Totally exhausted from babysitting GC

I think the point is that most parents want to help their children out with child care but are now expected to deal with young babies and long hours. Most young mothers have to go back to work too soon and the cost of childcare is prohibitive. That does not excuse the entitled attitude of young parents who seem to bear a grudge against their parents for 'having it easy': (no university fees, loans and cheaper housing) and therefore feel that parents owe it to them to help out. Coupled with the attitude that allows them to lay down rules about childrearing without the slightest experience. and the absolute right to treat the mores of their parents' generation with contempt.
Boundaries definitely need to be drawn, but there is always the threat of estrangment used as the ultimate weapon.

I have a word for people like those who tell us on GN how much they do Dcba
I call it competitive martyrdom.

We all like to feel useful but some of us like others to know just how big our sacrifices are.

Ditto!

Why do so many of the ‘grandparent’ age women readers think it’s a privilege to become part time carers for their infant and school age grandchildren? Undoubtedly it’s a privilege to be a grandmother …..but why do so many cross that line and then become ‘poor me’ doormats for their grown up children to be taken advantage of? The end result is the ever growing moaning, groaning ‘I’m exhausted’ posts that reach out to this site!
I suppose it’s good to have an outlet to be able to vent when you’re close to breaking point, frustrated and miserable etc., but it’s a subject that keeps coming up so often on this site - and it’s getting a bit repetitive because the advice is always the same……explained in twenty different way …….but still the same advice ……RESPECT YOURSELF AND LEARN TO SAY NO,

I agree with the other comments about explaining to your children how much childcare you can offer. Ive looked after my grandchildren 4 days a week for the last 7 years. My son and daughter in law's 2 children from the age of 7 months. My daughter and son in law's 3 children from the age of 7 months. Two days a week for 2 grandchildren and 2 days a week for three grandchildren. They are now all at school so I now do the school runs 4 days a week. I explained at the start that I didn't want payment but I would like to feel appreciated . They always say thank you at the end of each day. I get presents, taken out for a meal, for a few years they contributed to my fuel costs. Im never taken for granted, thankfully.

Looking after children is a very responsible job. I think it is very reasonable to tell the parents that you are finding it too tiring. And as others have said , set boundaries. Let them know what you feel you are reasonably able and want to do. I feel for you, as I know I couldn't cope with that workload!

I too have looked after all of my grandchildren. Firstly the eldest in my 40s, then my two little toddler grandsons in my 50s, which was incredibly hard work, although they were adorable. It wasn't appreciated, just expected. I was paid (a lot less than the going rate) but I think that made it worse bc I then became an employee and more was expected of me. I was still helping out up to a few months ago (in my 60s) but ended up with severe stress, through overdoing it and am still paying the price as I am on antidepressants, worn out, and having to make sure I don't overstretch myself. I don't regret looking after my wonderful grandchildren one bit, but wish it had been appreciated 😔

I am sorry but, as has already been said many times, they are only treating you like this because you are allowing it, and only you can change the situation. You know, in your heart of hearts, what needs to be done to resolve the issue, but only you can do it! Good luck xxx

I’m 75 and reading this out to my 75 year old husband. He suggests booking a long cruise. With your bf. It’s your life honey, and your years are being stolen by ungrateful AC. My hb has 4 grandchildren from his first marriage (he’s a widower) and I have 2. All aged between 3 and 16. All children have gone to nursery, where they absolutely thrived. We did occasionally mind them, sometimes a sleepover, one at a time (more than one is a nightmare) Our grandchildren adore us, and our times together are precious and fun and we never regret not minding them more! You need to let your AC know it’s too much.

Sometimes 'No' is easier said than done.
I started having my granddaughter to stay at my house from when she was sleeping through the night, which was 6 weeks old. It started as 1 night, then 2, then 3, taking her back on a Monday morning before I went to work.
I do believe that (some of) this generation believe they have a god given right to everything you have including your time. They believe you have no life and are at their beck and call. This is my experience of my three adult children - and we say 'Adult' children, but when faced with 'No' they throw a childish tantrum.
If I ever did things like, god forbid, have my own life, I would be told I wouldnt see the grandchildren again.
As it happens, my daughter checked out of being a parent and my granddaughter now lives with her father so I barely see her aanyway. And my son who has three children is in the middle of a custody battle with his ex and we arent allowed to see them at the moment.
So on the one hand, I would dearly love to spend time with my grandchildren, but on the other hand, I will never ever be a doormat again.
Your children are very lucky to have you. Your grandchildren are very lucky to have you. However, you need to have your life to and they need to respect that.
Sometimes I wonder why our adult children dont look at us and think 'Geez Mum's getting older maybe she should slow down and maybe I should start paying someone for the free childcare she is giving to us'
We also forget that 'No' is a complete sentence and doesnt need an explanation.

Girl!! You need to set boundaries!

I'm so glad you have a holiday booked and something good to look forward to. Sounds like you really need and deserve it. I live a couple of hundred miles from my single parent daughter and she has no other relatives nearby. So she can onlywork part time. This means there is no spare cash for socialising or babysitters. The GC are adorable and extremely lively. How I would love to live nearby to help and support her. She is always exhausted and never get an opportunity for a night out even if she could afford it.
I'm sure many young parents are in the same boat. Its time for your daughter and her husband to wise up to realise how much you should be appreciated. Time for you to wise up and be a bit selfish too, for the benefit of everyone. Take care, enjoy your holiday, and your relationship with your partner. And most of all be guilt free

I would just tell DD that you're finding it too physically taxing to watch LO as often as you are. Explain the issues with getting LO to sleep and that you're struggling trying to do it all on your own at your age. I would say that, as much as you love spending time with your grandchildren, you also have your own life and need more balance. If you make it all about your struggle with this situation, it's obvious that it's not personal.

I agree with all that has been said previously. You need to think carefully what childcare you can give, remembering to build time in for yourself, then have a serious discussion with your DD and SIL. Make time for it, invite them for a cup of tea/glass of wine so that they know you have given it thought and you are serious. Write your childcare offerings down so that it is clear in your own mind (you could always offer a written list so that they can fit their commitments to it.) You should not have to justify anything except to say you are finding it too much. Could you perhaps invite them to look at this thread?

This is going to sound incredibly hard. I told my dd, when she has children, they are not my children and do not expect me to be your childcare.
I choose when and if I provide childcare. Obviously, there have been quite a few crisis points and I've had to pick it up. I tend to take one at a time for a sleep over. I do on special occasions take the 3 of them overnight. I also take them all on a break in the spring. That's my limit.
It is exhausting, I honestly do not know how you manage. I certainly would not have them dictating when I see my partner either.
Get these lines in place and make them rigid.

I was lucky enough to be able to stay at my DS and DDIL’s to look after my DGCs during the nursery summer holiday closure and when needed elsewhere. I absolutely loved every minute and feel very blessed to have done so however once they were older I had to stop because I literally couldn’t keep up with them after developing serious heart problems.
By then they were able to arrange things with their friends.
My experience is vastly different from the expectations that some ACs have; taking the proverbial comes to mind.

You need to fess up and stop letting them walk all over you!

They won't realise you've taken on too much they'll think you love it , grateful ,etc,nothing will change unless you speak up

I absolutely understand you! I love my GC to bits and love having them with me but I still want to do things for myself. So sometimes DH and I plan a couple of days away and then announce this well in time to our DS and DIL We are never away on a wednesday because we know they don't have another solution for our GS (and we love to have him every week) but date-nights etc. are for us not a reason to stay home. They know this and plan well in advance.

There's a word called NO - and good, clear communication about exactly how many hours, which days etc. is vital, too. Yes, I do believe our children think we're just sitting here, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the chance to babysit.

Damdee

If you behave like a doormat you will get trodden all over - sorry, but it's true. Talk to them - lay down some ground rules!

This
I adore
My DGS but I have him on my terms

I really empathise. Hard to change the child care whilst they are working without notice so they can sort childcare but you absolutely should not do the babysitting for the parents to socialise. Our grandchildren are with us very very often. I love them but it is very tiring. Gradually set some boundaries.

The family members should have a go doing what you do. Serms like another case of AC assuming parents will basically take over childminding enabling them to live as normal. There's being a GP and being a doormat. You need to have quite a discussion with AC to get them to accept their responsibilities as parents. You have your own life to live.

Only just seen this and not read all the advice already given, so this may already have been suggested.
I would encourage your AC to share their childcare amongst themselves. Tell them you’ve realised it’s too much for you to have them overnight, offer to sit at their homes (but only if it’s easier for you).
Tell them your recent bout of illness is partially result of being over tired and, if you dare, that they upset you.
I know, only too well, stating your upset can backfire as if you are not allowed feelings!
Good luck and enjoy your holiday.

Cannot believe how much childcare you manage to do on top of a job and a partner. As others have said you need to talk to the parents quietly and calmly and just tell them it's all too much for you and you're going to have to cut down on the childcare permanently. You need to have worked out beforehand exactly what you are willing/able to do and not relent. Easy to say I know and much more difficult to do. As your partner hasn't met the GC's yet I'm wondering if this is a newish relationship and your AC's might blame this for your decision to do less childcare, just a point to maybe be wary of?