Friendship on the rocks

I think many friendships have been changed/strained by covid. I observe you are 2 hours away from your original couple (friends) but you "always made the effort both ways". You would have been constrained from this type of travel during covid due to restrictions on anything other than essential travel. I also think it sounds like you were doing the travelling to see them so you may have been more invested in the friendship if they didn't do their fair share of travelling to see you. It's a shame but sometimes friendships run their course even lengthy ones. I am no longer in contact with a very good friend from childhood who was a godparent to my DC. She moved away and, apart from a few messages and phone calls, I found she drifted off. After making efforts as I'd valued her as a friend, I decided reluctantly the friendship had run its course and I am content that we were very good friends but our lives moved in different ways. It happens unfortunately.

If you’re upset and hurt , why not just let your friends know?

I think your husband is probably right. You have been well and truly supplanted by this other couple, and I suspect mostly by the woman.. step back and give it time.. your old friends might miss you more than you think..

That’s not very nice in fact quite nasty and you had been bee. Friends for half a lifetime I think that it’s a lot to do with the other couple . I can understand why you are hurt 40 years is a long time you have invested a lot of memories over that timescale. I don’t think you can blame covid I do feel sad for you I agree with your husband too, I wouldn’t be contacting her to be honest. I think they made it plain that you weren’t welcome to join them I would move on. You and your husband are worth more than this and I wish you all the best

Could you just say sometjing like "we really miss the fun we had with you and it ferls like an age since we had a catch up - Would you like to visit x with us one day soon?"
Or come hete the weekend
Or meet us half-way for lunch.
Or spend a weekend in a nice hotel.
(Or something else you used to enjoy)

Good luck.

*come here for the weekend

What happens if you try to organise an arrangement?

Tricky one. We shy away from being direct and asking.

Are they thoughtless, wrapped up in the novelty of the newish friendship?

If we try to organise something they're busy , doing this , then that , the next few months are pretty much booked etc .... pretty much given up with that and tbh I think we'd be expected to include the other couple in whatever and then it's definitely twos company and you're the crowd .
Yes I could tell them how I feel but it all seems so school girlish and I do feel if you let people know you're hurt it just gives them the power to do it all the more

We can only take so much " busy" before we give up.

Don’t bother. Make other friends. I’ve been in your situation and being nice is a waste of your time. There are lots of other nice people out there.

If we try to organise something they're busy...
Sorry about that.
Are you messaging or calling?

If messaging I'd call and chat "one last shot"

So sorry though.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but it seems as though they just prefer doing things with the other couple.

Your DH is right, I think. Time to accept it and move on.

Hurtful isn’t it? Do the new friends live near them so are more available to do things?
Give it one more determined shot as suggested above and see how that goes.

Meant to say, do the other couple live nearer to your friends? If so, it’s probably far easier for them all to meet up, and distance has contributed to the lessening of contact.

X posts Oreo.

In my view it’s time to withdraw gracefully. It may be that your friends will realise they miss you or sadly it is that they’ve moved on. I do understand it hurts and is disappointing, I’m so sorry, it seems to me your husband is right.

Personally, I think it’s the other couple, stirring.
The very same thing happened to me. I was very, very, friendly with a couple ( previous neighbours). When I moved following my divorce, the husband did my garden and odd jobs. Ofcourse, I paid him. I used to do them a brunch, every Saturday, after their weekly shopping trip to Asda,( near me). Whenever I went down their side, for whatever reason, I always popped in and had a cuppa. I did notice, however, every time I went there, their neighbour came in. Basically, she’d see my car, and no sooner had I sat down, she would follow.. I even began to doubt whether my friend actually liked my company or not and had told this lady, everytime she saw my car, she should come in.
Anyway, her husband passed away, and other than going to the funeral, I have no contact with her. This other neighbour has definitely said something to alienate me. I truly believe it.

Yes, your husband is right and personally I wouldn't have the energy to keep flogging the friendship, they clearly done want to know.
Time to strike out on your own and in your shoes I would secretly hoping the 'new' couple drop your old friends in the fullness of time -and when that happens I would be just too busy to meet up.

I've recently experienced something similar. A friend I was very close to for 22+ years made it obvious gradually in recent years that she preferred to spend her time with younger people, despite protesting that an age gap [which had never bothered her before, we got on so well] wasn't the reason.

It was. I would prefer to be told rather than be slowly rejected. It's painful, as I live on my own. But getting on with my life in other ways despite the loss.

Your husband is right, let them go, they are being thoughtless and disrespecting the friendship. They sound rude. If they want your company they will contact you, if not, you'll have your answer.

Thankyou all , yes it's time to let go I think . Interesting that we've been in this situation with them a few times during the course of our friendship and we've seen them do it to others as well so shouldn't really be that surprised but because we enjoy their company and have known them so long we always let it go . This time around though it feels different , maybe because we're getting older we don't have the emotional energy for it all anymore .
We have a lot of other friends which we've known for an equal amount of time , different groups that wouldn't treat us like that . I'm not sure why I feel so sad to admit that the fun times are over . I'm pretty confident when this new friendship fizzles they'll be back knocking on the door but this time I'm afraid we won't be opening it

because we're getting older we don't have the emotional energy for it all anymore

Exactly this. Which is why many people give up on the whole idea of friendship.

Thankyou all for letting me offload , I feel better about letting go now .🤗

sparkle - I know that it's very upsetting , but if you've tried to invite your old friends and they make excuses -just let it go and concentrate on your other friends and interests .
People can be fickle .
Maybe this new couple is exciting for now .
Their stories are fresh and they haven't heard your back history .
We all like a change .
Perhaps your old friends will drift back to you .
Over the last decade , three of my newer friends latched onto me because they'd had huge rows with their old best friends .
I listened to their endless complaints about these friends -all the time thinking that they don't sound that bad to me - only to have them drift back !
One friend even arranged an evening at the opera so that her friend saw me with her .
How she delighted in talking about it for weeks afterwards .
I felt used .
I soon found that she was easily offended and could be unforgiving and vindictive .
Another told me that it's convenient to have renewed her old friendship because her friend was reliable living nearby in case her mother in law suddenly became ill so she didn't have to rush home from work !
I might add that she actually loathes her MIL and resents living in her house , but she's useful for loans .

Yesterday , I spent most of the day with someone that I've known for over thirty years .
We've remained loyal to each other even though we don't share the same interests .
My grandmother and mother used to say something very wise :
don't put all your eggs in one basket !