I can understand your position because I am the eldest in my family and was quite bright. So I was expected to take my sister (1 year and 11months younger. Never say 2 years!!) with me. If she did anything wrong she was told off for it, but I was told off even more as "I was the eldest and should have known better " " you are responsible for seeing she gets there and back safely" or the usual "Someone of your intelligence should know better" She had long blonde hair, blue eyes and looked so innocent she got away with murder. Despite all that we were close. My parents still would expect more of me than my 3 siblings, and whatever I did I was never praised. I kept in touch and visited my family over the years but was living abroad etc. Then about 20 years ago a situation arose with my parents, and I realized that I would never be good enough to them , that the relationship that I wanted would never happen and I just got hurt all the time. I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and was in hospital for an operation in three days. My husband rang them to tell them, and they said that they would come to visit but couldnt come that weekend or week as they had promised to do something with friends and didnt want to let them down. I know it is hard to go back on your word but in the circumstances I thought one or other of them could have put me first for once. It took a great effort and I was very sad about it, but I "divorced" my parents. I would ask my brother (ten years younger) how they were etc and kept in touch in that distanced way, so I got to know what was going on. He and I still keep in touch, but my sister decided that she could not keep in touch with me if I didnt keep in touch with my parents. So I have no contact with her, but again know a little of her life from my brother. I never saw my parents again, did not go to their funerals and was left nothing by them. I dont mean money but not even a picture or anything at all. It was a sad time, but I know that my life has been better since that time, mentally , and I have made good nonjudgemental friends . I am now 79 and have a friend who I have known since I was 2. others I have known for more than 30 years. We support each other and are as kind as we can be and enjoy meeting up when we can. Remember the old sayings "You can choose your friends but not your family" well I would like to make another resolution " you are born into a family but they dont own you body and soul. Make your friends your family of choice" You will find it difficult but as I say if you just read what you have put, and look back over the years and see how one-sided this relationship is , you will find life better if you concentrate on your new friend family, and let her do what she wants in her life without involving you. Dont feel responsible for her behaviour. She is an adult and is responsible for her own behaviour now. Perhaps you could try one of the ways I used to help students decide what to do . If you remember the game of consequences, where you wrote things on a piece of paper and folded it over and then at the end you opened it up and read the silly marriage between Donald Trump and Mary Berry etc|? Well what I suggest is that you take 2 pieces of paper. On one you write all the good things about your relationship with your sister, and on the other all the bad things. Each time you think of something , add it to the appropriate list and fold it over. Then put them away for a couple of weeks. On a day when it is raining and you cant go out, but feel quite relaxed and are on your own, have your coffee ready and open up the papers. Then you look to see how the sentences group together, and you will begin to see a pattern. e.g. she didnt come for your birthday, but expected you to go for hers. or she promised to meet up and you took a special day off but she called off at the last minute , so you wasted a day off work. Im sure your husband could also remember many occasions like that. So , although you feel sad that the relationship doesnt work, DONT feel guilty about the burden your parents put on you. Make the most of your life and I dont know whereabouts in the country you live. I am in North Yorkshire and I am sure that other gransnetters might enjoy meeting for a coffee or lunch if we were in close travelling distance. If not this is what we are here for and you may be sure that we will all be rooting for you to have a happier life without her. My wonderful granny who was the only person in my family who gave me unconditional love, used to say "dont put flowers on my grave. Give them to someone who can enjoy them" so I never tell the recepient but on her birthday and the day she died I buy a few cut flowers or a small pot of flowers and surprise someone with them. So it may be a neighbour who loves flowers but has no garden, or someone having a tough time (arent we all!!) They are delighted for the little surprise and it cheers their day, and mentally I always say "that was for you Granny " She died in 1961 in a car accident so have been doing this for a long time. Perhaps you might like to do something similar and when you think of her , but know that it would not be wise or helpful to contact her again, to do something you would have liked to be able to do with her for someone else might also make you feel better. We are here for you and you have every right to live your own life and not be pushed into that emotional blackmail set up by your parents and obviously being carried on by your sister. Good luck for a calmer and happier life with those who you care for and who care for you
