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AIBU

Christmas stocking has to be from Santa

(61 Posts)
mclaysmith Sun 31-Dec-23 17:46:50

My son and DIL found out I was planning to give my almost two year old granddaughter a stocking when she visited my house after Christmas. My son told me they come and get the stuff I’d bought for it, and I said it was for my house. There was no further discussion. All went well on Christmas night, at their house, as they refused to have dinner at ours.
Friday was my Christmas dinner. DIL seemed unfriendly, but she’s pregnant, so…. After dinner we opened presents, and I asked my son to open his, and his daughter’s stocking. He sat at the end of the sofa, and put the stockings on the floor. Then, one by one, the toddler’s stocking gifts appeared with no connection to me and my generosity.
They had come with an agenda, it seems. They don’t want her to know that a stocking doesn’t come from Santa. He could have taken me aside, and I’d have put the gifts in a bag so she could have something from me.
I am devastated that they would treat me like this. My husband was supposed to be with us, but was taken to ICU the day before. They also attacked my daughter for helping me decorate the stocking with wee one’s name.
I could get over the stocking, but not how I’ve been treated. I don’t recognize my son anymore.

RosiesMaw Mon 01-Jan-24 05:47:54

mclaysmith

Also, wow! Telling me that I should admit I made a mistake, and apologize, when they’re the ones who turned on me for trying to do something nice. Give your heads a shake!

Oh dear
You posted under AIBU

Yes YABU

M0nica Mon 01-Jan-24 09:42:11

Parents decide on how their children receive presents at Christmas - and nobody else. Grandparents have no rights to determine anything about their grandchildren's up bringing whether on minor items like this or much larger ones.

So much family friction would be saved, if grandparents remembered this.

Your son wants is children to think that their Christmas stocking came from Santa. I suspect that this is the rule in the majority of households. Any presents from you should be wrapped up, labelled and added to the pile of other similar presnets to be unwrapped when your son and wife decide.

I do appreciate that this must have been a difficult and worrying time for you this Christmas, with your Dh so ill. I do hope he is now beginning a good recovery, and this may have made you more on edge and inclined to see insult where none was intended.

But at the end of the day, you expectations of what was going to happen over you GS's presents, was unreasonable and you persistently ignored everything your DS said to you and continued to try and impose on him and his child how you wanted presents should be given.

Just remember in future and happier times that every contact with your grandchild is with his parents consent and under any conditions they impose. In 99.9% of cases this happens without it even being discussed and everyone is happy. Now and again, however some grandparents try to assume rights they do not have and this was your mistake. Have a happier new year and wonderfulr elationship with yur son and grandson.

Juliet27 Mon 01-Jan-24 09:57:22

My plan, as it had been with my parents, was for stocking gifts to be from Santa and other presents were given and labelled from family and friends. However, my mother in law would fill a pillowcase with presents and say Santa had visited their house too. Not the way I liked it but I didn’t dare argue!

Juliet27 Mon 01-Jan-24 10:02:09

Forgive me if I’m seeming pedantic M0nica, I’m not meaning to be but I noticed in your last sentence that the letter ‘r’ was separated leaving the word as elationship. What a wonderful new word…I’m sure we could use it at times 😀

BlueBelle Mon 01-Jan-24 10:04:32

Also, wow! Telling me that I should admit I made a mistake, and apologize, when they’re the ones who turned on me for trying to do something nice. Give your heads a shake

But it is you that have made a big mistake and you still don't see it !
I hope it’s just temporary because you’re upset over your husbands health but somehow I don’t think it is,I can foresee trouble ahead
She needs the magic of Santa keeping for at least about 6 or more years not gratitude to her grandmother that ll hopefully come when she’s older
Do it the parents way maybe you feel you were blindsided this time (I d have asked before hand about the distribution and gone with what I was told) but you definitely know for next year

woodenspoon Mon 01-Jan-24 10:10:49

My grandson is 2. He doesn’t understand properly about Santa yet. He had a small sack from mum and dad (Santa) and presents from both sets of grandparents. He lives overseas. Does he know or understand the difference? Does he heck. We buy what my daughter and SIL suggest, it anrrives at their home, they wrap it and that way nobody gets upset.
My grandson doesn’t know or understand who his presents are from and so long as he has a happy day that is all that matters!

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 01-Jan-24 10:33:14

Spot on, MOnica and BlueBelle. I still can’t get past the reference to your ‘generosity’ OP. The joy is in the giving isn’t it? Seeing the recipient’s pleasure? If the parents say stockings are only from Santa, how hard is it to obey that simple rule? You really have made this all about you and how you want to do things. No more stockings for anyone, ok?

Callistemon21 Mon 01-Jan-24 11:21:51

BlueBelle

Whoops posted too soon sorry
Then, one by one, the toddler’s stocking gifts appeared with no connection to me and my generosity that sounds pretty petty don’t you want her to believe in Santa at least for a few years obviously her parents do, so you will be wise to go along with it .
After dinner we opened presents, and I asked my son to open his, and his daughter’s stocking so obviously left the daughter in law out ohhh you are stocking up trouble here
I m truly sorry about your husband and hope that s the reason you were overreacting but I don’t really think this bodes well for you Your son is no longer your child he’s a fully grown man and wants his child’s Christmas to be done his way not yours Be wise and do it their way next Christmas if you want a good time and a good relationship

After dinner we opened presents, and I asked my son to open his, and his daughter’s stocking so obviously left the daughter in law out ohhh you are stocking up trouble here

I think I've sussed this.

Son still believed in Santa and is devastated to find out it's his Mum who's been filling his Santa stocking for the past 30 or so years. That's why he's so upset. 😥

I don’t recognize my son anymore
Could I recommend Specsavers?

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 01-Jan-24 11:38:35

Your son is a different person now OP - a father.

Doodledog Mon 01-Jan-24 11:58:51

BlueBelle

*Also, wow! Telling me that I should admit I made a mistake, and apologize, when they’re the ones who turned on me for trying to do something nice. Give your heads a shake*

But it is you that have made a big mistake and you still don't see it !
I hope it’s just temporary because you’re upset over your husbands health but somehow I don’t think it is,I can foresee trouble ahead
She needs the magic of Santa keeping for at least about 6 or more years not gratitude to her grandmother that ll hopefully come when she’s older
Do it the parents way maybe you feel you were blindsided this time (I d have asked before hand about the distribution and gone with what I was told) but you definitely know for next year

BlueBelle is right. And your aggressive attitude is not going to do you any favours with this.

If you don't want Santa to get the gratitude you're seeking, you can easily opt out by buying a small gift for him to put in the stocking, and giving your granddaughter more for her birthday, or at any other time of year.

How easy would it have been for your son to tell you that they want to make their own traditions for Christmas? I don't want to be unkind, but looking at your posts here, I suspect he will have realised that he would have a fight on his hands, so chose to say nothing - perhaps out of respect for the situation with your husband.

nightowl Mon 01-Jan-24 12:00:30

I think the responses have actually been kindly given, but the OP doesn’t want to listen. I’m afraid you have already upset your dil mclaysmith, (‘DIL seemed unfriendly’). Perhaps because you had ignored their wishes about the stocking? And because she was left out of the tradition, so not really feeling a part of the family? Your son is clearly supporting her, which is just as it should be.

You are the only one who stands to lose out here; you can hang on to your sense of grievance and injustice but it will get you nowhere, or you can accept that things have changed and you are no longer the centre of your adult children’s lives. As for grandchildren, you have no rights whatsoever.

I sincerely hope your husband’s condition will improve and you will have a happier 2024.

Fishwife Mon 01-Jan-24 12:19:36

I feel sorry that your husband is in ICU and that your son has deprived you of a large part of your enjoyment of this Xmas. You are having a tough time and preparing for grandchild’s gifts must have given you pleasure. If you want the pleasure of giving/connecting next Christmas I”m afraid you will have to fit in with son’s family. Every family has their own traditions and it’s good that you have a daughter to follow yours.

Oldnproud Mon 01-Jan-24 12:20:13

I think someone already asked this, so apologies if I have missed the answer, but did you actually give both your son and GD stockings, but not give one to your dil?
If so, I think your dil will be upset about far more than you realize, because even assuming that you gave her a very nice gift, she would still almost certainly feel sidelined by being left out of your stocking-giving.

Sara1954 Mon 01-Jan-24 12:23:24

So sorry about your husband, it must be a huge worry for you.
But when they are little it doesn’t matter who buys what, it makes no difference at all to the child, our older grandchildren obviously know what we buy them, but for the little ones it’s all from Father Christmas.
I buy them presents because I love them and I want them to be happy, not because I expect their thanks, plenty of time for that when they’re older.

rafichagran Mon 01-Jan-24 12:27:59

I think this could have all been avoided if the OP son had told her when they had the discussion that the stocking was from Santa. OP could then have put the gifts in a bag.

I think the son and DIL could have been more understanding given the situation with the husband/Dad.

I do get fed up with people expecting Grandparents to be perfect, I never got it right all the time but my adult children did not behave like some on here.

I feel the son and DIL was petty here, and they not only caused upset for the Mother but the sister as well. I think it was just bad communication and the son is as responsible. He could have been more understanding given the stress his Mother is under.

March Mon 01-Jan-24 12:30:42

Does it really matter? I plan for Christmas all year, I buy through the year, budget, save, wrap, then faff with Elves for the whole of December, sort Christmas eve boxes etc
I get zero thanks, Santa and Buddy the elf get it all, their faces lighting up and the magic they feel is what it's all about, It's about them not us.

And did you do your son, GD a stocking and leave your DIL out?

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 01-Jan-24 12:57:43

As the OP has not denied it, I think she gave her son a stocking but not her daughter in law. Bad manners and guaranteed to alienate the daughter in law (and probably the son).

Nightsky2 Mon 01-Jan-24 12:59:49

I’m very sorry that your DH is in hospital. I hope he recovers soon and is back home with you.

Next Christmas will be a much better one as you’ll have two gorgeous DGC to buy presents for. Just let the parents do the stockings and be guided by your son on how they like to do things. Life’s too short…….Happy New Year 🌹

annodomini Mon 01-Jan-24 13:50:41

I've never put my GCs' presents in a stocking and I always handed them over to them personally. Why did you give your gifts to your son to give to the little girl? You were there, you could have put them in a box or bag. Seems to me that you and your son share a stubborn streak! My DGD had me, my son and DiL to brunch on Christmas morning, by which time, DGGD, 18 months, had been given her big presents and a stocking. We were able to give her our gifts one by one, individually, and she had a fine time organising them.
Having said all that: I do hope that your husband is making good progress. You must have been frantic with worry and didn't need conflict over such a trivial matter.

M0nica Mon 01-Jan-24 14:17:17

juliet27 I have written a number of times about the problems I have with both typing - and proof reading as the result of having dyspraxia.

rafichagran Mon 01-Jan-24 14:37:16

Mistakes were made here, but from both sides. The stocking for Santa does not bother me as she did say she would have put it in the bag if she had known. I do feel it was wrong to give the son a stocking and not the DIL, but I can honestly say something like that would not bother my son and daughters partners.
I honestly feel the adults should be grown up here, the Mother with a quadriplegic sick husband in hospital deserves a bit of understanding.
I buy my son and Grandson their football shirts in August for Christmas but do not buy anything for the partners or spend the same amount. They honestly are not bothered. I think posters have been harsh here and their is wrong on both sides.

Juliet27 Mon 01-Jan-24 14:49:03

I hadn’t picked up on that Monica and that seemed to be a spacing problem, not down to you…but apart from that it created a great word 😀

nandad Mon 01-Jan-24 15:19:53

Juliet27

I hadn’t picked up on that Monica and that seemed to be a spacing problem, not down to you…but apart from that it created a great word 😀

I got it and I think elationship is a great word!

Norah Mon 01-Jan-24 15:26:11

The GC's parent you raised will advise you what to do. Our daughters certainly have no difficulty voicing their desires. Just listen and follow.

nexus63 Mon 01-Jan-24 15:27:25

we could not see granny on christmas day as my sil was a minister so she was busy and they stayed together, we went on boxing day and gran wanted a stocking, we explained it by saying santa got home and found some small things at the bottom of his sack so delivered them to granny's house as our stocking had been put away but all the other presents were from granny and auntie. we got away with this till he was five and told me he knew santa was not real but i was not to worry as he would not tell gran incase she did not know. talk to your son and dil about it, this is a small and silly thing to get upset about, you are going to have another gc soon, so don't make it difficult to spend time with them at christmas, the parents decide the rules about there child. i hope you dh is well and hope soon.