Am I overacting?

pollypink

Thank you everyone for your input. I always thought I had a really good relationship with my daughter and we gave her a loving stable life. Paid for her wedding. House deposit and gave her £5000 for the baby. She was the one who moved further away as all her partners friends were in the same area. The Mil has always been interfering to the point my daughter has said on several occasions she can't take much more of it. I am on the other hand probably too timid and reserved maybe that's why the mil is so involved. It's like she's trying to replace me. I sent several messages to apologise for any upset tonight and will for now just keep my distance.

I think waiting, silently - no criticism or opinions is best. Nobody actually wants "help" or opinions, leave her to her own situations.

Perhaps vouchers for takeout, cleaners, yard care would be helpful?

I completely understand your feelings. I would feel exactly the same. You don't say if this is your daughters first baby. If not was she like this before.? It's really difficult, when the MIL lives so close and, there are bound to be times, when they will see the baby more, however I think your daughter and her husband are being thoughtless, about your feelings. You should have been allowed to visit the baby in hospital, as first priority, as your daughters mother.
They need to make time for you too.

Dee66 - I'm not sure you are really "first priority" as maternal grandmother.
The only priority as far as I'm concerned is the mum, baby and father - the new little family.

Everyone else is "extra" I think.

When my adult girls have given birth my first priority has been their wellbeing. With subsequent babies it has been mum first and other children and dad next.

My adult children's families are my security for their future. I don't feel as important as their happiness and wellbeing.

I'm not sure how helpful this is to you pollypink but if you can feel blessed that your daughter is doing well, maybe you will feel less upset?
I do hope so.

Ive had enough. I tried to visit today and she said they were going to gp to register him. She was very blunt with me on the phone. I have have decided that they all will be better off without me xxx I hope she remembers me at some point or maybe not x thanks everyone I love you all. Enjoy your lives and don't be a let down like me x

pollypink

Ive had enough. I tried to visit today and she said they were going to gp to register him. She was very blunt with me on the phone. I have have decided that they all will be better off without me xxx I hope she remembers me at some point or maybe not x thanks everyone I love you all. Enjoy your lives and don't be a let down like me x

So sorry to hear this. Perhaps a family therapist could give you more insight, if you feel up for it.

Sit tight Pollypink your day will come. You say dd has complained about mil in the past. At the moment she needs her as you aren’t near by.But how long before mil starts taking over and when dd wants advice she will turn to you. Please don’t despair. I know it is heartbreaking and hurtful and this should be a joyful and happy time. Don’t let the joy be sucked out. The tide may well turn.

I tried to visit today - I think you should ask for a good day maybe?
"Trying to visit" on a specific day of your choosing is likely to be irritating.

I'm assuming you hadn't arranged to visit?
Sorry this is not how you wanted it.
Please don't forget she is a new mum though with all the accompanying hormones and worries.

Oh *pollypink" please don't feel like this. If you've always had a good relationship with your DD then why would it change so much now? Don't forget that her hormones will be all over the place right now so she might not be feeling her best. The euphoria of the birth settles down into reality once the new mum and baby are home - and from what it sounds, she has had to cope with the insistant MIL and maybe it has caused a bit of a ruction with her DH too. She perhaps just can't cope with more visits till she is feeling better.

My DD's inlaws live within walking distance of her whilst we are an hour away so have always seen a lot more of the GC than we have, but neither DD nor her DH are thrilled about it cos they are a little demanding.

There is nothing we can do about that. Overall they are good in-laws and we get on well when all together, but not only do they see more of the GCs than us, they also know all the GC's friends at school cos they were born, bred and lived in the same area. We've just accepted that. Despite this, the GC love us all equally and we've got a lot of happy memories.

I'm sure that your DD will soon be asking you to visit - remember to take a nice Shepherd's Pie (a meal is always welcome) and put on your best smile. I have friends whose GC are overseas so have little opportunity to see them.

That said, I do undertstand your disappointment and I would probably have felt the same, but it won't be permanent I am sure. Why would it be?

My younger DD and her DH are currently going through IVF. We are 200 miles away but his parents only about 30. I can see us also feeling a tad left out if and when they have their first baby but I won't allow myself to do anything to spoil my chances. Don't you do that either, please.

Much love to you on this. xxxx

Just wanted to add that at this point, I think it's still quite possible that the daughter is simply still overwhelmed after giving birth, and it might all straighten itself out soon. Fingers crossed!

Polly, I understand how you must be feeling. There is nothing you can do, your d and sil are naturally concentrating on the new baby. Just try and step back, things will work out. If you can afford it take yourself off some where nice, have your hair done, treat yourself. Anything to distract you from overthinking. You have had a lot of losses recently and need a bit if TLC yourself but it's not always there so we have to do it for ourselves some times. I think Madmegs put very good and sound advice.

I was the 1st grandmother to see three of my grandchildren and it was a very special moment but I hardly see one set of grandchildren now and my DIL’s mother is very much in the picture. We looked after the children when they were small but once they started school MIL took over. My son bought his children to visit the other day and my grandson was clearly bored to death. Even with my son telling him several times not to look so bored and join the conversation he didn’t. My granddaughter chatted away so that made up for it. They live near but I’m not invited to visit and once when I popped in I was told “nice to see you but let us know as we are busy”. They have been busy since so I don’t. There is nothing I can do about it so if I do see them I make them as welcome as I can and hope things might get better one day. .

It's my daughters birthday tomorrow and I was planning on going over but she's going to try to go out for a meal and already has arranged for mother in law to babysit. I tried to not show mu upset but my heart is breaking, I won't even see her on her birthday, another woman is getting all my joy. I just feel like ending things x

Thank you xx

Don't do that Polly your daughter is full of hormones and maybe the MIL is just nearer and handy.
Please look after yourself.

My friend from work came round with flowers and cheered me up. I also met another friend afterwards and they have been so supportive, I really am grateful to have them in my life. I have decided to put on my 'big pants" and accept that I am a good person and in time all will be good (I hope x)

❤️

Thank you xxx

YES you are very over reacting. And, how can you talk about 'despair' when you have just had a healthy grandson???

For heavens sake, get things in proportion A baby is a Grandchild for life, not just the few days or weeks after their birth. And whether it is the child of a son or daughter makes no difference (or should not)
Be grateful both are healthy and well, be grateful that in-laws are close enough by to be able to help the new parents out, So often it is the local G.parents who do not manage to keep up the really good relationship as they are too like the parents, whereas the distant G.Parents are the very lovely, and spoiling one.
Your daughter did not give birth as some sort of consolation for the recent families, or in any way for you.
So get real..........be happy and delighted that all is going so well and any time you do have with your new grandchild needs to be wonderful for you and him as well as the new parents.