Totally exhausted from babysitting GC

I have mentioned this before on here. There was no chance of any help from my immediate family. I chose not to have children because I thought my life would be over. My husband persuaded me to change my mind aged 37.. Best decision ever. My son enhanced my life and continues to do so in his thirties. I ran a business from home and employed au pairs and a junior nanny. Why don’t AC do that these days?

I feel for you EHM. It can be very difficult not to help but equally to feel you have some life of your own.
My DD2 is a single parent. She works 4 days a week. DGS2 is 5 and just started school. We take and pick him up 1 day a week - feed him, do homework then home, and take him the next day so she can start early and finish early to collect him as we collect his cousins in a different town that day - take DGD to swimming and DGS1 to football.
DGS2 goes to breakfast club and after school club on the other days but the bus DD2 relies on to get home is useless - often late, delays with heavy traffic and now a single decker so I now collect DGS2 on 2 other days a week, take him home, start his tea and do homework. Every 2nd week we collect DGS1 and DGD at lunchtime on a Friday, give them lunch then supervise (often one or 2 friends as well as they are in and out each others houses) till DD1 gets home from work.
It's not as hard as when they were babies but takes up such a lot of time. I wouldn't have it any other way but retirement is not relaxing. We are 67 and 68 and DH has had a stroke. It feels like this is all we do. I know eventually they will not require as much supervision but sometimes I wish we could do other things together.

I feel it's important to not find excuses (sore ankle, menopause etc) that can be explained away or "treated".
Be straight and say "I feel this is too much and I'm exhausted".

Don't forget, even more babies may come along!

Tell them you "feel" too exhausted and that you want to give them time to find alternatives- but from Christmas you won't be doing this anymore.

Stick to your guns. As others have said, you are loved and they will understand and adapt. They can do it. They are adults now.
Do not put it off
The longer you leave it the less time they have to arrange an alternative.

Hope it is soon resolved.

You’re feeling bitter now and taken for granted. Now is the time to be open about how you feel. Otherwise you‘ll fall out with your daughter, and if that happens, you might not see your grandchildren. Little ones are exhausting, you should enjoy them, but not expect to care for them during the week and at weekends. Once babies arrive, social lives are a luxury — they should accept that.

Hi Maureen ,
Much as you love your children and grandchildren -
you are being taken advantage of .
Time to say , I can't do all this babysitting and childcare .
I'm tired and I need a life of my own .

EHM - you must be straight with them. You might need to brace yourself. I had to do this a few years ago, when my youngest son’s little boy was roughly 2 years old. I was asked to help out because d.I.l. wanted to go back to work. Bearing in mind, I was working part-time, sharing school runs for my daughter’s children, I had no qualms about declining. I said I would do occasional baby-sitting if they wanted to go out for an evening etc but I drew the line at that. I felt no guilt, because my son is a high earning professional and could have well afforded to paid babysitter or Nanny, if it came to that. It was an awkward conversation, but no harm was done as far as our relationship was concerned. I still do a bit of babysitting now and then.
So just be straight and everything will work out.

You work, care for the grandchildren in the week and weekends but have a relationship which you seem to have no time for given all you do.
This is your time, at least keep weekends free to enjoy the company of your oh. If not now, when?

Aren’t there other grandparents that could share the load especially at the weekend?

I’m surprised your partner puts up with this and I’m not surprised they don’t want him having anything to do with your grandchildren as they want you all to themselves doing the free childcare.
Time for a New Year’s resolution- decide what you really want to do and give them all plenty of notice so they can make alternative arrangements.

Don’t be guilt tripped in changing your mind either.

They are cheeky beyond belief and certainly don’t do ANY weekends on a regular basis!

I think it’s terrible how ACs put on their parents. My late SIL did so much for her adult daughters kids and even when she was very poorly with heart problems she expected her to take and collect her kids from 2 different schools, make them some tea and amuse them while she went to work. She had to take her husband to help in the end. She told me she was so exhausted that when they got home at 6.30 she went straight to bed, too tired even to have some dinner. It was twice a week but far too much for her.

EHM lay your cards on the table! If they love you they will understand.

Just re read your post and see that you also work - how on earth do you do it? When I was in my mid fifties I worked full time in education and I used to be exhausted by Thursday evening and literally had to drag myself through Friday (luckily I wasn't class based and could spend most of Friday doing paperwork). No way could I have cared for babies or toddlers as well as working. You could say that if they wish you to continue with as many hours then you will have to cut back on your paid work which you cannot afford to do.

You must be absolutely exhausted. I am older than you (nearly 64) and have my 15 month old grandchild (and their dog) one day a fortnight. That will be one day a week as of January. That is plenty for me as they arrive just after 7.30am and are picked up around 5.15pm (usually I don't get up till after 8am and find getting up at 7am a struggle). On the odd occasion I have had the toddler and the dog for three days in a row and was in bed at 8am on the third night. I know it would help my son and dil if I had them more but I have a part time job which I love and my house isn't really that child friendly. If you carry on taking on so much childcare responsibility you will end up very stressed and resentful. Have a quiet word and say you are struggling (say it is the menopause if you feel you need an excuse- you don't need an excuse really) and that you can carry on till 1 Jan but then you will have to cut back on the amount of support you can give. Say you can manage once a week and the occasional evening if they have something special on eg anniversary but no more.
Also it is unfair that your time with your partner is also being affected. You have your own life to lead. It is lovely you have found someone after losing your husband and you deserve to be happy not exhausted and frazzled.
Good luck.

This- all of the above. I am just indcredibly amazed that some ACs these days expect all this- and not a word of thanks, flowers, treats, etc, in return.

If you can cope with the status quo until the New Year, and talk to them in the next week or so, that is plenty of notice.
It is quite reasonable to split childcare between nursery or other providers and you.

I was going to say just this - but only "up till Christmas".
Plenty of warning and then make sure you offer less than you think you can do. They will always be pleased then if you manage an extra day but won't be pushing you beyond what you want.

Just say NO.
Difficult but they will recover!

This sounds as though you have a new relationship and you truly deserve to enjoy it.. if you care about him I would make that your priority and decide together how much time you can spare for babysitting. This is your time, you have brought up your children and now you should have time for yourself.. They'll probably object but stand your ground and have a great time..

If you've got to the point of working out in your mind how much your services would cost them, resentment has well and truly set in and you're well past your limit. Just decide how much you want to do and tell them
No doubt they will sulk for a bit as you've stepped out of your 'always available' role. Let them.
People only treat us as we allow them to. It's actually not their fault if you seem to be quite happy with the situation. It's your responsibility to speak up and look after your own needs first.

AGAA4

Look after yourself first and only fit in childcare that doesn't tire you out and stop you having your own life.
ACs need to understand that they have total responsibility for their children and grandparents shouldn't be relied on to give childcare unless they want to and are able to.

This!

Look after yourself first and only fit in childcare that doesn't tire you out and stop you having your own life.
ACs need to understand that they have total responsibility for their children and grandparents shouldn't be relied on to give childcare unless they want to and are able to.

People will treat you the way you let them and to be fair they do not know it is too much for you. Give them notice, a week is enough, just say it is too much for you now. It is so much better having grandchildren when you want to not because you have to.

I dealt with this when I was a Health Visitor. It was sad to hear such stories, but in the end, not only you, but your DGCs will suffer.
Your age is irrelevant - how you feel is what's important. If you don't tackle this now, it will build, and something will happen that may cause all of you grief.
So give them notice - maybe in writing - maybe by saying you need to meet them quietly for an hour or two to talk things over. In advance, think carefully about what you can offer. Work out how many hours, how many kids, what days etc. Make it clear that you will step in for an emergency.
If you can cope with the status quo until the New Year, and talk to them in the next week or so, that is plenty of notice.
It is quite reasonable to split childcare between nursery or other providers and you.

You can explain that you are not blaming them for not noticing, as you have always tried your best, but now it has to be done differently. Of course they will be upset for a bit - you don't say how tight money is - but carrying on like this serves no-one in the long run.

I can't believe you have let this happen EHM you must have seen it coming.
I realise it's nice to be needed but not to exhaustion point!
You are now resenting these AC and that shouldn't be the case.
As for not wanting your new DP to meet the DGC! What a cheek.
They are taking you for an unpaid nanny and that is not fair.
What did you do for childcare when your DC were small?
I expect you took care of them yourself.
The only consolation is that they will start nursery and school eventually but you need to extract yourself before then. Why aren't you working? Find yourself a paid job and it will be much easier I guarantee.

I agree with what has already been said, they are taking advantage of you and yes they think they can continue their pre baby social activities because of you, wearing yourself out.
Just say No.

The mere fact that the name you have chosen is Everybodyhatesmaureen says it all. They don't but you are scared they will.

Ss others have said if lie down across an open door everyone will wipe their feet on you - and this is what is happenin.

What you have got to do is sit down work out how much child care you can give, and then tell your children very firmly how much you can do, no ifs, no buts.

Make it clear that that includes regular as well as 'one-offs' so your children will need to learn how to budget child care as they do money - If gran does a day and half baby sitting this week, perhaps she will do Saturday evening as well, or, we cannot go out partying on Saturday, we need 2 days childcare this week.

It will be a shock to your children, they will no doubt throw a tantrum, get angry and do all the other things they usually do when you look unwilling to do anything for them, but stick to it. Come back to GN and we will build you up and back you up every time.

But the answer to your problem lies in your hands You have to be prepared to stand up to your children and say NO when they make unreasonable demands.

No wonder you're exhausted, just reading your posts wore me out.

You need to have a think about what is manageable and then tell your AC what help you're able to provide. Perhaps if your AC weren't against your partner even seeing the children, and you were able to have some help, you wouldn't be so exhausted.

Maybe that's something they should think about.

I remember looking after my gs a while back and my son really thought he was giving me gold. My day job as a nursery teacher didn’t help.

Too many AC are of the opinion that by landing their offspring on GPs they are doing them a favour!!!!!!! I think not , it is the other way round. You do more than enough childcare!
Tell them it is too much , their child their responsibility. Life changes when children arrive and it's their job to accommodate those chances. SIL having a well deserved rest while you have their child - for goodness sake!!
Of course you love your family and are happy to help but if you feel they are taking advantage of you they probably are!