AIBU - Grandchildren

I have virtually no contact with my eldest grandchild aged 22. He still lives at home but works all sorts of odd hours so I don’t always see him when I visit. Apart from exchanging a few words there is no other communication at all. No ‘ Thank You’ for any gifts for the past few years unless he happens to be there to receive it in person. I really think it is time to give up on presents, but how can I give to his younger brother, 19, and not him? I have a very different relationship with the younger one.

You could always ask them to let you know it has arrived and what they bought with it when you send it. If that doesn't produce a thank you then you either accept it or stop giving.

I usually get a thank you from my niece as a Facebook message. This year I didn't get thanked and wondered if it got lost in the post. Then last week it arrived back on my doormat as I'd sent it to the wrong address! Hopefully when it is delivered to the correct address she will thank me. I've now written the correct address in my address book as previously I looked back through old emails and Facebook messages and I'd looked back too far! When I emailed my BiL to ask him what was wrong with the address he said "We moved from there 3 years ago! Old age clearly setting in, not helped by them moving numerous times across two European countries!

E transfer money to them & then email to say let me know if you get money in your account ( could say I’m not really sure if I’ve done it correctly)

MamaB247

I don't get why everyone expects gratitude for gifts. Yes it's nice but it's a gift and that's about giving no expectations. I've always sent an elderly friend £50 shopping vouchers each Christmas and I never get a thank you, I don't care to be fair, because I know from experience she's a cantankerous old sod who doesn't thank anyone, but I also know when she gets that voucher the first thing she does is go to or local discount supermarket and stock up on a huge trolley full of cheap tinned food, these keep her in food almost all year. If you were to offer her food parcels she'd turn them down, she's too stubborn to ask for help just as she is too stubborn to say thanks. But she sees that voucher as a Christmas routine and I know she uses it so I'm happy. Why must everyone have a thank you. I can't recall children saying thanks to Santa all those years growing up. When it's Christmas or Birthdays people don't want to be sat down trying to message everyone a thanks. Ye sit would be nice and some do it. But that's not the idea of gifting. The idea of gifting is to expect nothing in return.

I don't get why everyone expects gratitude for gifts.

... gratitude?

It's not gratitude - it's the courtesy of acknowledging that the money you've given has actually got to where it's meant to be.

All my grandchildren live abroad - they all get money for birthdays and Christmas paid into their accounts.

And they all manage a brief "thanks" text with a smiley emoji to confirm that the transaction has gone through.

When they join the adult world, there will be occasions where they will be expected to say "thank you" to gestures made by people they might even have never met. It's how society works.

Why do you think it is it so wrong to expect simple good manners from the young?

But that's not the idea of gifting. The idea of gifting is to expect nothing in return.

Absolutely - but a simple, courteous acknowledgement that your gift is received is not an unreasonable expectation. As my 16-year old grandson said when I posed this to him some time ago when the subject came up...

... "but why wouldn't you say thank you?

My nieces never thanked me for gifts as they got older so I just sent them cards instead. Nothing was said. When they had babies I made beautiful, modern baby items in expensive yarns using on trend colours.

So, I put a lot of thought, time and expense into these but never got a thank you so I never sent any more. I never forgot to send cards but they never, ever sent one to me.

MamaB247

I don't get why everyone expects gratitude for gifts. Yes it's nice but it's a gift and that's about giving no expectations. I've always sent an elderly friend £50 shopping vouchers each Christmas and I never get a thank you, I don't care to be fair, because I know from experience she's a cantankerous old sod who doesn't thank anyone, but I also know when she gets that voucher the first thing she does is go to or local discount supermarket and stock up on a huge trolley full of cheap tinned food, these keep her in food almost all year. If you were to offer her food parcels she'd turn them down, she's too stubborn to ask for help just as she is too stubborn to say thanks. But she sees that voucher as a Christmas routine and I know she uses it so I'm happy. Why must everyone have a thank you. I can't recall children saying thanks to Santa all those years growing up. When it's Christmas or Birthdays people don't want to be sat down trying to message everyone a thanks. Ye sit would be nice and some do it. But that's not the idea of gifting. The idea of gifting is to expect nothing in return.

The situation with your friend is rather different though. She is elderly and you know she is cantankerous. At her age she doesn't need to, nor is likely to, learn social etiquette that may help her going forward. You also know that without your intervention she would suffer food poverty.

I think it is important for young people to learn that social manners do matter. People notice, whether those people are family, future employers or future in laws. A lack of manners is a lack of consideration for others which is never a good trait and could actually be a handicap to a young person starting out in life.

A quick thank you text (so easy these days) could also make the difference between a feeling of isolation or a feeling of being loved and included for a grandparent. Rather like your gesture makes a big difference to your friend.

Gifts always come with strings. They are an intrinsic part of oiling the wheels that make life go round at every level from family to international. Gifts do not have to be things or involve money, they can be actions - or inactions - of all kinds and they require a response.

Gifts are a sign of love or co-operation and saying 'thank you' for them is part of the deal. If I was giving a gift to anyone who could not bother to acknowledge their receipt of it, then I would stop giving.

Thankfully I nearly always get a thank you from my grandkids a text from those away a personal thank you if I see them to give them
I never understand the stop giving at 18 stuff they re still my grandkids they don’t stop being my loves whatever age they are
So who cares if they earn more than me that’s not the point there’s no price or age on love is there?

When I was a child we had to write our thank you letters on Boxing Day - they had to be neatly written, contain some news and go over the page - a letter just written on one side was not allowed.

I don't get why everyone expects gratitude for gifts.
MamaB427

It's not gratitude that's missing it's simple good manners, exactly the same as thanking someone for holding the door open, giving you a lift or serving you in a shop. Makes life a nicer place to live in

keepcalmandcavachon

I don't get why everyone expects gratitude for gifts.
MamaB427

It's not gratitude that's missing it's simple good manners, exactly the same as thanking someone for holding the door open, giving you a lift or serving you in a shop. Makes life a nicer place to live in

Pleased someone else sees it!

By inserting the word gratitude - it makes it seem like people are being unreasonable in expecting basic courtesy.

If someone holds a door open - do we imperiously walk through as if it is our entitlement? No - we give a brief nod or smile of acknowledgement that someone has considered us ahead of themselves. It's what makes us civilised. So why are we exonerating grandchildren from this well-understood behaviour?

So you are right - we are not looking for gratitude - just he continuation of plain and simple good manners.

Thank you Dickens,
A parent can give a child no greater gift than good manners -Hakim.
Works nicely for dogs too

I donate to charities,then print the relatives the acknowledgement and put it in a nice birthday card, eg an animal charity asks for £5 for a bag of carrots to feed the donkeys, or a homeless charity asks for £10 for a hat/gloves/scarf bundle,even if I get no thanks, the charities will benefit

Sadly, we don't have any grandchildren to spoil on birthdays and Christmas, but we do have 2 sets of children that we buy for. The response from each set is completely different.

Family 1 - next door neighbours, 2 children, 8 and 5. We send cards on birthdays, and presents at Christmas. Never a thank you from the children, although the parents do say thanks when I deliver the parcels before Christmas.

Family 2 - dad is colleague of my husband, 2 children , 14 and 12. We send presents for birthdays and Christmas, and always get a hand written thank you.
When they were babies, Mum would write the thank you card, and baby would do some squiggles with a crayon. They were teaching them early! As the years have gone by they progressed to writing their own name, and then later, their own letters, often on hand made cards. We have loved seeing the progression of their handwriting! We don't see them in person very often, so usually there is a photo in with the thank you card.

I'm seriously considering stopping the presents for next door, as we don't know if the children have liked any of their gifts over the years. Maybe just send a card to the family?

My children always wrote thank you letters for presents. I remember trying to keep note of which gift came from which auntie at Christmas, so it could be mentioned in the letter!

Take care everyone xxx

On Christmas day, my DiL always brings a pad and pen to the present opening and notes down every present her children receive and who it is from, so that thank yous in various forms, personal, email or letter go to each person.

M0nica - we always did this. It was hard to keep track with 5 children otherwise.

i think it's v unusual to give presents to neighbours' children.
do they or their parents give you presents.

should have specified, this and my previous is in response to LindaPat above.
are you trying to co-opt NDNs as kind of stand-in GC ?
you are on a hiding to nothing.
the other lot, since you seem to get enjoyment from it, then just stick with that.

welbeck - no, not wanting stand in GC! Have resigned myself to not having any of our own, so don't want borrowed ones! I bought presents for the neighbours children when they were born, and it just sort of continued. It would be nice to get a thank you from them, but I guess it's not the way for some families these days.
I do enjoy the thank yous from the other set of children ( who we've also bought for since they were born ), so will continue with them.
Thank you.

this is an issue for us too... but as it GC. I think I will add a note to the card with my phone number and mention thank you to AC. I admit to not always chasing up thank you letters with my children. DIL is very good and makes sure her children send letters or card.

Does seem to depend on how the mother was brought up as it seems to be mothers who instigate thank you notes or texts. DGD1, my DD’s child, has sent thank you notes since she could hold a crayon; DGD2 and DGS have not. Guess which ones will not get gifts post 18.

Its just good manners to say 'thank you' - a quick text or phone call or even a thank you card - and it is how many of us were brought up. Its like some just expect the gifts without having to say thanks. Up to you of course whether you think you should stop giving. I personally would cut back or stop altogether.

Unless they thank you as soon as it is received I expect they forget, I doubt very much that teens think about their grandparents at all , grandparents would be at the bottom of a very long list of what is important, friends, social media, games, school and homework are a few of the more important things to be thought about.

When I was younger I do not remember thinking about my grandparents at all, it would be when a parent said you should visit grandma I would think about them, usually a way of trying to get out of a visit as I would rather see friends.

I came across this and searched for a thread to post it. It gave me a chuckle. ......................

one lady saying she sends her grandchildren a generous cheque every christmas and birthday but never hears from them
her friend replied that she does the same and always gets a phone call then gets a visit within a week, first lady says wow how come and she replied, 'I never sign the cheque'.

I got a thank you message at Christmas from my second granddaughter, followed a short time after from the other three older ones. I know that she will have ordered them to send a message, and I’m not sure they would have otherwise!
The days of the thank you letter are long gone.