To ask my son for a refund?

She says in her OP BlueBelle that her son "admitted that they'd expected (her) to go out every day, all day (for 6 hours)" not what I'd call a hint.

Biglouis we don’t know that Jack was told so starkly to be out all day maybe it was hinted that perhaps she’d like to go out more and her take (understandable because she was hurt that things hadn’t gone right) took it as ‘good grief they want me out the house for 6 hours every day’

Everyone is taking about her ‘daughter in law’ but she isnt she is a NEW heavily pregnant PARTNER they may have only been together 8/9 months

The OP's son' partner hadn't had the baby Bonnybanko, she was pregnant.

This made me think of B & B's years ago biglouis when you had to be out by a certain time in the morning for the entire day.

Requesting refund will fan the flames and make a difficult situation far far worse.

Gosh I wouldn’t have thanked anyone for staying with me after I just had a baby it’s really so not on and I wouldn’t ask for money from my adult children whether they have it or not silly Billy tread carefully

Hosting someone for three weeks is too long. However suddenly telling someone you have invited that you expect them to vacate the house for 6 hours a day (or stay elsewhere) is very rude and thoughtless.

It puts me in mind of those dreadful old fashioned boarding houses from when I was a girl. You were expected to be out of the house all day regardless of the weather. One year when I was 15 I was crippled with period pains and absolutely refused to go out. I went back to bed. My parents were embarrassed. But what was the boarding house owner going to do? Drag me out of bed in my nightie? Looking back it was a bizarre system and Im glad I rebelled against it.

Oh yes. So true! About being able to relax with your own mum but MiL just not the same
The in-laws arrived the day DS3 was born at home. She came bearing gifts -
A fabulous picnic lunch with champagne. They shared it with us in the garden and then LEFT😂

Our first DGS was born in London. DS and DDiL lived in a one room flat.
We drove from Scotland to Penrith, spent the night in a hotel and bought day return train tickets to London. There was just time to meet the baby, have some lunch and even go for a walk . About 4 hours. Perfect!

Our NZ DGS was brought to meet us ages 3 months and we saw him aged 10months in NZ. Luckily my DDiL is very laid back

I wonder what the conversation was before you were invited to visit. My gut says that your son assured his very pregnant gf something along the lines of, “Mom will be busy, going out to see the sights, she won’t be hanging around all day…”

That would explain why there was an assumption of you not being there all day on her part.

I suspect there was some mismatched expectations and miscommunication mixed in.

I find overnight company hard on a normal day. Put me heavily pregnant, hosting a stranger, who doesn’t leave the house for three weeks? There’s no way I could’ve managed.

That still isn’t saying you did anything wrong. Just that something somewhere in the planning went awry.

It’s a sad case but exactly what happens when both sides don’t think it through, the DILs mother might have been more acceptable although that’s not always the case. The old saying “relatives are good in small doses” is a good guide, they can always beg you to stay longer.
I definitely would not have wanted MIL for long, mum was OK in small doses, stay a couple of hours then leave please. I enjoyed motherhood, you’re tired so you sleep when baby sleeps, you eat when baby feeds, housework gets left, that’s not compatable with visitors.

I think you need to prioritise now on keeping/maintaining a good relationship with your dil and son
Preferably from a distance for a while!

Unfortunately, some things do go wrong in life, through not particularly anyones' fault.

As others say, no to asking for a refund.

I think you need to prioritise now on keeping/maintaining a good relationship with your dil and son.

Agree with what you say BlueBelle. However short of money I was I would just accept air ticket you purchased has gone.Leave them be. You can't afford to visit, perhaps they will come over and see you and family. It must be heartbreaking, there is an excellent forum just opened on here for people whose children live abroad.,

I think that’s the very point I was going to make jaki
It’s very different if it’s your daughter who’s heavily pregnant they usually want their mums around but not so much not their in laws
ALSO
very important this young lady isn’t a daughter in law she is not married to your son and it’s a NEW partnership according to original post to meet his new (heavily pregnant) partner so three weeks with a stranger in your house, a husband out at work, and a big heavy tummy, tired legs and raging hormones would scream ‘please leave me alone, and go out for a walk’

We’re in Australia now with my daughter and family. We were invited for the births of both our grandchildren here. We offered to stay in a nearby hotel but they insisted we stay with them. The biggest red flag for me is that this is your son. It’s very different if it’s your daughter and you’re there at her request. I can fully understand how your situation evolved and suspect your visit was desired for your son and his partner agreed under sufferance, but if they aren’t able to share with you their issue then it’s not going anywhere and you’ll have to take the hit of the air ticket. My heart goes out to you it is so painful and hurtful. I’m so sorry but the clock can’t be turned back if they can’t help you build a bridge for the future.

I think the couple should have told you before you went about not wanting you around in the day, for that is what they meant. I wouldn't like anyone round me 24/7 as I would find it suffocating but it's unrealistic to expect anyone on their own to go out all day, they should have made that clear and now it is, rather brutally.I would never dream of asking for money back from them, whether they are comfortable or not. Did you pay for your board and lodging? The money's spent now just as if you had returned, forget it. If anyone asked me for money off future presents I would feel insulted, I would forget another visit and see if they might come to you. This has become about money, you have different expectations . They didn't treat you well, that's who they are, but if you want a relationship, stand back. I would never ever expect or want my children to subsidise me, I want to help them. I am estranged and once in place it's almost impossible to resolve and from the other side of the world even more so.

Soozikinzi

Well I'm going against the grain herë and saying surely they could have managed another week if the first two had gone OK? Just grinned and put up with it for one more week . And if you emigrate to Australia you have to expect the inconvenience of visitors staying a couple of weeks as part of it ? I prefer staying in a b and b when I visit my GC but we're not paying for a flight to Australia ! Well that's just my view . If they know a nice air b and b place nearby maybe they should pay for that for you for the next few xmases and birthdays?

Perhaps when you decided to I’ve to Australia you recognized that meant relatives would simply visit less and decided that was a fair trade?

MercuryQueen

You very well may have done nothing wrong, as your son says, but they found the reality of having a houseguest for three weeks to be too much to handle.

I’m an introvert. I don’t do well with houseguests, three days is my limit. Doesn’t matter who it is, I struggle. I need my space, my routine, my down time to not be ‘on’. Waking up with someone extra in the house puts me on edge.

And your son’s gf was heavily pregnant and meeting you for the first time? And alone with you for the majority of the visit?

Ooof.

Yes I am quite the same. It doesn’t matter if the guest was the most lovely person ever in a quiet corner of the garden them
Simply being there would prove too much for me very quickly. Three weeks sounds like a nightmare

While I’m sure it’s disappointing I can’t imagine expecting to stay in someone’s home for three weeks 24/7 when they’re heavily pregnant, or have a few month old baby. Or ever actually. Perhaps you could save rhe ticket until you can save up for a hotel or air b and b. I certainly wouldn’t ask him to give you any money after the way the first trip went I’m shocked you thought they’d want you coming back to stay in their home like that. This is a clear case of not even attempting to align expectations and as you are the one out the funds it was on you to do so

I am sorry that you are in this predicament JackK.
In my opinion your decision not to return in March is a wise move. I would be inclined to shelve plans at the moment too.
I am wondering how long your flexible ticket lasts for? If the expiry date is soon perhaps the airline will extend it? Of course you are itching to see your granddaughter but I would sit tight and wait until you feel your son and his partner really want you to visit.
Personally I would prefer to be independant and be accommodated elsewhere ( hotel or whatever) and keep my visit short.
Good luck.

Will you ever see your grandchild?
Is it worth wasting your ticket?
Surely you could save up for a b& b even if you only saw her for an hour each day.

I can truly feel your sheer disappointment JackK and any of us would be the same I think after being invited and your first visit paid for, you excitedly went ahead with paying for your next visit believing it to be a two way thing you having the sheer joy of your new grandchild and then hopefully having your help

However although you have been reassured that you did nothing wrong it proved too much and too long I don’t know the answer or what I would do I think I d probably find a cheap Airbnb for the first couple of weeks and then see if you can have the third week with them when they ve got a bit more used to the baby and appreciate the help but you would need to talk to them about this and find out exactly what didn’t work for them as it’s unfair to banish you without a full explanation so you can try and put things right
Do you get on with your daughter in law? Is it the first time you ve stayed with them for three weeks,
I think wasting the whole money spent on this new ticket is not good it must have been pricy Can you change it to later on

But you do need an explanation …Mum jane just couldn’t get on with you trotting around after her…Mum Jane really is not keen on you you talk too much … They invited you for three weeks so something must have gone badly wrong although you are oblivious to the reasons and they do need to tell you

I feel so sorry for all of you Jake. It sounds as if you all started out with the best of intentions but it was just too much.

I would just go gently and try and mend fences. A miscalculation is nobody's fault.

There is currently a housing crisis in Oz and Perth is one of the most expensive cities in the world. So an Air B&B would not be cheap.

I would not want a guest under my feet for 3 weeks nor would I wish to be a guest for that long.

Asking for money to cover the cost of your ticket would in my mind be disastrous. You have already spent the money anyway. What does a flexible ticket mean? If you can change the date and length of your stay then that might be the best option. Disappointing not to be able to see the baby when new especially as a new grandmother but if they couldn’t cope with your last stay for three weeks then there’s no way you could stay with them with a new baby. I appreciate that guests for three weeks is not easy but having extended the invitation to you for three weeks they should have been prepared to put up with the situation for the last week. Heavily pregnant women can actually leave the house themselves if they need to - some for work, some to socialise even up to days before birth. That was their error not yours and they seem to have realised that but were wrong in my opinion to ask you to leave especially as you were on your own. Please don’t do anything to fall out with them despite your hurt. Give them some space and hopefully they will welcome you albeit for a shorter visit in future or even come and see you. Good luck!

Flappergirl, I can put my hand on my heart and say that no, I did not offer an ounce of advice, nor did I criticise at all - whether purposely or indirectly.
Thank you everyone for your replies; some of you understood me completely, which was comforting to read.
I shan't be going back in March, and I can't change my flight pathway, so the ticket will be wasted - so if any of you fancy a free ticket to Sydney, via China in March, let me know!
My son usually sends me cash for birthdays and Christmas anyway (although I told him not to this Christmas, that buying my November ticket was enough), so I'll just keep quiet as to what I will be spending future cash gifts on, ie: I had to buy a new washing machine this morning!