Returning to shift work after retirement

whatamIdoinghere Rtired people are not restricted to going away at weekends, but family will probably still be working, grandchildren will be at school during the week, not to mention that many big events you may want to visit are weekends only.

After 30 years of being alone when he was doing shift work you must have been looking forward to seeing more of him. I don't think that working both nights at the weekend is reasonable, as others have said, what happens if you would like go away at the weekend or go and see friends?

Have you thought about the health implications of doing shift work? Given the choice I would not chose to work shifts in later life.

My DH not only worked shifts but for 6 years he was away for weeks at a time with very little notice, police force too. Once retired he found jobs very easily not involving shift work. Had he taken shifts I would have been livid having felt I had done my stint of managing on my own. Are your Saturdays and Sundays usually busy or are they pretty stay at home mostly? If busy then you will be missing out. I certainly would be saying something. If usually spent at home then not quite so bad but for me it is a definite he is being selfish. Tell him to search elsewhere for something to occupy himself.

Saturday and Sunday should be the same as any other day once you're retired but that's just not the case, the wknds still seem to be special and so many events, visits etc are made on a wknd when more people are available.
With hindsight perhaps this should have been discussed more before DH accepted the job but that's beside the point now. You are obviously upset by this and imo that's reasonable. Is there no chance DH could change his days to weekdays? Maybe after establishing himself as a good employee for a few months this might be investigated? Maybe you could broach this idea with him and just say how much better it would make you feel?

He's probably just forgotten you had a problem with it, he could have done with being reminded when he first mentioned going back to work. Would have saved him the embarrassment of chucking it in when he's just started. However if you're not comfortable with him being out overnight then it could end up causing problems in the way you get on together which would be sad at this stage of your marriage.

I totally agree with Casdon. You must get your own life that's not so dependent on him 24/7. Work on your fear of loneliness when he's not there, as one day he might not be !

Could it be the cost of living crisis we're all hearing about?
No one want to scrimp

My Dad retired about 3 or 4 times and went back to work. Used to working all his adult life, I guess he just couldnt not work. Maybe your husband feels the same.
Ultimately it is his decision - its hard because on the one hand you want to do things together and on the other hand you want him to be happy with his choices.
As some have said.. maybe try to be more independant and do things for you.

shift work is bad for anyone especially over 50.He's had a lifetime of being in an institution, very tough for some folk to give it up.Why not tell he to turn round at 30 years of what really is an awful job and say hello to an easier life?

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

Surely if your both retired the week days and nights are still free for you to do things together. When retired I guess weekends are not that precious any more as you have weekday freedom.

I guess he’s cashing in on the overtime payments on top of a policemen’s pension this will go towards some great holidays and suchlike. I’m supposing he’s young and needs to work at something still.

I think you are so cross with him that you have not thought this through. Take some deep breaths and think rationally. The job could re-invigorate your husband who might be finding retirement a bit boring. You sound as if you require rather a lot of attention, reading back through your post. How can you turn this perceived negative into a positive? He would probably be really proud of you if you found something interesting to do when he is not available and you would both have interesting things to talk to each other about. Many ladies reading this column are terribly lonely and would give anything to have their husbands back with them. So what am I saying? Be grateful for what you have. Enjoy the time you have with your husband. You are making it all about you and your feelings. Treat what is left of your lives as an adventure and give thanks for each other every day.

nipsmum

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

... gosh, that's not very nice - diagnosing the OP as needy.

An ex-policeman can make good money, but it will probably be doing police-type work, which may not fit into a 9-5 schedule.
Anyway, aren't older people reluctant to go out in the evenings anyway? We've found there's little point in scheduling evening performances now, the mature audience only want to come to matinees. Enjoy the afternoons he ISN'T working!

ExaltedWombat

An ex-policeman can make good money, but it will probably be doing police-type work, which may not fit into a 9-5 schedule.
Anyway, aren't older people reluctant to go out in the evenings anyway? We've found there's little point in scheduling evening performances now, the mature audience only want to come to matinees. Enjoy the afternoons he ISN'T working!

I absolutely love your name...

Always look on the bright side of life!

Have you got fixed hours OP where your weekends are your only days off, or are you retired too?

This would be the major factor for me.

If you’re working all the hours in the week and weekends are the only time to reconnect with your DH then yes, it’s a bit shocking he’s taken the graveyard shifts.

If you’re also retired or never worked outside the home, then I think you could adapt and use your time at the weekends to develop your own interests and friend group without having to factor in your DH.
It’s a great opportunity to do what you want to do.

If you’re really struggling with loneliness and misery, then maybe you need to put your eggs into more than one basket ie your DH as the solution for that.

What’s your social life like?
Have you unresolved issues that some cognitive behavioural therapy might be useful for.

It’s not usual for someone to be so codependent that they’re miserable and lonely without just one person.

Think ahead and build resilience. You might not be aware but quite often husbands die before their wives and being resilient and happy within yourself can have huge benefits going forward.

Embrace change and use this opportunity to future proof your own sense of self and happiness.

I work bank work so can choose when I am available for work. I try to work just one or two days per week because I want to spend more time with DH.
I have always struggled with feeling lonely when DH was working throughout 30 years of shift work and that loneliness disappeared when he retired. I found it really hard when I realised that the cause of the loneliness that I'd suffered from for so many years was the shift work. I'm now in the position where I'm feeling that way again and it's hard to accept after being free from that for 3 years.

I would love not to be bothered about him working night shifts at the weekend; it would make things easier all around but it does bother me. I'm sorry if "miserable and lonely" seems like an overreaction to you.
I also sleep very poorly when DH is not there so being tired just makes everything harder to cope with. Again this is something I have struggled with for 30 years before this new job.

Thank you for your supportive comments

We've been together since we were at school and he is my best friend.

All those years of DH working shifts have shown me that, at weekends, other people are busy with their own partners and families and don't really have time for people outside their families, which is as it should be.

I want to spend time with DH, is that really so bad? It would be easier for me if I wasn't bothered about spending time with him but I'm kind of glad that I do still want to spend time with him after 40 years together.

I have undertaken many hours of CBT already due to an abusive childhood and am in a pretty good place right now.

Taking up new hobbies and interests is good but how many of these run just at the weekend?

And yes if DH dies before me I do worry how I will cope but hopefully that will be a while off.

Just a thought, Nanny2859, but as you say you can choose when you are available to do bank work, can you do it at night on the nights your DH works - or is it just available during the day?
Of course, you might not want to work nights, which I can understand, but if you are OK doing so, this might be a solution. (I’m assuming nursing when you say you do bank work).

nipsmum

Have you always been this needy? Is it something that has got worse as you have got older.? A husband working night duties is not unusual. Lots of people are managing with partners who work odd hours. Is there a reason you don't.

Thank you so much for such supportive comments!! I've coped with 30 years of shift work. The last 3 years since DH retired have shown me how much happier I am when I am not spending evenings, nights and weekends on my own. If I don't want to feel this way again I'm sorry if that makes me "needy".

Ziplok

Just a thought, Nanny2859, but as you say you can choose when you are available to do bank work, can you do it at night on the nights your DH works - or is it just available during the day?
Of course, you might not want to work nights, which I can understand, but if you are OK doing so, this might be a solution. (I’m assuming nursing when you say you do bank work).

My job is only day shifts and I'm trying to get more shifts on a Sunday to see if that's better but it depends if my work needs me on those days. It's not nursing, it's in a call centre.

I don't think I'd cope with working nights due to already suffering from constant tiredness but it's a good idea otherwise.

Juicylucy

Surely if your both retired the week days and nights are still free for you to do things together. When retired I guess weekends are not that precious any more as you have weekday freedom.

We babysit DGC for a couple of days each week