Am I overacting?

I am a step-mum. DH has 2 sons. We have one GS and GD on the way. We all live in the same city (as does their mum and her DH). I would say don’t forget that this baby’s other grandparents will be equally excited and committed to their son’s new offspring. We do inevitable do more than our DIL’s parents, just because we are nearby. But remember that you have years ahead to build a relationship with your new grandchild. These early days are often a bewildering blur for a new mum, and providing loving support to your daughter is the best thing you can do right now. Perhaps send a little note telling her how proud you are of her and how much you’re looking forward to the future relationship with her new family? With a little personal ‘pamper’ gift for her? The last thing she needs right now is to be managing your hurt feelings. It’s time to pull on those big girl pants, take a deep breath and rejoice in a happy event.

My first two grandkids were born in NZ with the other grandparents in the next street
It’s just how it is sometimes
When my grandson was about 7 months old I went to visit for 3 weeks My son asked me if I could have him for half an hour as my daughter in law and his workshifts overlapped for a short while
As soon as my son had gone out the door to work his mother in law flies in picks the baby up and says I’ll look after him I said it’s ok we re fine and she whisked him up and took him in the other room ( I ve never really forgiven or forgotten that ) but it stays inside my head and heart

My daughter gave birth to twins and one was born with a complicated condition that meant he needed a lot of extra care. They lived about four and a half hours drive from here and we tried to get to see them one weekend a month or they came up to us. My son in law's mother lived about 2 hours from them. My daughter and her husband would have appreciated more help from either set of parents and we would gladly have given it but we were working full-time. When the little ones were 2 years old my son in law got a transfer in his job close to his mother's home . He was missing his family and the village of his birth too. Thankfully his mother was a great help with the little ones. They adored her and although she had other grandchildren that she loved very much, she often said that the twins were special. When the twins were seven years old their lovely Granny died very suddenly. I am so glad that she had that brief five years of seeing them regularly. They remember her with love and affection. She was a delightful lady. Her husband, it was a second marriage and they each had lost their first partners to death, was also a very good and loving man. After his wife died my daughter and her husband were able to support him through various illnesses and when he died , he knew he was dying, and the whole family were in and out of the hospital throughout the month before he died. We still live three and a half hours from where they live as opposed to four and a half. We have a regular phone call with my daughter every weekend. The twins and my son in law keep in regular touch and include us in all their news. We all do our best to see each other once a month, although it is more difficult at the moment as they are visiting prospective universities most weekends. We could not be emotionally any closer. We never argue as the time together is too precious. Of course we would love to have them nearer, but we are very grateful for what we have. We even have their dog coming to us for holidays when they go away. We adore him and I thoroughly spoil him, so he enjoys coming here too. Please don't resent your daughter's in laws, they will be offering love and support to your daughter's family when you cannot easily be with them. Each loving relationship is different and individual. that means that one loving relationship does not take love from another. There is unlimited love to go around and the more of it the better.

I would feel upset too. My daughter lives 200 miles away and her parents in law in the same town. But she is quite skilful in making me no. 1 granny and her MIL is sensitive to the situation. No way would she have had either of us there at the birth and neither of would have wanted to be. Definitely daddy's role

If I’m truly honest I would feel the same pain, my daughters mil lives a long way away. When my DIL had my son’s baby I felt very left out!! It was hard. I feel for you.

I am a bit surprised you didn’t make arrangements with your daughter regarding visiting before the baby was born, whether she wanted visitors in hospital or at home, or not at all. Maybe she would have been pleased if you had arranged to stay in a hotel nearby so you could help out at home in the early days, or when her husband goes back to work? Is it too late to suggest the latter?
Or maybe your daughter didn’t actually want anybody around, and her MiL is not as welcome as she thinks she is.
Whatever the situation, you won’t be any use if you come across as being upset.

It's perfectly understandable for you to be feeling left out and upset pollypink and perhaps not something those who've not had this experience can understand.

It's such a shame when a much looked forward too event that should bring so much happiness becomes tinged with sadness.

Your D's inlaw's proximity is I'm sure the reason why they are more involved at this time. Perhaps you could look into hotels/B&B's/Air B&B's and then ask your D what she thinks to you booking somewhere to stay so you can be there to help out with whatever she needs.

Good grief BlueberryPie, I don't think that talking about relationship dissatisfaction, the relationship not being as close as the OP believes and bringing estrangement into the discussion is relevant or particularly helpful.

I have been in the same situation. - too far from my DD and lovely SiL to be of any help. His mother lived just seven doors away and was a great help and support. I was so glad that she was there when I couldn’t be.

I’ve had two wonderful mother-in-laws, who helped me no end when I needed them, as my own mother was not in a position to do so.

Be thankful and glad that your DD has a MiL that she gets on with and who can, and will, help when she can. You have, I hope, many years ahead of you to bond with and have fun with your GS.

I have just realised something that I'd never thought of before... when my daughter-in-law went into hospital with my son, expecting the birth of their first baby (and as nothing much was going on) she was feeling quite vulnerable.

Maybe because I was less emotionally connected to her than her own mum, she called me from the hospital to talk about some things that were bothering her and my son said "can you come over for a bit". I was taken aback but obviously went.

I left after a couple of hours and never thought much about it but recently she spoke of those waiting hours and how grateful she was.
Her mum and I live just a few hundred yards apart - but sometimes the person who is less important to you is useful.

I know her love for her mum is much more than her love for me but had the labour suddenly got going, I would have been the one there (or in the waiting area).

Sometimes the person at your bedside (or in the waiting room) just turns out differently to how you might expect it to be.
There is nothing very predictable about giving birth it seems to me.

Thinking of you.

Maybe dad needed support at the hospital? My daughter lives much nearer her in-laws than me and naturally they help out more than I can. You have to learn that the more people the baby has to love them the better. I made friends with the other gran. We even meet up without the kids. Congratulations

Get over it and don't cause a fuss otherwise you might not see your grandchild very often - if at all.

Pollypink I really feel for you as I live hundreds of miles from 2 of my grandchildren. Don’t feel bad as it does work out. When we see each other the children enjoy their time so much they never want to leave. I get to spend good quality time with them for holidays and we all love it. My other grandchildren don’t live close but they also spend holidays and now FaceTime and things are great.. Even as young babies they seemed to know that grandma loved them. I adore being a grandma and would love to live around the corner but that is never going to happen and we have all adjusted. I hope it works out for you and be thankful that your daughter has someone close by that she can turn to as mine does not. Her in-laws live close but choose not to help.

You are not overreacting at all - I would feel the same way- it’s natural she’s your daughter.
She is thoughtless but it may be a problem if you try to tell her - she possibly just won’t ’get it’ and be defensive and it could make things 10x worse.

Maybe look at this slightly differently? Look at it as your daughter being lucky to have 2 women who think the world of her.

I feel for you pollypink. It's understandable that you feel hurt and left out.
Once all the excitement has passed, as I'm sure you know, it's difficult and tiring caring for a little one. If you can plan a special visit and arrange it with your daughter beforehand, perhaps you could give her a break or at least help her to care for the baby. I'm sure she'll appreciate you being there. You could take some nice food to share, create some lovely memories and take lots of beautiful photos.
Try not to feel resentful. I know it must feel hard but a mother's support can't be underestimated at a time like this.

Thank you everyone for your input. I always thought I had a really good relationship with my daughter and we gave her a loving stable life. Paid for her wedding. House deposit and gave her £5000 for the baby. She was the one who moved further away as all her partners friends were in the same area. The Mil has always been interfering to the point my daughter has said on several occasions she can't take much more of it. I am on the other hand probably too timid and reserved maybe that's why the mil is so involved. It's like she's trying to replace me. I sent several messages to apologise for any upset tonight and will for now just keep my distance.

Both my sons have 2 children [my 4 grandchildren]. The mother's families have seen more of them than I have a lot of the time. It has bugged me at times but of course they are also other people's grandchildren too. We have to accept that and dovetail in with them. In time it all equals out one way or the other as the years go by.

I'm happy that the grandchildren are surrounded by people who love and support them, give them good experiences and love them so much. We all contribute in different ways.

I've been treated fairly, I've done my bit, I've seen all of them lots and the children are just as loving and happy to see me.

Just learn to share and take your turn. It may rankle sometimes but keep it to yourself or the situation could be a lot worse.

Oh pollypink I think it’s understandable you feel so upset. Your latest post makes it clear the mil is perhaps trying to be too involved in your daughter and her son’s lives and this might wear very thin. Just keep out of it.

It doesn’t seem there’s any indication your daughter purposely chose to have mil present at the hospital in preference to you. It may be that your daughter found it difficult to keep her at arm’s length when in fact she might have preferred it to be just herself and your sil. Focus now on your daughter, and as others have suggested, ask her if there’s anything she would like you to do, perhaps offer to visit at some point even if you stay elsewhere, and just be on hand to help out if needed. Your relationship with your daughter is special and no one else can replace you. Your relationship with your grandson will flow from that.

Those that we love can hurt us the most can’t they?
Could you start a bit of a routine? Ask if there’s a day that it would be good for you to visit and ask if you can visit that day every week/fortnight/month.
I only see my son’s daughter on a Sunday, but it’s been going on for 12 years now and we have a lovely relationship. Sunday is dad and grandma day.
Even if it’s just one day a month, as your little grandson gets older he will start to look forward to it.
I’m sorry it’s so tough for you. But at least you’ve seen him and had a cuddle, and he won’t remember anything from his first year anyway. Good luck x

Smileless2012

It's perfectly understandable for you to be feeling left out and upset pollypink and perhaps not something those who've not had this experience can understand.

It's such a shame when a much looked forward too event that should bring so much happiness becomes tinged with sadness.

Your D's inlaw's proximity is I'm sure the reason why they are more involved at this time. Perhaps you could look into hotels/B&B's/Air B&B's and then ask your D what she thinks to you booking somewhere to stay so you can be there to help out with whatever she needs.

Good grief BlueberryPie, I don't think that talking about relationship dissatisfaction, the relationship not being as close as the OP believes and bringing estrangement into the discussion is relevant or particularly helpful.

The part of my post that discussed possible problems in the mother/daughter relationship was clearly marked as an "if."

She asked for everyone's thoughts, not only those you want to hear in regards to your own situation, so your judgment of it are what's not relevant or helpful.

I stand by my post and am not interested in getting dragged into your issues so please do not try to police my posts.

Careful that this MiL doesn't elbow you out of the picture.

This is hard for you and its good to recognise your feelings of jealousy, sadness and so on. Understandable. Name them all to yourself. But please remember that she is and will always be your daughter. Additionally there will no doubt be frictions and challenges living next door to mil. If it was me I would resolve to keep my heart open and to be supportive u can in every way..including with the mil. Let your DD see your maturity and grace shiine thru. Be your unique special self even if u dont get the front seat row. In the end you can't lose.

Pollypink
I have just read the 2nd message and can see a different picture. Your daughter may have been pushed into this and couldn’t get out of it. Bide your time and enjoy what time you can have with your daughter and new baby. I think she is going to need your support to help her cope with her mother-in-law trying to take over. Just let her know you’re there for her and that you would love to help her at home so she can get much needed rest. I think at the moment it maybe you will be her listening ear. I am sure it will work out for the best. Keep us posted and I wish you well.

Pollypink could it be as simple as she drove them to the hospital and stayed there?

My own situation has no bearing on my response to the OP or my response to your post BlueberryPie which you should know if you're aware of what my situation is. I don't have a daughter and had no 'issues' with my sons m's.i.l's.

If you're not interested in getting dragged into (my) issues then I suggest you don't bring them into a discussion, especially when they are totally irrelevant.

As for making accusations of 'policing posts'; I suggest you take a look at your own.

Having read your second post pollypink I agree with Truffle's response. In these early days of being a new mum, although being aware of her m.i.l. being over bearing she probably doesn't feel able to do anything about it so give it time.

She knows you are there for her when she needs you.