Inconsiderate

If you can afford it and have access to funds, book yourself into a nice local hotel for a few days and recuperate and let your husband entertain his friend in whichever way he feels fit.

I wish you a speedy recovery and when you are full fit again think very carefully about your future plans.

Good luck

woodenspoon

I’m worried about this lady. We all know what we would do, what she should do…..but we don’t know much more than what she’s told us. If she does make a stand what would be his reaction? Violence? To become that downtrodden after so many years means there’s a bit more to know I think. Hope she’s in no danger.

Sadly, I agree. We don’t know how her husband will react.

Oh, have had shingles a few times and the pain is awful. Years ago, there wasn't the cream the doc gives you, and am scarred down my neck. Hate to say this, but you should expect some consideration in the family as this illness takes some weeks - even months to clear. I would make sure your other half knows what you are going through.

I am so sorry to hear you are not well and I do hope you get better soon - but what an inconsiderate and selfish man your husband must be! I had to stop reading because I felt so annoyed! I hope he hasn’t been this inconsiderate throughout your married life! Serves him right if HE gets shingles - although he would expect you to wait on him hand and foot - and of course, being a man, he would have it ten times worse than you! Grrrrr…..

I had a husband like this once ie abusive I don't now and Im much happier and indeed healthier

I’ve had shingles and know the pain involved. I told my own husband about this lady and her dilemma and he was appalled. He knows the pain involved and how it affected me for several weeks. I had the anti virals too but was still in extreme pain.

I’m lucky, I know, my husband is kind and supportive but, as he says, fish n chips, a Cook meal or similar - anybody could put that together even this lady’s DH. I hope she gets better soon and things improve.

So sorry you had to deal with this! I had shingles a few years ago before I retired. I was meant to go on a school trip to France and Belgium. I initially said I would still be prepared to go as the doctor tole me I was only a risk if anyone was vulnerable or pregnant. My boss told me to go home and take the time off until I was better. I was glad in the end as I felt progressively worse and wouldn't have coped. I'd done the trip the year before too and it was fairly exhausting.

I hit 70 last year and asked for the jab immediately afterwards as I don't want to get it again. I know people who had it much worse than me!

When you are well enough you need a serious conversation with your inconsiderate husband. Someone who behaves like this is unlikely to change so you really need to take stock of the situation and make some hard decisions. I've been divorced a long time but I still remember the one time I had a migraine and my ex had to cook. He was up and down the stairs asking advice the whole time. Again my own fault as I preferred to keep the kitchen my territory. He cooks all the time nowadays but his new partner must have the patience of a saint! I couldn't stand the mess he made in the kitchen! Good luck whatever you decide!

I hope you feel better soon x

You poor poor lady, you deserve so much better.........enough said

I would have done what you did. I like retiring to my room with a good book. If hubby invites people round when I am ill I make a point of not doing any cooking or housework. If I want anything I come down stairs in my dressing gown and do exactly what you did. I used to dance attendance on my husband because he was ill. He came to expect it. Now I do as I please and ignore him if he gets grumpy. I can’t change his behaviour but I can change my own.

V3ra

Has your husband told his friend you have shingles? He might prefer to meet elsewhere anyway rather than risk catching it himself!

As for your husband telling you to stay upstairs, who is he to tell you what to do in your own home? 😳

This was exactly my thoughts. Even though, as a doctor told me you cannot catch shingles from shingles or shingles from chickenpox (you can catch chickenpox from shingles, as my daughter proved when she was three), I don’t think many people would want to take the risk. A couple of years ago, I had a parent emailing to let me know that her son had chickenpox, but, as it was very mild, was l happy for him to come to his piano lesson as usual? This was a first for me in forty years and, even though l knew there was no risk to me or any member of my family, I still didn’t want to take any chances, so it was a very definite no from me.
Lynn57, l hope you are soon very much better and please take no more nonsense from your husband.

aright now you need to look after yourself as your husband cannot be depended upon to do anything. So, I suggest you think just what YOU want to do. Think of what food you could enjoy at the moment and order a take away at a time that suits you. Of course, only a takeaway for yourself. Then when it arrives , just see how you feel. If you feel more comfortable sat in your dressing gown in front of the tv then just get what you need and settle down there. If you would feel better eating it in bed then collect it and take it up with you. Make no excuses or explanations, just the usual good evening and excuse me if you need to pass them. If you dont feel well you do not want to bandy words or be involved in any conversation with a stranger so I would check what programme you might enjoy on the tv or radio and just carry on and make as good an evening for yourself as you can.

Just dont get into any arguments. If your husband asks what you are doing or anything just look at him and say "surely you told X that I am ill?" You absolutely have him there. If he says no and his friend has any decency about him he will think your husband has behaved badly and excuse himself and leave, preferably with your husband. If he says yes he knew then he is as bad as your husband and you need not worry what he thinks and serve him right if he gets shingles too. (By the way if in time you get better and your husband gets shingles please treat him as he treated you!)

When this period is over and you are recovered, you can at least use this as a good memory to remind you of his behaviour when you needed support and help and let that be the thing that helps you decide what you want in life and how you may achieve it. As far as we know we only have one life and it sounds as though life on your own would be at least more peaceful and self fulfilling than life is at the moment with him.
I do hope that you soon feel well and that things pick up for you in the future. Best wishes for a speedy recovery

This is probably very naughty and only you know enough about your relationship to answer it.
Is there any way you can order a takeaway and get it delivered at a time when your husband's guests are there? Preferably put the bill on his credit card.

What madeleine said. It would be great to have the opportunity to use that line to your husband's guest that MrDarcy uses in the Pride and Prejudice film: "You will excuse me", to which you can add perfectly truthfully, "I am not very well."

Then disappear upstairs or into another room.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this lack of empathy when you’re ill.

And it does seem to me that’s the crux of the deeper problem here, that he seems to take you for granted. For ex. If I was ill but had been able to fix simple meals, I could see my husband asking me if I’d mind him having a couple of friends over, since they lived out of town and it would be a more cozy visit. And I could see myself saying sure, if you handle the tidying up and refreshments. I’ll just hang out in the bedroom for a couple of hours. Problem solved, and I’d want to accommodate him because he’d have shown concern for me.

But that same situation looks much different when you haven’t been treated like someone worthy of consideration. Ouch!

Since this is apparently a longstanding problem, I’d first consider if you are actually afraid of him or if he’s simply become spoiled through the years, perhaps from a combination of him having a tendency to be self-centered and you having a tendency to be overly accommodating, or similar personality characteristics.

If he is abusive, I’d guess a good starting place, if nothing else, might be reading about abusive relationships on the internet.

If you feel like it’s more that he’s just too used to being catered to, maybe, if nothing else right now, a good book on assertiveness training could be the start of a positive and lasting change.

Just my thoughts. Best wishes.

This man's behaviour is completely unacceptable. Can you contact friends or relatives for support?

It does sound as if your husband lacks empathy and basic consideration. He should be organising drinks etc for his friend, not you, and he should be looking after you. Shingles is a nasty and painful illness and you need to rest.

As others have said, organise food to be delivered if he is so helpless and when you feel better, it will be time to talk firmly and clearly to him about his attitude towards you.

Sorry but I think your husband is being very selfish and uncaring! I've had shingles and it's painful and horrible. Do not cook or anything else if you can can you go to a friend's for the evening? If you must stay home let your husband cook etc or get them a takeaway.. I would go upstairs and watch tv only because I don't feel well enough to try and be nice to guests. They're you're husband's friends not yours, let him deal with it!

so many good replies
A good friend told me that when you're not feeling well, tell your spouse & then take care of your self - rest, put your feet up, make a cup of tea or whatever relaxes you,etc. Respect yourself & how you feel. Take care of you.
Don't whine or complain- just clearly state you need to rest & then do it.
Your husband is an adult & will handle his own problem.
Often the caregiver is expected to keep on doing (caregiving) no matter what & that can make one feel resentful

Ask your DH to read this thread? The nuclear option.

Don't cook Go to bed & tell your husband to get a takeaway

Goodness, you really do need to put yourself first for once, especially while so ill. Maybe say you won't be doing anything to cater for anyone as you feel so awful and just let him get on with it.

Just had another thought. You could be looking through brochures or maps just to find somewhere you would like to visit. Dont book anywhere as you need to feel totally well and you dont know how long things are going to take to feel better yet. Quietly, as you feel up to it, find yourself somewhere you can enjoy thinking about at the moment, and you could also decide whether you would like to just have the pleasure of doing exactly what you want , when you want, or you might prefer to have a friend with you, so you could check with them if they are free to come away with you for a trip. The other thing you might consider is Do you have something that you have always thought about doing but never got round to it? Well this is exactly your opportunity.Especially if he has previously poo poo'd the idea before. So find out all the details, and how to get there and then just book it without saying anything to your husband. Then when you are ready and feeling better, you pack your bag and when he says where are you going? you just say Oh I A booked a few days learning bridge/woodwork/flower arranging , and I am going today. Of course if you have a joint account you pay in advance from that account or a credit card or whatever so that you dont have to pay for it yourself alone.Again, you dont have a row or stand up with him or any arguments, you just put your coat on and get your bag and say quietly see you next saturday or whatever. Leave yourself plenty of time to get to the station or whatever, but that way whatever he says or tries to get you to change your plans you are on your way and it is made plain to him that you have your own ideas and that you will not be bullied by him any more.

Two aims for this situation. That after your illness you have an enjoyable few days and come home with a new skill, or you have made new friends, who know you for yourself and not from his version of you. In case you were beginning to accept his warped idea of reality, meeting other normal sensible people who treat you in a civilised manner, reminds you that HE is the one who is out of step not you.So when you go home you are clearly returning as yourself, in your own right and that from now on a different way of life will begin to happen. Whether that means that you both can find a new way of living together, or it becomes clear that you will have a better and more peaceful life to live on your own. Whatever you decide, you will be making your own choice, as is your right and his domannering manner will no longer cut the mustard!! Good luck and remember we are all here to remind you that you are fine and have the right to a decent life, Reclaim your life and enjoy it!

Please let us know how you got on Lyn57 as we are all thinking of you and very concerned! xx

You should not be treated like this especially when you’re unwell. Tell them shingles is contagious so you’re staying upstairs. Once you’re better you need to find the strength to tackle your situation. You deserve to be happy and content.

Dear Lynn57. I have one word to describe your husband. POMPOUS. I was married to a pompous man for a number of years before I woke up. And like all pompous men he was a bit of a bully. You are worth so much more. I hope you are fully recovered soon and please be kind to yourself. You've put up with this man for too long already. Time to put yourself first now and enjoy your life.