I have wrote about this before and continue to feel so alone and worried.
I'm 39, still at home, single and can't afford to move out independently. My aunt who is now in her fifties is in the same scenario but out of choice. Her life however has been a living nightmare of late, taking care of my elderly grandparents.
I do not want that for myself and yet as I say, I can't afford to move out alone or even into a houseshare. I work but don't earn nearly enough. All that aside, my parents know I want to move out so I felt the below scenarios were a bit insensitive.
My mother said to me that I should come out with her and my dad more of a weekend. I said no thank you but I enjoy my independence and spending my weekends out of the house, doing what I want. She said that was a real shame and I came away feeling like I had done something wrong. Then earlier on she said she would buy me a dog for my 40th if I wanted. I said no because obviously if I move I wouldn't be able to take it with me (or a cat which is also what I want but wouldn't be able to have as I could only afford a 1 bed flat where pets aren't allowed.).
I feel like they are setting me up to be very dependent on them and to be just like my aunt. Yet in the next breath, they will say how awful my aunts life is. I can't make sense of their behaviour but do think they are deluding themselves that they are in their forties and I am a young twenty something. Am I wrong in thinking that?
As I mentioned in my other thread, I have two autoimmune conditions, one being RA. I am actually in a flare at the moment where I can't even lift my arm as it's so sore. So them expecting me to stay and become a carer seems very delusional and unfair to me.
I have sisters and have tried talking to them about this but they don't really care. They are too happy with their partners in their lovely homes to care.
Feeling really alone and like nobody is listening to me.
Your parents sound marvellous! Even offering to buy you a dog.Stop dissing them and appreciate what they’re doing for you while saving up for a downpayment on a small flat or look for lodgings elsewhere.
Lilacrain, there's lots of good advice here from GNs. So I'll just add my two penn'orth. IMO it's time for you to "cut the cord" and make every effort to move out ASAP. Lots of people do this! Renting can be perfectly acceptable - it's YOUR decision! Please don't think about having a pet; an extra expense is the last thing you need, if you're serious about moving out! (Have you seen the price of vetinary services these days?)
It's YOUR life - make the most of it! Good luck.
I saw this mantra in a magazine yesterday
If nothing changes, nothing changes
If you want things to change YOU have got to do something about it.
I suggest that the first thing you need is counselling to get you out of this negative mindset so that you start to think more positively. Then you start getting out and about and building up a friendship circle. Yes, it will be hard work and you will have failures, but that applies to everybody. I can think of numerous failures in my life, several quite bad.
But nothing changes if nothing changes Your worst enemy is yourself.
So much good advice here, especially from Doodledog. No need for me to add anything other than to reiterate Jakjaxy's advice. Put a lock on your bedroom door.
Your father should not be walking in to your bedroom, ever!
I can imagine how daunting it must be, thinking of leaving home at 40 when you've never lived any where else but as with the first time you posted here, I can't help but think that you are looking for/finding reasons to not be able to do so.
Your mother's health is ultimately her responsibility. Perhaps if you did move out, that would be the incentive she needs to seek medical advice knowing that you wont be there to help with the running of the home and be there for her when she's unwell.
This is your life LilacRain and it's up to you to live it. Nothing you've said suggests that either of your parents want/need/expect you to never have a home of your own so that you'll be a live in carer if one is ever needed.
Maybe counselling/therapy would help you to find the courage and determination to make a home of your own if that's something you really want to do.
Nothing wrong with renting!! The relationship between adults and their parents can me very complex. Reading between the lines I think they are afraid of you moving out. Remember they are not old !!!!
If you really want to move then make it happen - rent that 1 bed flat.Forget your aunts situation and concentrate on your own life. You feel no one is listening to you - time you listened to yourself and took some action!!.
You are 39 years old not 16 - get your life in order take that action and sail your own canoe.
Jaxjacky mentions putting a lock on your door to keep your father out - what is that all about !!??
Stop using delaying tactics , get your ducks in a row and move out asap.
I’m beginning to think that LilacRain believes she can only move if she buys a flat because her parents have very outdated ideas about renting. She probably has much more saved than she needs for a deposit on a rental flat and her low pay and ill health may well qualify her for some financial assistance with the rent and council tax - but she won’t know if she doesn’t ask.
In a nut shell
Let’s be real you aren’t brave enough to leave home so it’s much easier for you to blame your mum and dad, your lack of money your health
You are stuck in a situation that you’re not happy with and I totally understand it’s a huge move after 40 years at home and not being always as healthy as you d like but however much you dislike mum and dad being your saviours you are stuck because you are afraid of the leap and then it’s better to blame someone or something else
First get some psychological help, read some self help books if you can’t afford counselling, then look into ways of being more independent and if you really can’t ever afford to move them lead your own life and just use mum and dads home to sleep in
Enlarge your life now because you don’t get another one
Part of becoming independent is not always listening to what your parents say, if you want to get out and rent, then do it. Your parents will get over it.
I penned a reply to Lilac Rain last night and decided I was probably not giving good advice and would leave it to others, but I find myself in agreement with the majority - that she should take steps to move out, rent her own place however small and animal-free (most are, but not all), in another area if costs near home are prohibitive.
Your life is yours, you only get one go at it. While I am all for helping parents in need, cross that bridge if or when it comes. You may be the unmarried daughter but you aren't the only one, it should not all fall to you (if it ever falls).
Despite lots of people saying they think your parents are lovely, well maybe that's part of their emotional blackmail tactic. My MIL had just one child, now my DH. He was engaged before he met me (he was 24) and they were buying a small house together. When the relationship broke up he told his mother that he was going to buy the house alone and move into it and she took an overdose, so he moved back home. That's emotional blackmail at its worse and I'm not saying your parents are like that, but it's more normal to encourage children to leave home and lead their own lives.
My own parents agreed between themselves that once I was married they would not get involved AT ALL if the marriage foundered unless due to abuse from my DH. I respected that. Extreme perhaps but at least I knew where I stood.
Get the flat. Take financial/benefits advice as others have said. Life is too short for "what-ifs" with your parents.
BlueBelle
Poster says she’s 39 I m not sure either where the 20 s comes from oops
Because she asked if it might be because hervoatents are deluding them selves that she is just in her twenties and they are in their forties. ie as if they are treating like at that stage of her and their life when in faxtvit is 20 years later
Lilac rain ,
I hope that you have been able to take comfort from some of the great advice being given on here .
it sounds to me like you are very much stuck in a rut plus having this constant pervading fear of ending up like your Aunt .
You have siblings so that should negate it being solely down to you to be the care giver for your parents . You & your siblings should maybe discuss the. what: where / when scenario of that particular event & include the parents as well .
In reality i am reading that you can’t afford to rent / buy a place as you are 39 & single . Also that your parents think ‘renting is throwing money away ‘
Well we all have to start somewhere & unless they have a pot of money to add to your savings the. renting is your best option of moving out .
To do that you would need at least 3 months rent in advance & obvious furniture & all manner of household items .
Maybe you are buying these & storing them away .
But you do need to be more positive as at the moment you sound rather as if you have no get up & go .
I am sorry that you suffer with your health & note you saying about having help but you do need to decide what you want .
Surely you can live in the family home as an adult & be independent?
Others do this .
You do need to get that LOCK on your bedroom door as well it is really inappropriate for your Father to barge in .
Is the house large enough for you to have another room as a lounge / chill out room as well , that may be better for you & help if you feel you are all living on top of each other .
if not look out for house/flat shares maybe somebody at work is looking for a house mate .
If you can’t afford to pay a higher rent that may be your best option should you really want to move out .
Also there are always organisations that can give practical help & advice .
I wish you luck but as others have said you have one life .
Make a decision & just do it , make 2025 your year lock, stock & barrel .
Also , buy yourself a little cat 🐈⬛ once you have moved . You can make sure that wherever you end up allows pets firstly.
You mention wanting a pet so another option maybe to join a pet sitting service , where you can go & stay at people’s houses while they are away to just pet sit etc. You have to fill out the application & i believe a small fee but you can then choose when & where you go . That would give you some freedom from home & some happiness with animals.
OR
Volunteer at a Pets Sanctuary/ dog/ cats reining centre. A few hours at the weekend .
You don’t say what of any hobbies you do or if you have a circle of friends but these things would maybe help .
Is there any chance the house could be split so you have your own private apartment? Lots of people do this.
I also wonder if you have ever spoken to your aunt- is she as unhappy as you have been led to believe or is this just your parent’s projection along with not renting? What about your sister who has been able to leave? If you have a disability there are organisations out there that can help you achieve independence as others have suggested if this is practical. If this isn’t possible you need to accept it and make the best of it. Maybe your parents feel sorry for you and are doing their best to make life easier for you as they see it. Stop resenting them and concentrate on the positives. I saw one young man sleeping rough on the streets of Bath and I was touched by his plight. There’s always someone worst off.
You made yourself dependent on them not the other way around. Maybe this is there way of showing you your future unless you stand on your own 2 feet.
Adult children still at home ruin retirement. Move out!
Dear Lilac Rain, I've read your original post, as well as this one, and all the replies. I'm wondering if, through no fault of your own, you have talked yourself into a situation and can't see a way out. To that end, instead of being on here (although we're a sympathetic, caring bunch and prepared to listen), if you truly want things to change, maybe you should consider seeing a counsellor. They would be able to give you coping strategies and maybe even a way out, if that's what you truly want.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
