Elderly fellow gran has become loudly racist

Tenko

suelld

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

I’m sorry, but the fact that these terms have stayed with you means you are racist

No it doesn’t … I wouldn’t dream of using such a term to a PERSON. I have lots of black, Asian, Welsh and Jewish friends, and in fact friends who I have no idea what their origins are, they are FRIENDS and people.
The fact that I refer to a TOY as a Golliwog which is what was used back in history when books and Marmalades, etc, referred to them as such, merely means I was born a long time ago and such things were ‘normal’ then. The fact that now we see that this was wrong doesn’t change the fact that this was HISTORY.
Tearing down monuments to Slave traders doesn’t change the fact that they existed… cancel culture is Wrong , it merely HIDES the fact that all this racism existed… and still exists! I would agree with you if I referred to a person as a Golly, or worse, but how dare you put the label racist on an elderly person who still loved her old toy…and her old books. Look what they are doing to Roald Dahls, Jane Austen’s and other books nowadays…sacrilege! Woke my A***!

Yep.
Could happen to any of us.

Spuddy

I'd dump her quick, you don't need that type of toxic in your life.

My mother in law developed alzheimer's
And became very blunt with comments.
It's an illness.

I'd go round to hers.
Sorted.

there are a lot of judgemental people on here! A sudden change in behaviour like this should ALWAYS trigger thoughts of stroke, dementia or infection.

If she’s all checked out and no UTIs, I’d suggest she has her hearing checked and I probably wouldn’t see her again, but I’d have to let her know, very clearly, why. Good luck

Simply don’t meet her out anymore. And when she asks why tell her, in very blunt terms. You don’t say how old she is it age is not an excuse anyway. If she was a child during the war she should know better. She says stuff again, wherever that may be perhaps you should tell her you hadn’t realised she was a fan of Hitlers!! Disliking someone because of their religion or race is simply wrong in my opinion.

I would only meet her in private spaces..It is really unpleasant to overhear racist comments as I did recently on a bus.. I was really shocked at how loudly this middle aged man was speaking them.. racism clearly is still very much alive..

suelld

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

I’m sorry, but the fact that these terms have stayed with you means you are racist

Sheila11

You could make a little sign saying ‘sorry my friend has dementia’ and hold it up when she starts 😐

Seriously 🤦🏼‍♀️

Stick to meeting her in her home if you want to keep the friendship. If she says why tell her directly even if you have to keep repeating it.

It could be a medical problem. I never heard my Dad swear in his life until he was very ill with prostate cancer. He cursed and sweared at the carers and was very rude to an Asian nurse when she came to the house. It was all very out of character. I suppose the cancer had reached his brain. 😕

Just meet her in a non public place like one of your houses. It sounds like dementia to me. When we were young there was a fair bit of anti Semitism around ( and anti lots of other people,too) so perhaps she has ‘ reverted’ back to her childhood!

You could make a little sign saying ‘sorry my friend has dementia’ and hold it up when she starts 😐

My best friend, who died about 7 years ago now, aged 91, was VERY deaf. She wasn’t racist, quite the opposite, and definitely didn’t have dementia, had friends of all races, colours, genders and creeds, but as a person of that age she often used the standard terms for ‘foreigners’ that she always had from her youth. Japanese were ‘ shanty eyes’ , blacks were ‘wogs’ , etc etc, She was quite ‘posh’ and had a loud voice. It was often embarrassing to go to a restaurant with her, where her ‘asides’ meant only for me were actually broadcast across the room.
In one eatery ( we live in Wales! But we had both lived here for over half a century plus, we’re both English born) there was a particularly obnoxious Welsh group nearby with kids running all over the place, dad and mum ignoring their behaviour just drinking and shouting at each other. My friend whispered “ Welsh Peasants! ” to me…not realising it was broadcast across the restaurant ….! I wanted to hide even tho her attribution was apposite! My eldest son married a Japanese girl, we all went out to Japan and she loved the place and the people, but they were still ‘slanty-eyes’ to her, cos that was what they had been referred to during the war! I’m nearly 80 and still refer to Golliwog toys as Golliwogs! I’m not racist but these learned patterns / names stay with us!

Mincub

To be honest, you either accept her or you don’t. I have had the most horrendous racist remarks all my life, from childhood onwards and I’m never surprised where it comes from, people who call themselves the pillar of the community when they find out, are the most vicious and those who say I could never be like that are the ones who have become the worst. Even members of my own family have been horrendous name callers. You never get used to it, and you either become very loud and staunch and defending, or you shrink away and try to become invisible. To be honest, you can fight the battle with her but it wont stop and she won’t change, and in reality the truth is it doesnt matter, it really doesnt because for every one that’s won over there are half a dozen who still see us as dirty filthy lying so and so’s.

Gosh, I'm so sorry mincub, I honestly thought such stuff had practically disappeared but obviously not. How dreadful for you.

Don't meet up with her then you won't feel embarrassed, easy
peasy.

I'd not meet her any more. Life is far too short to spend time with someone who causes anxiety and embarrassment.

To be honest, you either accept her or you don’t. I have had the most horrendous racist remarks all my life, from childhood onwards and I’m never surprised where it comes from, people who call themselves the pillar of the community when they find out, are the most vicious and those who say I could never be like that are the ones who have become the worst. Even members of my own family have been horrendous name callers. You never get used to it, and you either become very loud and staunch and defending, or you shrink away and try to become invisible. To be honest, you can fight the battle with her but it wont stop and she won’t change, and in reality the truth is it doesnt matter, it really doesnt because for every one that’s won over there are half a dozen who still see us as dirty filthy lying so and so’s.

RosesandLilac

My mother became like your friend but absolutely no dementia involved, it was more like she lost any level of social niceties and really didn’t care less. I actually stopped taking her out because she was so opinionated and bigoted.
It’s very hard to deal with, I sympathise but I would avoid meeting her in public.

that sounds like an undiagnosed stroke to me. I have seen it often in my (now retired) professional work in the NHS. When my late mum had a scan for a suspected stroke they found evidence of two previous ones, happily she hadn't been hugely affected by them.

Tell her if she mentions it again you can no longer be in her company.

I'd dump her quick, you don't need that type of toxic in your life.

My lovely neighbour, diagnosed with Altzheimers several years ago, has absolutely no filter now and says outrageous things and is obsessed with men’s legs. We just ignore her comments but it is difficult, and very hard for her DH. No good telling her she can’t say something because she will have forgotten that she has done so.

My mother became like your friend but absolutely no dementia involved, it was more like she lost any level of social niceties and really didn’t care less. I actually stopped taking her out because she was so opinionated and bigoted.
It’s very hard to deal with, I sympathise but I would avoid meeting her in public.

Thank you all again. I never knew there were all these possibilities. You have given me some backbone in what felt like an impossible situation.