Sorry this is a long thread. We have 2 DGC, one 6 and one 3. I started doing day care 5 yrs ago, my DH was working FT but I was PT. The other GP's started with one day but struggled as they were doing 10 hr day, I was doing 11hrs. Both GP's lived about 45 mins away. They cut back childcare so my hours increased but I carried on alone. Then Covid. As soon as poss DH and I worked out how to carry on and had DC 1 day a fortnight then 1 day a week. Other GP didn't do care. Then DIL off sick with stress, then 2nd pregnancy and birth and we carried on with same day a week and extras, including overnights and long weekends. First time other GP's had eldest GC to stay was when they were 5. First time I did 2 nights was when first GC was 8 months. We also go on at least 2 hols a year with them (which we mostly pay for - we can afford it), but, with the need for GP duties we only have about 1 full week away a year on our own and then this has to be arranged to ensure one parent can have the day off. We stick to parents rules about treats etc, but other GP's buy eldest GC a toy everytime they are there, they don't look after youngest at all - they come when youngest is at nursery. They indulge eldest, buy them what they want, tell them they can do what they want. Youngest is quite forceful and rough, and both say no and argue when you try to set boundaries. Parents seem exhausted with this and don't seem to like their children much. We have just had eldest GC for a couple of days and they argued and refused to do things - clean teeth, get dressed, wanted to do something then changed their mind, then when we said ok we won't do that, had a massive meltdown. Next week we have them both for 6 days, we agreed to this last year when we thought it would be easier as they would be older, but it is worse. After the last 2 days with eldest GC when I just felt we were parenting, because it wasn't fun, I really don't want to do this but they have booked a special holiday and would be devastated if they had to cancel and other GP's would not step into help - they dip in and out as suits them, indulge the eldest GC and say that they believe the GP's are there to spoil GC. Eldest GC knows this and tells us they prefer other GP's because they can have a toy everytime they visit. I'm pretty sure my parents didn't parent my children, they just had them for fun every now and then - I worked full-time and DH was away for periods of time with his job. At first both GC where much better behaved for us, but it seems that now we spend so much time looking after them they behave just as badly for us as for their parents. AIBU not to want to do it anymore
You are definitely not being unreasonable. As someone said upthread, it's time to put your Big Girl Pants on and tell them you are not going to do so much.
I'm also concerned that the children are unsettled - and not surprised, given that they hardly see their parents. Why on earth did they have children?
Good luck.
Another tale of AC taking advantage! This level of childcare is totally unacceptable. Their children their responsibility, you have parented your own children - they must now do the same. I am speechless and posts like yours are coming up so often . Most GNs will be aware of my views on this. I did one day a week and no more unless it was an emergency. Our 6 year old is with us this weekend but it is a special treat for her and Joy for us. Tell you out AC you can no longer cope with all this childcare. It has become a job and a chore so change it now. You have the power to deal with this. Your AC are not entitled to your help , they are taking massive advantage of you. I can't believe they have put you in this
Situation. Going away on a 'special' holiday without their children beggers belief. Just say NO now.
when are they going to take you on a special holiday,
or better still, pay for you to go to a place of your choice, just the 2 of you. ??
thought not.
I think the thing is as soon as a Grandma/Grandad look after their GC for more than a couple of hours as in have them for a day every week or have them staying over then they HAVE to parent them. It won't all be lots of fun and laughter as you are infact taking the parental role as their parents are not there so in that amount of time there will be boundaries that have to be set to keep the child safe if nothing else, there will be times when you have to say 'no' to them, there will be meltdowns as kids are kids its what they do. The more you have them the more comfortable they will be with you and their behaviour may be worse which is entirely normal. If you don't want to 'parent' your GC then you have to take a step back - not look after them for whole days every week and just be the Grandma that visits whilst the parents are there - then the 'parenting' will be left to the parents and you can just play with the GC and have fun which seems to be what you're after. So more Grandma and less Grandparent. But I'm guessing this has all come about maybe due to the parents not being able to afford sending the children to nursery? Thats on them if so, they shouldn't have had children if they can't afford nursery fees etc. You can't always expect family members to be available. You will have to be honest with them and say you can't do it anymore, its too much for you, you're finding it stressful and tiring. If they are good people they will accept this and seek out other arrangements. If they're are in any way not nice about it then thats on them and they're purely being selfish. They might just think you enjoy it which is understandable if you're not telling them otherwise?
Why are you paying for their holidays and parenting their children?? Let them grow up.. and start taking responsibility for both their own lives and their children.. let them find a childminder...
My DDs in-laws have embarked on childcare for their DDs baby.
They have the baby one day a week, the other GP one day. Nursery 2 days and the parents take turns to keep baby the 5th day.
It's working OK but already the other gran was sick so their job doubled.
Having recently retired, they are both feeling a bit constrained however much they love the baby.
DD is a SAHM or I should say a working from home mum so hasn't expected either sets of DGP to cover childcare.
I'm sorry of this sounds harsh but why have they had children if they won't look after them. Work life balance is important. It seems that for the OP the balance is completely put of kilter. Come to that it's out of kilter for the children's parents too.
if this sounds not of this....
You don't know what is round the corner. What happens if your or your husband's health declines? What time have you had just enjoying time together doing things, going places without grandkids in tow? It's totally selfish of your DD and her DH to continue to think it's ok to offload THEIR kids onto you. You've done your bit raising your own kids, why should you be expected to raise theirs too but as long as you say nothing, they're not going to rock their comfortable boat are they?
I've often found that the more you do for some people, the more they expect it unfortunately
YANBU if you are finding the childcare too much. We have had our grandchildren one day a week since they were born and have loved it. We are also looking forward to not having them now the youngest starts school next week! We occasionally babysit and have had done short holidays all together. We are currently away with just the children this week - our choice although we are looking forward to the peace and quiet this weekend. We are all different but you should tell them if the childcare is now too much for you. They are responsible for bringing up their children not you. Don’t feel guilty.
You have got yourself into this and it can only continue if you allow it. I find just reading what you do for this couple exhausting,! Just what are your son and daughter in law doing themselves for their offspring, it’s seems not a lot. They seem very entitled. I feel sorry for the children to be honest. If you don’t voice your opinions now I don’t see these selfish parents ever wanting to stop this.
pascal30
Why are you paying for their holidays and parenting their children?? Let them grow up.. and start taking responsibility for both their own lives and their children.. let them find a childminder...
You are certainly not being unreasonable, so need to speak to your AC. They are being unbelievably selfish.
I agree that whatever the other grandparents do is not really relevant to what is happening with your life. How you have agreed to look after the children to allow the parents to go away I do not know but I think they are exceedingly selfish and self centred not to see or think how much they are asking of you. I think that if you feel you really have to stick to having them during this holiday time then have someone in to help with them and get the parent s to pay for it too. But more importantly I think you need to have a clear break and then start a new way of living. To that end could you go away for a few weeks? So maybe one of the cheap trips abroad where you could get some sunshine and rest, and be away from everything which would give you time to think things out. ? Or arrange to go and visit a couple of friends who live a long way away or go b and b for a trip down to devon or something that you would enjoy. It would allow you to have time to yourselves and think about what you enjoy doing together and what you feel you could cope with.? Then when you have made your own minds up you could go back and have a talk with the parents and tell them what you are prepared to do and that should definitely NOT include 11 hour days!! Whilst there may be times when you have to be an emergency help, it should not be a constant pattern. You are losing the pleasure of time with your grandchildren, where you have your own relationship and are seen as people who stop them doing what they want. Well it is time for you to remember that you have a life together and to make the most of it and that doesnt include being doormats for your children. Say NO to this arrangement and stick to your guns. Take up hobbies and classes and be unavailable for endless childminding and get back to enjoying short times with your grandchildren and going out to the park or such like when they will remember what fun it is to be with you.
Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.
Time to put yourselves first and think about your health!
It's obviously too tiring for you.
The parents need to find a nanny to look after their children or one of them will have to either quit their job or wfh, or both go part-time wfh.
Please talk to your DC & darling-child-in-law and let them know, ASAP, that you can't do this any more as it's not good for your health!!
No advice as it's been said by others but I do know it's not as simple as it sounds to make the changes needed. This is our story too....good luck!
You have enabled this. Time you put your foot down, tell them you can't do it any longer, they are taking advantage of your kindness.
It is tiring having GCs and as so often happens- what starts as one morning or day per week is gradually increased until you have no time for yourself .
We have been in that situation where originally it was an occasional school pick up for one GC but has now morphed into five GCs needing care either before school starting with breakfast at 7 a.m. and pick ups after school and our days restricted because of school hours.
Often this would have an extra request dropped in at the desperate last minute so we were often covering five days a week because the other GPs were unavailable.
This school year, we have restricted the childcare to three days per week for the five GCs who are in three different schools/nursery - one of which is two minutes walk and the other involves car trips. This is more manageable and allows us to have time to ourselves in retirement. One lot of GCs are cared for at home by DH and the others by me in their own home until parents arrive.
We do limited childcare in the holidays and if we have plans for our holidays or weekends/nights away the AC's are told and they make other arrangements. Their children - their problem!
We have faced the same issues as you have regarding parenting which has been difficult as the parenting styles of both sets of the ACs are very different.
In the end, we decided that when in our care then our rules apply regardless of what their parents do. It makes life much easier all round and whatever the other GPs do is their business but it won't affect what we do.
But in your case your GCs seem to be heading towards being unmanageable for you when in your care. You need to decide what is or isn't acceptable and stick to it however unpopular it may make you.
Pick your battles and don't give in to these children and their tantrums. They think that having a tantrum will get them what they want - it won't - if you are firm with them.
Finally start being selfish for yourself. Plan things you want to do and when you want to do them and pass the information on to your ACs - nothing wrong with being flexible but don't allow yourself to be taken for granted.
I agree with Monica's post above. Just tell the parents they need to make new childcare arrangements because you can't continue any more and don't be dissuaded. Stick to your guns.
Sounds like you and your husband would benefit from a good holiday yourselves so why not take yourselves off for a couple of weeks?
I really don't understand why some parents today want to go on holiday without their little children.
In some respects it is not your concern what the other GP do. But I can see if they indulge them and buy them a toy on every visit, this creates a pattern in the mind of the children.
I think unless there are boundaries and consistency, the children are going to become demanding and unpleasant.
Only you can sort this out. If it’s too much say. You are being taken for granted as they can’t manage their own children. Why do you keep saying yes to their demands. this 6 day break for example, Let them take their own children and bond with them somewhere cheaper, and you go away and treat yourself. Are you frightened to say no in case you wont be seeing them at all if you do? Only you can alter this. I would just say, I've got to stop the child care, i can’t cope anymore and feel worn out
I can understand your reticence in raiding this with your adult children as you don't want to rock the bock, but if you do t you are the Enabler of the ongoing arrangements .
Work out want you are prepared to do, going forwards, and then raise this with your adult children when they get back from their special holiday and give them reasonable notice if you decide you wish to reduce the child care.
Don't mention the other GPs at all. You will have to explain why but keep this as neutral as possible, e.g the children are getting more demanding as they are getting older, you are getting older and you are getting too tired etc. you can offer emergency back up, if you wish, but stick to your guns on any routine arrangements otherwise it may make you ill.
I do lots of childcare, 8 GC but some are pretty well grown up now so it is the littler ones I am currently looking after.
I have one rule that was not up for discussion and my children and their partners agreed and that was "granny's house granny's rules." Now I didn't do anything outrageous, it wasn't healthy eating at home and ice cream and CocaCola at granny's but on a reasonable basis they followed my rules in my house. I think it is about respect, I respect they are the parents and they respect that if I am doing freechildcare for a considerable time then if I want to say sit at the table for meals, always remember please and thank you, no fighting then that is fair enough.
The big thing for me is I enjoy it and that is clearly not the case for OP.
Another post of support for you. I don’t think it’s about how much you have or haven’t done in the past compared to the other GPs. Or whether it’s ’too much’ for you. It’s about whether you want to do the childcare. You clearly don’t and that’s absolutely fine. They are your grandchildren not your children and so you're not expected to do any childcare. They have been imo, taking advantage of you. If the parents don’t like it, frankly that’s tough. They will find a way through it all and that’s how it is when you’re bringing up a family. I was in a very similar position and eventually I spoke my mind to clarify things. We will only have the gc if there is an emergency. It didn’t go down well at first…..but after a few weeks, I think they realised we have a life to lead as well and we aren’t just there for their convenience. The world didn’t stop revolving. We still see the gc but we can enjoy our retirement. And why shouldn’t you….
It all sounds grossly unfair to put you under such pressure. One day a week might be helpful but nothing more unless it's a special occasion I suggest. You have a life too katienana1
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
