Father's hearing loss - won't wear aids

My husband started wearing his when I got some NHS ones myself. My hearing loss was only minimal but when he saw how well I was coping he decided they weren't so bad after all.
What bliss to have a quiet TV!

My family reached the end of their tethers and made an appointment for me to have my hearing tested. The upshot: I've been wearing my aids for over a year now and don't have the TV turned up loud any more. The aids are not conspicuous and as it turns out, I've found that a lot of other people my age (80+) are wearing them and I'd never noticed them before!

Fidelity2 They should do. DD used to do them. Her first 'live' sub titling was the 6.00am Ulster local news. She admitted defeat over one interview an Irish farmer with an impenetrable accent who managed to speak without moving his mouth, so no chance of lip reading, but otherwise she regularly subtitled the BBC news.

If they have stopped doing it is because the tv companies were constantly trying to drive the cost of proper sub-titling down, doing less training etc, using less qualified staff, paying lower wages. This was why DD left the job and went and did something else instead

Thanks for mentioning subtitles. I had forgotten about them ! They don't use subtitles on BBC news unfortunately. I wonder why ?

Yes we do use sub titles sometimes - but not always - he has become very stubborn!

Thankyou Caleo, I appreciate our response. I think after 50 years of marriage we will ride the storm !! difficult as it is . He is now 85- a good few years younger than me . We are fortunate in having two sitting rooms!!! I am normally a very patient women but this has really got to me . Thank you for reading -

Shelflife, I understand how annoying it is when a little bit of cooperation from one individual makes life so much easier for all concerned, especially a spouse . It's easy for me to say. Would it be a help to keep a notebook and pen and write things down when your husband fails to understand what is being said?

You have no duty to shout . Must you accompany him to the shops?
If you stop trying so hard to talk sense to him the penny will drop that he should learn to use the hearing aids .
I sincerely hope your marriage survives this latest challenge.

The TV---has anyone suggested subtitles yet?

It was some years ago, but my ex refused to wear his NHS ones, as they were so cumbersome.

He got some privately, totally different, and he’s always worn them, so perhaps it’s the type of aid?

I have have hearing aids supplied by the Nation Health Services and also get batteries for them. They are not comfortable to wear, so now I live alone I don't bother with them. Just turn the television up to the volume I can hear comfortable with!

Caleo , I understand where you are coming from and your son is doing very well. I dealt well with a parent in this situation - no problem! However when it is a partner or spouse it is a whole different ball game. I don't find our situation in the heast amusing, on the contrary I am annoyed that my DH thinks I am selfish , but I am exhausted with his constant inability to hear. He can't hear the people on the tills in a supermarket, he can't hear a waiter in a restaurant or the person behind a bar he can't speak on the phone. he can't converse with friends and family. When in public I have to repeat in a loud voice what has been said to him - even then he does not always hear me! So if I am honest it is damaging a 50 year old marriage and I fear I am becoming reluctant to tell him any thing . The response I get is " say that again " " speak up" ' can't hear you " "pardon" " what was that" " speak clearly" it is always my fault . and so it goes on relentlessly day after day after day!!!? Certainly no fun for either of us. He was eventually persuaded to get hearing aids - but refuses to wear them . I have offered to go back with him to where he bought them but he flatly refused to go - I give up. So sad it has come to this.

Sincere apologies Monica , I was addressing Tararh!!? My mistake .

Your father seems a lot easier to live with than your mother! Poor man! I do understand that his deafness does not bother him due to his reclusive nature. Is their home big enough for each of them to have separate sitting rooms?
I wonder if your father would respond to sign language from you. I am deaf , and lazy about my hearing aids ; my son always makes a T sign when he asks me if I want a cup of tea. My sons also tease me when I misunderstand which is quite fun for all concerned.

Hang on, nothing to do with me - my father died nearly 20 years ago.

Monica , you are in an impossible position! I hate to say this but your father is the only one to ' blame ' for this! I know he is elderly and may or may not be heading down the dementia road. Your Mum is coping with huge stress. Unless people have lived with someone who has significant hearing loss they have no idea of the enormity of the situation!! The constant repeating , TV blasting out , having to raise your voice to such a level that at times you are shouting!!! , the misunderstandings that occur- the list goes on and even the most placid ' victim' will be resentful. Sadly your Mum may eventually feel the need to distance herself emotionally - it's called self preservation! Is it possible to have a word with one of his friends or a neighbour who might broach the issue with him? Whatever happens I wish you and your Mum a satisfactory outcome. If you suspect dementia he needs to see his GP ( not easy I know) and have a dementia assessment. Please forgive your Mum if she appears harsh - she is not in a good place. It's hell!! When the person simply will not address the issue. When I noticed my DH becoming forgetful I pushed for POA, that is now in place thank goodness!!! I wish you all well , take action if you can to have an memory assessment for your father, I know that is very difficult because of patient confidentiality but illustrates why POA is very necessary. Good luck 🤞

Oh my goodness, that could be my late parents!
My hearing has suffered, and I have an aid in one ear, and I'm very diligent in wearing it, knowing it's not fair on others to not use it. Nowadays they're quite discreet and barely noticeable too, however, it may be he's looking for a reason not to communication with your mother, sorry yo be blunt but if their relationship is as you say, there might ve more to it.

Sorry to hear all this, I know it's difficult x

Bump

I’m with sister. Leave Dad alone. Stay out of it. Your mother has helped to escalate the stand-off and tension… but it’s between them.

As for Mother she will lean heavily on you and keep up the unpleasant rhetoric, I’m sure. You’re in a tough spot, especially if she’s only doing it to you and not your sister.

A man can be as stubborn if not more so than a woman 😆, over issues like this. If the hearing aids are big and unsightly maybe a more upgraded style (almost invisible!) is something he should look at. He should also talk to an audio Dr one-on-one for understanding and support.

Work with your sister to figure out a supportive front. Hang tight! Mom has to shhh 🤫 🤐

I can totally understand your situation. I wear 2 aids and my husband calls me selfish when I ask to put the tv volume down. I say things 3 times and by then I am shouting and we get into an argument. My daughter completely understands the situation and when she asks for the tv to be lowered he swears and turns it off. But….. happy day he has just bought 2 aids at home today!!!!! This is only after asking him for 6 years. He’s 89 and loosing some of his memory and I’m 81 and was loosing my temper but no one can say I’m a nag, as he does as I think 7 years of waiting is a life time. So go gently tell him
all the information given here and possibly add that he is being a wee bit selfish to your mother and the immediate family due to the frustration his deafness is causing everyone . Good luck

My grandpa went quite deaf as he had worked in a weaving mill long before the days of ear defenders being supplied. When he visited my mum's house the TV was turned up horribly loud and I went to stay and turned it on and it was set painfully loud. His refusal to have hearing aids meant that his wife's hearing was eventually affected! Sadly I've no advice to offer. My Nana was a very tolerant woman! Other than this he was a lovely man.

My MiL became very deaf and was given hearing aids. She refused to wear them because she said they sounded as if there was a Australian soap opera in her head! (I wasn't aware that she'd ever seen an Australian soap opera) As she was in a home I left the unfortunate staff to cope with endlessly repeating things she hadn't heard. While DH was still alive I was wearing varifocals and hearing aids. His attitude was that it was no use showing me things because wearing glasses showed I couldn't see properly. Naturally the hearing aids meant that if I didn't hear him it was because I deaf and not because he was always mumbling. It was an interesting way of looking at things.

It does seem like men are the worst culprits for not wearing them - although my F-i-L wore his all the time & my M-i-L's lived in the drawer - is it because of their hairstyles? I've worn mine since I was 18 but always had long hair & when I had it cut short a couple of years ago, I did feel a bit self -concious about them.The positive is that people realise I can't hear & don't get offended if I don't reply or acknowledge them if I'm not looking their way.

I struggle to understand why people are embarrassed to wear hearing aids.
I struggle to understand why people who clearly don't care much about each other manage to stay married.
I struggle to understand why anyone would try to deal with parents like this and not get themselves, or their parents, some help.

I was the same, didn't want to wear hearing aids - not because of how they look, but I was angry that my body failed me. I thought it wasn't fair, so I refused to give in. Like you could say to your ears : naughty ears, I command you to hear like you're supposed to. I'm 66 and wearing hearing aids since a year. Conversations with several people, like dining with our children and grandchildren, became very difficult. I heard the sounds but couldn't understand the words. Usually after a few minutes i gave up. Then had my hearing tested. Came out I lost nearly half of my hearing, mostly the high tones. It's hereditary in my family, so I was not surprised. Very happy with my hearing aids now. To my grandchildren I explain I have tiny computers in and over my ears, so they can't splash water over my head. They are impressed by the computer-part 😅

It would appear to be more of a problem with men. My husband is the same - he will not wear his hearing aid (he really needs two). He insists that his hearing is fine and that he doesn’t want to look “old.” He’s nearly 66, for goodness’ sake. I am several years younger than he is and have had problems with my ears most of my life. I have worn hearing aids for a while now and love them. Admittedly, I have fairly long hair, but my aids are visible from time to time and I really don’t care.

Men and hearing aids! I can empathise as DH refuses to acknowledge he may need one but he does have significant hearing loss of higher sounds. It is frustrating but he says I speak too quietly. If I speak more loudly he tells me not to shout. 🙄

Could your father afford a private consultation and a more discreet hearing aid?
Some firms will come to your house to carry out an examination.