To say eldest GD needs to grow up?

Dear YorkshireQueen

My younger daughter has a very serious mental health issues, since she was 13, she’s in anti psychotic drugs and is 23, she works full time.

My older daughter is Autistic (high functioning) with ADHD and social anxiety. She’s 26 and works full time!

It’s clearly a choice your younger GD has made!

I too cannot work out the maths! So are we saying youngest GD has not spent any money ever for the past 9 years?? Sounds a bit suspect really and why is a 31 year old woman living a home, not helping out at all in any way, only working part time, they will struggle once they live together as this woman seems to have zero clue about how much it costs to run even the tiniest flat and her income will barely cover the food bills!

It’s a completely mad and bizarre post frankly and I feel so sorry for eldest GD!

Having flicked back through all the posts am wondering if poor OP is living in a parallel universe!

Sorry, but I think you’re being quite uncaring and as her dear grandmother could perhaps be a little more empathetic. I would imagine she is feeling quite low and depressed, and as for suggesting she goes out to find a partner so she too can afford a house…..

Yes, you are being unreasonable. This poor girl is chronically unwell, yet contributed (ok it's her choice, but still ...), sees her sister contribute nothing (again her choice!) and whether because of her non-contribution or having a generous partner, is able to afford a house. No wonder she's feeling a bit put out. Here's an idea - treat the one you say is childish to a day out or something that is special to her i.e. spoil her a bit. She needs that. What she doesn't need is being told to grow up and/or to find herself a man!!!

I like your eldest GD YorkshireQueen
She had morals, character and a determination to stand up for herself.
I'd be so proud of her if she were related to me.

You asked what you could do about the situation...
Go up to her room give her a hug, tell her you love her, and last but not least leave her at least £80k in your will.

Germanshepherdsmum

The elder sister must be a lovely, patient, caring person to do the work she does. I don’t get the same impression of the younger one, and she certainly hasn’t inherited these qualities from the OP. I suspect the OP makes her very aware of her ‘failure’ to find a man who can afford to buy a house. It won’t be long before the younger one finds out that £32k isn’t enough to live on or that her boyfriend is in it for the money - if they marry and divorce he’ll get half the fabulous £80k.

They won't be able to get a mortgage for even a shoebox in an expensive London area!

Blimey - I wish it was a spoof!

The way it is written does seem to be more of a spoof than real.

everyone has taken it too far and been ever so cruel.
We're not cruel just because we disagree with you.

I think you all, apart from your older GD, need to give your heads a wobble, as they say on MN.

"You cannot be serious!"

YorkshireQueen

It's pathetic to say it's a spoof. I only wanted some advice on how to deal with this but everyone has taken it too far and been ever so cruel. I wish I had not posted.

You clearly are only interested in everyone agreeing with you. Help the poor girl, don't criticise her

YorkshireQueen. Even if any of us condoned your notion that she should "find a man" (which is worthy of another thread in itself) how do you propose she does this?

I would imagine her social opportunities are limited by her disability and low income.

Perhaps she might go to a ball and leave a glass slipper behind.

The elder sister must be a lovely, patient, caring person to do the work she does. I don’t get the same impression of the younger one, and she certainly hasn’t inherited these qualities from the OP. I suspect the OP makes her very aware of her ‘failure’ to find a man who can afford to buy a house. It won’t be long before the younger one finds out that £32k isn’t enough to live on or that her boyfriend is in it for the money - if they marry and divorce he’ll get half the fabulous £80k.

YorkshireQueen

Why on earth would it not be?
Are you saying we should just tiptoe around her and not celebrate a big achievement with other GD?

She's only buying a flat!

YorkshireQueen

Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.

NOT the only negative by a long way.
“Get herself a man”(so that they can buy a property together.)
Really?
Your story is a truly sad one if true
You have no idea of the financial facts of life
You have no idea how many young (and not so young) women view their futures
“Go out of her way to find a partner” - (checks date 2024 or 1924?)
You are in cloud cuckoo land if you see YGD as having achieved something amazing by “catching “ a young man who does not earn very much but seems to think they can afford a flat
You are showing yourself up in the way you continue to blame the older GD.who incidentally pays her share of the household expenses unlike her feckless younger sister.
Blimey - I wish it was a spoof!

PS Get your head out the clouds on the salary the second daughter and her partner are on will not be enough to live in a London Borough.

YorkshireQueen

Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.

No it is not understandable. Your views are abhorrent to me.

You see I was the elder daughter, I was never as good as the younger princess, I was useless, I would never get anywhere in life. I too have/had depression, anxiety and other things, but I did a full time job, had children, bought a house in a London Borough, learned to drive and pay for a car. I now have a full state pension and a occupational pension from my job. This js not a stealth boast as I would not like anyone to walk in my shoes. I still suffer years on. I proved them wrong and stuck two fingers up to them.
This will have to be my last contribution to this thread as it has really struck a chord with me. I am glad your Grandaughter goes to her room when you come, can't you see she is protecting herself. I hope she gets away soon from your negativity and ignorance. She sounds lovely and deserves better.
I had to put up with a ignorant intimidating Father and a dense Mother and I am sorry to say you sound like her.

Maybe I shouldn't have said she needs to grow up but that's the only negative I have said. It's just frustration as it's causing a lot of tension. Surely that is understandable.

I agree *grannyactivist^
Working with children with special needs and as a nanny?
And with a chronic health condition herself?

I still find it hard to believe it's true.
If so, the spoilt younger GD needs a reality check and the older GD needs tlc, not criticism.

No grandmother would be so unkind and unfeeling, surely?

Both jobs you describe can be emotionally and physically exhausting, so it’s not surprising your granddaughter needs to recharge her batteries when she gets home. Did you give any thought to my earlier suggestion of taking her out for a meal?

I agree with everything you say Callistomom the eldest daughter sounds very reasonable, helps in the house and pays her way.
Having a partner is not the only way she can move out,if she is in a job with a low income and she decided to rent she can get help with this via UC. I find she can only progress if she has a partner, offensive,out of touch abd to be honest very ignorant.

She works with special needs kids and also nannies. Both through agencies which provide flexible working.

I have no idea to be honest. I only know the youngest GD pay as we have all been discussing it in relation to the move. I doubt it will be much at all. Definitely nowhere near in the region of buying a property or rent. Not me being mean which everyone has cast me as. Just a fact.

What is her job? How much does she earn? You’ve told us what the younger one earns/brings home.

Shame she can't move out,s she deserves better than you in her life.

Well, younger GD is sorted, so perhaps the parents can leave the family home to the hardworking, older GD with chronic health issues?
That might be an idea.

It feels very awkward and leaves everyone feeling like they are doing something wrong

Has it ever occurred to any of you that you might be?