Talking about people behind their backs

When I hear someone talking negatively about someone I know behind their back I try to stop them by saying "I've never known X to be anything but supportive/genuine/thoughtful", "You know X is a good friend of mine?" or similar. It usually stops the negativity.

If I like the couple I would go but return the favour. One woman in my group always talks negatively about a person whilst they are not there, so I know she's the same about me. However I do step in and say something like, but she's so kind and it stops her in her tracks. I don't want to listen to it.

Tuaim - are you saying you stopped going to the parties? If you liked them, and the couple, that's a shame.
The old phrase 'I speak as I find' is useful in these situations.

However, I have occasionally had feedback of this kind:
Friend: After you left the group yesterday, A started saying xxxxx
Me: Well I've never heard her talk like that
Friend: Of course you haven't! She'd never dare say anything like that in front of you!
Me: Not much I can do about that, but glad she knows she's in the wrong!

Very unpleasant indeed- just don't join in.

BTW it happens on social media too, you know .

Someone I know was busy slagging off the local MP who had moved in next to them, and I was able to say, quite genuinely, 'oh, that's sad because they speak very highly of you,' which was absolutely true They had been very helpful during their move, and afterwards. lending them things which had disappeared and accommodating furniture and 'stuff'until it could placed.
He did have the grace to look ashamed.

If they're talking about others behind their backs (either in real life or on social media), you can bet they are doing the same about you.

MissInterpreted

If they're talking about others behind their backs (either in real life or on social media), you can bet they are doing the same about you.

Yes this realisation ended a friendship. This person talked about everyone but never herself. Sometimes it is necessary to remove yourself from people.

Totally agree. I stopped being friends with someone who did this,too. It made me sick and I found it very upsetting because the person she was talking about was a mutual friend.Clearly not really her friend! She probably now thinks I am unfriendly because I go out of my way to avoid her - anyway she can talk about me now.

The garden party I am talking about was really quite petty. Comment to their faces: This chocolate cake is so delicious, you must give me the recipe. Behind their backs: the chocolate cake was too dry and they used cheap ingredients. Why? It just made me feel uncomfortable.

I was asked to give the eulogy for a friend who was, to put it mildly, volatile, a marmite person.

In my eulogy I praised her, for, as I said, she never said anything behind your back that she hadn't already said to your face. I think this a very good rule to follow.

I don’t like gossip/being judgy, we have been estranged from our adult daughter for years and know how much gossip that could cause or how judgy people could be without knowing the facts. So we don’t talk behind other peoples backs or talk about ourselves to other people, it can be highly upsetting and damaging if people get wind of something negative being said behind their backs though I know many who get a kick out of it, none of them are people I care to know.

MissInterpreted

If they're talking about others behind their backs (either in real life or on social media), you can bet they are doing the same about you.

Exactly!
Be very careful about who you open up to….

I doubt there's anyone who has NEVER talked about someone else behind their back.

Unless you all get together in a great big group, it's going to happen.

MissAdventure

I doubt there's anyone who has NEVER talked about someone else behind their back.

Unless you all get together in a great big group, it's going to happen.

True, but there are some people who make a habit out of it and who positively seem to take delight in being nasty about others behind their back, and that's the type of person I'm talking about.

My next door neighbour works with several people like that, and often comes home in tears about it all.

On the other hand: I never take note of the opinions of those for whom I have no regard. (Great Aunt Maria)

I think people who habitually talk in a negative way about others can't be very happy and I lose respect very quickly for backstabbers.

MissAdventure

I doubt there's anyone who has NEVER talked about someone else behind their back.

Unless you all get together in a great big group, it's going to happen.

True! But there is a difference between talking about someone and running them down. I will talk to a friend about another friend for example if I am worried about them in some way and want a second opinion or help to approach them, but I wont criticise anyone without it being what I have said to the person concerned! Even then it’s rare as I try to live by the maxim that you do unto others as you would have done unto you etc!

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, springs to mind. It's ungracious to accept people's generous hospitality and then slag them off afterwards!

People at work do it all the time. I'd love to be a fly on the wall to hear what they say about me!

I can't stand it from any perspective.

I'm victim of it at the moment, and it makes me feel really unwell,seeing how spiteful people can be.

When I worked in SS we shared an office with social snd admin workers. If someone came into the office they were greeted as their best friends. As soon as they left they were pulled to pieces by those same people.
I never joined in and always wondered what they said about me when I wasn't there though I really didn’t care, they were shockingly two faced and didn’t seem bothered who knew it.
It was the total hypocrisy, couldn't get my head round it.

We had that situation in my workplace, too (nhs)

My nextdoor neighbour is on the verge of leaving the nhs because of the bullying and backbiting that goes on there.

Jealous, Jealous, Jealous! I cannot stand gossip - it is so damaging, especially when talking about someone who seems generous enough to throw a big party for everyone. Whether they have more than the rest of your friends or not, there is no need for it. There will always be someone, somewhere who had more and someone somewhere who has less.