Am I wrong to feel offended

Maybe, you are not wrong to be offended but I think you could be the better person in this situation and agree to what is suggested by your husband's daughter. Your husband loves both of you and you are in a way, asking him to choose. You falling out with his daughter could cause him great unhappiness.

I find it a bit odd that your husbands daughter was disappointed that you had arranged a holiday on your husbands 70th. Surely you can do what you want to do. I would have asked her if she and her family would like to meet prior this or when you came back a few days later whichever suited her and her family. It sounds as though you don’t have the greatest relationship with his daughter. It’s a difficult one as I’d do everything to get on with her within reason for my husbands sake

I agree about being the bigger person and saying you are happy to do whatever your OH and his D want to do. Don't let it upset you at all

She’s supposed to be an adult. I wouldn’t bend over backwards to accommodate her. Do what you and your husband want to do.

I would invite them to the celebration (if it hasn’t been already?) up to them if they come or not, it’s her father she will be disappointing not you.

Thank you Poppyred, yes celebration already taken place we had a lovely holiday. Yes, probably feeling a bit jaded having tried for the last 10 years, provided finance for a house, bought them a business, numerous cars and periodically cleared credit cards……just a bit tired of continually having to try to be “approved”. Tired of being dismissed, ignored and often subject to rudeness. ( I have 3 daughters whom are all self sufficient ). Tired of bending over backwards.

Spoiled brat comes to mind…..

mumofmadboys

I agree about being the bigger person and saying you are happy to do whatever your OH and his D want to do. Don't let it upset you at all

I’d go along with this. Does your husband want to go to see them at Christmas? If so, I’d go, but take something like knitting or a book to busy myself with when you’re ignored. If he doesn’t want to go then you can both opt out.
Rising above people like this is often the better action.

Thank you, Mumofmadboys. Whilst I have suggested my OH go on his own I worry as he is 70 and hard of hearing ( I am younger) . I’m happy to go, but take my knitting, and stay out of the way whilst he sees DD and grandchildren.

Really feel after 10 years of “pleasing” I’m a bit cooked !

What is he doing to coordinate to see his daughter?

Do you think it is a control issue? She may want to be the one organising things and not have them organised on her behalf . I’d guess that was the real issue here.

I did wonder why OH isn't making the arrangements with you jointly - discuss and he can ask his DD and his family
She may not mess him around as much.

I would stop accommodating her, why are you providing finance for their home, buying them a business, cars, and clearing credit card debts, why does her Father not do this?
This woman sounds a grabby spoilt cow, she is happy to take your money, but she shows you no respect do not allow her to do this. The bank of step mum should remain closed.
You say you have three self sufficient daughters, give your time and energy to them. Also expect your husband to step up and put you first this Christmas.

Firstly, she's a married woman with a husband and two kids, it's about time that they stood on their own two feet and stopped relying on dad (and step-mum) to bail them out! Does your DH have some kind of guilt feelings over the break-up of his previous marriage, that he feels he has to over compensate, and try to make things up to his daughter with all the financial assistance? To be honest, giving financial help to our adult children, when it's really needed, is one thing, but this seems a bit way over the top with houses, businesses and cars, etc.!

Secondly, it's up to you and your DH how you decide to celebrate his 70th, and you both chose a holiday, which sounds perfect! Months ago, you tried to arrange a family gathering to please his daughter, and she ignored your efforts. Now, closer to the birthday, she's apparently 'desperate' to arrange something for her dad. This all seems very deliberate, probably to spite you and your efforts.

I say, just let her do it! We all know that arranging gatherings, either with family or friends, can often cause stress and headaches with the logistics of getting everyone available at the same time, and making dinner reservations, and trying to please everyone, etc. If I were you, I'd just sit back and leave the arrangements up to her, saving yourself the bother!

I would do what makes your husband happy and that is see them and say nothing. Stop financial support, just stop. Decide your limit for presents for birthdays etc and stick to it.get family harmony back.

Aura399

Thank you Poppyred, yes celebration already taken place we had a lovely holiday. Yes, probably feeling a bit jaded having tried for the last 10 years, provided finance for a house, bought them a business, numerous cars and periodically cleared credit cards……just a bit tired of continually having to try to be “approved”. Tired of being dismissed, ignored and often subject to rudeness. ( I have 3 daughters whom are all self sufficient ). Tired of bending over backwards.

Perhaps it is time to cut the purse strings.........she might take more notice of you then.

Go this time because it is for your husband's birthday and will presumably give him pleasure, but draw back afterwards, and certainly do not help fund his daughter's extravagances in future.

I totally get where you are coming from and I would withdraw a little bit with the support from now on. However, if you don't go for the Christmas visit, this could start to spiral into a family feud which I'm sure you and your DH don't want to get into - and may cause so many more problems through the years to come. Suck it up this time and see how it goes but make sure you keep a little back for self preservation.

Why not spend more time, effort (and money) on your own daughters at Christmas?

Aura399

Thank you Poppyred, yes celebration already taken place we had a lovely holiday. Yes, probably feeling a bit jaded having tried for the last 10 years, provided finance for a house, bought them a business, numerous cars and periodically cleared credit cards……just a bit tired of continually having to try to be “approved”. Tired of being dismissed, ignored and often subject to rudeness. ( I have 3 daughters whom are all self sufficient ). Tired of bending over backwards.

If they had had to survive on their own efforts, they may appeciate you more now. Stop wanting to be "approved" - it just makes it so much easier for them to "disapprove" if you turn the cash-and-support fountain onto anyone else. Ten years is long enough. If they still don't approve of you, tough.

Why don't you celebrate Christmas with your daughters and your Dh go to his daughter?

Step families need careful handling!
DH and I have both had 70th birthdays within the last few years. We each arranged a holiday for the other. We both chose a date a few days after the actual date. We both very much wanted to be with our children and stepchildren on the big day and knew that they also wanted that.

Stepchildren , the problem is in the very word . In this instance it sounds like she wanted something different for OH 70th . But her behaviour was/is definitely not to be admired , spoilt princess comes to mind . It sounds like your OH has only the one child , that in itself may be her issue & why money is thrown at her at every opportunity.
Just grin & beat it , be thankful for your own three independent girls & spend your time with them . Don’t resort to sitting in her home with your knitting stand up to her & let your OH spend time with her .

I'm not of the grin and bare it school of thought. If all of this money had been showered on her and she still treated me like dirt, I certainly wouldn't be accommodating her any more. She sounds like a proper little diva, indulged for far too long, not an adult woman.
Does your husband always expect to spend Xmas at her home? What about your daughters? surely they might want you both to spend Xmas with them some years?
As for going and sitting with your knitting or reading a book, well that's just plain crackers.
I've always found that the more you give some people, the more they take and respect you less.