Dad's Ashes

Ashes are just symbolic. They are not really ashes. I won't say what they are here as some people may not like it. I would not want them either.

That has really upset me GreatGM60 and I expect others will feel as I do. I wish you hadn’t said that and I hope with all my heart it’s not true. So distressing.

I went with my brother to bury my mum’s ashes in the grounds of the crematorium. I found it really traumatic and even today l remember it as a very negative experience which l would not recommend.

This is really sad.

I plan to be buried. My family will know where I am and once interred there is nothing to do except to put up a stone.

I think the whole process of cremation is cruel as it prolongs the process and causes heartache like this.

I do so understand how you feel. When my mum was in hospital and then died three years ago my dad didn’t want to visit her there (went once) and her funeral was the simplest and quickest there could be. Her ashes were scattered (plus her sister’s who died six weeks later) half on their father’s grave and half in the rose garden. Dad didn’t attend, just myself, my cousin and all the grandchildren.
I still feel terrible that we didn’t give mum a better send off; her funeral was very impersonal - no music or poetry- and very different to my aunt’s six weeks later.
But. I had to honour dad’s decisions which I’m sure were made because he couldn’t bear to see mum in pain and then that he didn’t think he could hold it together for a longer service. Also why did he have to hold it together? Just very stiff upper lip, do my best and get on with it attitude I guess.
So yes, sadly I think it’s a case of just accepting that you and your mum are dealing with things very differently x

GreatGM60

Ashes are just symbolic. They are not really ashes. I won't say what they are here as some people may not like it. I would not want them either.

Ashes are bones.

Each person must be allowed to grieve in their own way. There is no right or wrong way.

Some of my family had planned to be cremated, but after attending my husband’s woodland burial, they have decided that is what they would prefer.

My mum had her hair done the day my dad died and didn't go to the funeral. As other people have commented, we all grieve differently.

It is an emotional time both for you and your mum.

Please do not let your hurt that she did not want to see the final disposal of your dad's ashes, or that she did not realise you needed her there.

As others have said, we all grieve differently, and progress through our mourning at different speeds and in different ways.

Could you perhaps go on a walk or a drive to some place that meant a lot to your dad and stand there for a while and remember him? If this consoles you, you can repeat it as often as you like.

I’m sorry your mum didn’t attend the burial of your dad’s ashes, I hope she doesn’t regret this later on. It can be difficult to know what to do with our loved one’s ashes.

Both my parents ashes were kept in the crypt at the crematorium. As both my brothers live quite far away, I was the only one who went to dust the caskets and place flowers in the room of remembrance on their birthdays and anniversaries. After a discussion with my brothers I removed the caskets and my brother got special containers from his local funeral directors. We filled 3 containers with some of mum ashes and 3 with dads. These will be placed in wash of our coffins and will be buried or cremated with us. The ashes that were left over were scattered on my grans grave. My brother also had a beautiful pendant with a small amount of each of their ashes and gave this to me on my 60th birthday. I wear it most day.

When my Mum died she didn't want any one place to be a memorial or a shrine. She saw how badly my Dad felt when they moved away from where his Mother was buried snd he couldn't visit her grave as his health deteriorated. She didn't want me to have that worry. A grave or a plaque is just a thing. It has no connection to your memories or your love for the dead.

My friend’s MiL arranged the cheapest possible cremation for her DiL and said that nobody needed to attend, she certainly wasn’t going to go. She said it would be what he would want. My friend felt mortified but her husband said that was just the way his dad was, he hated fuss of any kind. Her MiL went away to Dorset to stay with her sister when the ceremony took place, my friend and her husband attended but said it was awful, they wished they hadn’t gone but felt they had to.
We all have different ideas about the kind of funeral we want perhaps it would help if this was discussed beforehand. As for the OP perhaps this is the way the deceased wanted it to be.

When my husband died, we knew he wanted his ashes to be interred in his parents’ grave. When the ashes were to be collected from the funeral director, I didn’t want them in the house, my son looked after them till the day of the interment. I’m not sure why I didn’t want to be near them, too physical a reminder of his death, I suppose. Anyway, I suspect your Mum feels the same, and she would have found it too upsetting to witness the scattering of the ashes. It’s not because she’s uncaring, it’s because she cares so much.

People deal with death in different ways. I went to see my son in the mortuary the day he died, but his father couldn't face it. Neither of us even considered being judgemental of the other. Two of his uncles couldn't face attending the funeral and nobody judged them negatively either. My husband and I have an agreement that there won't be a conventional funeral, because it puts people under pressure to be there by hook or by crook. Whichever of us is left behind will attend the other's cremation by ourselves and will only tell other people about it afterwards (so they don't take it into their heads to attend anyway, taking time off work or travelling long distances, etc). This is a great opportunity of deepening your relationship with your mother, just by letting her know you respect her choice.

Your mum has my sympathy. My DH decided he wanted to be cremated and that his ashes should be scattered. He had never had to do this himself as all his family members had a burial.
I found I hated it. I brought the ashes home and hated having them in the house. I scattered them according to his wishes but found it all quite traumatic.
I too will be cremated but my ashes will be buried in our churchyard and they will stay at the undertakers until this is done.

Suzy - you are being unreasonable in this case because you can't expect to dictate to your mother how she handles that part of her grief that your father's ashes represent. As everyone else has said, and I guess at our ages we've all had personal experience of grief, it's different in every single case. As a grief therapist with much experience of death in a hospice environment, I know that people have their own individual narratives for managing their changed lives after the loss of someone very important. Your mother has maybe decided to live in the present - hence the appointment with her hairdresser. You can help your own mourning by returning to the spot where the ashes are buried, by yourself as often as you like. It will be very personal to you. Your mother will grieve in her own way. I'm sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. Your pain is equally valid as your mother's and vice-versa but it will ease if you manage your expectations of her.

I know,just how your mum feels,I lost my husband last month to dementia,he was only 76 and we had been married for 50 years,we met when I was 17 and he was 23,my son,daughter and myself went for a non attendance funeral,because I couldn't bare to be there and have everyone watching me,seeing me cry,instead on the day and time of his funeral,I lit a candle for him at home,and played his favourite music,yes I had a cry,my husbands ashes were returned to me,a week ago,and I have put him,where he can see what's going on,he wanted his ashes scattered on his mums grave,but at the moment, I am not ready to let him go,and it brings me comfort to have his ashes here,please don't judge your mum,we all deal with grief differently,it's a very personal journey,for everyone of us

SuzyQqq I suspect your Mum has coped with all she can manage and has to stop now. It must be so painful for you both. I suspect she just can’t do anymore for a bit. Be proud of yourself for coping with this part for her. She will always have somewhere to go in the future if she wants to. Well done

My husband died over 8 years ago, after 53 years of marriage. He wanted to be cremated, and the family took his ashes to his favourite place, a tiny seaside hamlet in Kintyre, Soop knows where. My daughter died a few weeks ago, her ashes are now in the front room, what was her bedroom, waiting for me to pop my clogs, then we are both going to join my husband. It was distressing to be at the scattering, in the sea, but I couldn`t have not been there.

SueEH

GreatGM60

Ashes are just symbolic. They are not really ashes. I won't say what they are here as some people may not like it. I would not want them either.

Ashes are bones.

Just to re-iterate this for Barleyfields. Ashes are the bones. Just the same the remains in a burial.💐

Your mum knows where your dad's ashes are buried, SuzyQ. She may decide to visit the place, she may not. She will mourn him her own way, as we all must.
My DH's ashes are in the coat cupboard. They've been there for two years. I've told the AC to mix mine in with his when I die, and dispose of them anywhere they like. All we ever wanted was to be together.

It's just very final, isn't it.

There aren't so many burials now but we went to the funeral of a friend a while ago; it was a burial and seeing his coffin being lowered into the ground seemed worse, somehow.

I agee with other peoples answers. No one knows how you will feel until it happens to you. So may I make a suggestion? Perhaps you would like to look back over your time with your dad, and think of the place or time that meant the most to you. Then you could go to that place, take a picnic which contains food that meant something to you both, and just go yourself to be able to sit and think of all the lovely times you shared. You may find that sad but lovely as you look back over the evidence of the love you shared. If you are able to have an occasion that has nothing to do with other people but has much meaning to you and your dad. Take that time to acknowledge all this meant to you and you may find it quite calming and accepting the way you feel , as you come to accept your mothers feelings. To actually speak about how you feel can be extremely painful, and she may not feel able to explain why she behaved as she did, or if her strategy worked and it helped her to survive.

Our two sets of parents ashes were left at the crem. There is no right or wrong way.

Although my mum attended my dad’s funeral, she never ever visited his grave again. When asked, she said: what’s the point, he isn’t there anyway, I can remember him just as well at home.