To ask my son for a refund?

You're welcome Jack.

I know how expensive Air B&B's and hotels are in Aus. as we've used both when travelling around with our son. Even without knowing you have osteoarthritis, to expect anyone to walk around for 6 hours a day every day is ridiculous especially in Aus. in November when the weather's becoming a lot warmer.

I hope your son will have the ticket transferred to him and give you something toward its cost .

Sooziniki, yes! Exactly! That's exactly what I thought - and my friends / other son, completely agree!
Norah, I have explained it all. No need for more self reflection - I have done NOTHING but, since I returned home! Didn't you read that my son had told me that I'd done or said nothing wrong?!!!

It is difficult staying with people and also having people to stay. A few days I could manage but any longer would be straining. Perhaps if you had taken a few trips sight seeing, it would have been less difficult for you. Was DS working when you were there? Nowadays many new parents don't want to see anyone in the first month or so after baby is born (even if they live close by) so it might be a similar thing in Australia. It's confusing re the dates as you said baby would be 3 weeks but now saying 3 months? Even at 3 months, a visit of 3 weeks is a long time to be with a new family so staying in a hotel, motel or airBnB might be better. Both our DDs were happy with our help in the house and with the babies and toddler but we are a very close family. I'm not sure that my DS partner would want as much help but we would wait and see. She has a volatile relationship with her own Mum who lives several hours away. Just take your lead from them. FaceTime is great - though children often wander off after a few sentences but you can read stories, do simple games etc. Try to grin and bear it and it will be worth it in the end.

Yes, I know. I'd written 3 weeks in error. I'd then tried to explain my error to you - but the post disappeared.
Thank you everyone for your insights, which I've found very helpful (if harsh, from a couple of you!) Yes, Smileless2012 - I am alone, so thank you for understanding my reluctance (and my inability - I have osteoarthritis) to walk around for 6 hours a day! And for understanding the financial implications of an air bnb for 3 weeks!
I'll suggest transferring the ticket to my son, but I can almost see his screwed up face - as he will only travel with Emirates, and it's not an Emirates flight!

I agree with you Soozikini.

I honestly don't see how going out alone for 6 hours a day could work well for anyone Norah.

Smileless2012

The OP can't afford to pay out for alternative accommodation Norah. Of course the trip takes time well that's an understatement.

Fortunately for some parents/GPs their adult children and their partners are more accommodating. They recognise it was their choice to move so far away and that it's an arduous and expensive trip for parents to make, one that for many is only possible every 2 or 3 years or once in a life time.

Not well thought out in advance, on either side, son did buy a 3 week ticket. Three weeks is quite a long time to be underfoot.

Perhaps the ticket for 3 months old baby should have been for a short time. Last we flew to Aus for business we only stayed 4 nights.

Apart from the solution leaving their home 6 hours a day, which could work well, going on walks - something else unexplained has gone wrong.

Nobody has to explain or self reflect, of course.

Well I'm going against the grain herë and saying surely they could have managed another week if the first two had gone OK? Just grinned and put up with it for one more week . And if you emigrate to Australia you have to expect the inconvenience of visitors staying a couple of weeks as part of it ? I prefer staying in a b and b when I visit my GC but we're not paying for a flight to Australia ! Well that's just my view . If they know a nice air b and b place nearby maybe they should pay for that for you for the next few xmases and birthdays?

My friend has the same problem, DD wanted her to go over to help her with the birth last spring. She went over for the birth and returned home only to be asked to go back again early autumn for 3 months but stayed in an airb&b, as her sil didn’t like her staying in their home. She did because her DD needed help but it is costing an arm and a leg.

The OP can't afford to pay out for alternative accommodation Norah. Of course the trip takes time well that's an understatement.

Fortunately for some parents/GPs their adult children and their partners are more accommodating. They recognise it was their choice to move so far away and that it's an arduous and expensive trip for parents to make, one that for many is only possible every 2 or 3 years or once in a life time.

This is a sad situation .
It was very nice of them to buy you a ticket , but unreasonable of them to expect you to be out for six hours a day .

It isn't easy staying with in laws on both sides .

I know that my daughters ex - partner loathed the sight of me .
He was angry that my daughter (who enjoyed my visits) told me to leave some essential clothing so that I wouldn't have to struggle with it on the coach on my next visit .
At one point , he locked me out of the cottage ( which was never locked during the day ) and I was soaked to the skin in a storm .
A neighbour rescued me .
On my last visit , he walked out after the first supper spent together and disappeared for a week . We didn't know where he was .
During my visits , I'd shop , clean , cook and garden as asked so my daughter was grateful for the help .
Strangely , he loved my cooking !

Unable to tolerate his behaviour and exhausted from running a home and working full time -my daughter finally left him .

In the past , I have found my mother in law's visits intolerable .
My sister in law both said the same thinug -that she expected to be waited on hand and foot and never stopped criticising and carping .
I particularly hated her giving my husband a hypercritical summary of my day .

My mother made herself extremely useful on visits , but was easily upset and offended .
I was embarrassed by her drinking excessive amounts of alcohol .

I wouldn't ask for a refund from your son .
Send small gifts , which you can afford and wish to send .

It's their home and baby .

If the ticket is “flexible” can you use it to go elsewhere? If you can’t use it in some way accept the loss.

3 weeks with relatives is too much unless you know them all really well. 2 or 3 nights is our rule, it’s a shame it didn’t work out but if you attempted it after the baby was born it would likely have been worse.
Personally with a new baby all I ever wanted was help when I asked for it, otherwise stay out of the way, certainly not a relative asking to help every day

This is the perfect storm of bad decisions - please do not put yourself in a precarious financial situation for something like this

A visit is a want, bring able to afford to pay your bills is a must

Smileless2012

When you live on the other side of the world, not being there for more than a few hours isn't possible is it. For a start it takes 24 hours to get to Perth, the other side of Aus. is an additional 5 hours.

Of course the trip takes time, doesn't mean people want others underfoot longer than a normal 3-4 hour visit. Hotels have been invented.

We didn't want others in this house longer than an hour or two when I had babies. Who does that? I wanted to rest and get back on my feet -- not serve other people tea and cake. Same with our daughters, we visited for a very small time, and left whilst everyone was still happy!

If there is to be any hope at all of the relationship becoming better again, you need to be very careful now.

As you cannot get a refund, I would, in your place, change the length of my stay to a week at the most, and stay in a B&B or cheap hotel.

Write now and explain that this is what you are thinking of doing, as you cannot cancel and get a refund. Ask when it would suit them that you come, and whether they would be all right with two visits from you in the course of the week.

Asking them to help out financially if you decide to cancel the trip entirely, is IMO a very bad idea - it suggests to them that you feel you have done nothing wrong and that they have.

Obviously you want to see your grandchild, but frankly, I would cancel the trip and later suggest going next year. At 3 months she is not goingto know you, or remember your visit.

At a year or 18 months she might.

Better to keep your options open, by using Skype or some other form of digital media right now, and perhaps visit or have them visit you later.

When you live on the other side of the world, not being there for more than a few hours isn't possible is it. For a start it takes 24 hours to get to Perth, the other side of Aus. is an additional 5 hours.

Don't go, don't ask for your son to refund you cash.

Lesson learned, people don't want others underfoot longer than a few hours. Nobody actually needs help after a baby, imo. Extra people are a huge burden.

It is too much too fast - no wonder it didn't work out.

No, don't ask him for the money, of course

JackK

Enid101, the baby would be 3 months old, not 3 weeks

“I'd already booked a flight (I paid for this) for March, when the baby would be 3 weeks old.”

This is what you said.

I may be wrong Jack but the impression I have is that you make the trip on your own. Going out every day for 6 hours alone wouldn't be ideal for the majority, nor would staying in an Air B&B unless it was possible to find one very close to where they live.

It might be an idea to see as pascal's suggested, if the ticket could be transferred into your son's name if they intend to come to the UK at some point.

When we visit family abroad we much prefer to stay in a hotel or Airbnb. It gives us freedom as well as them. A few years back we did stay for a week with my son and family who he said would be over the stomach bug they’d all had a few weeks before. Nope…we went down with it which was inconvenient for all concerned.

Even the best of guests as GSM says are extra work and what with the pregnancy hormones I guess your DiL was desperate to get back to her nesting without someone being there

I invited my DGMiL to stay when my boys were 4 and 2. I had only met her once and she would have been 80. She stayed for 2 weeks!! I couldn't believe how hard I found it.
She expected 3 meals a day and to be taken for outings in the car. DH was at work all the while. She brought clothes for the boys which she liked I didn't and wanted to buy them ice-cream and sweets.

I am now very aware of how easy it is to fall from grace and as I am about to visit DS &DDiL in NZ for 4 weeks, this post is rather relevant. 😯

I find having people in my home too much even after a few days.. I just need the freedom and space to be alone.. so I can imagine how they felt.. no matter how considerate you were as a guest. I would wait for several months before considering going back to visit, to let all those hormones settle down.. then maybe look for a hostel or airbnb.. I would not bring up the financial aspect of this,unless they do first.. this is very tricky territory... or wait til they bring the baby over to the UK.. is the ticket transferable to your son maybe..

Cooking? Shopping? Getting your room ready for your stay? Not being able to come and go or go to bed as and when they pleased because they had a guest to consider? It’s a lot of pressure and, to put it bluntly, inconvenience to have a guest staying so long but you seem not to understand that.

Halfpint1, I should have said that I went out for 2 hours each day and sat on the balcony for the rest of the time. I was nowhere near her side! Tbh, no-one would even know I was there - I left things as I found them, washed up, brought washing in etc; I didn't give her any extra work. In fact, she said to me once - "There's no need for you to do that - I'll have nothing to do!"

My inlaws came over from South Africa for a 4 week visit when I had a toddler and a 3 month old baby, but they were very helpful. They stayed with us but paid their way, and also did a lot of chores for me and entertained my toddler so I could do things with the baby. Plus they went out for the day or half a day, and at one point went to Europe for a week.