Elderly fellow gran has become loudly racist

Mincub

To be honest, you either accept her or you don’t. I have had the most horrendous racist remarks all my life, from childhood onwards and I’m never surprised where it comes from, people who call themselves the pillar of the community when they find out, are the most vicious and those who say I could never be like that are the ones who have become the worst. Even members of my own family have been horrendous name callers. You never get used to it, and you either become very loud and staunch and defending, or you shrink away and try to become invisible. To be honest, you can fight the battle with her but it wont stop and she won’t change, and in reality the truth is it doesnt matter, it really doesnt because for every one that’s won over there are half a dozen who still see us as dirty filthy lying so and so’s.

Gosh, I'm so sorry mincub, I honestly thought such stuff had practically disappeared but obviously not. How dreadful for you.

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

You could make a little sign saying ‘sorry my friend has dementia’ and hold it up when she starts 😐

Just meet her in a non public place like one of your houses. It sounds like dementia to me. When we were young there was a fair bit of anti Semitism around ( and anti lots of other people,too) so perhaps she has ‘ reverted’ back to her childhood!

It could be a medical problem. I never heard my Dad swear in his life until he was very ill with prostate cancer. He cursed and sweared at the carers and was very rude to an Asian nurse when she came to the house. It was all very out of character. I suppose the cancer had reached his brain. 😕

Stick to meeting her in her home if you want to keep the friendship. If she says why tell her directly even if you have to keep repeating it.

Sheila11

You could make a little sign saying ‘sorry my friend has dementia’ and hold it up when she starts 😐

Seriously 🤦🏼‍♀️

suelld

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

I’m sorry, but the fact that these terms have stayed with you means you are racist

I would only meet her in private spaces..It is really unpleasant to overhear racist comments as I did recently on a bus.. I was really shocked at how loudly this middle aged man was speaking them.. racism clearly is still very much alive..

Simply don’t meet her out anymore. And when she asks why tell her, in very blunt terms. You don’t say how old she is it age is not an excuse anyway. If she was a child during the war she should know better. She says stuff again, wherever that may be perhaps you should tell her you hadn’t realised she was a fan of Hitlers!! Disliking someone because of their religion or race is simply wrong in my opinion.

If she’s all checked out and no UTIs, I’d suggest she has her hearing checked and I probably wouldn’t see her again, but I’d have to let her know, very clearly, why. Good luck

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

I'd go round to hers.
Sorted.

Spuddy

I'd dump her quick, you don't need that type of toxic in your life.

My mother in law developed alzheimer's
And became very blunt with comments.
It's an illness.

Yep.
Could happen to any of us.

Tenko

suelld

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

I’m sorry, but the fact that these terms have stayed with you means you are racist

No it doesn’t … I wouldn’t dream of using such a term to a PERSON. I have lots of black, Asian, Welsh and Jewish friends, and in fact friends who I have no idea what their origins are, they are FRIENDS and people.
The fact that I refer to a TOY as a Golliwog which is what was used back in history when books and Marmalades, etc, referred to them as such, merely means I was born a long time ago and such things were ‘normal’ then. The fact that now we see that this was wrong doesn’t change the fact that this was HISTORY.
Tearing down monuments to Slave traders doesn’t change the fact that they existed… cancel culture is Wrong , it merely HIDES the fact that all this racism existed… and still exists! I would agree with you if I referred to a person as a Golly, or worse, but how dare you put the label racist on an elderly person who still loved her old toy…and her old books. Look what they are doing to Roald Dahls, Jane Austen’s and other books nowadays…sacrilege! Woke my A***!

My very elderly father has always been a racist and has recently proudly informed my daughter and her partner of the fact. He never ever says anything in my presence as my stock reply is “you do realise that you said that out loud?” Have to say that this is after many many times of trying actively to change his views. I’ve had to accept that huge does not want to change.

Drop her entirely would be my solution.

Even in the (unlikely?) event of these remarks being caused by dementia, do you really want to be seen in public with someone stating these views in loud clear tones?

It is unlikely that you can change this person, or any other racist by contradicting them in public. what you can perhaps change is your own and others' attitudes to racists by refusing to be seen with them, or to enter into any behaviour that could be seen as excusing or condoning their views in public.

those are racists terms, as you must surely know Suelld, and highly offensive.
there is no need to write or utter them.
as to the dolls, you are not writing a history book.
you could refer to them as gollys, which is slightly less offensive.
why did you never challenge your friend on her terminology; it's no excuse to say those were the standards terms of her youth.
rubbish. they were always highly offensive.
if she moved in circles where they were often used, and accepted, that says a lot about her.
and it's not good.

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

No, there is not. What I am glad to see and be counted amongst is the lot of people who were decently brought up and taught not to make ill-natured or offensive remarks about the groups of society that they themselves do not belong to.

Illness is not, and never should be accepted as an excuse for rudeness. It may be the reason, but we do not have to put up with bad behaviour in public, or in private.

grandtanteJE65

greenlady102

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

No, there is not. What I am glad to see and be counted amongst is the lot of people who were decently brought up and taught not to make ill-natured or offensive remarks about the groups of society that they themselves do not belong to.

Illness is not, and never should be accepted as an excuse for rudeness. It may be the reason, but we do not have to put up with bad behaviour in public, or in private.

Do you not realise that they will have no control over it?....better hope it never happens to you and your friends all dump you! I agree that it may be better to avoid public meetings or to keep them short but "we do not have to put up with" is plain cruel in those circumstances

Probably it depends on how close you have been to the person? You don't dump someone close if they are ill but you might make decisions about where and how to see them.

My partner has become like this over Muslims. Usually it's in the house, when watching the News, but his own grandson has converted to Islam and married a Muslim woman. We don't go out much.

I don't understand how a person who considers themselves well-educated can be like this, and I find it very difficult, having been in a professional role where this kind of remark is not acceptable. He has been tested for dementia but they say his brain is "clear". So perhaps it's just a blood-sugar problem.

The "deafness" is also a problem; we can't have a conversation in public because I have to shout and then he shouts back. I visited him in hospital on Monday and he could hear me clearly, even with other things going on around us.

I'd be worried to be out with her because if someone overhears that you could find yourself attacked along with her. And my first thought was Picks dementia (as opposed to Alzheimers)

i only recently realised that a lot of people in my social circle, in the past and present i did not really like very much! In workplaces ,groups, places of work, it is often the norm, but friends?