I think you have to consider your own needs and ask yourself some hard questions:
Is this relationship right for me?
Does he make me happy?
Do I want to move in with him?
What will our future be like together?
Will there ever be harmony in our relationship? If not am I prepared to spend the rest of my life like this.
I hope that this helps and that you find a way forward.
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AIBU
Is it me or am I getting mixed messages
(67 Posts)Hello
I am feeling a bit upset and would like some opinions.
Me and my bf have been going through a bit of a tough patch. I havent really trusted him due to my own past isues and vowed to make things right and I have been and have been trusting and things have been great.
One thing he keeps telling me is that I am not vulnerable. He says that I need to believe him when he says he is going to do something. He says I have no patience. I do have patience but sometimes he says he will do something and months later it still isnt done. When I ask him he says "you just dont trust that I will do it" / "you're not being vulnerable".
We have spoken about moving in together and at the begining he would tell me me how much he loved me and wants to get married, have kids and live in our forever home. I feel he has taken a step back which he denies. He has alot of work needing done to his house before he sells. He said he would be looking to sell between June - Sept this year. In the meantime, we both said it would be good if I moved in while this happens. In the interim. I have agreed but said I didnt want to live there forever. The home isnt suitable for us both and our pets and what we want to do - think old house in the middle of nowhere - no garden space and isnt suitable for my dog. He agreed that it isnt suitable for us.
Recently, he has been saying alot that he can't wait til we live together. When I say to him, me too, when can I move in - lets settle a date.. he then gets annoyed "it doesnt work like that, you need to tell me what you need in order to move in before you move in - people you work towards dates arent practical people". I then told him a while ago, in order for me to move in, I need a few more drawers at his house and some rail space (he has a huge rail in a seperate bedroom for his clothes). He agreed. Last night, I asked if we can pick a date, he got angry and said no... and repeated the date stuff again. He then said i need to tell him what I need. I said that I did and then he got annoyed "you havent said which room you want to put your stuff in, you havent said where you want your clothes to go" - I said I need some space and it is his place to tell me where I can put my stuff, in his house.
Last night I said I wanted to talk more about moving in as he works from home and i need to think about the commute and the living arrangements for my dog so its good for her. He agreed. I then asked if he can guarantee the house will be on the market at the end of the year he said he didnt know but thats the plan. I then said that we both agreed I would move in for a little while not for a year or two. He got angry and said that it might be next spring. I said that's okay, but can you guarantee that and he said no. I am asking him to guarantee things he isnt in control of. He then said that he is saving alot of money to fix his house and I am adding pressure. I asked how. He said that all I want to do is spend money and he simply cannot afford to do both - i.e. keep me happy with plans and work on his house. I said that wasnt the case and that I wanted to discuss this more so if there is plans we need to cut back on, we will. He then said we will have no time to talk about this - I said why cant we make the time? He then got arsy and said that I am wanting details of his spending. I then said about spending money, and highlighted that I wanted to see a theatre show, which he said he would buy tickets for. When looking at prices, he said, "oh for that price, lets price up london, travel down for a night or two and book a hotel". I said I would be happy leaving that if it's going to be an additional cost so it isnt me pushing for money, it is him sometimes. He then snapped "well, we wont go then, will we!". I asked repeatedly why he was being like this and that It feels like he is blowing hot and cold. He then had to rush off saying "I am going to be late, will you please let me leave" - so I did and he said "speak later". an hour later, I called him to say why this conversation had upset me (he lives an hour away, by the way). He answered and said sorry, I just went for a sleep before my 11am meeting. I then said "I thought you had to rush away and I was making you late, late for what? Have you been sleeping this whole time" he then said "no I fucking havent been!" - "I then said "dont get annoyed, I am asking you a question" and then he hung up. This was 4 hours ago and he wont answer any calls.
I guess I don’t know where I stand. I think hanging up on someone is really disrespectful. I have told him this. I said if he needs to cool off or wants space he should tell me this. I said I hate that he hangs up and leaves me hanging for hours.
What do you think?
Please don’t just say end things. I am looking for opinions?
Thanks everyone. Thank you Bluebell & Bea65
Thanks Judy that is very helpful .
I will consider each of these
As things are so volatile between you, wouldn’t it be better to go back on the pill and postpone, for a very long time, any thoughts of having a baby together?
I think you might be right
he finally got in touch with me - didnt apologise or anything.
I said we need to discuss if this is actually right.
I'm a great believer in not forcing relationships - whether it be work, friends, partners, if it doenst work, dont push it.
I have had a realisation today that I dont want a partner who avoids conflict and will happy ignore me for hours on end. I love him but he goes from extrems. When things are good he is telling me he is lucky that he loves me, cant wait to marry me etc. after one arguement he tells me I make him miserable and that I am not right in the head and need to be vulnarable
my feelings towards him neever change. He frustrates me at times but I woudnt say one day I am the happiest and then he makes my life a misery. thanks for your time.
DancingQueeny1111
older and wiser and sometimes mumsnet is quite toxic.
You mean they tell you what you don’t want to hear 🤷♀️
If you move into his house - what rights will you have if it doesn't work out and you split up?
Moving in with someone is a big step and something that really needs to be given a lot of thought.
ive had a realisation today that I don’t want a partner that avoids conflict
Good luck with that one. Most Adults avoid conflict. It’s sounds to me as if you enjoy conflict. If you keep going with that one you might end up with someone who gives you a reaction your not expecting.
The answer to that, Dickens, is none at all. I cannot imagine why a woman in this situation would be considering becoming pregnant and stopping her contraception. To bring a child into this situation would be the height of irresponsibility. If the situation is real, of course.
Your bf sounds like a manipulator to me, blowing hot and cold. He won't change so run for the hills.
....and you're actually considering having a baby in the middle of all this??
OP, if your post is genuine you should run a mile from each other.
The relationship you describe sounds totally unworkable long term, or even short term.
At this stage of a healthy relationship, things between you should be as close to perfect as they are ever going to be, and it is completely unrealistic to imagine that they will improve if and when you live together - things don't work like that.
All those problems that you are already having in the relationship will be just the tip of the iceberg and IMO things will go rapidly downhill if you do actually move in together.
I suggest you dont waste any more time looking for answers. I know you didn't want people to tell you to 'end things', but I'm sorry, IMO that really is the only sensible thing to do.
I dare say many of us on GNet have "been there and done that" ... in other words, our life experiences tell us that this relationship will go nowhere. Where is the romance in all this? Is there any spark between you? Everything just sounds like disagreements and hard work. And you should never bring a child into this world without stability, love and the ability to care for him/her for the next 20 years. If you don't think you can do that don't even think about it.
If you really believe you have a future with this guy,then I would suggest couple counselling.This would help you both talk things through and hopefully come to some sort of compromise.If he isn,t keen then do it yourself. I hope this helps and good luck going forward!
GSM quite. If …
Have you considered speaking to your mum? She knows you, knows how you were raised, and knows what is your moral structure.
Apart from that, perhaps "never complain or explain" that seems to work.
He is as he is and you can't change him. He does not like to be nagged so stop nagging him.
From a practical point of view, if the old house in the middle of nowhere is not suitable for your dog, you can't move there.
You seem to be dependent on him doing the work whatever it is, so why not ask him if you can do it? Are you any use at DIY? can you afford the dog- proof fence or whatever it is you need?
If you want him for keeps, for your own sake, lay off him.
oh dear, one of those threads!
Germanshepherdsmum
The answer to that, Dickens, is none at all. I cannot imagine why a woman in this situation would be considering becoming pregnant and stopping her contraception. To bring a child into this situation would be the height of irresponsibility. If the situation is real, of course.
This
He is procrastinating. The point being, you could throw caution to the wind and move in tonight if that is something you both wanted.
Don't imagine a baby will fix this, because he can walk away from all of it, baby included, if he so feels.
Try MN
Good luck though!
MN ——- LTB
DancingQueeny1111
maybe this was the wrong platform to reach out on. I dont really have many friends or family around me and wanted to speak to someone about this. I am sorry for my long post and for wasting anyones time.
If you have taken the time to read and have commented, thank you.
maybe this was the wrong platform to reach out on
It probably is, I think.
Mumsnetters might have some good suggestions for you.
I’ve thought about your post on and off today.
I would like to know, this. If someone else had posted a post with all the problems you mentioned their current partner, his attitude towards them and how he makes them feel, what would have been your response?
What would you advise them to do?
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