To Move Again Or Accept ...

Skydancer I was in the same position as you. My Mum refused to move to be near us, even when Dad died. As she got older I realised I needed to provide more support and visited her each week - a 6 hour journey there and back. I have to admit I became a bit resentful, and probably wasn't as nice as I should have been. Even when she had carers coming in twice a day, that wasn't sufficient in terms of providing company or sorting out little jobs in the house and garden.

I now feel guilty and sad about the last years of Mum's life, as all but one of her friends had died and she was not able to get out and about at all, except for this kind lady - but she was also elderly herself. I truly wish she had moved to be near us when my Dad was alive - it's what he had wanted but she was not willing to move to less than a detached house (she was very concerned about status) which they could not afford in our area.

My son says it is selfish of older people to move far away from their children, since, if they are ill, or need help after a surgical procedure, it makes it very difficult for their children.

He feels this way because his partner's parents have required assistance after operations and it has been very difficult for her work-wise and family-wise to go 2 or 3 hours away to help for days at a time.

However, there is no guarantee that children will step up and assist so it might be pretty pointless moving to be near them, especially if the parent is well settled where they are.

In this particular case, I think, providing this will not have a significantly detrimental effect on her financial situation, the OP should return to Wales. She doesn't like the bungalow she is living in and does not see that much of her family so what is the point of living somewhere she does not like?

However, if the main reason for feeling unsettled, is the bungalow in which she is living and the area in which it is sited, would a move to somewhere in the same area, but less overlooked and more attractive, be an alternative to consider? Of course, accessible amenities, such as GP, shops and transport, would still need to be factored in, whatever choice was made.

It is definitely better to be near family as it’s good to know they are nearby. I used to ask my Mum to move closer to me. She never did so it meant endless trips to help her out in one way or another.

Stay where you are !
Visit Wales for holidays !
It is better to be closer to family and I speak from experience ….

We do things for our children because we love them, not in expectation of some form of payback when we get older. They have their lives to live. Why should they be burdened with having to look after ageing parents?

our child really doesn't appreciate what we did to make their life easier, which is why it hurts that I now feel that I can't rely on them being around when we may need them later in life

This is the crux of things isn't really? And it's a tough one for sure.

I am wondering why you moved to Wales in the first place, and why, if you were so blissfully happy, you moved back to your original homeplace.
I think you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship with your family, which seems to be one child and some grandchildren. If she and her husband both work fulltime, there is little time in their precious weekend to spare, and I sense you have applied pressure and it doesn't work.
You are only mid sixties so plenty of time to build your own social life and work on your bungalow, or' boring box' as you so disdainfully call it. Is the grass always greener?
You will need your family when you are older, possibly ill and unable to drive and no doubt they will help out then, but to accuse them of being selfish and having been spoiled rotten (whose fault?) because they don't visit as frequently as you would like seems unfair and not conducive to improving your relationship.
Does the other part of 'we' have any say in whether you would move back to Wales?

It often amazes me that many people spend time and money researching and moving to an area with good schools for their children. Yet when it comes to retirement they will move to an 'idyllic' rural area with no thought to convenience of healthcare provision.

You moved with the right intentions and presumably they still apply, convenience of amenities as you get older, and a year to settle is no time at all.

I moved from Wales 15 years ago, back to Devon where I grew up and with the intention of supporting my ailing father.

It took me a very long time to settle even though I reconnected with family and old school friends. And there was many a time I longed for my old life in Wales.

But time has moved on and I think I can finally say I wouldn't go back now.

A year is no time at all. Try not to rely on family for company and get out and make new friends and interests. You'll spend less time staring out of that window.!

Here's my pennyworth. If you want to see children and grandchildren you need them to want to see you. So how do you do that? Toys. ie something you have and they dont. Friends of ours moved to be close to their family and in the garden was an ancient small swimming pool - they were going to fill it in, but changed their minds and did a renovation themselves and installed a heat pump. The grandchildren virtually live there now!!! It has been a huge draw. You cannot expect grandchildren to want to spend their precious spare time with us oldies - so you need to make it exciting!!! Good luck.

We moved to a bungalow a few years ago. I too missed a ‘view’. The one thing I would do would be to build a loft conversion to regain a view of the horizon.

I hope you enjoy your bungalow project.

Yes, thanks Time2 and I wish you all the best for the future, whatever you decide.

Thank you for coming back Time2.
Given that your bungalow feels too dull to you, if you do spend some money on it to make it more "interesting" you will surely recover the costs if you decide to leave it eventually.

Maybe be bold with your home and see it as a bit of a project.

Good luck.

Thank you all for your thoughts. Just to be clear, while we did move back to be closer to family, we are still a 40 minute drive from them, and certainly don't expect them to be on the doorstep every 5 minutes, just once every now and then would be nice.

For those who think it’s a mistake to move close to family as we age, due to the possibility that they themselves might move away, I can categorically say, that there is absolutely NO chance whatsoever that our family will move away, as I don’t think they have an adventurous bone between them! lol

I get the feeling that many of you who have said that we shouldn't rely on family as we get older, have done so because, perhaps they too, have been disappointed by their kids failure to visit as often as they might like, but rather than admit this, we tend to make excuses for them, saying that they are 'too busy', when in actual fact, it's because they're too selfish, and choose not to. (I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I do think as parents, that we forgive things that our kids do that hurt us, rather than risk a fallout, and not seeing them at all). Think about it ladies, I bet many of you, like me, spent at least one of the afternoons of your weekend, when you were young and had kids, visiting your parents and /or in-laws, because it was expected. However, sadly it seems that many of my generation made the mistake of spoiling our kids rotten, because we were lucky enough to have so much more than our own parents did, and now that we've grown older, they just take it all for granted and don't give a monkeys. Before we moved to Wales, we used to live only a street away from my child, and were always on hand to help out when the grandchildren came along, forming great relationships with all of them, but even having done all that, our child really doesn't appreciate what we did to make their life easier, which is why it hurts that I now feel that I can't rely on them being around when we may need them later in life.

For those who asked, we did discuss the move with the family before coming back, and they all said that it was a good idea, and that it would make it so much easier to visit, particularly as we get older. Stupidly, this fooled us into believing that we might pick up, if not where we left off, at least a similar relationship to the one that we had enjoyed before we moved to Wales. However, this clearly isn't going to happen.

Anyway, I think, having given a lot of thought to the advice I’ve received on GN, that I will give it another year, during which I will try and settle down in the bungalow that we have, as it is a lot of hassle and expense to move, and I am fortunate in that we do have the money to get work done on it, and perhaps make it more interesting than the box which it is now. Then if having done what we can, it’s still not working for me, I will probably give in to my heart and will go back to Wales. However, in the meantime I’ll try hard to focus on all the positives that we have, rather than the negatives.

Thank you all, once again for your thoughts and ideas, which truly are appreciated.

In your position I would stay put and throw myself into making it work. Could you alter your boring bungalow to make it more interesting with an extension or refurb? If you live in a large village now could you join some clubs and get involved in village life or do some volunteering? If your days are full and busy then you wont be concerned about the number of visits from your family. We live just three miles from our son and daughter but we dont see a huge amount of them, they assume we are OK unless we say otherwise. I do know however that they will rally round if we need help because when DH fractured his skull a year ago they were a godsend and we thanked our lucky stars they were nearby.

If you feel a bit trapped by your bungalow why don't you go travelling for a while? or you could buy a camper van and wander around and back to Wales for views and friends.. You could do that each year for some time to come.. then when health really begins to fail you might really appreciate being close to family...

Stay where you now are and try to sort out the things you don't like about it, such as the garden, and join some clubs/societies/maybe a church to expand your social group. I'm glad of my background as an Accountant which means I am "up" for being Treasurer of an organisation - a job which most people definitely do not want - which can be a good way to get involved with a new group. If you're not as lucky as me volunteer to make the tea/coffee at a social gathering or organise a rota and everyone will soon get to know you.

Our children (mine are mid-40s) are far busier than most of us ever were (and grandchildren the same) but that will be easing off in years to come. Unfortunately one of ours is currently 30 miles away while the other is nearly 200 so I'm not sure which one we would move closer to!

I always said I couldn't live without a view of the hills, but I might have to forego that idea.

You mention that your health has begun to deteriorate. Therefore, although you are relatively young, it was probably sensible to move nearer to your family, who would not have a long journey to help you with any health problems.
Others have suggested looking for a place in the area which you would like better than your bungalow. You have many years before you, too long to live in a place you don't really like. Start searching!

Mid sixties is still young and I think you should follow your heart and go somewhere where you will be happy and enjoy all your days.

Your new life seems to be built around infrequent visits from family and concerns about the future (e.g. not being able to manage, ill health) that might not happen. In my experience a good circle of friends and neighbours whose lives you share on a daily basis are as good, if not better, than busy family when push comes to shove.

I'd never move with a view to being able to rely on family in old age. Perhaps you all enjoyed your contact prior to moving as you weren't living in one another pockets so to speak. If you're not happy, move.

We are moving to be closer to one of our daughters but not too close, and we are moving to a location we have always loved and wanted to live in, so if we don’t see too much of our daughter and her family we won’t shed any tears, or if at any point they move further away.
To the OP I would advise thinking of the upheaval of moving back to Wales, is the location you are in not a good one? Is there countryside/villages nearby you could visit etc., or if you must move why not move there instead of so far away?
Maybe is the bungalow you dislike.
Our grown families are always busy, much as we like to see them, but we should also be thinking of ourselves and what we can do to enrich our lives.
All the best 🌺

Bungalows are often seen as the ideal choice in later life for obvious reasons, …but they can be very boring.

It all depends on how they are sited. I’d much prefer to be in my first floor flat with massive windows front and back to see over other houses to the beyond.

But too often like OP said even with a nice garden it could feel very boxed in…and they are usually more expensive.

Oh for the privilege of one of those Grand Design buildings eh!
Sometimes what you look out onto is more important than the internal space…and convenient facilities of course…ooh and good internet connections

we are all different! I am always saying this to my friends here...

my dh and I , both Birmingham born and bred,, moved to Oxfordshire whilst two boys young, had a good life, I think..
dh and I moved to nearby Scarborough, country place, loved it.. I worked full time.. then first gs born just as I was late 50`s, just before 60 and retirement in the offing, so I retired a bit earlier than I had planned, and moved to Swindon, built up area , near to family, but not too near,, that was over 20 years ago, so we made new friends,, I am well over 80 now, dh died 5 years ago,, and it has turned out best for us..

(Apologies, a couple of typos, but I can't find an edit button).

Your bungalow sounds OK, and a pretty sensible buy and you could probably improve the outlook with trees, shrubs, trelllises and climbers. Apparently a bungalow is the property of choice for the largest number of older people.
I wouldn't move if I were you, the cost in effort and money would be high.
We did a huge downsize from a lovely house in a city we loved to a flat, to move back to be near family, and we like it here. We have have a simple view of water and no garden, but the compensation is that we like not having a large property to maintain, just a flat. All the outside maintenance done my the estate company.
I hope that you did discuss your move with your family, if so I missed it, apologies. If not there's nothing to say that they will definitely stay in the area. This happened to several couples we know and they are now 30 or 40 miles from their grandchildren which is a shame. However they've made the best of it and get regular visits from their families.

I’d move to where you were happiest and that appears to be Wales, maybe this time not so remote, you never know what’s around the corner so snatch happiness where you can, I’ve a very dear friend for whom illness now means a care home, he could have returned to his own home for a while with help but his family who have POA are insisting on a home, frankly it’s so they can leave him and get on with their lives with least disruption. Ones friends are often far more help than family.