SIL who has had Total Knee Replacement

I had the physiotherapy preop meeting last week. They were adamant that if you can dress yourself, go to the toilet and shower before, then you can afterwards. You will have had a big operation but you are not ill!
They suggested an apron with big pockets to carry food, flasks etc. I could only see a plateful of chicken curry, naan, rice etc going into the pocket. 🤣

I've just been for an assessment and the nurse wanted to ensure I would have someone at home with me after the operation who could cook and generally make sure I was all right.

I had one mid November, went to stay with DD for two weeks post op. The hospital were very pleased that there were stairs in her house and mine. I could shower before I left the hospital. To be honest, I could probably have come home straight away, but my husband is elderly with various health problems, so I went to DD to put his mind at rest. I certainly did not need help with personal care, I think she is taking the proverbial!

She's probably frightened about being alone , but needs to get 'up and at it'. I had my knees done and my daughter delivered me home, arranged my meds , still with her coat on then left me .......... but it was the best thing she could have done ! I had to do things and managed fine . I'd batch cooked and filled the cupboards prior to surgery so no problems there , showers were taken slower and stairs done with great concentration . I think that it helped me recover faster ?

You are NOT being unreasonable!!
At the very least, she should have told you what this help entailed and just how much she would require you to be there!!
Tell her you didn't know she'd want you back, you have already made arrangements and she should call her other family or friends to help, or pay for a nurse to attend to her!!
DO NOT FEEL GUILTY, THIS IS ON HER!!!

Well done... She will be fine I had my Hip replacement and New knee and a Pacemaker thrown into the mix all within 6 months for each other, I managed. She's just got to get on with it, you have been amazing.

It certainly is more than enough.

Update - I rushed round yesterday evening after a day looking after my granddaughter. Her friend had left me a meal to cook for her (nothing for me), so I did that made a drink then went home to get myself something to eat. I stayed the night but said this is the last time. She managed 6 stairs yesterday and with my help 10 today.
I have organised a mobility wheeled tray so can get food and drink from kitchen to lounge. I left her after I did her lunch today with a flask of hot water, teabags and milk so she should be OK until her friend returns this evening.
Her friend is stopping tonight and tomorrow and that’s it but she has agreed to clean for her once a week. I will do her shopping and washing also take her to hospital appointments.
My niece who is very busy has agreed to call in when she can, her neighbour who has a key and works from home has agreed to be an emergency contact. Her brother and sister say they have health issues and are sympathetic but can’t help.
She was quite upset and asked me to just do Thursday Friday and Saturday night but have said no, her staples are out Friday and I have agreed to go round while she has her first shower.
I think this is enough.

I think she is being unreasonable, and she certainly does not need you for a month. I've had both knees replaced, and with the second one I was living on my own yet managed perfectly well. My son and partner stayed just one night with me, and then visited me daily for a few days. Neighbours came and took me out for the necessary walks and took me to physio etc.
It's important to get back on your feet and not behave like a helpless invalid for a month.
She's taking advantage of you.

It is very hard sorting post-op care when you are on your own - I know about this! So I feel sorry for both of you.

I think you should speak to her sister and brother.

Before she was discharged from hospital, she would've been asked if there was someone at home to help her initially. Usually, for someone living alone, with no one to help, the OT can arrange for some short-term care ... probably only for the first few days in a case like this, until they were confident she was capable to continue on her own. They wouldn't be standing for any nonsense, and would encourage her to be doing things for herself. She obviously told the OT at the hospital that she had someone to help her out for a few days ... YOU!

As others have said, don't stand for anymore nonsense. She needs to be encouraged to things for herself, otherwise, if she sits back letting someone else do all the work, she'll never regain a normal level of mobility. She needs to keep moving!

You absolutely don't need to be doing all things she's expecting of you! My dad had 5 knee replacements (yes, 5, some had to be re-done due to complications!), and he still made every effort to do everything for himself.

At the very most, it should be OK for her brother/sister/niece to take a turn to just pop in once a day to check on her, and to see if she's anything. After the first week, she could simply call someone if she needs something, or just do her shopping online.

I would say "a few days" means about three or four days, not a week - and certainly not a month. A few days is what you were asked to do and that is what you have done. It is totally unreasonable for your sister in law to just to expect you to drop everything to give her more assistance. You have already done a great deal. And, as others have said, many people have these sorts of ops and manage quite well with minimal support.

I think, in the nicest possible way, you need to put her straight.

Me neither.

Or me

It doesn't sound like that to me.

1summer

My SIL - who is a widow and both her children live abroad asked me a few weeks ago to stay with her for a few days after her op. I must admit I was totally naive as I do not know anyone who has had a TKR.
I took her to the hospital last Monday and then had to collect her on Wednesday evening, I wasn’t warned about the amount of kit she had to bring home really struggled in my little car.
I stayed with her for 3 nights and she had organised a very good quality blow up bed to sleep on downstairs, but she expected me to sleep on a very uncomfortable leather sofa.
I didn’t realise the extent that I was going to be her carer, helping washing, going to toilet,helping exercising, organising tablets, cooking, cleaning etc.
By Saturday morning I was exhausted but she knew I had to go home to organise my daughters baby shower yesterday. She had asked a friend to stay the weekend but from today her friend looks after grandchildren.
I was a bit shocked she was expecting me back today and said it would be for at least a month!
I cannot go today as I look after my granddaughter but she has said about 6pm fine to get her dinner and stay night!
But as I wasn’t expecting this I have plans for for my week which will be difficult to cancel.
AIBU to say I cannot do this, on one hand I feel guilty but also resentful I have to do this. She has a brother and sister who live nearby and are not interested in looking after her. Her niece lives around the corner from her and has said she can call in once a day.

It sounds to me like you are implying that because she is an in law you don’t think she “deserves” the same level of care an actual sibling would get.

To me it shouldn’t be about blood but about the seriousness of the surgery. Aren’t in laws supposed to be family as well once married?

I live independently and planned in advance before I had both TKRs at different times. I had organised a weekly cleaner and the same person changed my bedding weekly. I could pop items in washing machine but I could not hang stuff outdoors for a few weeks.

I did online shopping and the driver brought everything to my kitchen so I unpacked at my leisure.

Many meals were microwavable, either pre-made and frozen by me or "off the shelf".

I was allowed to shower- I used a stool I bought via Amazon. It took me ages but I was not going anywhere!

Commom sense and planning ahead. You should go home and rest, she will never get better if she does zilch.

1summer

Thank you for all your very clear advice. I have agreed to go tonight but will say this is probably my last night.
I think me doing everything for her is not helping. She can get to the downstairs toilet on her crutches so why do I have to stay overnight.
She still hasn’t managed her stairs although the hospital told her not to sleep downstairs. I have gone through her exercises a number of times, she must be able to do them on her own.
I will offer to get half a dozen microwave meals that she can manage herself.
It will have to be enough, otherwise she will have to have carers.

I think you’ve done more than enough and hope your chat this evening makes that clear.

I had a TKR.. Before discharge I had to prove I could go up and down the stairs.
She might need a little help to pre plan a few things. Perhaps a stool in the bathroom and one in the kitchen to perch on. She can't have a shower until her stitches are out or have dissolved, if she has a couple of grabbers it amazing how much you can do with them, especially helping to dress. She would also been shown how to get into bed pre discharged, tbh she should be okay.
She just needs to ask other members of the family to pop in to see if she needs some shopping etc , in a few weeks she will be good to go.

Your sister -in-law will go on bullying you for as long as you allow her. I cannot believe she expects you to look after her for a month! Tell her firmly tonight is the last night; get in some instant meals for the next few days and tell her to prepare a plan of how she will manage.
It is tough managing on your own but plenty of us do it and she will have to learn.
Say you will call by before the weekend and GO.

I think you have done your bit. I had a thr last June and went home to manage on my own. I honestly would have preferred a few more days I hospital but was discharged and that was it. I was super organised before I went into have the op, read as much as I could about what I could do to enable me to cope on my own and I did manage. I know that a tkr is trickier but the fact that I just had to get on with things definitely helped my recovery - if I wanted a drink, something to eat, etc I just had to do it. Perhaps you need to have a serious talk with sil and see what help other family members or her local authority could provide.

I would tell her if I hadn’t planned to come back as she had asked you to stop for a few day, which you did. I wouldn't be able to sleep on a couch and she would have been looking after me. Ask her to ask her sister and brother. She has taken a lot for granted and should have had a care package.

I too have recently has TKR. As a PP said I couldn't be discharged from hospital until I had proven I could walk up and down stairs (using one crutch). I was also expected to wash and use the toilet independently before being discharged - 3 days. I am fortunate in that my husband has retired but he is still out the house a fair bit doing what he usually does. I am now pretty self sufficient after 5 weeks apart from driving. Could your SIL order frozen ready meals from one of the companies that specialise in them. It may be that your SIL is struggling emotionally rather than on a practical level. It is a complex surgical procedure that may have taken its toll on her more than she expected. I’m not sure what support would be available for her on an emotional level though unless she has a physio who can reassure her that she can and should do things on her own and this will develop her confidence.

Yes, unless she is very frail / disabled she is certainly taking advantage of you.
I had both my knees done , 6 months apart and able to do most everything with a little bit of thought and alteration.
Give her a few ideas on how to make things easier for herself and leave her to it now.

I suspect that your SIL thought that after a couple of days she would be ok.
I can imagine that she has lost any confidence she once had in getting up and down stairs, it’s not a small op and everyone reacts differently to the anaesthetic and the medication ( which can be confusing with different pills and the timings)
I looked after MissOops after she had her knees done and she was in a lot of pain, fortunately we are in a bungalow so we didn’t have the stairs. I had to do a chart to keep her pill timings straight.
It’s a shame that you cant look after her but could you organise her pills and food or arrange for someone else to do it for her for a few more days?
I’m sure she will be grateful.