Am I overacting?

Oh dear, it is a fact of your situation that you are physically farther away, and the MIL is closer, so it it bound to happen. It doesn't mean that your daughter doesn't value your input as a grandmother any less.

It can seem unfair and yes, it can hurt, but you mustn't show that your are heartbroken or jealous of the other grandmother's time.

Try to stay in contact via video so the little one learns the sound of your voice, and try to arrange your next visit, which must be convenient to the new parents.

Congratulations on the new arrival.
A very loving relationship can be had whether or not you are distant from your new grandchild. Cherish every cuddle, and had the little one over to the next grandparent with love. Love isn't portioned out, it is shared, and grows from that sharing.

Yes you are overreacting, if it were the other way round would you excuse her mother in law reacting like this?
It’s not a competition, enjoy your time with the family when you can, that includes the new parents, not just the baby.. Make yourself useful, pay for a food delivery to help them out, perhaps a laundry service or a one off clean, your time will come.

Yes. Be gracious, you will gain much.

I would also be a loving mum to your daughter and not concentrate on your new grandson.. She will need all the care you can give at the moment from both you and her MIL.. stay close to her and she will want to share her joy with you..

As the mother of daughters I do feel for you. Your DD and her DH live next door to his parents.....
??

Norah

Yes. Be gracious, you will gain much.

Wise words

This is such a common story, usually from first time posters.

As the mother of a son this attitude saddens me greatly.

I just feel so left out. Surely a mother and daughter should share a special bond especially at the time of a new grandson coming into the world, I was so looking forward to this time as I have lost mu father, mother and brother in law all in the past 6 months. This was a little bit of happiness to look forward to and it's just added to my despair

Please be happy your daughter is OK and has safely delivered a beautiful baby boy. You have seen the little one and although a long way away you aren't overseas. You have years to be part of his life. At the moment he only needs his mum.

Life is often not as we imagine it will be - but it can still be beautiful.

Congratulations.

I’m so sorry pollypink. Of course you are sad, I would be too. We want to be there for our daughters at these times and it is hurtful when they show they have no need of us. I would feel exactly the same.

Totally get it. I had something happen when my grandchild was born that I cannot put here. At times it can be difficult. However, I have gained much by keeping my mouth firmly shut, gritting my teeth and getting on with things. I have a good relationship with family and I feel it was worth putting up with a little bit of hurt which, I don't usually think is intentional.

I would say so. The birth of a child is a day for the mother and father. Everybody else will just have to wait.

I'm glad that mine are so close to other gran as I live far away and only see them twice a year.They also have the friendship of cousins of a similar age.

pollypink

I just feel so left out. Surely a mother and daughter should share a special bond especially at the time of a new grandson coming into the world, I was so looking forward to this time as I have lost mu father, mother and brother in law all in the past 6 months. This was a little bit of happiness to look forward to and it's just added to my despair

I'm sorry.

You say you visited the new baby, that's wonderful. Distance away - many don't visit new babies as soon as you were able, hold on to happy thoughts of the visit whilst awaiting the next visit.

You've a happy future with daughter and baby - perhaps just wait patiently.

wibblywobblywobblebottom

I would say so. The birth of a child is a day for the mother and father. Everybody else will just have to wait.

I think the issue here is the other GM is NOT having to wait.

I do feel sorry for the OP.

Pollypink

I think your feelings are quite natural, but for now bite your tongue and simply ask your daughter when it would work for you to come and help her with baby and enjoy.

Congratulations

I think everyone can relate to a degree but you are overreacting and you need to take a deep breath. You'll get plenty of time with your grandson in the future if you manage to keep your feelings under control.

I am presuming you are seeing posts on social media? they don;t always tell the truth

I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. I would be the same.

There is however a massive red flag here in that his parents live right next door! That’s not quite normal I think.

There's no rule to say that family members have the slightest right to be present at the delivery. For my part, I didn't even want my husband there, much less my mother & mil. I wanted a hospital delivery surrounded by properly-qualified people. Then I wanted a few hours' peace before visiting time. Much less stressful than dealing with the angst of other people's minute-by-minute reactions! Your daughter presumably wanted what she got, which is exactly what any woman deserves to have - if she didn't want her mil there, then better luck next time to her!

Pollypink, I do feel for you. I would dearly love to see my grandchildren but my DD's father and in-laws pull the strings. Please don't get yourself too upset, if possible. My heart breaks for you and all other Nanna's in this position. My grandchildren will be getting a box of cards and gifts, either when they seek me out or on my demise. In the meantime I just pray that common sense will prevail, although I am not holding my breath.

My DIL mother lives in the USA, so I'm the mother in law who is the closest, I saw our first GC when she was just a few hours old, tbh this should have been my DIL mother's, not me.
I do feel for my DIL's mother as she only gets to see /hear from them through the power of Wats app.
She's not wealthy and my son has several times paid for her to visit, but she hasn't come over for a while as my Son hasn't got the spare cash. Especially as the Air Fare has gone up considerably.
Sometimes it can't be helped but hopefully it will be fine soon for you. Big congratulations Granny 💐

You need to count your blessings your daughter and the baby are safe and well You saw your grandchild Get your jealousy under control you're only hurting yourself

I'm SO sorry that this has happened to you OP, particularly as you've clearly had a rough time lately. In all honesty, it's usually the MIL of new Mums who loses out, so when you read on here about a MIL who doesn't get to see as much of her grand baby as she would like, you will be able to empathise.

Can I ask please how far away you actually live from your daughter, and why, ie, did you move away from them, or did they move away from you, perhaps for work, or to be closer to your SIL's parents? Is there any chance that you could move closer, so that you can be more involved in your GC's lives, as time goes by? Also, does your DD have room for you to go and stay, so that you can help with things while she recovers from the birth and gets into a routine with the new baby? Obviously if they do have room, you will need to ask carefully, so as not to appear jealous of the IL's, and so that your DD doesn't feel obliged to host you, she and her DH may want it to be just the two of them and the baby until they find their feet. If you can afford it, it might actually be better to stay as close by as you can, in an hotel or B&B or something, so that you don't get the disturbed nights, and are well rested to help your DD, if she allows it.

I must admit that I'm a little surprised that you don't appear to have considered that this might have happened, and made arrangements to be around for your DD the birth was imminent, unless of course he arrived early.

I really feel for you. Being left out with a very closed loved one hurts terribly. It hurts even more when it comes on top of other recent traumas and when others are not left out and when it's unexpected.

That said, first, I'd take a deep breath and try to let this go for at least a couple of months. As I'm sure you know, since you brought it up here and not with your daughter, engaging in any kind of upset with your daughter right now will only make everything worse.

I think it's quite possible there's been a misunderstanding. For ex., the couple wanted this to be with their new little family only, but weren't assertive enough to say it. But the other grandmother could have noticed what was going on next door and included herself, with your daughter and her husband simply feeling unable to ask her to leave. That's one possible explanation and I'm sure there are others.

If it was not some kind of misunderstanding, then it's possible the relationship between you and your daughter isn't actually as good from her perspective as it is from your perspective.

Imo it's not all that uncommon for one party in a relationship to be shocked to discover that the other party doesn't feel the same way they do about the relationship. Or at least to be shocked to discover the extent of the other person's negative feelings, since we all know no relationship is perfect and we must all tolerate some imperfection. A grown child cuts a parent off, a spouse walks out, a boss fires you, all seeming to the person on the receiving end like it came out of nowhere.

But imo perhaps more likely, the "bomb" finally drops when the "bombing" party can't take any more (regardless of each side's actual right-doing and wrong-doing in that relationship. Maybe some people are just more resilient than others, among other possibilities there).

Then we want to lay blame on one side or the other, for the relationship problems and also for how the dissatisfaction was handled. "I sacrificed so much for you when you were growing up and you're ungrateful." "You never listened to me." "If you were so unhappy, why didn't you say so?" "Well, you did x, y, z." "Well, you didn't do x, y, z." "It's your spouse's fault, the in-laws' influence, etc."

But maybe it's more accurate and fair to say the relationship was dysfunctional, to some extent at least, but everybody kept going with it because that's just what we often do, and then it finally reached a level for one party that it broke apart or, more fortunately for those who want to repair it, started showed cracks.

So often on these forums, we see estranged or semi-estranged parents who can't get over trying to "prove" why they are right and their grown child is wrong. And imo they're also the ones who can never get their relationships back on track.

Of course, this can't be anything but my general thoughts since I don't know you or the situation beyond what you've said here so far. But if it comes out that your daughter actually is unhappy with your relationship, my advice is to take a deep breath, resist the urge to defend yourself, thank her for sharing her thoughts with you, and then stop talking for the moment and get a therapist involved ASAP.

If it got this off-track without you being aware of the extent of it and without your daughter making you aware of the extent of it, then imo it's risky to continue on your own because the wrong words at this point could lead to a total and perhaps permanent estrangement.

Hopefully, this ends at it being a soon corrected misunderstanding but otherwise, this is the most important time for Mother Wisdom. The next step could be crucial so as mentioned, I'd tread lightly.

Best wishes to you. Please keep us posted.