be dancing with many different partners - it appears he's been partnered with a woman on a permanent basis.

The OP probably wouldn't mind otherwise.

But given it was her suggestion they practise together, and she's now effectively been made 'redundant' at those sessions - sidelined, I think she has every reason to be annoyed.

I trust my OH implicitly, but I'd still not like it, not like the fact that I'd become persona non grata - or a spare-part destined to dance with other women because there were not enough men around, whilst my husband waltzed around with his new partner.

I know that it isn't unusual for them to be short of men at dancing classes as so many women on their own go to try to make friends.
It isn't acceptable to me for you to be left to dance with someone else, always assuming that there were any spare men left. If there were spare men they should be dancing with the spare woman who has grabbed your husband.
If I were you I'd take your husband to another dance class where you can dance together.