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Dancing partners

(75 Posts)
alig99 Wed 15-Nov-23 09:45:06

Good morning, a little background first. My husband and I started learning to dance together 8 years ago. We are now of a reasonable standard. I know I am lucky to have a male partner, if you don’t, you either have be be prepared to dance with a woman or learn the male steps.

Last week our dance teacher said he was starting a new beginners class very close to our home and I suggested to my husband that we go to practice. Next thing is know he rushes off to speak to dance teacher muttering about helping at the class.

Sunday I get a text from our dance teacher asking if my husband was still willing to help out. He replied yes. Monday evening comes and my husband is surprised that I get out my dance shoes and that I am going with him. I reminded him it was me who suggested that we go to the class to practice. Get to the venue and dance teacher surprised to see me. Dance teacher introduces my husband to a new dancer as her new partner. It clearly appears to me that I won’t be practicing anything unless on my own. I went home.
I later spoke to my husband and said you do know that you will be going dancing every week for at least the next year with this woman. My husband says no, no, it’s a one off. I replied I don’t think our dance teacher thinks that, he thinks you are going to dance with this new woman every week. My husband has not clarified with the dance teacher this yet, but I did with another teacher.

I am not happy. I won’t be getting the practice. And despite what will be denied my husband will be building a relationship with another woman, bodies touching, getting to know one another, all this is necessary in dancing if you want to dance properly. My husband thinks this is all okay (and so it seems our dance teacher).

Am I be unreasonable not to want my husband to do this? Of course I realise the other woman will be without a dance partner. But all to often in my opinion one thing can lead to another no matter how people try not to let anything happen.

Cadenza123 Wed 15-Nov-23 09:53:28

You do have a point. This is something that you do together. I think that you need to stand your ground.

Aldom Wed 15-Nov-23 09:57:12

I agree with Cadenza but it occurred to me that perhaps you should also volunteer your services as a helper at the dance classes. It would be interesting to see what your husband makes of the idea. grin

Elegran Wed 15-Nov-23 10:08:54

You must ask the instructor how he thinks YOU will make any progress - or even dance at all - without your partner? When your husband rushed over to offer his services, did this occur to either of them?

As an experienced pair , you could be very useful in demonstrating the steps. As a spare woman you will be standing around like a spare * at a wedding. Put your foot down with a firm hand. You joined this class as a COUPLE.

Elegran Wed 15-Nov-23 10:11:07

Sorry, I assumed that husband was being a willing helper at the original class. Did he think he would be helping without you at the new class? Disabuse him of that idea PDQ.

AmberSpyglass Wed 15-Nov-23 10:11:46

It sounds to me like he wanted/expected to be partnered with another woman and that’s why he was surprised to see you joining him.

eazybee Wed 15-Nov-23 10:19:46

I took it that this class for beginners was in addition to the one you attend regularly, and that you had been asked to help out. Your husband is clearly anxious to do this; if you feel you can't trust him then go along and be prepared to share your expertise with other beginners in need of a partner, male or female.
This will provide extra practice for you, showing someone else the steps.

henetha Wed 15-Nov-23 10:21:34

I'd be very uncomfortable with this. Sounds fishy to me.

Sparklefizz Wed 15-Nov-23 10:23:15

Stand your ground. Dancing is something you've been doing as a couple and should continue that way. Your husband needs to stop now before he establishes a connection with this new woman.

Theexwife Wed 15-Nov-23 11:06:47

If it is about the dancing then you could go alone to the original class, you may have to partner a female.

If it is about you not trusting your husband then that is a bigger problem.

Sparklefizz Wed 15-Nov-23 11:48:51

I think you're wrong Thexwife. OP's husband is not treating her with any respect.

Dickens Wed 15-Nov-23 11:49:53

From what you've written, it seems like your husband thought he'd be 'helping out' dancing with different women each week - not being partnered with one particular woman. And you thought it was an opportunity for you both to practise? So the wires are crossed immediately.

Judging by his reaction when you got out your dancing shoes, and that of the teacher - you were not expected to be there!

If it were me, I'd want him to clarify (a) why he didn't view this as an opportunity for you both to practise, and (b) if he intends to continue to partner this woman for the next year.

I wouldn't really be very happy with this situation either. But I wouldn't tag along as a 'spare' dance partner. I'd find another interest / hobby group of my own in addition and bugger off to that each week. If he's happy to exclude you - you can do the same. Although I realise this is 'game-playing' to some extent, but it's rather inconsiderate and hurtful that he just waltzes up and offers his 'services' without talking it through with you first.

Of course, there's always the possibility that he won't be happy to be partnered with this particular woman - especially if he thought he was going to dance with a variety of them!

Fleur20 Wed 15-Nov-23 15:44:02

Perhaps point out that you joined the dance class as a couple... if he wants to attend as a single man you will find a solicitor who will be happy to arrange that for him...

sodapop Wed 15-Nov-23 17:11:01

Doesn't sound as if you have a lot of trust in your husband alig99

NotSpaghetti Wed 15-Nov-23 17:18:33

I don't think there's any need to make a fuss. It was a misunderstanding and you are still doing the other class with him.

Tell him you'd like to go too and see what he says.
If he's being "passed around" you can still have a "turn"!

If it's a "partnering" I'd do something else.

CanadianGran Wed 15-Nov-23 18:31:57

Are you both paying for dance lessons, and going to the original classes? Also is your husband helping for free or being paid as an instructor?

Patsy70 Wed 15-Nov-23 18:57:22

No, you are certainly not being unreasonable, alig99. I’d discuss it first with your husband, to see exactly what he expected by ‘helping out’, if he is being paid, if he is dancing with different partners or just the one, whether you are included in ‘the arrangement’. Personally, if he was happy to go ahead, without you being included, then I’d find another dance partner at a different class. Also, I would definitely not wish to just ‘tag along’.

BlueBelle Wed 15-Nov-23 18:59:32

Well it’s very disappointing if you were doing this as a hobby together and yes it would make me uncomfortable to be the spare part whilst your husband has a new weekly partner
I don’t see too much wrong if he was just there as an extra male to dance with various new comers as an introduction but if he’s been given a new partner for a term, a year or whatever leaving you on your own I think that’s totally unreasonable and actually disrespectful of the tutor and your husband to expect it
I wouldn’t worry about the body touching bit and him getting close to the woman after all he hasn’t instigated it or seems to be expecting it he just seems a bit naive

I d tell him you consider it disrespectful of the teacher to initiate this and you don’t expect him to continue with it
If he does then you have a bit if a problem and will need to think again about the venue the teacher and your husband

vampirequeen Wed 15-Nov-23 19:00:34

I don't see the problem tbh. Your husband and this lady will be doing the vertical not the horizontal tango. Why are you and he still having lessons after 8 years? Are you competition dancers?

Why don't you find some social dances in your area and go to them as a couple?

Bella23 Wed 15-Nov-23 19:32:49

It takes two to tango, is she permanently going to be the other half? I'd be suspicious as well. I'm not blaming your husband I just think some men are not aware of what conniving women can get up to.

BlueBelle Wed 15-Nov-23 19:42:38

Well it’s not the other woman’s fault Bella the dancing tutor has arranged it all

Shelflife Wed 15-Nov-23 20:23:04

I think the dance teacher should have had more sense!! Why didn't he arrange for you and your husband to work together to demonstrate dance steps and help couples perfect their dancing ie help with teaching. This may well have involved you both dancing with other people in order to
help people progress. That situation is far preferable to your DH partnering a women on a regular basis and expecting you to stay away. Tell your DH NO and explain it makes you feel uncomfortable , if he won't budge find your self a new dance partner elsewhere but do not hang around like a spare part.

vampirequeen Thu 16-Nov-23 06:14:40

Do you have reasons to doubt your husband?

My husband is a dancer. I can dance but not to his level. He has an official dance partner plus lots of ladies who like to dance with him. He often goes dancing without me when I don't want to or feel well enough to go. It does us both good. He gets to dance which is a passion of his and I get to do whatever I want to do.

Mollygo Thu 16-Nov-23 08:58:08

Last week our dance teacher said he was starting a new beginners class very close to our home and I suggested to my husband that we go to practice.
I do understand that you thought you were going to get more practice as a couple.
I don’t understand why you and your husband would go to a beginners class when you are as you put it, already of a reasonable standard.

Bella23 Thu 16-Nov-23 09:24:11


Well it’s not the other woman’s fault Bella the dancing tutor has arranged it all

Isn't it the other womans fault? How do you know what she has asked the teacher? Maybe that she could partners alig 99 husband. If I wanted to dance with my own husband I would make it clear and if he still persisted in dancing with the woman I would offer to make the coffees or something and accompany him to see what was going on.
I am speaking from experience of a not too unsimilar situatio.It would be different if he was dancing with a variety of women including his own wife now and again.