Inconsiderate

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Don't stay upstairs when they come. Don't offer to make them a drink and most definitely do not even think about preparing anything for them to eat.

Let them see how unwell you are and what a selfish and uncaring man your husband is.

I hope you feel better soon .

Shingles is a horrible illness, I have had it on my upper chest, you must be feeling really wiped out right now. It can also be contagious until all the blisters have scabbed over. Perhaps your husband should tell his friend this then suggest he meet him at the hotel instead.
Right now I have a pretty awful virus but am definitely not cooking, my OH is no great cook but he will pick up a pan and empty a tin of soup in it as occasion demands. Your husband may be the way he is because you have always done things for him and never vice versa, obviously you shouldn't feel under any pressure to confront him about this whilst feeling so ill but do be assertive about wanting him to go to see his friend. The other conversation about him doing more for you when you need him to can wait until you recover.
Having to hide away upstairs whilst he is downstairs doesn't sound very nice. Am sure his friend will understand if he changes the plans.
All the best with this.
xx

Why not get a cake in the morning or a selection (bought in) and just do tea and cake.
Set it up nicely, so you feel you are being welcoming.

If you can't bear the thought of that, ask your husband to get (say) 2 cream cakes, two Danish pastries and 2 éclairs. Set up a tea tray ready whilst he's out.

I wouldn't go out. You might be better saying "hello" and just excusing yourself upstairs.

I would be more than cross too - but I also know it wouldn't be as bad as you fear.
... and

If your DH wants to feed his friend he can go down to the local chippy/Indian take away and provide drinks himself.

Come downstairs in your lounge ware, make yourself a cup of tea and then go back upstairs without saying anything. With luck the friend will feel awkward and your shameless DH might just be aware that hos behaviour is not acceptable.

Facial shingles are painful and frightening.
I have every sympathy for you .
Usually shingles are a sign of being run down.
You need rest ,extra vitamins and a good diet.

Please learn to say NO .

You aren't a domestic , who has to prepare food and drink and stay out of the way.

Thank you yes tbh it’s my fault as I’ve let him get away with things for far too many years.

I'm not sure what to say to this one.
You are ill with a cold and another infectious and distressing disease; shingles, which older people can now be vaccinated against because it can cause complications.
Not surprisingly, you don't feel up to cooking.
Your DH doesn't want to travel 12 miles to visit a friend in the hotel he's staying in, but seems to want that friend to come to your home?
You are still cooking for your DH despite being unwell.
Your DH has said you can stay upstairs when the visitor comes although he could drive to see his friend elsewhere.
Now you're saying you could go out for a long walk instead, and if you were ok you would have made food and drink for them?
Now I think you are asking if your DH is being inconsiderate?
If you haven't figured this one out you need some serious life lessons!
I once had such an inconsiderate husband but no more... I think I would book myself into a luxury spa hotel for a few days, but you're ill.
When you're well I'd seek the services of a good solicitor and get rid...

Lyn57

Thank you yes tbh it’s my fault as I’ve let him get away with things for far too many years.

Not your fault, you did too much for him but he took advantage of this, never blame yourself, there is never any need for someone to exploit another person's kindness and generosity. I didn't mean to imply that you were at fault by saying you probably have done too much for him and he never returned the favour.
Once you have recovered you need to have a conversation with him about give and take in a marriage and how you feel he is taking too much and not giving back.
He needs to know.

Thank you

Tbh I think I know that I should have left years ago we’ve been married 49 years , he is a bit domineering , I said about why not go to the hotel as bit awkward when I don’t feel well , but he said if he wants his friend to visit him at home who am I to tell him he can’t ! But once I get over this I’m going to tackle his attitudes. Thank you

I’ve had shingles and it’s a nasty illness with great pain in some cases. It might be an idea to take a sleeping pill and spend the day in bed. Suddenly, have a relapse. Tell Your husband you feel awful and he will have to do the entertaining of these friends. I’m assuming there’s no physical threat to you? When you’re better, you will be able to think more clearly.
I hope you recover soon.

The main thing is that you do absolutely nothing to facilitate this visit, no catering, not even a cup of tea, if you are still at the living in dressing gown and slipper stage, stay that way, use the house as you usually do and make sure you have enough food for yourself, which you prepare and eat as if DH and friend were not there.

This is where the worm turns and you treat your DH with the same disregard he treats you.

Tell your husband he will have to meet his friend outside of the house and go for lunch somewhere as it’s your home too and you’re not well and should not be made to feel uncomfortable. I realy hope u feel beta soon

Lyn57

Tbh I think I know that I should have left years ago we’ve been married 49 years , he is a bit domineering , I said about why not go to the hotel as bit awkward when I don’t feel well , but he said if he wants his friend to visit him at home who am I to tell him he can’t ! But once I get over this I’m going to tackle his attitudes. Thank you

Lyn life is short if you feel you would be happier without your husband than with him then I think you already know what to do. Nobody can make this decision for you but please do come back on here to ask for advice and support whatever you decide to do.
Sometimes is a question of ripping off the plaster.
xx

LTB.

Tell him to meet his friend outside your house very inconsiderate of him. I do hope you feel better soon x

Lyn57

Tbh I think I know that I should have left years ago we’ve been married 49 years , he is a bit domineering , I said about why not go to the hotel as bit awkward when I don’t feel well , but he said if he wants his friend to visit him at home who am I to tell him he can’t ! But once I get over this I’m going to tackle his attitudes. Thank you

Your answer to that is that your house belongs to both of you and as he is doing what he wants to, so are you.

Add that what you really want to do is to order a takeaway for one and sit in your own living room to eat it, then you want to watch your choice of program on the TV, with your feet up. This is because you are ill and need to be kind to yourself.

You are sure his friend won't mind about this, you will say, but don't forget to tell him that I have shingles and a bad cough. The shingles is very infectious and is a really nasty thing to catch, and I am not sure whether the cough is Covid. Perhaps the pair of you should sit in the kitchen away from the germs and the coughing.

If this doesn't put him (or the friend) off, remember to cough and splutter a lot while you sit opposite them in the living room wiith the TV on, and keep a big box of tissues beside you, and a waste-paper basket to throw the soggy ones into.

Give him an object lesson in WHY you don't want him to meet his friend at home right now.

But of course (you will say) that doesn't mean that you can't do what you want as well, just that you need to think of the consequences.

Has your husband told his friend you have shingles? He might prefer to meet elsewhere anyway rather than risk catching it himself!

As for your husband telling you to stay upstairs, who is he to tell you what to do in your own home? 😳

Sort yourself out, before this friend comes. Take a flask of coffee/tea and any foods you need and settle down upstairs until he goes. Your husband sounds a real piece of work!

I know you probably don't feel like it while you are ill but you need to think about getting away from this obnoxious man. Your welfare should be his priority not a visit from a friend and he should put your comfort first.

My friend was very ill with facial shingles AND she d had the vaccination
Very nasty of him I d tell him you’re still infectious and if he still insists on bringing him over I d stay out the way let him do the catering and entertaining and give yourself some self love with a good book some sweets a glass of wine or whatever gives you pleasure and rest
When you’re better give your head a wobble and do some clear thinking as to whether you want to stay or go

Why on earth should you stay upstairs? I’m sure your husband’s friend would be uncomfortable if he knew that was happening, as would most normally considerate men.

Shingles is a legitimate excuse to insist your husband rearranges things, both for your sake and for the sake of the (presumably) unsuspecting friend. Can you put your foot down? You’d be quite justified in doing so.

Otherwise, don’t lift a finger, rest and relax in your own home and don’t hide yourself away upstairs, and if your husband’s friend sees you’re unwell and really not up to entertaining, perhaps he’ll show your husband how to have a little consideration.

Your husband has invited his friend so he should entertain him. If you put in an appearance you could say you are feeling ill with shingles and a cold and unfortunately not able to prepare a meal, then retreat upstairs as your husband suggested and leave them to it.