7yr Granddaughter, how to handle separation anxiety with compassion and not be a martyr to it at the same time

Go with the flow. I'll bet that once her Mum and Dad are out of the way she might begin to feel more interested in going to yours - especially if you have something fun lined up - I am sure you can organise something that is worth 10 minutes in the car! - paddling pool?

Oh dear your poor GD and you. It does seem that she’s suffering from anxiety if she’s worried about a ten minute drive and then to say she doesn’t want to go in either car. If it’s a ten minute car drive is it too far to walk ?
I think depending how your feeling I would go with what your GD wants on this occasion. Maybe she’s worried about the tummy issues and feels more comfortable at home. You may find she’ll get bored and change her mind once she’s settled. Good luck.

Can your DH go with you, and help out, even if he returns home in the evening say, if you only live nearby?

That's a tricky one, because obviously you can't just put her in your car against her will. I'm not bring facetious, but is there a bus nearby that you could go out for a ride somewhere instead? Or a train? It's less confined than a car.

Why not suggest walking, using a bus if possible or even a taxi!!!!
Travelling via a different method may spark her interest.😊

I’d just walk if she won’t go in the car hopefully she will change her mind.

Bless her she is clearly stressed, but you have my sympathy. You are not too well and the prospect of being cooped up in a small house with a 7 year old is daunting. Chrons is a very distressing and debilitating condition and you GD may well have picked up on the anxiety that has enviably happened.
How about going to stay at your DD s but on the Saturday make it all about you ie " Don't know about you ' Sally' but I am a bit bored now and need a change, what can we do about that ?"
If the situation appears to be all about you rather than her refusal to go in your car or even out for a walk, it may take the pressure from her. Your GDs tummy issues are probably why she feels safer at home.
I suspect your GDs tummy problems all stem from her mum's diognosis and may take some time to be resolved. Alternatively once she is alone with you she may have a change of heart! I fully understand your worry about all this and I hope the weekend goes as well ( if not better! ) than you anticipated. Please let us know how you get on - good luck.

I would walk with her, the exercise will also help with the constipation, take a bottle of plain water with you as she may also not be drinking enough. Has she got a dolly and a dolls pram to push? She could take dolly out for a walk to your house. She will be more relaxed about going home and would likely prefer to go home by car, breaking the psychological cycle about car journeys

I am sorry that her mum has Crohn`s

Clearly very stressed and heading towards possible mental health problems if left with all these cant dos I think very gentle encouragement with a treat at the end doing something really grown up like a cake in a coffee shop after a walk or similar What about a visit to a cinema there’s lots of kids films out at the moment I think grandad should be involved abd she should go in the your car to learn that it’s safe and normal if you don’t take her in your car her phobia has won and she ll move on to the next worse one
The trouble is if you start allowing her troubles to take over you are encouraging her that the car is unsafe the cats can’t be left and the only safe place is her home then maybe her room and how many steps to agrophobia
She may need mental health help don’t be afraid to seek it out better than leaving this it will only get worse

I wonder if the real issue is a fear of needed the toilet in a hurry. If she has tummy issues her own toilet is a source of comfort to her.
It sounds like she is in real distress at present so is it the best time for her parents to go away? Maybe they need to work up to 3 nights. One night to start with!

Car sickness is awful. One of our DC and two DGC suffered.

She is feeling anxious too, Mummy unwell (Crohns is debilitating and could frighten a child). She herself has suffered from constipation resulting in hospital treatment and now Mum and Dad are going away.

She needs the security of her own home just now and might be tempted out for a walk to the park, a drink or icecream at a café etc. if it sounds like fun. I wouldn't push her, just reassure her.

Can your DH come over and help?

That’s a good point Cambsnan, 3 nights is quite a long break for a 7 year old in these circumstances, maybe one night would help her
I’d be guided by her wishes and feelings, though I sympathise with the OP. I much prefer looking after my grandchildren in my own home.

She is seven, and understandably feeling insecure.
She needs a calm, reassuring presence and a feeling that she is in control; no need to have masses of things to occupy her just simple undemanding activities, painting, cooking, puzzles, stories etc and your undivided attention for two days. You can always go out for a brief walk and perhaps Grandpa can visit during that time.

On a practical note, a child's small stool under the feet when she goes to the loo might help too.

I feel for you (and agree with Callistemon)
This sounds like a very particular situation, very soon, and I would agree with going with the flow for this weekend. When you are packing, think of yourself as well. You mustn't put you own worries on to her, but a simple 'I'm not feeling up to much either this weekend' would create a bond, possibly some sympathy from her, permission to 'slob around' a bit (pyjama day) and set a time limit.
Although it seems a shame on a nice weekend, you may just both need to watch some lovely films together. I would definitely ask them to stock up on some food items that can be fun, especially in warm weather. Maybe you could take a specific craft item or set to do.

In the longer term, this little girl need proper help with her anxieties, I hope the family can get that, and that you can help them and her.

eazybee

She is seven, and understandably feeling insecure.
She needs a calm, reassuring presence and a feeling that she is in control; no need to have masses of things to occupy her just simple undemanding activities, painting, cooking, puzzles, stories etc and your undivided attention for two days. You can always go out for a brief walk and perhaps Grandpa can visit during that time.

Added to which, she is anxious about leaving the cats on their own.

Are they indoor cats, if they have no garden?

I think the OP is in the USA. Depending where, it may not be possible to go for a walk without first getting in the car.

To be honest, given that you’re not well, and clearly neither is your granddaughter, I’d be suggesting her parents stayed home if at all possible.

She is probably using the cats as a reason to be at home and I think this is the best place for her just now. I understand her parents need a break but is this right time to go away ? Just a thought.

Siope

I think the OP is in the USA. Depending where, it may not be possible to go for a walk without first getting in the car.

To be honest, given that you’re not well, and clearly neither is your granddaughter, I’d be suggesting her parents stayed home if at all possible.

I think ClareAB is in the UK, Siope as she has posted previously.

I must be a horrible person, but my first thought on reading your post was that you were being rather 'child led'.
She's had a nasty experience with her bowel impaction issues, its a horrible experience for a child to have, so everyone's being super kind and bowing to her every whim.
Could the reason she always feels sick in your car be because she always travels in the back seat? I (still) tend to feel nauseous when travelling in the back of cars, or busses,
Don't discuss your plans - just do what you think best.
I can understand her fretting about her cats.
So go to her house and sleep over, there's nothing wrong with spending the days at yours (but how will you get there if she won't travel in your car?) just don't make an issue of it.
I do find it rather rude though, that they ask you to look after her then lay down the law as to how.

Sorry to hear about this. Have her parents discussed her anxieties with school?

The suggestion of something to put her feet on will help as will putting her knees up.
Getting her to blow bubbles also helps ( really)
Children with severe constipation can have problems leading to soiling. This might explain wanting to be near home.
A referral to a Paediatrician may be needed if it persists. Movicol may be prescribed to help.

Hope you find a solution that works for all of you.

Thank you so much for your kind and insightful ideas. I agree with you.
When I say 'no back yard' there is a tiny overgrown pocket handkerchief, which needs sorting and is unplayable/unsittable in. The cats come and go as they please.
Ironically perhaps my feelings about staying at her place are similar to hers at staying at mine at them moment. I want the security of my husband, my toilet, my bed, my dogs my comfortable sofas, a garden to sit and play in. I actually don't like staying away from home. I'm also a bit anxious as having a gastroscopy under sedation at 8.30am Fri morning, then going to look after GD from 5pm that day.
She doesn't know this as with all the stress about her poor mum, I've not told her about the tests I've been having.
I think the general consensus is spot on. It's a seven mile walk to my house, but, if her tummy is settled a bus is a great idea.
I'm going to have a look and see if there's any events local to her town which is a ten min walk away.
She loves making stuff, we've been planning a fairy garden for a while, and maybe we can start work on that. I've been collecting little bits and pieces. Poor little thing has to take 12 movicol sachets today within a 6 hour period. With that and mum, and them going away I think she's finding it all a lot. In the last couple of months she has been woken in the middle of the night, with flashing ambulance outside, paramedics upstairs, mum being taken away to hospital and granny (me) looking after in her home. I think she's scared that if she can't see Mum, Mum might disappear.
However Mum and Dad have also been through hell and this weekend is a special occasion for them, a break and a bit of fun that is months overdue.
I just wish they had a comfy sofa! In all seriousness thank you.

Callistemon213 whoops! I was confused by large backyard, which is American for garden. I do know British houses have yards too