To ask if I was wrong here?

What do you do out of the house at weekends?

Are you paying your parents towards your keep, or saving towards a deposit on somewhere to live, or both? If you are saving, they are maybe trying to save you some money by offering to pay for nights out?

If you genuinely can't see the time coming when you can move out, they are probably being kind by offering to get you a pet, so that you have something of your own even if your living arrangements aren't what you would prefer. You refusing to have one in case you can't take it with you is contradicting that, though. Maybe they are confused by the situation too?

Do they want you to move out? Is there room for them to have privacy in their home? How old are your parents? Old enough to be planning for you to care for them?

You do sound lonely LilacRain.
Was there ever a time when you could have made that move?
If you crave a different lifestyle you will have to be brave and take a risk.
You say you cannot afford to move out of your parents' house but there are alternatives. Maybe not more comfortable but different.
What type of work do you do?

You say your aunt's life is a living nightmare. Is it really?
Your parents sound young at heart and not demanding at all. Infact they care about you and are thinking of how they can help you to have more fun, hence suggesting that you go out with them or get you a pet.
Do you have hobbies? Have you friends?
If not perhaps you should take up something which even with your health issues, you could do.
I was thinking of something like joining a book or film club.
Wishing you well.

I do my own thing of a weekend. I need my space. It is very hard living here as a nearly 40 something. My parents are only mid sixties. My father does some work from home and my mother hasn't worked since her late forties.
I am saving for a deposit but also contribute and do everything round the house as I would if I had my own place.

I get that my parents are maybe just trying to be kind but they do know this isn't the life I want. It is definitely a my house, my rules set up where instead of it being like a friends set up, it is like an adult/child set up. My father in particular often barges into my room without knocking or speaks to me in a very patronising way. He often says 'You do look after me and your mother well' when all I have done is my share of the cooking or making them a cup of tea. I don't want to encourage that set up because I don't want my aunts life. They know I want to move out so I just wish they were guided by me and said something like 'If you ever feel you want a dog then let us know. I know you want to move in the future but the option is always there.'
They would happily have me live with them forever and I think secretly they wish me to be like my aunt and I wonder why they would want that for me when they have seen how tough her life is. My aunt is navigating menopause, working and being a full time carer to my elderly grandparents. She has always wanted to stay at home but has always had enough money to move out. With me, it is the opposite.
As for the privacy thing, I stay well out of the way and they have the whole house. As for the caring thing, my mother is very hard of hearing, has extreme anxiety and weird episodes of shaking and coming over faint but she refuses to treat it or go to a GP. I do worry about her memory as well and feel this is a sign of much deeper things to come.

I'm not sure what you mean by contradicting myself. I just meant the aim is to get a 1 bed flat of my own and you can't have pets in those most of the time. Ìf I got a pet now while I'm at home, I would have to rehouse them as its me who is the animal lover not them. I just think the aim should be to support my independence and perhaps offer the choice of a pet but to make it clear that they know what my long term aim is and that a pet would hinder that. As well as being very expensive which isn't going to work if I am trying to save money.

I do think in some families living together as adults can work but not in mine. My parents especially my mother don't have much going on outside of each other or the immediate family.

If you are single you have to be earning a very good wage to be able to afford to support yourself. I know I am not alone in this struggle or my frustration but it is really tough.
I don't want to say what I do for work as it could be outing.
Sorry to say but my parents are getting dependent on me and don't encourage my independence. I do spend time with my sisters and we go shopping and to the cinema etc.
Even my parents admit my aunts life is exceptionally tough so I'm not sure why they are trying to re create the same life for me. My aunt has always done everything with my grandparents and has no independence apart from her job.

Sorry but mid 60 is hardly elderly! You speak as if they are in their dotage. Most people in their 60’s are still working, travelling and lead active lives. I am certain your parents are not thinking of carers and haven't cast you into that role! I really think you need to consider moving into your own home a flat share maybe or as a lodger. You need to spread your wings and let your parents be normal adults again

It's not their age that concerns me but you will see from my post upthread that it's the other aspects such as my mother's health that she won't treat.
She doesn't work, my father only a little and they don't travel on holidays or anything like that.
In terms of carers, maybe they are not thinking about it now but they should be. Especially as they have seen how my aunts life is and how tough it has been.
I'm not sure what you mean about my parents being able to be normal adults when I go. I can't afford a flat share. It's absolutely extortionate where I live as a single person and upping and moving somewhere cheaper isn't ideal when I need to be close to hospitals for regular appointments and if I have a flare up and having nobody to call on for help.
Everytime I try and talk to my mother about the future, she just laughs it off. Nobody is listening to my concerns and I just wish they would and that they would support my need for independence.

Dear LilacRain, I think you need to simply give yourself full permission that you will get your money saved up, plan your route to independence and simply continue to be a decent daughter, but from afar and on your own terms. That might not feel natural to you because families are all unique and maybe there are underlying implied pressures going on - but you are an adult, you have a life to go lead, and they have theirs. Your mum sounds somewhat hypochondriac or at least is not managing health problems proactively, but that absolutely is not your responsibility. Try and give yourself the full on approval that your life is not for them to mold or control and focus on all the exciting things that lie ahead for you. It is as you say, a very unfairly difficult time for younger people to build financial freedom and independence when housing is a total mess, but somehow you’ll make it. Good luck

You didn't say if you pay rent LilacRain?
You say rents are extortionate and they are but as suggested above, you could become a lodger or share a flat in a cheaper area. There are creative solutions I have come across, say doing some cleaning or gardening in exchange for a reduced rent

Your parents are still young and are probably concerned about your future. While you are living with them they will be thinking of you every day. Once you move out, they will have less to worry about and who knows where that could lead!

I m going to sound harsh here but you do come across as dwelling on all the negatives in this situation
Firstly you can move out you may well have to make a load of adjustments as to how you want it to be but people do move on with nothing in their financial pot
You don’t want to say what job you do or where you live but have you thought of moving to a cheaper area perhaps a ‘live in job’ to get you out the home and make a start ‘Live in’ jobs don’t have to be looking after old people you sound as if you like animals why not start off by doing some pet sitting in other peoples home that ll get you away from mum and dad and meet other people and give you a step to independence

You’re parents don’t sound as if they are wanting to keep you in the home I think you are really, really overthinking the aunt thing

Only you can change your situation remember if you always do what you’ve always done, you ll always get what you ve always got
Make 2025 your year of change only you can change your situation
Good luck

When I mentioned contradiction I meant that you say that you want to move but this is impossible for financial reasons, and also that you won’t have a pet because when you move you can’t take it with you, which suggests that moving is not impossible at all.

You go on to say that you keep out of the way so you don’t intrude on your parents’ privacy, but also that you do everything around the house as if it were your own. Again, that doesn’t sound like a realistic assessment of the situation- both things can’t be true.

In what way would you like your parents to support you to move out? They appear to be very supportive- letting you stay at home while you save up, offering to take you with them on evenings out, to get you a pet and so on. I’m not sure what it is you think they should do - it is you who needs to be proactive and find a solution to change your situation.

There have been some good suggestions already, but you haven’t answered them, other to put on general objections. You seem very focused on what you can’t do rather than looking at what you can.

Also, you seem critical of your mother for not working and for not getting medical treatment for her condition. Those things are her decisions to make- she is an adult too, and presumably her lifestyle works for her. Whilst you see your parents as over-stepping boundaries in your life, are you doing the same in theirs?

There is no reason why you should end up like your aunt, unless you continue to block all avenues to independence by giving up before you start.

Have you tried to find better paid work?

Or to retrain for something you would enjoy and would fit around hospital appointments etc?

Have you looked into benefits that might be available? It sounds as though you are quite seriously affected by RA, so there may well be something you could claim.

What is the gap between your earnings and a realistic rent? Can you find ways to make that extra money (without knowing what you do it’s impossible to suggest anything).

Have you been to your local housing office, or contacted them by phone? These are all things that you can do to make a difference, rather than expecting more non-specific ’support’ from your parents.

If you know what you would like them to do, why not ask them? I know you haven’t suggested this, but all I can think of from your post that they haven’t done is offer to pay your rent - is this what you think they should be doing?

You do sound like you are stuck in a negative spiral, but the positives are that you are relatively young, you have no responsibilities or ties, you have (cheap/free?) accommodation and it sounds like you have done so for years, so may have significant savings behind you. If you concentrate on that, and look for what you can do, rather than what you can’t, you might find your life changes for the better. What would you do if your parents moved away? That might be a place for your thinking to start.

Good luck. If you think positively things might not seem so gloomy.

I’m with Doodledog you’re either in your 20s or late 30s and your parents are either their 40s or 60s as per your OP.

They seem loving parents who, possibly due to your illness are letting you stay with them, but you could move out, if you want your independence you could house share. Of course they will treat you as their daughter rather than as a family friend!

You can’t have it all ways, either admit that you need to be there at this time or move out and claim your independence.

I’m sure that your parents aren’t thinking about carers whichever of their ages is correct, and anyway I’m sure they know your views on it by now.

Live for now and don’t spend your time worrying so much about the future.

sorry I misread the part about you being in your 20s and your parents being in their 40s.

Poster says she’s 39 I m not sure either where the 20 s comes from oops

Some good replies here! The OP is 39. Her DP in their 60s.

‘They are deluding themselves that they are in their 40s and I am in my 20s,’ I didn’t spot the deluding bit.

I must get stronger glasses

I think you need to see your gp, LilacRain.

You are obsessing about this subject, and have been reassured before in previous threads.

Obviously nothing anyone says is going to answer your problem as you want them to, because you keep seeing it as a problem,regardless of what's said.

You sound very unhappy.

Do you have any close, reliable, friends with whom you could house share (renting or mortgage) it is how a lot of single people get a foot on the property ladder?

Or do you have a job which could “move with you” to a less expensive area?

I wish you luck, as you seem very unhappy at the moment.

I actually feel sorry for your parents. It sounds like they are trying hard to be kind and caring yet you are ascribing various negative connotations to their behaviour. A previous poster has said that you seem to be overthinking the situation. Other posters have made practical suggestions for you. I'm not sure what your aim in posting was. Do you just want us all to agree with you and commiserate or to try to put a different perspective on your problem?
I'm sorry you're feeling so down but you won't always feel like this. 2025 could be the year of your big move

Aveline
Spot on 👍🏻

I don't think that's entirely fair when I've already mentioned my mother not getting her health issues treated.
I don't want to dripfeed but both parents believe that renting or house sharing is money down the drain and are always saying how stupid a decision it is. So even if I could afford that, which I can't, then I definitely would get no support for it.
My sister has said that her partner once commented on how hard my aunts life is and my father responded with 'It sounds great to me. I would love to be on the receiving end of that.' and laughed. This was after knowing the pure stress my aunt has experienced.
Both of them dismiss my illnesses as well as no big deal.

I do agree though that I should see a GP as these feelings and fears are overwhelming me and I don't have anyone to talk to on the outside who is taking me seriously.

Even though you don’t earn a lot, surely even if you contribute to the cost of bills and food at home you must at 39 have saved a good amount. You don’t seem to lead an expensive lifestyle. Speak to Citizens Advice to see what help you might get with housing costs if you were to rent a one bed flat, given your low pay and health issues.

I think the matter of becoming your parents’ carer is very much a fear you have conjured up based on your aunt’s experience rather than on reality.

I believe the ability to change your circumstances lies in your own hands if you will only concentrate on what you can do to improve your situation rather than dwelling on your imagined future as a carer and dismissing change as ‘impossible’. Life is what you make it.

PS renting is not ‘money down the drain’ if you can’t earn enough to get a mortgage. If your sisters have bought their homes, remember they have partners to help qualify for a mortgage. At 39 you should not be taking notice of your parents’ ideas on renting, nor should you need their support in taking the decision to rent. You are almost a middle aged woman, not a child.

Would you please answer some of the questions people have asked you? You have ignored most of them.

Are you paying rent to your parents? If not, at 39 you must have a lot of savings. Why can’t you use those towards moving out?

What is it that you want your parents to do? They are already supporting you, so what form do you want extra support to take?

What steps have you taken to increase your income (eg retraining or taking more qualifications?)

And put a lock on your door if your father keeps barging in.