Mean or frugal?

Regardless of your monthly incomes, each of you should put, say, £200 into the ‘kitty’. The one in charge of the kitty should keep meticulous accounts. At the end of the holiday sit down together and work out who owes what to who. Money and friendship !!

I’m all for equality, and always shared the cost of meals, days out, theatre/cinema tickets etc. when my OH and I first met, as we both had children & mortgages etc. I was very independent and had been divorced many years so used to fending for myself. However, I think the presentation of a ‘statement of account’ by your friend is an indication that he could well be mean, rather than frugal. I would tread very cautiously Seajaye.

i'd give him the old heave-ho.
he's making you feel uncomfortable already.
why dither and delay.
life is short.
find a more relaxing companion.

Working out the exact costs of a trip away afterwards, and sending friends a bill, is exactly what my husband does with his golfing buddies.

When I go away with my friends we use a "Kitty Purse," and all put the same amount of cash in as required as we go along.
We usually eat and drink a similar amount so that works for us.

This friend is not your husband, live-in partner or someone you share any other expenses or a joint account with.
I see nothing wrong with two financially independent adults each paying their way.
From years of experience your friend's way is a lot easier than the, "Well I paid for this, you paid for that," way of sorting it out at the end that my husband and his friends used to do!

there is no right and wrong.
it's not an exam.
that's the point; it's making OP feel uncomfortable.
women are too conditioned to put up with feeling uncomfortable and deferring to others' wishes, esp men.
it is not actually compulsory to do so.
she can simply step away and save her energy for more rewarding interactions.
i sometimes think there is too much analysis, or agonising, rather than simple action.
respect one's feelings.
all the best, OP.

The kitty, topped up as needed, meant that we had many holidays with various friends without any problems. If one member of the party had much more expensive tastes than the others it was soon flagged up and dealt with, and no ill feeling ensued.

My friends and I had a kitty purse, whenever we went away.

It always worked out well.

For me, a lot would boil down to how much you like him and what you are hoping for the nature of this 'friendship' to be. If he is just a companion that fills in lonely gaps, then maybe think about fading him out. If, on the other hand, you are quite fond of him and he makes you laugh and is good company, why not just sit down with him, ask him his thinking behind this, and discuss if there is perhaps another way to sort finances out. A lot will depend on how easy going he is. If he is just a tight fisted meany, then they always manage to bring everything down to money. If he is a cheerful chap, then I am sure you can sort something out.

We are away with family members self catering, buying coffees etc, we use an app called Splitwise , put in names and how much spent etc and it works out who owes who and how much. Probably better with groups, but would work with a couple.

If it was me, I would prefer to pay my own way….
Then there can’t be any misunderstanding 😵‍💫

No big deal. At least he presented the account in your favour, ie acknowledging he owes you, even if it was because he had forgotten something you paid for. If things are pretty even and you have similar tastes, I would just say, Let’s just take it in turns to pay, if you don’t like his accounting.

As you normally finance each other on days out,, I would give him the benefit of thinking that he is being respectful and honest with you.. If you find this situation uncomfortable then tell him.. depending how he reacts to that, and you would need to say what you would prefer, you can decide whether he is mean or scrupulous.. and if you really like his company then find mutually satisfactory way of dealing with finances in the future

welbeck

there is no right and wrong.
it's not an exam.
that's the point; it's making OP feel uncomfortable.
women are too conditioned to put up with feeling uncomfortable and deferring to others' wishes, esp men.
it is not actually compulsory to do so.
she can simply step away and save her energy for more rewarding interactions.
i sometimes think there is too much analysis, or agonising, rather than simple action.
respect one's feelings.
all the best, OP.

I totally agree with you there. It's not sitting right with the OP, and that says it all for me. I have to say that it would be a bit of an issue for me personally.

Thank you for the responses and it's interesting to see those who think a statement of account is a perfectly reasonable way to deal with costs sharing on a joint trip. I guess what is I am uncomfortable with is the unexpected change in the previous informal arrangements, and the level of scrutiny of costs. I am absolutely ok about sharing costs fairly, but I think I'd rather split each bill on a PAYG basis if he wishes exactitude to the last penny. That would also mean I would not have to fund all the advance payments such as bookings since he does not like using his bank card to pay for anything on advance. For the time being, unless there is an opportunity to discuss the post trip ' 'statement of account' without causing offence, I'm simply going to suggest in future that we move to PAYG splits on other outings to save doing this exercise post trip. If it was a group outing, I can see why an agreed kitty would be more straightforward, but less so when it's just one friend where shared costs have always been informally split. I do not want to waste time worrying about whether he feels either he or I has 'lost out' by a few pounds financially as it would spoil any future trip/outing for me. I have enough insecurities already without adding to them..

If one member of the party had much more expensive tastes than the others it was soon flagged up and dealt with, and no ill feeling ensued.

One of my friends likes a steak, obviously more expensive than other dishes. She just pays the extra that night.

Instead of judging him based on the reasoning of a number of unknown people why don't you ask him why he did it?

Maybe he feels you are out of pocket and is uncomfortable with it. Maybe he misinterpreted something you said at some point. You could always just tell him you were perfectly okay with the previous arrangement. Maybe he wasn't for some reason.

His answer could tell you exactly what you need to know.

42Cabbie21. Just to clarify, I have not bothered to point out his accounting error ( which incidentally was in his favour,) as I think that would only make my discomfort worse. It is not the figures that are the problem, it's the fact that an unexpected post trip statement of costs has unsettled me by making me think this may be an indicator that his usual frugal nature is verging on penny pinching and/or scrutiny of my spending.This has alarmed me in case it should turn out that he desires more frequent and regular trips. I enjoy his friendship and company but don't like how this made me feel.

Some people don't like "loose ends" However, you may also have a preference - PAYG - so you could simply suggest that.

AreWeThereYet

Instead of judging him based on the reasoning of a number of unknown people why don't you ask him why he did it?

Maybe he feels you are out of pocket and is uncomfortable with it. Maybe he misinterpreted something you said at some point. You could always just tell him you were perfectly okay with the previous arrangement. Maybe he wasn't for some reason.

His answer could tell you exactly what you need to know.

Yes, I was thinking the same. Just talk to the man! If it is that he feels uncomfortable because you have paid out more than him, I think that’s a positive rather than a negative.

Shinamae

If it was me, I would prefer to pay my own way….
Then there can’t be any misunderstanding 😵‍💫

This. 👍

Think it was mentioned but when we go away with a couple of very good friends we always contribute the same amount of cash into a kitty purse which is used to pay the joint bills fir meals or coffees etc, and if we are running out we add the same amount to replenish.
If you don’t use cash then perhaps one person uses a card and then at the end the bill is divided.
Or there’s almost certainly an online system.
We have a joint holiday account with our friends which we e@ch deposit the same amount into the account, monthly, it works very well and has paid for a number of breaks.
You need to have a chat with your friend but if you are or might be a couple maybe the ‘to the last penny’ attitude is a step too far.

I just think you should each pay for your own, if you have to share to avoid embarassment ie Restaurant bill One poays and the other gives exactly half and half the tip, that way things cannot be misconstrued and you won't be presented with a statement, which I wouldn't like either.Also be very clear if either of you is going to pay for the other person as a treat so you would say 'No need to pay me back for this as I am paying for you as a treat this time'
To be honest, I think he may only get worse and him being nit picky may eventually ruin your outings.

I would be more concerned about this rather controlling aspect of his behaviour than the actual cash concerned.
I dislike the idea of accounting for every penny spent but think that is a reaction to being married to a very mean man first time round. I think you need to have a frank discussion about your concerns.

rocketstop

I just think you should each pay for your own, if you have to share to avoid embarassment ie Restaurant bill One poays and the other gives exactly half and half the tip, that way things cannot be misconstrued and you won't be presented with a statement, which I wouldn't like either.Also be very clear if either of you is going to pay for the other person as a treat so you would say 'No need to pay me back for this as I am paying for you as a treat this time'
To be honest, I think he may only get worse and him being nit picky may eventually ruin your outings.

I think you may be right and I'm going to suggest that we adopt PAYG splitting to avoid the post trip issue. But tipping is probably a separate issue as he nevers tips in a restaurant when he pays, unless a tip or service charge is already added to the bill and I always do tip when I pay, unless the service has been very poor for some reason. It's such a shame that for some unknown reason I'm finding this is more of an issue, probably due to the prospect of other possible more frequent trips being suggested. I will have to prepare myself to see how things pan out.