Am I wrong to feel offended

Thank you everyone for your opinions and support, I really do try to do my best, a bit of an over-thinker and so your comments are really appreciated, as i was seriously doubting myself. Yes, I give up on trying to please . Agree totally with nanna8, its def a control issue as lixy has suggested a ‘bit of a cow” have given serious consideration to her controlling behaviour ( we bought them a shop, she serves behind the counter but describes herself as the MD), Yes, NannyMoll, she certainly is a spoilt brat, but DH wants to put head in the sand.
I shall definitely find an alternative for Easter and leave them to it !

lixy

Aura399

I would SO love to however , DH says he feel obliged

So will you be going away for a quiet Easter, maybe to visit one of your own children abroad?

Your step daughter sounds a bit of a cow. I agree with Lixy, book a holiday somewhere this Easter.

If your step daughter is there you won't have to worry about your husband SHE will need to look after him.

Step-relationships can be really tricky, can't they, especially when blood-parents often seem to have their heads in the sand. I expect your husband feels like piggy-in-the-middle, so probably all you can do is gently start a conversation with him (no screaming or finger-pointing, now!) aimed at getting it straight just between yourselves. Once you and he are solid, his daughter will just end up looking like a spoilt brat, more fool her. She probably has that reputation anyway among the wider family, so don't imagine you're alone in this problem. Good luck.

To my costs, you are correct and I am done. ………Apart from the fact that she invited herself and the kids for Easter !!

Is that so she can be rude to you and ignore you in your own home, as well as hers? 🤨

Just say airily that Easter is a long time off and you haven't thought about it yet.

Is your husband actually aware how rude she is to you?
Or has she always been rude to everyone?

Aura399

I would SO love to however , DH says he feel obliged

So will you be going away for a quiet Easter, maybe to visit one of your own children abroad?

But, yeah, I take your point, oreo 🙂

Oreo

nanna8

Do you think it is a control issue? She may want to be the one organising things and not have them organised on her behalf . I’d guess that was the real issue here.

I think you’re right.Am guessing that if the OP was the real Mum of the DD it would all be so very different.

Because there are never any power struggles between "real" mums and their offspring 😜

nanna8

Do you think it is a control issue? She may want to be the one organising things and not have them organised on her behalf . I’d guess that was the real issue here.

I think you’re right.Am guessing that if the OP was the real Mum of the DD it would all be so very different.

To me you sound fed up rather than offended, aura, but it also seems that you have got to a place of decision so that's good. You have tried to like and help your step-daughter for your husband's and your own sake and it hasn't worked as you had hoped so stop. You don't have to like her; just be civil but as uninvolved as possible, again for your husband's and your own sake rather than hers. Good luck.

Say it anyway. Your DH needs to think about his obligations to you which include not enabling his D to be insensitive and rude to you.

I would SO love to however , DH says he feel obliged

Well you know what you need to do Aura say no.

FurtleMcFurtleface. So appreciate your input. To follow up on previous msg . I bit the bulletin and went ( OH is hard of hearing and has Narcoplecsy and I worry if he’s on his own ). She played Queen Bee, was completely insensitive and rude ( virtually ignored me and only spoke to ask how often I woulds be seing my children over the Christmas period. ( They are both abroad). I too was not involved in the marriage break up and feel that her behaviour is completely out of order. To my costs, you are correct and I am done. ………Apart from the fact that she invited herself and the kids for Easter !!

I gave up with his kids. Grown ups who needed to grow up. I tried really hard to make them welcome but they truly weren't bothered enough to make any effort. I wasn't involved in any marriage break up. We were both widowed. There comes a point to just step back and start saying "no" where appropriate and leave them to it.

She sounds a bit of a drama queen. Everything revolves around her and she is quick to say she wasn't consulted, but she can't be bothered joining in on organising something else. She just does nothing and then complains that all has not been arranged to her satisfaction.

It's all a bit extreme somehow.

Your feelings are natural.

Your way ahead is to try to disengage emotionally from your step family.
I like the idea of letting your husband go on his own to visit his daughter. You love him and are a good wife but he is not your Siamese twin.

I'm not of the grin and bare it school of thought. If all of this money had been showered on her and she still treated me like dirt, I certainly wouldn't be accommodating her any more. She sounds like a proper little diva, indulged for far too long, not an adult woman.
Does your husband always expect to spend Xmas at her home? What about your daughters? surely they might want you both to spend Xmas with them some years?
As for going and sitting with your knitting or reading a book, well that's just plain crackers.
I've always found that the more you give some people, the more they take and respect you less.

Stepchildren , the problem is in the very word . In this instance it sounds like she wanted something different for OH 70th . But her behaviour was/is definitely not to be admired , spoilt princess comes to mind . It sounds like your OH has only the one child , that in itself may be her issue & why money is thrown at her at every opportunity.
Just grin & beat it , be thankful for your own three independent girls & spend your time with them . Don’t resort to sitting in her home with your knitting stand up to her & let your OH spend time with her .

Step families need careful handling!
DH and I have both had 70th birthdays within the last few years. We each arranged a holiday for the other. We both chose a date a few days after the actual date. We both very much wanted to be with our children and stepchildren on the big day and knew that they also wanted that.

Why don't you celebrate Christmas with your daughters and your Dh go to his daughter?

Aura399

Thank you Poppyred, yes celebration already taken place we had a lovely holiday. Yes, probably feeling a bit jaded having tried for the last 10 years, provided finance for a house, bought them a business, numerous cars and periodically cleared credit cards……just a bit tired of continually having to try to be “approved”. Tired of being dismissed, ignored and often subject to rudeness. ( I have 3 daughters whom are all self sufficient ). Tired of bending over backwards.

If they had had to survive on their own efforts, they may appeciate you more now. Stop wanting to be "approved" - it just makes it so much easier for them to "disapprove" if you turn the cash-and-support fountain onto anyone else. Ten years is long enough. If they still don't approve of you, tough.

Why not spend more time, effort (and money) on your own daughters at Christmas?

I totally get where you are coming from and I would withdraw a little bit with the support from now on. However, if you don't go for the Christmas visit, this could start to spiral into a family feud which I'm sure you and your DH don't want to get into - and may cause so many more problems through the years to come. Suck it up this time and see how it goes but make sure you keep a little back for self preservation.

Go this time because it is for your husband's birthday and will presumably give him pleasure, but draw back afterwards, and certainly do not help fund his daughter's extravagances in future.