Would you be a little hurt…

Knitandnatter, how dare you make such an unpleasant judgement!? Non of us ( and that includes you) know the background to this situation. I sincerely hope that MoaningTurtle disregards your nasty comments. I suggest you keep save any nasty views you have for your knit and natter meetings where people can respond accordingly!

Shelflife

Knitandnatter, how dare you make such an unpleasant judgement!? Non of us ( and that includes you) know the background to this situation. I sincerely hope that MoaningTurtle disregards your nasty comments. I suggest you keep save any nasty views you have for your knit and natter meetings where people can respond accordingly!

Do you mind! My umbrage is well and truly taken!!

I go to a craft group and everyone is absolutely lovely, no bitching or spiteful comments at all.

I would suggest your DS and GC come and see you sometime and if she joins in well so be it. I would never let her see she had hurt me. In some respects, if you show how upset you are you are giving her further ammunition if she has done it on purpose.
I think all daughters turn to their mums more than their MIL you only have to read posts on other subjects.Some sons do as well .
We have one DD's MIL to contend with and I just ignore her antics and keep as far away as possible. She spoiled many things and was controlling with her DS so it goes both ways. Until I gave the impression I couldn't care less.

I wouldn't be hurt at all. When does this young family get to take holiday alone? If I were them there wouldn't have even been a routine established where both sets get a holiday each year. One year with one set, another year with the other seems fair. Maybe this year they are skipping holiday with your family and will go next year.

MoaningTurtle

@ NotSpaghetti
But why does it have to be her parents they go away with and not my husband and myself?
My son has made it clear he would rather go with us as we don’t see that much of them and a few days break is wonderful for spending time with my grandchildren.

Can you suggest they come with you next year?
That's what I'd do.

You will find that as children grow they want different things anyway. I don't think you should assume anything by this.

As to your son's preference to holiday with you rather than his in-laws - most of our families would rather holiday with the people they are closer to - your son with you, his wife with her family. I don't think this is odd.

Please try to relax about it and maybe look to 2025.

I wouldn’t be hurt, we all prefer to spend time with some people over others. Your daughter in law prefers to spend time with her family, you cannot make someone want to be with you.

If your son really wants to holiday with you then he will.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

How do you know?, You can give advice that has been asked for but not sweeping statements about the state of the couple's marriage. The OP is upset enough without your doom-ridden forecasts.
Are you like that in your knit and natter club I bet you drop a lot of stitches.

Siope

MoaningTurtle

@ V3ra
That’s a lovely idea but there’s no way my son would be allowed to take the children away in his own.

Allowed?

They are his children. He doesn’t need permission.

Uhh yes he does need permission, as does the mother from her husband. Children are not objects to carry around on a whim. Separation from parents is a two-yes situation. If the daughter in law prefers not to use holiday time being separated from her children, that's her right. If the shoe were on the other foot and the father didn't want to be separated from his children on holiday time, that is also his right. Why should either parent have to involuntarily separate on holiday from their children to appease others all the time? Not everyone has children to fulfill the needs of grandparents.

People seem to think that every bit of free holiday time needs to be spent with as much extended family as possible. This is neither true, nor a reasonable expectation.

Theexwife

I wouldn’t be hurt, we all prefer to spend time with some people over others. Your daughter in law prefers to spend time with her family, you cannot make someone want to be with you.

If your son really wants to holiday with you then he will.

This ^^

Callistemon, please forgive me for offending you , I can assure you it was not my intention to insult any knit and natter group. I was so cross about knitandnatters unkind remarks that I thought her knit and natter friends would have enough sense to put her firmly in her place! Really sorry 😞

Yes I would be hurt, I think upset could have been avoided if they’d spoken about it with you , it’s the not knowing sometimes. Maybe going forward they plan a year each so maybe it’s your turn next year.
But whatever the reason I’d keep quiet and invite them over to you if that’s possible.

Knitandnatter

I would pull on my big-girl pants, get together with my son and plan a holiday with my OH, DS and the grandchildren and totally disregard the self-centred DIL. If she wants to behave like an entitled brat then she is welcome to do so.

Sorry, but if you think you can plan a holiday with someone else's children and "completely" disregard them, that is pure delusion. You don't get to make decision for other people's children; being a grandparent doesn't change this fact. I am sure the OP knows this basic life fact. Why give her "advice" that will only end badly for her? And it doesn't make her a brat to not want to go on two holidays every year with grandparents. Entitled to do so? Absolutely. On what planet isn't this adult entitled to make decisions for her own life? Ridiculous.

OP, you obviously dislike your son's wife.
she will be aware of this.
most of us would not choose to holiday with people who dislike us.
it just isn't relaxing.
also, quite apart from that, as you have been ill, maybe she does not want to risk her children being frightened by any sudden onset illness that might occur.
you need to disentangle from all this, or you will make your life miserable.

Knitandnatter

And I have just missed the comment from the OP that her son is NOT allowed to take the children away on his own!!!!!
That is not a happy marriage and is doomed; what a dreadful, spiteful, coercive, controlling bitch your DIL is.

Dear me!

When I had family of my own I made it a thing that we had our own family holidays, just the four of us, as we both worked hard and needed a break.

Day trips with extended family? Yes, but a week? Good heavens no, not my idea of rest or fun at all.

Now I have grandchildren I am glad they do the same. Sometimes I have 'joined' the holiday for a few days but stay the whole time? No chance. I have breaks with my friends, with other family, with my daughter even, but not a 'family' holiday.

Horses for courses I suppose. Life is change. Let them go away together and accept it. There is no point in creating conflict about something which should be fun and relaxing.

What if your son insisted on your coming? What that make you feel better? I know I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

Why not just go away with your son? It sounds like he could do with a break and may show his wife he has a life of his own too, and is free to make choices as we all are.

No I wouldn’t be offended, I wouldn’t have dreamt of going on holiday with my parents or the in laws and don’t expect my children to come with us.
Is this the same daughter in law you had an issue with last year OP?
I’d focus more on your own interests and a lovely holiday for you and your partner.

Germanshepherdsmum

Oh no, Knitandnatter. That would cause a huge fall out. Wanting to spend a holiday with her parents doesn’t make the daughter in law a self-centred, entitled brat. What a horrible thing to say.

Another dil bashing thread. One thing most of us have in common is having been dil’s at some stage }

Callistemon21

Shelflife

Knitandnatter, how dare you make such an unpleasant judgement!? Non of us ( and that includes you) know the background to this situation. I sincerely hope that MoaningTurtle disregards your nasty comments. I suggest you keep save any nasty views you have for your knit and natter meetings where people can respond accordingly!

Do you mind! My umbrage is well and truly taken!!

I go to a craft group and everyone is absolutely lovely, no bitching or spiteful comments at all.

I do agree, Shelflife

That comment from Knitandnatter is totally uncalled for and downright horrible.

MoaningTurtle

@ V3ra
That’s a lovely idea but there’s no way my son would be allowed to take the children away in his own.

I'll be honest, I find this rather sad. Doesn't she trust him or is it a fear of missing out or being in control?

On a separate note, could you see them for a few days over the holidays and take the grandchildren out for some day trips? Sometimes they're the most exciting things children remember! My kids who are now in their twenties only reminded me the other day about the time a giraffe at the safari park stuck it's head through the sunroof and licked them!

Hope you find some peace and compromise in this situation 🤗

MoaningTurtle

@ NotSpaghetti
But why does it have to be her parents they go away with and not my husband and myself?
My son has made it clear he would rather go with us as we don’t see that much of them and a few days break is wonderful for spending time with my grandchildren.

Perhaps your dil would prefer "a few days break.. spending time" alone, as a family, with her children?

If I recall correctly, you posted some time ago your dil was upset that her husband shared her private medical information with you. Perhaps that is part to this holiday problem?

Your son, his wife and children are their own family and perhaps need less interaction with you and your husband.

This is one of several posts you have made over the past few years about your relationship with your daughters in law, and perhaps she has discovered them. You do seem to look for problems with them.
Let it go.

I think I would never have wanted all holiday to involve grandparents of either side. Perhaps they intend to alternate and do a holiday just then too

Iam64 - my thoughts exactly.

@easybee

His you considered I might have a DIL problem?
I have wonderful relationships with my other dils and my son in law, it’s just this particular DIL who doesn’t care about us.
Not all dils are angels and not all Mils are demons you know!

@Norah.
That is so far from the truth, we see very little of them lol.